First Reformed (2017)

Ethan Hawke: Rev. Ernst Toller

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Quotes 

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Courage is the solution to despair, reason provides no answers. I can't know what the future will bring; we have to choose despite uncertainty. Wisdom is holding two contradictory truths in our mind, simultaneously, Hope and despair. A life without despair is a life without hope. Holding these two ideas in our head is life itself.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Now Michael, I can promise you that whatever despair you feel about bringing a child into this world cannot equal the despair of taking a child from it.

• [first lines] 

  Reverend Ernst Toller : I have decided to keep a journal. Not in a word program or digital file, but in longhand, writing every word out so that every inflection of penmanship, every word chosen, scratched out, revised, is recorded. To set down all my thoughts and the simple events of my day factually and without hiding anything. When writing about oneself, one should show no mercy. I will keep this diary for one year; 12 months. And at the end of that time, it will be destroyed. Shredded, then burnt. The experiment will be over.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Despair is a development of pride so great that it chooses one's certitude rather than admit God is more creative than we are.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Will God forgive us for what we're doing to his creation?

• Reverend Ernst Toller : The man who says nothing always seems more intelligent. Why couldn't I just keep silent?

• Reverend Ernst Toller : How easily they talk about prayer, those who have never really prayed.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Some are called for their gregariousness, some are called for their suffering. Others are called for their loneliness.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Well somebody's got to do something!

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Well, somebody has to do something! It's the Earth that hangs in the balance.

  Reverend Joel Jeffers : Well what if this is His plan? What if we just can't see it?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : You think God wants to destroy his creation?

  Reverend Joel Jeffers : He did once. For 40 days and 40 nights.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : I despise you. I despise what you bring out in me. Your concerns are petty. You are a stumbling block.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Every act of preservation is an act of creation. Everything preserved renews creation. It's how we participate in creation.

• Michael : You believe in martyrdom, Reverend?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : I'm not sure I know what you mean.

  Michael : The Saints of God, the early Christians who wouldn't renounce their faith? The missionaries who were attacked in the fields of the Lord. Do you believe that they died for a purpose?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : I do.

  Michael : Well, every week, activists are killed trying to protect the environment.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : The desire to pray itself is a type of prayer. How often we ask for genuine experience when all we really want is emotion.

• Michael : Are you a drinking man, Reverend?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : It doesn't help.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : I know that nothing can change and I know there is no hope. Thomas Merton wrote this.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Discernment intersects with Christian life at every moment. Discernment. Listening and waiting for God's wish what action must be taken.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Maybe I shouldn't care about whether people like me. Did Jesus worry about being liked?

• Reverend Ernst Toller : By thy words, you shall be justified, and by thy words, you shall be condemned.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : There's something growing inside Mary, something as alive as a tree, surely. As an endangered species. Something full of the beauty and mystery of nature.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : A terrible night. No sooner than I shut my eyes desolation came upon me. What is one's last thought as you pull the trigger? "There goes my head" or "Jesus watch over me?" Or neither? I'm going to tear these pages out. This journal brings me no peace. It's self-pity, nothing more.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : I know what you want, and I can't bear your concern, your constant hovering, your neediness. You are a constant reminder of my own personal inadequacies and failings. You want something that never was and never will be.

• Michael : What was his name? Your son?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : Joseph. The boy thrown down the well.

  Michael : I remember. The dreamer.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Why do we deny ourselves?

• Reverend Joel Jeffers : The creation waits in eager expectation of liberation from bondage. That's Romans 8:23. You understand?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : So, we should pollute so God can restore? We should sin so God can forgive?

• Reverend Ernst Toller : These thoughts and recollections are not so different from those I confide to God every morning. When it is possible. When He is listening. This journal is a form of speaking, of communication from one to the other. A communication which can be achieved simply and in repose without prostration or abnegation. It is a form of prayer.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : Everything is so extreme. There's no middle ground. Us versus them. We're right, they're wrong let's go to war.

  Reverend Joel Jeffers : It's the times. These are frightening times. These kids grow up in a world we can hardly imagine. A sea of pornography from the time they're ten years old, hyper violent video games, a world without privacy, each kid isolated, communicating through media. A world without hope. Raised on a diet of terrorism, nuclear threats and global warming. You don't know what it's like to raise a kid in this...

  Reverend Ernst Toller : I did raise a kid.

  Reverend Joel Jeffers : I didn't mean it that way. They're frightened. They want certainty. Don't think, follow. They fall prey to extremism. Jihadism is everywhere.

  [gestures] 

  Reverend Joel Jeffers : Even here.

• Balq : [shifts tone]  Look, I understand you're upset. You found the body, correct?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : [nods] 

  Balq : How?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : We were supposed to meet. He texted me the location.

  Balq : And you counseled him, Reverend?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : Yes.

  Balq : You counseled him. Then he shot himself.

  Reverend Ernst Toller : Yes.

  [His point is made...] 

  Balq : I think you need to step back, Reverend. Look at your own life before you criticize others.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : I suddenly feel much better. I awoke early, clear-headed, and immediately set about my daily tasks.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : [V.O]  Who am I to talk about pride?

• Esther : Well, that's what they do. You need someone to take care of you.

  Reverend Ernst Toller : Esther, we tried that. I'm not made for that.

  Esther : For what? Love? You're not made for love?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : My marriage was a failure.

  Esther : No marriage can survive the loss of a child.

  Reverend Ernst Toller : Esther.

  Esther : Is that what you think? That what we did together was a sin? That we transgressed?

  Reverend Ernst Toller : I don't believe that. I've seen enough real sin to know the difference. Okay?

  Esther : [backs off]  Okay. I understand. I care about you. I want you to be happy.

  Reverend Ernst Toller : I am happy.

• Reverend Ernst Toller : [Toller lies fully clothed on the bed. V.O]  My petty ailments have made me bad tempered. I fight the urge to write down the thoughts which come to my mind.