Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
Samuel L. Jackson: Valentine
Photos
Quotes
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Valentine : 'Sup man? Is this the part where you say some... really bad pun?
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : It's like you said to Harry: This ain't that kind of movie, bruv.
Valentine : Perfect.
[Valentine takes his last breath and slumps down]
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[Hart arrives at Valentine's home. Valentine opens the door]
Valentine : Mr. DeVere. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Harry Hart : I'm awfully sorry. I seem to have my dates muddled up.
Valentine : Oh, no no no. I cancelled the gala because of you. Anybody willing to donate that much deserves a private dinner. Come in.
Harry Hart : Thank you.
Valentine : Gotta admit, I was really intrigued to meet you. There aren't many billionaires I don't know.
Harry Hart : I don't doubt it.
Valentine : Obviously, I've had my people looking into your... affairs and that's some pretty old money you're from. How'd your folks make it?
Harry Hart : Property, mostly. Property in the markets. Nothing personal, if that's your concern.
Valentine : Look, I'm just in to find out what kind of person you are. I'm sure you understand that.
Harry Hart : I most certainly do.
Valentine : Hope you're hungry.
Harry Hart : I'm famished.
Valentine : Good. Grab a seat.
[Gazelle brings in a silver food cart. Suspenseful music plays in the background as she places it between Hart and Valentine until she opens it, revealing McDonald's food]
Harry Hart : I'll have the Big Mac, please.
Valentine : Great choice. But nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce. Goes great with this '45 Lafitte.
Harry Hart : A classic pairing. And may I suggest Twinkies and a 1937 Chateau d'Yquem for pudding?
Valentine : I like it.
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Valentine : It's not that kind of a movie.
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Harry Hart : What did you do to me? I had no control. I killed all those people.
[Valentine nods his head in agreement]
Harry Hart : I wanted to.
Valentine : Clever, isn't it? In simple terms, it's a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitors.
Harry Hart : Transmitted through your nasty free SIM cards, I assume.
Valentine : You know what this is like? It's like those old movies we both love. Now, I'm going to tell you my whole plan, and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Harry Hart : Sounds good to me.
Valentine : Well, this ain't that kind of movie.
[shoots Harry in the head]
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[Arthur grabs a poison fountain pen]
Arthur : Can you guess...
[pulls the pen clip back]
Arthur : ... what this is?
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : I don't have to. Harry showed me. You click it, I die. I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.
Arthur : Bravo.
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : Valentine won you over, somehow.
Arthur : Once he explained, I understood.
[Flashback to Arthur's meeting with Valentine]
Valentine : When you get a virus, you get a fever. That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. Planet Earth works the same way: Global warming is the fever, mankind is the virus. We're making our planet sick. A cull is our only hope. If we don't reduce our population ourselves, there's only one of two ways this can go: The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. Either way...
[Back to Eggsy and Arthur's conversation]
Arthur : The result is the same: The virus dies.
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : So Valentine's gonna take care of the population problem himself.
Arthur : Well if we don't do something, nature will. Sometimes, a culling is the only way to ensure that the species survives. And history will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction.
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? All his rich mates, they get to live. And then when he thinks it's worth saving, he keeps them safe, whether they agree with him or not.
Arthur : And you, Eggsy. In Harry's honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world. It's time to make your decision.
[Long pause]
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : I'd rather be with Harry. Thanks.
Arthur : So be it.
[Arthur points the fountain pen and engages the poison. After a few seconds, nothing happens to Eggsy. Arthur suddenly convulses]
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : The problem with us common types is, that we are light-fingered. Kingsman's taught me a lot, but sleight of hand...
[Flashback shows Eggsy swapping glasses while Arthur is not looking]
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : I had that done already.
Arthur : You dirty... little fucking prick...
[Arthur slumps to his death. Eggsy then takes the pen and cuts open the scar behind Arthur's ear to extract the transponder]
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Valentine : [From trailer] Mankind is the virus, and I'm the cure.
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Valentine : So you want to donate to my foundation. You are aware that I wound things down in that area, right?
Harry Hart : Climate change is a threat which affects us all, Mr. Valentine. And you're one of the few powerful men who seems to share my concerns.
Valentine : I stepped things down because I wasn't getting anywhere. Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing.
Harry Hart : The carbon emissions are a red herring, and we are past the point of no return, no matter what remedial actions we take.
Valentine : Uh-huh. You know your shit.
Harry Hart : I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well-versed in their... 'shit'. As Professor Arnold always said: 'Humankind is the only virus cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge of its host's fragile mortality.'
[Surprised look by Valentine]
Valentine : There are not a lot of people who knew about him.
[Short pause]
Valentine : Do you like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?
[Hart notices Gazelle sitting behind him, pointing one of her bladed legs toward him]
Harry Hart : Nowadays, they're all a little serious for my taste. But the old ones... marvelous. Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.
Valentine : The old Bond movies. Oh, man. Ah, when I was a kid, that was my dream job: gentleman spy.
Harry Hart : I always felt that the old Bond films were only as good as the villain. As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colorful megalomaniac.
Valentine : What a shame we both had to grow up.
[Valentine smiles]
Valentine : Bon appetit.
[Valentine and Hart toast with their burgers]
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Valentine : [from trailer] If you get blood on the carpet you're going to have to take the carpet up!
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[Valentine receives a notice that Professor Arnold has been terminated]
Valentine : Fuck that guy, whoever he is! I'm gonna... He made me kill Professor Arnold. Goddamn loved Professor Arnold.
Gazelle : Well the good news is we know the emergency surveillance system works.
Valentine : You know what's not good news? 'My colleague died,' that's what he said. This is an organization and they're all over us. Whoever you spoke to...
Gazelle : I told you. I made contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad, and Beijing. They all insist it wasn't one of theirs.
Valentine : Beijing. So freaky how there's no recognizable name for the Chinese Secret Service. Now that's what you call a secret, right? You know what? Fuck it. We need to speed things up. Bring the product release forward.
Gazelle : We're only halfway into production. Speeding it will cost a fortune.
Valentine : Do I look like I give a fuck? Just get it done.
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Kingsman Tailor : Perfect timing. Gentleman's just finished.
[Valentine and Gazelle step out of Fitting Room 1]
Valentine : Mr. DeVere. What a coincidence. You are totally the reason I'm here. When you left my house, I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on. And since I'm going to Royal Ascot, apparently you need one of these penguin suits. Here I am. What are you doing here?
[Valentine shakes hands with Eggsy]
Valentine : What's up, man? Richmond Valentine.
Harry Hart : This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor.
Valentine : Another coincidence. So am I.
Harry Hart : Did you have any chance to think further on my proposal?
Valentine : Most definitely. My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. I guarantee it.
Harry Hart : A word of advice: Ascot requires top hat. I might suggest Lock & Co. Hatters, St. James.
Valentine : 'Lox', as in smoked fish?
Harry Hart : As in 'locked up'.
Valentine : Oh. I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. You all talk so funny.
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Valentine : [showing a photo of Lancelot's corpse] Great, you don't know, the CIA don't know. Nobody knows who this guy is? Fine. Seriously, it's fine. Well, it's not really fine, but it's not why I'm here. Hell, man, you know me. Money's not my issue. I could've retired straight out of M.I.T., fucked off to some island and let the business run itself. Nobody told me to try and save the planet. I wanted to. Climate change research, lobbying, years of studying, billions of dollars, and you know why I quit? Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. Hence, my epiphany. Money won't solve this. Those idiots that call themselves politicians have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but re-election. So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. And I found it. Now, if you really wanna make the world a better place, I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I'm about to tell it to you.
President : Go on, Mr. Valentine. I'm still listening.
Valentine : As long as you agree to all my terms.
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[Valentine notices the people in the party room looking gloomy]
Valentine : The fuck's wrong with them?
Gazelle : I don't know. Could be something to do with the mass genocide.
Valentine : Give me the mic.
[Gazelle hands Valentine a microphone. Valentine stands up]
Valentine : Hey all! Everybody listen up! What the fuck is wrong with you people? I just want to remind you all that today is a day of celebration. We must put aside all thoughts of death, and focus on birth. The birth of a new age. We mustn't mourn the ones who give their lives today. We should honor their sacrifice, and their role in saving the human race. We must put aside doubts and guilt. You are the chosen people. When folks tell their kids the story about Noah's Ark, is Noah the bad guy?
[Crowd says no]
Valentine : Is God the bad guy?
[Crowd says no]
Valentine : How about the animals marching two by two?
[Crowd says no]
Valentine : Of course not! Yeah, that's it! Let's turn those frowns upside down. Eat, drink, and paaaaarty!
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Valentine : We each spend, on average, $2,000 a year on cell phone and Internet usage. It gives me great pleasure to announce, those days are over. As of tomorrow, every man, woman, and child can claim a free SIM card that's compatible with any cell phone, any computer, and utilize my communications network for free. Free Calls. Free Internet. For Everyone. Forever.
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Valentine : Now this is a dope-ass top hat!
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Valentine : You didn't... stop... *shit*!
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[Gazelle places the blankets over the corpses, then opens the door to welcome Valentine with a glass of whisky]
Gazelle : Everything is clean.
Valentine : My kind of welcome.
[Valentine sips whisky before approaching Professor Arnold]
Valentine : No stomach for violence. I mean, literally. I see one drop of blood, that is me, done. I'm like...
[simulating a vomiting motion]
Valentine : projectile. Listen, I'm so sorry you had to witness all this unpleasantness, due to our uninvited guest. But I promise you: By the time I find out who he works for, you and I will be the best of friends.
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[Harry is in a hate group church]
Church Leader : And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...
Merlin : [watching the sermon] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?
Church Leader : So, my friends although he is a just God, he is justly a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...
Valentine : Are you sure we're out of range?
Valentine : We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?
Gazelle : What if the calculations are wrong?
Valentine : You just have to trust me.
Church Leader : ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.
Harry Hart : Would you excuse me?
Church Blonde Woman : Where are you going?
[Harry tries to leave the church]
Church Blonde Woman : Hey! What's your problem?
Harry Hart : I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
Valentine : Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.
[the church leader continues his sermon]
Church Blonde Woman : I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend! Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies. You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!
[as Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : [surprised at what happened] Holy fuck!
Valentine : Shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.
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[Harry Hart is in a hate group church]
Church Leader : And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the Antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...
Merlin : [watching the sermon] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?
Church Leader : So, my friends, although he is a just God, he is just a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...
Gazelle : Are you sure we're out of range?
Valentine : We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?
Gazelle : What if the calculations are wrong?
Valentine : You just have to trust me.
Church Leader : ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.
Harry Hart : Would you excuse me?
Church Blonde Woman : Where are you going?
[Harry tries to leave the church]
Church Blonde Woman : Hey! What's your problem?
Harry Hart : I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
Valentine : Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.
Church Leader : [continuing his sermon] I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend!
Church Blonde Woman : Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!
[as Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]
Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin : [surprised at what happened] Holy fuck!
Valentine : Oh, shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.
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Valentine : [from trailer] Son of a bitch!
