Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.23 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bill Maher - Host : Back in May, we showed you this Us Magazine, twenty-five things you don't know. You all read these; you know, I... this... I did one of these once. All people in show business have been subject to this. You do twenty-five things you don't know about me. And we showed you that Hillary, oh some of the things are fascinating, like she said "Bill Clinton proposed to me twice before I said yes." And that wasn't even about marriage.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : No, uh... she said, number thirteen, "I am and always will be a Beatles fan. I also really love Adele", because of course I'm not pandering to millennials at all when I say that. Uh... so then we did the Ted Cruz edition, we said they should do Ted Cruz next, and he had... he had ones like "Mirrors don't show my reflection."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And, uh... "My nickname at Princeton was Fuckface."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So... and then we did the Bernie Sanders edition, where he said things like "Che Guevara used to wear a t-shirt with me on it."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And "I comb my hair with a balloon."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So, uh... so, we were waiting until the eve of the Republican convention to finally do twenty-five things you don't know about me, Donald Trump.

  [whoops and hollers] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Would you like to hear? Of course you would.

• Bill Maher - Host : [doing "25 Things You Don't Know About Donald Trump"]  When I masturbate, my tiny hands make my penis look bigger.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I don't drink alcohol. I cause others to drink alcohol.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Not only do I read the Bible, the Book of Revelations mentions me by name.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : 'Mar-a-Lago' is Spanish for 'House of Douche'.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I saved the box Melania arrived in so I can return her when she turns fifty.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I never actually believed Obama was born in Kenya, because I thought the name of the country was Kayne.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Sometimes late at night, I worry that my obsessive self-aggrandizement and self-promotion are symptoms of inner weakness and a transparent, childish impulse that everyone can see. I worry they're laughing at how obvious is it that I am an abandoned, frightening child swirling in a black emptiness. But then I tweet shit about my poll numbers and I feel better.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I cry at moves. Because they're integrated.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : The original name for Trump Tower was My Big Shiny Penis Building.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I like things made of gold more than every Persian combined.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I can peel a banana with my feet.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : When I get bored around the office, I make Chris Christie dance around in a diaper.