Chanel Oberlin: Um, this just in - Ms. Bean's not dead. She haunting the campus with her fatness and murdering people.
Denise Hemphill: Now-now, no, I'm not a detective. Hell, I ain't even a cop. But what I am is somebody who watched every one of the Cosby Mysteries, ok.
[Wes's class watches Children of the Corn]
Wes Gardner: What could be scarier for an adult than a child coming to murder them? Isn't that all of our greatest fears that the pain, the regrets, the mistakes of our youth will destroy us in our adulthood? That we can't escape our inner child, one we would rather forget but who at the end of the day has all the power?
Chad Radwell: Alright, everybody, listen up! All of your lives are in danger! DO NOT go to the haunted house on Shady Lane! There are dead bodies!
Hester Ulrich: Dead bodies!
Chad Radwell: Real life dead bodies! Okay?
Hester Ulrich: Lots!
Girl: Did he say dead bodies?
Dude: Dude, that sounds awesome!
Other Dude: Come on, everybody! Lets go to the haunted house on Shady Lane!
Chanel Oberlin: Halloween is the most important day of the year. It's the one on the Gregorian calendar where you're allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath.
Dean Cathy Munsch: Have any of you ever heard of "negligent homicide?" If the police come, they will arrest all of you for leaving this girl to die while you were downstairs getting into the groove.
Chanel #3: My sense of personal identity is completely external. If I didn't have Kappa to define me, I really don't have much to offer.
Hester Ulrich: I am so grateful that you guys are sharing your not-food lunch with me, but won't we, like, die if we eat cotton balls?
Chanel #3: Only if they cause a blockage in our intestinal tracks, but that's what the sauce is for.
Chanel #5: Lubrication. And it gives you that wonderfully full feeling without all of the calories.
Chanel Oberlin: Guys can be as porky as they want and we still like them. I'm as skinny as Karen Carpenter in the morgue and Chad Radwell still won't commit to me!
Grace Gardner: How come we never talk about mom? You told me that she went to this school and that she joined Kappa and that she died when I was two and not much else.
Wes Gardner: It's hard for me to talk about it sometimes. I miss her a lot.
Grace Gardner: It's pretty convenient... that she died in a fire. All of her stuff got burned, any record of her, my birth certificate.
Wes Gardner: What are you talking about?
Grace Gardner: Why are you lying to me? Something does not make sense! Why did this all start happening as soon as I got to campus? Why am I the only person in Kappa without a mother?
Wes Gardner: Shhhh. Hey honey, you've gotta give me more here, okay? I don't understand what you're getting at. Are you on bath salts?
Chad Radwell: Alright, if we go to the police, they're gonna see that I'm still rockin' a mad sidepipe and they're gonna think I had something to do with it.
Chanel Oberlin: Chanel-O-Ween is approaching, so I went shopping with my comatose grandmother's credit card and bought presents.
Denise Hemphill: Shondell, if you can hear me in that Best Buy parking lot in the sky, I am so sorry that I pushed you out of my car and drove off real scared, but I promise you by Halloween night, I will avenge your face-stabbing, baby girl. Okay? I, Denise Hemphill, is gonna solve this crime!
Dean Cathy Munsch: Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown, strapped myself into a skin-tight pleather Red Devil costume, climbed out a second-story dormer and shimmied to the ground with a chainsaw before entering a window I had left open, tried to kill you, then leapt out the window, climbed back up the wall, changed back in my nightgown and raced downstairs, all in the course of about ninety seconds?
Wes Gardner: Yes, that is exactly what we mean to suggest, Dean!
Dean Cathy Munsch: I'm protecting you. I'm protecting your families. And you may think I'm a monster tonight, but years from now, when you have lived a boring, painfully uncreative life in a home filled with Pottery Barn sofas and no integrity, you're gonna remember me as I truly am... your guardian angel.
Ms. Agatha Bean: We need to dispose of this body on our own. Now, I've got everything we need in the kitchen to make sausages out of her. I can sell 'em at the farmer's market on Sunday... or I can just feed 'em to these bitches for dinner.
Chanel Oberlin: A sitting Kappa President has not lost the office to a freshman in one hundred and fifty years! I am responsible for the worst pledge class in Kappa history! And now Zayday's gonna win because we live in the age of Obama?
Hester Ulrich: I want everything Chanel has... and that includes you.
Chad Radwell: Oh my God, I got a total chub right now.
Denise Hemphill: This house is haunted!
Pete Martinez: She's right!
Pete Martinez: Baker Street.
Denise Hemphill: North Jackson.
Chanel #5: I find that my particularly style of speaking and gesticulation is extremely off-putting to most boys. And girls. And anyone. But with Kappa as my calling-card, everyone seems to overlook that.
Hester Ulrich: Do you think you're man enough to take me inside that house and attack my crack?
Chad Radwell: Hey, so, uh... a little awkward since we're about to bone down and everything but, um... what's your name?
Chanel Oberlin: I recently took a women's studies class. Yes, because it was a requirement, but I learned a lot anyways. Like the culture that says it's okay for a man to objectify a woman for her appearance is the same culture that pressures girls as young as ten to have eating disorders.
Tommy: So you're basically sayin' I'm the one responsible for making you look hot? You're welcome.
Mandy: One girl killed herself, I heard. Another girl was institutionalized. The third is actually doing pretty well on Fox News.
Mandy: Sweet heart... I looked at that baby up close. I know my peas and carrots. That baby was a girl.
[Hester finds Chad opening his pants in the graveyard]
Chad Radwell: I was just, uh... I was, uh...
Hester Ulrich: Say it!
Chad Radwell: You know, sometimes uh, sometimes I come out here and I just run my hands on the gravestones. When I find a gravestone I like, I, uh... I get turned on and I, I rub one out to it.
Hester Ulrich: I get it. I get you more than anyone. I also find the thought of dead bodies extremely arousing!
Hester Ulrich: I just don't understand why I have all these dark feelings.
Chad Radwell: You know, I just think our generation's had it too easy, you know? We haven't seen enough horrible stuff. There's no awful diseases randomly killing people, there's not really any awesome wars to go off to and witness horrific things you can't unsee. We're like pulled out of all of 'em. I don't know, sometimes I just don't even feel like I'm living, you know. I mean, the only time I feel anything is when I'm thinking about chopping up a body.
Hester Ulrich: I feel the same way.
Grace Gardner: Am I the baby that was born in Kappa that night? Did mom die in that bathtub?
Wes Gardner: What? No, you were born in a hospital. I was there, I saw you come out of your mother... Big mistake, by the way!
Chanel Oberlin: I am a future network news anchor who's super-classy and has almost no fat on her body. But a lot of my fans are, like, friendless, dumpy coeds at this or that nursing school in one of this country's various national armpits. And Chanel-O-Ween is the one time of year where I can give these precious donkeys something to look forward to. They put down their Hot Pockets and bask in the warm glow of what it feels like... to love me.
Dean Cathy Munsch: I am the administration's liaison to Greek Life on campus. If a young sorority pledge dies under my so-called supervision, my career is over! But her dreams are as dead as she is while mine still burn bright.
Mandy: Munsch put the fear of God into us that night. She's the devil, that one... the darkness.
Zayday Williams: It might behoove you to recall that everyone here witnessed you actually murder someone, a fact that's one anonymous phone call from being a juicy little segment on the local news.
Chanel Oberlin: I didn't kill Miss Bean. And if I do murder someone... it's gonna be you.
Chanel #3: Chanel, it's 3 a.m. We're concerned about your mental health. What are you doing?
Chanel Oberlin: Just sharpening knives. Kitchen knives should be... razor sharp.
Chanel Oberlin: I have it on good authority that the Red Devil is gonna kill someone in Zayday's haunted house. Don't let it be you.
Chanel #5: How do you know that's gonna happen?
Chanel Oberlin: I don't. But how stupid would the killer be to NOT kill someone there? It's Halloween, everyone will be in costume. Hell, he could kill someone and people would think it was a decoration
Chanel #3: You have this way too thought out.
Denise Hemphill: I think the reason you want to have a haunted house party is cuz a haunted party is like a buffet for murderers! Yeah, yeah! You can just go around killin' anybody you want and ain't nobody even gonna notice.
Chad Radwell: The haunted house doesn't even start for another two hours. Why would they light all the candles? It seems wasteful.
Tommy: Which one of you ladies would like to be my costume for Halloween? I'm going as "Dude Having Awesome Sex With You."
Chanel Oberlin: There is a killer on this campus murdering women. When you treat us like meat, you're no better than him.