- Pete Diller: Uh, welcome to the Grind. What can I get started for you?
- Chanel Oberlin: [to Ms. Bean] You don't want anything, do you?
- [to Pete]
- Chanel Oberlin: I'll have a Trenta, no foam, five-shot half-caf, no foam pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degrees.
- Pete Diller: First of all, that's really hot. That's two degrees below boiling.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm sorry, did I enter a wormhole to a universe where this coffeehouse does not possess the technology to heat my favorite autumnal tradition to 210 degrees? I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot, so please comply with my request.
- Pete Diller: But extra hot is 170 degrees.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm sorry, does your job description entail arguing with your customers, thereby delaying the moment at which they receive the irresistible nutmeggy sweetness of the extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte they've been thinking about all day? I mean, God!
- Pete Diller: [to Ms. Bean] Ma'am, what would you like?
- Chanel Oberlin: She doesn't want anything! She wants you to start making my extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte!
- Chad Radwell: I'm in love with you.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Of course you are. Cuz that's the only way this situation could get more depressing. Please leave.
- Chad Radwell: I will, but I'm gonna take a pair of your panties.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I'm gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here!
- Grace: I'm Grace Gardener!
- Chanel Oberlin: You have rough hands. And horrible shoes. Are you Amish or something?
- Chanel Oberlin: She's dead!
- Grace: Well, of course she's dead, you just burned her face off!
- Chanel Oberlin: Shut up! You don't die from getting your face burned off.
- Zayday Williams: Yes, you do!
- Grace Gardner: There's a dead woman in your kitchen!
- Chanel Oberlin: Miss Bean was a servant, she knew the risks!
- Grace: You are an awful person.
- Chanel Oberlin: Maybe, but I'm rich and I'm pretty so it doesn't really matter.
- Sam: Look, I'm not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape, I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross and that deep down, every woman knows this.
- Chad Radwell: Yes, I could find a random girl who wasn't popular and, yes, if I started dating her, she would then become popular... Dude, that is a great idea for a movie! Somebody should make that movie!
- Boone Clemens: We should make that movie!
- Chad Radwell: I would see that movie!
- Boone Clemens: Me too. You know who should direct that movie? Michael Bay, the greatest director of all time.
- Chanel Oberlin: Gay Jimmy Olsen over here got a little obsessed with me last year. I still have the fifteen thousand text messages he sent me. I had to get a restraining order.
- Pete Martinez: I was a freshman and I had a crush, okay? I tend to get a bit passionate about things. You intentionally led me on, you kept acting like you liked me just so you could humiliate me.
- Chanel Oberlin: What was I supposed to do? True Tori was over, I was bored.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Go take a psychology course. Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.
- Chad Radwell: It was, you know, probably my mom.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Now, I'm not sure your aware, but I'm no longer associate dean. After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate passing over the summer, I was promoted to her position.
- Chanel Oberlin: Well, that sure sounds suspicious.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Yes, I snuck into the home of my 80-year-old colleague of twenty years, dropped a transistor radio in her bathtub so I could get a 5% raise.
- Chanel Oberlin: Good morning, slits.
- Chanel #2, Chanel #3, Chanel #5: [in unison] Good morning, Chanel.
- Gigi Caldwell: Okay, Chanel, why don't you head back to the house and start getting it ready for rush? It's going to be a totally rad one this year! We have a side-boob mixer followed by a white party where everyone is encouraged to wear slash be white.
- Chad Radwell: I can't go date a girl who was popular and then just stopped being popular.
- Boone Clemens: Because that would be crazy!
- Chad Radwell: It's crazy! And nobody's gonna go see that movie. Do you know why nobody's gonna go see that movie? Because it never got made.
- Chad Radwell: My ego, it's super-strong. Okay? But it's not strong enough that I can just go around dating garbage people.
- Chanel Oberlin: If Dean Munsch gets her way, Kappa's gonna be filled with fatties and ethnics. The fatties will bring their big ol' appetites and you know what those ethnics will bring with them? Weird spices from their home countries. That is a nuclear combination, Miss Bean! The weird ethnic spices will send the fatties racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire out of their huge, swollen bowels. Think of the splashback! Think of the undersides of all of the toilets that you're gonna have to sanitize, Miss Bean!
- Grace: I'm pledging Kappa.
- Pete Martinez: You don't seem the type.
- Grace: Well, clearly you haven't discovered the many layers of Señorita Awesome.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: How did my life turn into this? I marched for the equal rights amendment. I burned my bra in the middle of this campus. And then left school to intern for Gloria Steinem at Ms. Magazine. This generation? They couldn't give a rat's ass about any of it. Nothing's changed.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Have you seen the way girls dress on this campus? These sorority bitches, strutting around in basically just their underwear, screaming bloody murder about being objectified as if they haven't objectified themselves already.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: You are awful in bed! Are you aware? I mean, just the worst.
- Chad Radwell: What-what? Did I not take you there?
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Look what I've stooped to. Getting sex by blackmailing students on academic probation.
- Chad Radwell: I'm gonna call ya.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: As I can't destroy every phone on earth, that'll remain a possibility.
- Grace: I joined that sorority to feel close to my mom. You know, I've heard the way my dad talks about her - kind, a fighter, big heart. No way she belonged to Kappa the way it is now. Chanel and her type have destroyed it, mutated it into the monster it is today. But it can be the way it was. I can change it back, but I need to get Chanel and her minions out of there to do it. I need to expose Chanel for who she really is, and I wanna use your story as my weapon of reputation destruction. I just wanna honor my mom.
- Chad Radwell: Hold up, are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on?
- Chanel Oberlin: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying!
- Chad Radwell: You are so lame, you know that? God, I love all that death stuff. I got my first boner watching Faces of Death.
- Chanel #3: There's no reason we shouldn't call the police.
- Chanel Oberlin: Are you kidding me, #3? What are we gonna tell them? That we burned Miss Bean's face off, thought she was dead, hid the body, then it came back to life and stabbed Chanel #2 while we were all in the house? They're never gonna believe that. That is an insane story!
- Wes Gardner: Please don't join a sorority. The girls are vicious! Okay, I know you think sororities are some kind of, like, magical sisterhoods, but it's actually Game of Thrones once you pull back the veneer.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: This is the final police report on the assault of your presidential predecessor at Kappa, Melanie Dorkus.
- Chanel Oberlin: That girl was a bitch, who thought she was all that because her family founded the Olive Garden and she had no gag reflex.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Now Dean Reynolds' over-sight of Greek life at this school was so negligent that it bordered on the criminal, and Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, racism, as well as allegations of bestiality...
- Chanel Oberlin: No one forced that goat to get as drunk it got! That's on him.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: But all of it is like children playing in a sandbox compared to the horrors that occurred at Kappa last spring.
- Chanel Oberlin: Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch, or is that just a coincidence?
- Bethany: Holy crap! Who told you you could have a baby here tonight?
- Sophia: Guys I am so sorry. Obviously I'm as upset as anyone about this. I'm sure I can walk if I can just get some Gatorade or...
- Bethany: I don't care if you can walk. How are we supposed to get you to the front door without everyone seeing you all gross and post-partum. Nobody wants to see that at a party.
- Chanel Oberlin: These are my minions. I don't know their names. I don't *want* to know their names. They are known as...
- Chanel #2: Chanel number two.
- Chanel #3: Chanel number three.
- Chanel #5: Chanel number five.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm Chanel number one, obvi. There was a Chanel number four, but she got meningitis. She was like, "I'm sick, I have to go home,"and I was like "No, stay", but she went home anyway and then she died. So another thing I was right about.
- Melanie Dorkess: My main problem with you, Chanel, is that you're short. And historically short people are sneaky back-stabbers like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.
- Chanel Oberlin: I asked, but the dry cleaner said that they couldn't rush the clothes. I'm so sorry.
- Melanie Dorkess: I'm not finished. I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai ladyboy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.
- Chanel Oberlin: If this is our pledge class, I'm killing myself... and then Munsch. Look at them, they're the dregs of society. I can't believe this. Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.
- Chanel Oberlin: Kappa sisters, someone is screwing with us. This blood oath will insure solidarity among us. We are all related now. Let's all touch bloody fingers as I read this oath. "Hail Odin, wise warrior, one-eyed wanderer. Tell the scenes your missing eye sees."
- Chanel #5: Wait, Odin who, where did you find that?
- Chanel Oberlin: I don't know. The internet. I just googled "blood oath" and this is what came up.
- Chanel Oberlin: Walk away now. You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of. Once you're on my fatwa list I show no mercy. I totally spit in your coffee, bitch.
- Chanel #3: The Sexy Gopher Whore Head Challenge is one of Kappa House's oldest hazing traditions. You gals are gonna stay here over night getting to know each other and trying to keep the ants from crawling up your noses while the Chanels and I go get banana daiquiris at The White Stallion. Goodnight, ladies.
- Sam: Guys, I can't move at all.
- Hester Ulrich: I think that's the point.
- Jennifer: I don't mean to be a contrarian, but I'm enjoying this.
- Tiffany DeSalle: Guys, what do you think Taylor Swift is doing right now?
- Sam: What time is it? It's gotta be like four in the morning.
- Zayday Williams: Y'all hear dat? D'y'all *hear* dat?
- Tiffany DeSalle: What are you guys talking about?
- Zayday Williams: [sound of small engine being started] Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?
- Tiffany DeSalle: One more time, will you speak up?
- Zayday Williams: Is that a lawnmower?
- Hester Ulrich: What's happening?
- Zayday Williams: [screaming] Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
- Tiffany DeSalle: Are you screaming...
- Zayday Williams: [screaming] Help me. Help me.
- Tiffany DeSalle: or singing?
- Zayday Williams: [screaming] Help me. Help, this is a nice neighborhood.
- [all begin screaming]
- Tiffany DeSalle: Are you singing a Taylor Swift?
- [begins singing mostly inaudible]
- Hester Ulrich: Help!
- Tiffany DeSalle: Holy crap!
- [more screams]
- Zayday: Girl, I was terrified I was gonna get some religious freak or a cutter for a roommate, but you're dope.
- Grace: Well, I don't think I'm gonna be in the room for very long. I'm rushing Kappa Kappa Tau. Hey! Why don't you join with me?
- Zayday: Girl, I'd rather die.
- Grace: Ooh, Come on! This is gonna be a year of infinite possibilities, I can feel it. And if you're serious about becoming president some day, becoming president of Kappa is not a bad place to start.
- Zayday: Actually, you make a good point.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I'm gonna be honest. I hate sororities and I hate you. For years, I've seen the damage these so-called sisterhoods have had on young girls.
- Chanel Oberlin: Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch or is that just a coincidence?
- Dean Cathy Munsch: First of all I'm not a lesbian. Second, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people. It's not normal.
- Chanel Oberlin: Predatory Lez. Real name: Mac or Butch or something. Two days ago, I caught her staring at my ass in the quad. All that girl's after is a whole lot of bikini burger.
- Chanel Oberlin: Neckbrace. Real name: Hester Ulrich. History major. She smells like hot dog water and probably sprained her neck giving blumkins down at the local bowling alley.
- Tiffany DeSalle: I love Taylor Swift! I know the lyrics to every one of her songs and I don't let the fact that I'm deaf stop me from singing them at the top of my lungs whenever I get the chance!
- Chanel Oberlin: Deaf Taylor Swift. Real name: Tiffany something, and like all deaf people, she has horrible halitosis.