Dr Wily's Reviews

The Grand Knockout Tournament (1987 TV Special)

12 July 2004

I, too, caught this on the USA Network in the late 1980's. I believe The Grand Knockout Tournament was held yearly; not sure if it still is. And, I think USA carried one more installment of this, after which, it was never seen again.

Decidedly, one of the oddest charity events ever televised. Not that the charity was odd, but, the games the celebrities played for their perspective teams. In one, someone dressed as a jester has to cross a pole suspended over water while opposing team members dressed as royalty toss fake food at him in an attempt to prevent him from crossing. Another event has players from one team dressed as vegetables while the other chases after them in an attempt to remove their costumes and toss them into a gigantic soup pot.

All in all, it was a whole lot of fun. Very strange, but, a lot of British humor is to be expected that way. And, since it was all for charity, I say let the grand knocking out commence!

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G.I. Joe: Spy Troops the Movie (2003 TV Movie)

Not as bad as I expected.

20 March 2004

While not the best G.I. Joe I've ever seen (As someone who grew up on the original 1980's cartoon to eventually meet some of its original stars.) I was pleasantly surprised by how well it does work. I expected it to focus entirely on Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow as too much of Joe has focused on martial arts and ninjas over recent years. Thankfully, that's shelved as a small part of this movie.

They wisely brought back onboard one of the men integral to 1980's G.I. Joe history as the writer. Larry Hama, writer of about 90% of the original Marvel G.I. Joe series, as well as having input on both the toy file cards and into the original cartoon series, brings a lot of the old series back with him. And, while I'd have preferred a more direct old Joe continuation, this new vision of it could have been worse. Hama wisely sticks with one basic element: Cobra's latest world control plot. This time, it's a combination of virtually remote controlled war vehicles and an army of new robot soldiers, updated Battle Android Troopers (B.A.T.s)

CGI could have been better, but, I've seen worse. While the voice cast is sans anyone from the original series, it does provide some past links with G.I. Joe cartoon history. A handful of the actors from the 2nd animated series, released by DIC, and some from the G.I. Joe: Extreme abortion are back. Scott McNeil as Destro, though, is the only one who is back as a character he had previously. Other nice touches are peppered throughout for old Joe fans. B.A.T.s were, either positively or negatively, a constant element in the 2nd season of the old show, and in a few scenes, bars of the original G.I. Joe cartoon theme appear. I think you'll find "he'll fight for freedom, wherever there is trouble" in key points.

All in all, I've spent a worse of my life before, and, was quite surprised by how well it does turn out. "YOUR CRACKERS, COBRA COMMANDER!"

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Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)

I think it's quite a good sequel.

20 March 2004

A lot of people don't like this picture, but, I think it works. It is helmed by a strong cast of principle performers and carried off by a unique twist on the sequel impetus. The idea is fairly original, as opposed to the usual: for this story, one would normally expect they'd just focus on another group of survivors and how they get out. Instead of dealing with people wanting to get out, the plot is spurred on by people wanting to get IN. Then, ironically, they become trapped and become the people who have to get out, along with some of those aforementioned survivors to keep with tradition. I also have to give the film credit for that little bits of continuity, like Linda's body is still lying near the entrance of the ship the crew uses, the same hole the original movie's survivors escaped from. In the end, the movie isn't as bad as it is often called.

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The Hellstrom Chronicle (1971)

Now, this is the way to make a documentary!

17 January 2004

For 10 plus years, "The Hellstrom Chronicle" was regularly plugged into the 2am/4am movie slot on a local station in the middle 80's through 90's. Too bad it couldn't get more coverage, because this is how a documentary should be made.

The problem with documentaries is if you focus too much on the clinical data, it becomes dry. If yo try to interject drama into it, you run the risk of sending up the piece, into parody or even farce. Hellstrom interjects just the right amount of fiction, in the form of Lawrence Pressman, that links the documentary portions at a pace that keeps it from losing one's interest. It's obvious that "Dr." Hellstrom, a fictitious entomologist, is paranoid that insects will take over the world through their superiority over men. The most interesting thing, though, is he may very well be right! If the insect world footage has any say in how future matters may turn out, it will.

Of particular interest is the portion of the footage devoted to the driver ants. As has been quoted in other reviews, this is a prime example of "How DID they film that?!" documentary in motion. It's an inspiration out of "Leinengen Vs. The Ants," only it's real!

If you can find this "movie," give it a roll. Expand your mind a bit with some facts, while at the same time, become entertained by Dr. Hellstrom... even if he isn't a real doctor, but, he plays one on TV! (Actually, he did! Pressman went on to play one on Doogie Howser, M.D.)

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Mad Movies with the L.A. Connection (1985– )

Ah, glad to see this show is still remembered.

3 December 2003

The premise is simple: take a movie, probably within the public domain or has a lot of copyright problems and can be obtained cheaply, trim it down to half an hour and dub in new lines. It's not a new premise, so, its success rests on the quality of the writing. And, Mad Movies certainly succeeded!

Back in my Beta days, I wore my tapes to death with repeats. The only episode I nearly completely (Missing credits.) have transfered to VHS was, thankfully, what is probably the best: "Night Of The Living Dead." ("I'll hide in the trash!") There was also some old cowboy movie that was interrupted intermittently by a song of praise for a jelly sandwich and a fresh rhubarb pie. ("Lost my sandwich, jelly sandwich, now a sad guy am I!") from its cast, including the lead horse. I think there was also a rif on some Carmen Miranda movie. Unfortunately, it's hard to review a series like this, because it depends on actually hearing the gags. Thus, you must see the episodes, which are probably locked in TV Land's vaults somewhere, never to be seen again.

The show aired on Nick@Nite, Sunday, around 10 PM or 10:30, for only a year. A few years later, I believe the L.A. Connection made Blobbermouth, where they spoofed the entire original "The Blob" for theatrical release, but, I've not seen it. After that, the Mad Movies concept and the L.A. Connection appeared to have just disappeared.

Mad Movies should appeal to fans of other similarly themed shows like: Dynaman, Samurai Pizza Cats, and Tokyo Pig.

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Fractured Flickers (1963– )

I really miss this show!

18 May 2003

I caught this little gem very briefly on Ha!, what would become Comedy Central, in the early 1990's, weekly at the ungodly hour of 2 AM on Mondays. But, I made sure to watch it as long as they showed it. Which wasn't long, but, I still remember it today.

If you're familiar with What's Up Tiger Lily, Dynaman, Samurai Pizza Cats, Kung Pow: Enter The Fist, or Tokyo Pig, the premise will be familiar. They take old silent pictures and recut them for comedic effect, with new soundtracks provided by some of the best voice actors of all time. Even the series host was one. In the final analysis, a show such as this must rest on whether the scripts are funny. And, with writers from such shows as Rocky And Bullwinkle and Get Smart, it succeeds. Thankfully, I was able to tape some of my favorite shorts when Ha reran them. Mine are the same as most everyone else who remembers this series: the one about Zorro, the one with the Applegate murders, with an unlikely list of suspects, including a monkey and a surprised and infuriated looking Hans Conreid.

So, it's hard to find, but, if you know someone who has these, beg, borrow, or steal their tapes. You can sure do worse with 30 minutes of your time, by far!

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Gunhed (1989)

Literal nonsense

20 April 2003

Warning: Spoilers

SPOILER!! Saw this on Sci-Fi Channel as Gunhed. And, even though it is Japanese, I saw it "translated" into English; still makes no sense. I've nothing against mindless fluff films, but even check your brain in at the door movies go SOMEWHERE. This picture had me saying outloud "What's the point?!" multiple times.

It starts off with a decent enough premise. In the near future, technology is worth more than gold, so, a group of scavengers are trying to loot an industrial complex on an old island for any left over tech. However, this island is home to a vast computer that had tried to wage war on man some years earlier, and, it's still active. But, any semblence to sense at that point disappears.

In short order, most of the scavengers are killed off in one sitting, leaving only one man and woman. They soon discover a female commando, apparently part of a previously briefly discussed conflict against this computer. They also discover a girl and apparently someone named 11. They eventually find some sort of control room with a vat of green goo and some sort of data crystal. The surviving female scavenger somehow falls into the goo and becomes physically absorbed into a robot whose only function is to roam around the movie and occassionally harass the cast. People get separated by the robot, who takes the data crystal and stabs it through its hand. Okay... from there, we cut to the one remaining free main cast member and the girl who find the remains of a Gunhed, apparently a form of artifically intelligent tank.

They get it working in time to discover the computer has to cycle its energy supply soon, which will basically turn the complex into a nuclear reactor. So, in their attempt to escape, somehow the girl reaches apparatus to drop various bombs all over the place which destroys part of "the city." They escape this and try to find some chemical coolant to stop the reactor process. They have 10 minutes to do this, but, this 10 minutes stretches out over 30 minutes of the film. Meanwhile, 11's mouth starts glowing orange and she locks up the female commando to go to the green goo room and meet the robot. The commando escapes and follows 11 while Gunhed takes on a defense robot called Aerobot. While Gunhed keeps Aerobot busy, our male hero sneaks by and discovers everyone else in the green goo room. The female absorbed into the green goo robot still has a hand grenade with her, so, she detonates it, destroying the robot. The female commando gives our male hero the data crystal, or whatever it is. It could even be the TexMexium, a weird metal that lets computers mentally control humans, as briefly described in the film's opening text.

Out of nowhere, a 10 second self destruct sequence activates. Now, remember, the 10 minutes we had before the reactor started was NEVER resolved, and, now, we have this self destruct to deal with. Gunhed activates its rockets and crashes into a wall, promptly stating, "I can only hold off the self destruct sequence for 15 minutes this way." HOW?! Crashing into a wall will delay a 10 second destruct sequence somehow by 15 minutes? With the counter delayed at 3, our remaining cast escapes the island. This 15 minutes go by in under 1 minute of film time. A mystery plane escapes the island before it explodes. It receives a transmission from the Gunhed that the Gunhed batallion completed its mission. THE END

I dare ANYONE to try and make any sense out of that... The effects by Toho are quite fine, especially by late 80's standards, and even foreshadow the trend the Godzilla pictures would later take on. Reminded me most of Godzilla Vs. King Ghidorah (1991). But, while giant robot movies don't require a tighlty intricate script to work, they must STILL possess the barest modicum of logic. Gunhed, the movie, must have fallen into that same vat of green goo mentioned earlier this the review. In the end, a waste of 90 odd minutes.

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Mobile Fighter G Gundam (1994–1995)

Supporting cast just manages to save this show from its star

19 February 2003

To start off, an overview of the program. In an alternate, future Earth, colonies have spread throughout the solar system. Every four years, a grand tournament is held between fighters piloting giant robot weapons called Gundams. The fighter that wins, his represented nation controls the rest of the colonies until the next tournament. Enter Domon, representing Neo-Japan, first looking for his missing brother, but eventually becomes involved in a fight to save the universe when others behind the scenes of the tournament make their own plans for the outcome.

And, it is Domon, the lead character, who brings this show almost grinding to a halt. Rarely has such a flat central character carried a program. He wins 99.9% of his fights simply because he is the main character. The writers pull off the most unbelievable excuses to make sure he wins, if they even bother to do that! Sometimes, they just have Domon win for no real reason at all. As a martial artist, his character takes the stance that "he can only communicate with his fists." Well, what a great rationalization for violence, eh? And, strangely enough, everyone around him just accepts and believes this! Add to this several sub-plots involving him that are rather blatantly obvious: the mystery of the fighter Schwarz Bruder (Anyone with a German 1 high school level of the language can guess who he really is.) what happened to his father, and the unexpected love story that develops in the last few episodes, and, we really come to care less about whatever happens to Domon by the end. We know he'll win before he even enters a fight, so, there's no sense of tension.

That having been said, the supporting cast of characters is quite a surprise. Save for a couple, most have believable motivations. Argo fights to free his friends wrongfully imprisoned because of what he's done stands out, even though this plot element isn't touched that heavily upon. Even a minor character, who only appears a couple of times, becomes important and interesting when it is learned his wife was killed accidentally involving Argo. He blames the Russian for her death when, actually, he had been trying to save her at the time. The current colonial leader, Wong, is manipulating the tournament so his nation can rule for all time by resurrecting an all powerful Gundam. Domon's teacher, Master, is using Wong to get the Gundam for himself because he's become mad with the belief that the Earth must be saved from mankind itself. Even George, whose reason for fighting is one of the less creative ones, to battle for the honor of his country, is carried off better than the star's.

In the end, the smaller stories do manage to save this series from its bland central focuses. The idea of giant robots battling for a specific purpose beyond war is also a refreshing take on the past Gundam shows. Not the best action cartoon ever, but, better than some Gundam series. Definitely a show that is better than its main character.

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Phase IV (1974)

More of an essay than a story, but still recommended viewing

27 August 2002

Phase IV is not your average movie experience. Definitely not for everyone, so, see it if you get the chance (Last I saw it was a 1997 airing on The Sci-Fi Channel.) and decide if it's for you.

It's even hard to generalize WHAT the movie is about. On the surface, a colony of ants has gained a heightened level of intelligence and has apparently decided to drive out the local people. A group of surviving scientists, who were examining the ant phenomenon, rescue a wandering woman, and they become "trapped" in the "laboratory." The lead researcher then goes nutters over trying to determine what the ants are doing and getting nowhere because, well, ants and humans just aren't natural conversationalists. And the story ends... well, it just ends. What did the ants want? Did they take over the woman's body at the end? Did they the one surviving scientist, or, did he "join" them, just come to reason with them, what? Plus, what ARE the other three "Phases?"

Now, I first saw this film on Beta in 1985 and on VHS many time since, the last being the aforementioned 1997 airing. I've read the reviews here, and, WHERE are people getting the alien intelligence taking over the ants from?! I've been watching this movie for 15 plus years, and, I can't recall any aliens mentioned. An alien influence on the ants WOULD make a bit more sensical motivation for the ants, but, I don't recall this stated even as a theory anywhere in the movie. I welcome anyone to e-mail me and let me know where it is in the film, because, I may have just failed to catch it.

So, why would I recommend it? This movie manages to effectively pull you into the story without any of the excess baggage one would expect from a nature gets its revenge picture. No drawn out "battle" sequences, like "Empire Of The Ants." The event has happened, so, there's no need to express it with cheap special effects. The story hinges instead on the aftermath, how people deal with it, the scientific community's response, all the time presenting a prevailing air of mystery as to why the ants did it. The casual viewer will be disappointed by its rather quizzical ending because it doesn't "resolve" the question of what the ants want or were doing in a clean cut package. In fact, it doesn't GIVE an answer. It opens up the floor to debate, so to speak, where your own questions about it allow you to formulate your own "message" from the ending. Can we live with the ants? Can the ants live with us? Do either sides want to?

Many would also find this film boring because of the lack of "action" sequences until the end, pretty much summed up when the nutter scientist is consumed in a pit of ants. Instead, the film builds up suspense with effective small shots of the ants themselves. Ants moving through technical equipment to "sabotage" it. Ants moving through their tunnels, reflecting a genuine "sinister" sense, a sort of "What are they planning, if anything?" atmosphere. Ants moving over furniture, people. Nothing over done with an army of ants crawling all over the place, people screaming as they drown in a flood of insects (Save the one scientist, I suppose.) It doesn't dumb itself down with exploitive action sequences.

In the end, the film doesn't insult a viewer's intelligence. IF someone doesn't get anything out of about it, the film just lets them be. For others, it opens up the floor with unresolved questions, but, does not hinge on them, like so many cop out endings. You're left to reach your own conclusions, but not as a crutch, to avoid having to write an ending or a low budget, etc.

An interesting film if you can ever find it. If you do, watch it and decide for yourself. It's one of the few movies made that lets you choose whether to like it or not, and goes along with that.

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Return of the Living Dead III (1993)

I cannot contain my disdain any longer

20 July 2002

After a recent showing on Sci-Fi reminded me of just how much I hated this movie when it first came out on video, I thought I'd vent my frustration with a review.

Stay away from this one! While an attempt was at least made to return to the horror aspects of the horror-comedy "Return Of The Living Dead," the result is simply a mess. Even barring the about 10 complete screenplay rewrites and the 20 different special effects teams, they still didn't get it right. They can't decide whether zombies eat human flesh or brains, despite the fact is told at the beginning they eat brains. After becoming a zombie, Julie complains she can't feel her flesh, yet, complains of near constant pain from not eating human bits. The whole silliness of inserting sharp objects into her body is merely an excuse to appeal to the self mutilation and piercing fetishists, who were a small minority at the time. Cops indescriminantly shoot at escaping vehicles even when it's just a robbery call, and, even shoot a wounded man in the back when he opens the door, calling for their help. And the whole "We love each other so we belong in Hell because Hell is now the cool thing" motif is just plain annoying.

The sad thing is there are things to potentially like in this story. A real reason offered for eating brains, the attempt to revitalize zombies as Army bio-weapons, the cyborg Riverman zombie. Even some good actors like James Callahan and Sarah Douglas, who even manage to eclipse the bad acting of Kent McCord. But, what is entirely unforgivable, especially given what was already stated in the previous paragraph, is how there is absolutely no moral consequence given to any actions in this movie. The guy who revives his girlfriend, the aforementioned Julie, from the dead doesn't even give a second thought before doing it. When she is revived and wants to kill and eat people, all she does is blame him for reviving her, he who in turn merely yells at her for being unappreciative. As she goes and eating and/or killing and eating people, all he does is scream her name, ocassionally smacking her. She kills Riverman, who helped find Julie and save her boyfriend, too, and, the guy doesn't even seem phased. He just screams her name again, like she's supposed to know it's bad merely from that and stop. Everything seems to be justified merely because they love each other. To Hell, and by the end of the film they mean that expressively literally, with everyone and everything else. Even if it means absolute destruction.

Very few redeeming qualities, which are utterly swept aside by how many detestable elements this film had. And, now, they're making a Part Four even after this debacle?!

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Without Warning (1994 TV Movie)

"...a realistic depiction of fictional events. None of what you have just seen is real."

11 July 2002

As the final commercial comment said, a realistic depiction of fictional events that never occurred. For Halloween of 1994, CBS paid homage to the Orson Welles radio broadcast of "War Of The Worlds" with a story about asteroids colliding with Earth. The movie is told in a style of interrupted TV broadcasts, eventually becoming on the air news of the destruction of the world. It is told like a series of newscasts breaking up normal broadcast television. (In fact, the movie opens up with a clip from a Mario Bava picture.) This is the movie's greatest strength.

To add to the realism, they used real news caster Sander Vanocur as the "star." It may seem kind of redundant, but, Vanocur does play a fake newscaster well, as if it is real. In too many cases, like say sports stars, it's hard to act playing your profession on screen. He lends the film believability, much the same way he does to the news scenes in "Street Fighter: The Movie." With cameos by, as themselves, Arthur C. Clarke and a bevy of people who you probably wouldn't know playing themselves, one might be forgiven for believing it if they came in on the middle on this. Only the appearances of established actors John de Lancie, Dennis Lipscomb (From another disaster epic, "The Day After.") Philip Baker Hall, and she who would become the mother of Malcolm In The Middle reassure anyone who hasn't been watching from the beginning that it's a fake.

The only real problem with this production are a few science fiction cliche's thrown into the story. Yes, we know we humans are barbarian. But, how else would you react when directed asteroids were being hurled your way, even if they may (Or may not.) have been under control of an alien, peaceful intelligence merely trying to send us a message? You take steps to prevent them from crashing into you. And, yes, blowing things up is a violent reaction, but, if you were an alien trying to peacefully contact Earth, would you rain down stone armageddon (Excuse the pun.) from the skies?

All in all, the final result is a pleasing surprise of extended, building suspense and (mostly) logical story progression. The ending is a nice surprise, where the denoument doesn't extend too long, for once. I'm glad I taped this during its first run, as I've not seen it air anywhere in the US since. Another perfect unknown candidate for a video release.

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The Day of the Triffids (1981)

Excellent adaptation of the original novel

10 July 2002

Imagine my surprise one day in 1990 when I turned on Arts & Entertainment Network expecting to see the 1963 movie "The Day Of The Triffids." Rather surprised it would turn up on A&E, I still was thankful for the bit of luck. Never would I have guessed it wasn't "The Day Of The Triffids" I knew.

While I still like the generic monster movie version, this apparently made for TV adaptation is much more faithful to the novel. The movie is forced to sacrifice a lot of the human commentary in exchange for a resolved ending. This TV version keeps the focus on the character interaction, and, through their reaction, commentary on society. As with so many British TV shows, "Day Of The Triffids'" few faults are monetary.

Near as I can tell, in the United States, there were very few chances to see this production, which is a real shame. As, also, I have yet to hear of it ever being released on home video formats. A&E seemed to be the only outlet. And, I only know of 3 times it aired. Once in 1990, and twice again in 1991, which was when I taped it, and, I'm glad as I did, as I've yet to see it air anymore. However, A&E's broadcast quality was terrible at that time, notoriously dropping out signal. Plus, A&E always ran it over the course of 2 separate days, never advertising when the next part would be broadcast, and, the next part wasn't always in a logical fashion. One time, they showed it over two consecutive weekdays, once over a Saturday and Sunday weekend, and once Part 1 one Saturday and Part 2 the next Saturday. So, some company needs to release this rare gem, hopefully on DVD.

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Rocky Road (1985– )

Not groundbreaking, nothing new, but, it was funny

27 April 2002

This TV series was one of a handful of originally produced comedies for TBS, Turner Broadcasting. Along with shows like "The New Leave It To Beaver" and "Down To Earth," "Rocky Road" was not anything original. It had been done before: people inherit a business (ice cream parlor) from family and have to make a go of it. Airing on weekends, given a Friday time slot, "Rocky Road" was still an entertaining enough show. It provided a constant series of good enough laughs that one didn't waste their time if they watched it. Better than "The New Leave It To Beaver," but not as good as "Down To Earth." Like many short lived sitcoms, "Rocky Road" is probably best remembered, by those who know, for its theme song: "Welcome to the home of the family's very own: Rocky, Rocky Road!"

While this series will probably forever languish in a vault, if tapes even still exist of it, if some station ever programmed it in, you won't be disappointed with investing 22 minutes into it. Lewis Arquette's character was my particular favorite, and well worth watching just for his appearances.

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Doctor Who (1996 TV Movie)

A mediocre success

24 December 2001

Where the Doctor Who TV movie works, it works well; where it fails, it's as obvious as "The Gunfighters," generally considered one of the worst, if not the, worst episode of the "Doctor Who" TV series. It's failures are glaring, and, that's where I wish to start. But, to reach there, I think it best to start at the finished product and work a few steps back to get at where I think the major problem lies.

If this film was to succeed on a broader scale, it had to attract viewers other than the series fans. So, it had to establish the character and common attributes of the series for those who had never seen the show before. This it did not do. Why? Let's start by viewing the choice of villain. The Master. In the "Doctor Who" scheme of things, the Master ranks at #3. So, why choose the #3 villain over the more popular other 2 choices? Choice #2 would be the Cybermen. To do the Cybermen, you'd have to either spend money on costumes to make actors into Cybermen, or use computer effects to overlay on actors or create Cybermen out of thin air. That would cost a lot of money for a project not necessarily guaranteed to win ratings, and, given the show's past propensity with budgets, would seem highly unlikely. Choice #1 the Daleks also face the same problem: building prop Daleks or using computer effects to generate them out of nothing. Again, the cost factor. That's why I think the Master was chosen. Cost. You hire one man, put him in a costume.

The villain problem is solved, but, the Master is not a villain familiar to even many Doctor Who US fans, let alone those who have seen the show before. No one was watching the series until the Daleks came along, so, the movie would have had a better shot in the US trying to repeat it. Whether that would have worked or not cannot be said, but, without trying it, it would obviously fail. So, with the Master onboard, the movie can really only hook fans of the TV series, not get too many, if ANY, new, casual viewers to turn their eyes from some established US sitcom or drama on at the time its up against.

If you're going after the main core of fans, you must do something that will not alienate them. And, a lot of what happens in the Doctor Who movie can easily be met with resistance, and even resentment. From the opening, the Daleks appear in a cameo role to exterminate the Master. They ESTABLISH the Daleks, but don't use them! That's frustrating enough, but, also WHY are the Daleks determined to kill the Master? They DON'T hold trials, except for show, and just exterminate those in the way. Long time fans can infer this moment is related to the series story "Frontier In Space," but, again, it's only an inference. They include the previous Doctor, #7, and explain his regeneration into the new Doctor, but, it's almost like it's just throwing a dog a bone. Done because it HAS to be. The way Doctor #7 is removed the picture is just too hastily handled. And, if you're aiming for the long time fans, you don't go changing already established facts on the series. For example, changing the location and WHAT the Eye Of Harmony is, suddenly the Doctor is half human, the Master is now apparently half reptilian, etc. Like with the aforementioned change in Dalek psychology, the Daleks ALSO ask their MORTAL enemy, the Doctor, to take the Master's remains back to Gallifrey, his home planet?! HUH?!

So, where the film works makes it at least tolerable. Paul McGann makes a convincing Doctor character, combining the silliness of Doctor 4 with the we're all doomed prophecy of Doctor 7. Eric Roberts is okay, but, he does tend to chew up everyone and everything in his way. (I think he'd have made a decent Davros, actually. Especially in the parts where he's wearing the dark glasses. And, with Davros, you're expected to go over the top.) The set pieces are done well. Most strikingly, the TARDIS interior and Eye Of Harmony, but, also, the street scene where Doctor 7 is attacked, the morgue, and the Institute at the end of the movie.

At the end, the film is a mediocre success. It won't pull in any new fans, and there is enough to bother established series watchers. But, if anyone will see this film, it will BE those established viewers. Had the story gone with more accepted fan villains like the Cybermen, it might have been better. Or, had it used the Daleks, new viewers might have turned in, like had originally been done with the TV series. Now, though, we'll never know.

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Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Not bad, just a mostly useless update to a classic.

23 April 2001

The 30th anniversary edition of NOTLD was not as bad as I expected it to be. The added scenes are mostly useless. The background behind the cemetary zombie adds some behind sight, but, most of it is extemporaneous. The tacked on new ending, supposedly to be shocking, as the DVD liner notebook says, is bland, and appears to be advertising a possible sequel. (Possibly "Children Of The Living Dead?")

Technically, the added footage is not as bad as I expected it to be. It does not blend in flawlessly, obviously. You can quite tell where the new material is, but, from a mechanical standpoint, they did a pretty good job at trying to match the original material. The only problem being the new material is not necessary.

The soundtrack was altered in several places that were also useless. The new music track is the most obvious, as the original musical soundtrack is far better. The radio reports from the original film were rescripted to add some more background information, and, while unnecessary, they were inserted fairly well, using the narrator from the first film.

The bright spot about the 30th edition is the digital remastering. Finally, a superb quality print. I'd seen the film for 14 years before this version, and, I never noticed some of the details in the basement scene at the end, like Mr. Cooper missing an arm. A visually perfect transfer, it's just too bad they didn't do this with the original, without added footage and new music.

You won't waste your money buying this, but, you won't gain much beyond the digital transfer either. The DVD is more recommended because of the behind the scenes extras and narrative commentary.

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Head (1968)

It's kind of hard to say what to make of this picture...

22 April 2001

It's entertaining, and definitely not a waste of time, but, a lot of writer (THE) Jack Nicholson has to say makes so little sense...

The main problem is that film makes little sense. The eyeball in the medicine cabinet bit in hilarious, as is the cameo by a giant Victor Mature. And, the whole tone of the film. It almost seems as if the Monkees wanted to destroy their own careers with this film, the self destructive attitude of the script. "You think they call us plastic now, but, you just wait until I tell them how we do it!" "Hey, hey, we are the Monkees! You know we love to please! A manufactured image, with no philosophies!"

It's more spiteful than it is comedic self depreciation. Self parody would have worked, but, they were being spiteful to themselves. The sheer fact that over the course of the film, the Monkees character either die or commit suicide many times. And, what's up with the out of place anti-war protests that litter the film? The psychodelic moments are very entertaining, but, the rest of it that makes so little sense, it sticks out too much.

It's entertaining film, but, be aware the trip along the way can be hazardous to the sanity.

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Nightmare City (1980)

I can't understand why people hate this flick so much... it's not MEANT to be perfect.

24 January 2001

Perfecticality would ruin most Italian exploitation films. Zombie ones in particular. Such is the case of the title I know this film best by, and my favorite of the titles, "City Of The Walking Dead."

A surprising tame offering from the director of "Make Them Die Slowly," there are a lot of things to like about this movie, if you can get over a few minor bumps. Examples follow.

For the second time in zombie movie history I saw ("Night Of The Zombies" being the first.), the zombies have a legitimate reason for attacking humans. They were created by radiation, like many a zombie, and, so, their red blood cells need to be replaced. Simple and believable enough. But, again, this is where some of the bumps come in, because, a.) how to the ZOMBIES know this b.) how does DRINKING human blood replace the cells in their blood stream and c.) why are the zombies SPILLING more blood getting at the fluid of life from their victims than they consume when they cut them apart?

Another zombie tradition is broken with the idea of fast, super human, intelligent zombies. Capable of working together, use automatic weapons, disable a city's power supplies, even fly airplanes! (Again, the bumps.) This adds to the over all effective mood of the flick. That the zombies are everywhere, and, even though they can be killed with a bullet through the head (One of the few zombie cliches kept.) they move so fast and are so numerous a genuine feeling of tension is kept throughout the film.

The soundtrack to this movie is superb! Electronic synthesis that is surprisingly good for 1980. A gently prodding opening theme, the general "zombie attack" theme, and the remix of the two at the end. If it's not out on CD, someone needs to compile it.

As I said, there are bumps that are evident and unavoidable. The most glaring one is the ending. Yes, it's bad and ripped off from "Invaders From Mars." It's annoying and cheap, but, it's not THAT bad. Doesn't detract from the rest of the film.

Where does Umberto Lenzi manage to get Mel Ferrer from?! In "The Emerald Jungle" and now once again, he shows up. Despite this bit of odd casting, however, Ferrer turns in the best performance of the film.

The make up effects range from the wonderfully squeamish (The poor lass who loses a nipple to a crowbar. The woman who loses her eye to another crowbar in a basement. BTW, did they prop guy get a deal on crowbars for this film? They show up everywhere!) to the poorly done. (The zombie make is pretty much slapped together. There's a scene in the airport attack where, if you look closely, the victim is already bleeding in the head BEFORE the blow of the zombie attack is delivered.) As I mentioned earlier, the gore is relatively tame, in most parts, for an Umberto Lenzi flick.

Like many zombie movies, you can't take it too seriously. Accept it for what it offers... zombie attacks, human mutilation, death, lots of topless women running around... and you won't be too disappointed.

Ah... remember the golden days of Continental Video, and their far superior video cover for "City Of The Walking Dead...?"

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Empire of the Ants (1977)

Believe it or not, there a few positive things in this movie...

2 January 2001

Most of the reviews are bad, and, deservedly so. I thought I'd point out a few of the good things in this movie, though. That way, you can keep an eye out for them and not hurt as much watching this movie.

The plot is virtually slapped together. Toxic waste is idiotically dumped in the ocean by who knows whom. One tank washes ashore on an island that some people have come to view prospective lots. They grow large enough just in time to not only annoy the prospective buyers with inconveniences such as eating them alive, but, they also manage to take over a small town through the use of ant pheramones. (OKAY...)

The special effects are virtual, too. Effects, yes; special, no. Some of the model work works. Most of the effects are either close ups of ants pressed against panes of glass or turned on their backs, or giant puppet ant heads; neither works well.

And, where did Joan Collins come from?!

But, there a few things that do work here. Most of the scenes in the swamp are very effective. They do manage to convey a sense of urgency of being trapped in the elements and chased by something. Especially in the rain. But, again, some of these don't work. At one point, Robert Lansing is leading survivors through the forest, and, he stops for a moment to get his bearings. He looks around. Then, suddenly, the camera pans out and right in from of everyone, apparently invisible previously, is a horde of blank ants all on their backs... how terrifying...

The story would probably have worked if it was more like the monster movies of the 50's. Just giant ants chasing after everyone trying to escape. None of the excess baggage this film adds, like the mind controlling ants, humans feeding ants their sugar, the spots of pro-feminism thrown in for no real reason, etc.

The acting is surprisingly okay for such an easily to fumble premise of execution. Lansing, Robert Pine, and Albert Salmi's performances are for the most part presentable, and they add a bit of spice to a cast that mostly exists to be eaten by the Empire Of The Ants.

Bert I. Gordon's done better; he's done worse. So, don't expect any majesty out of this movie, and, you'll probably enjoy bits of it. But, be warned; the cheese level is as high as... an ant hill...

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Digimon: Digital Monsters (1999–2007)

The quality of this show is a bad shoot, but is many times worth throwing the dice.

5 December 2000

I cannot think of another show with as much potential, and as much wasted potential, as "Digimon." I won't get into the versus Pokemon versus Monster Rancher debate. (So far as to say, for me, Digimon is better than Pokemon, but, Monster Rancher beats them both.) I'm just going to stick to the Digimon show.

One week I'm watching it and I can't stand the patheticly weak script. The next, I'm utterly floored by how much character development, pathos, and unexpected emotional turns the plot delivers. And, then, the next 5 weeks are a batch of terribly derivative fight episodes, followed by 3 incredibly solid scripts.

This on again/off again quality of the scripts can be annoying, and, can lead one to want to leave the series alone. I have several times vowed not to watch it again, but, I have, and, am continually surprised at how often I'm pleased with this show and how often I find it insulting my intelligence.

Bottom line, if you have a lot of patience, and can accept the good episodes for what they are: really good, then, the investment in watching is not wholly wasted. But, you do have to be willing to wade through garbage, sometimes.

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The Curse of the Alpha Stone (1972)

Why does this film continually escape the Top Ten Worst Of All Time?

18 October 2000

Warning: Spoilers

Also, why are there so few people trashing this flick? Is it that hard to find? I found it at a store once in 1989, saw it once, and never saw it anywhere again. This film is just plain AWFUL! Spoilers here, as I must reveal the entire plot and all the silly scenes to convey how terrible to piece of trash is!

The plot, as it were, revolves around a scientist working on some project on his own, away from his wife. One night, she drops by, and they make love, which apparently leads the scientist to a startling discovery! The rock he is working on gives him flash backs of making love to his wife, and, miraculously, his mind is opened to the power of the stone. Ground up and given to lab rats, it increases the size of their testicles. So, naturally, he expects he can do other sexual things with it.

He grinds up more of it and injects into a homosexual man who volunteers for the experiment. Soon, he leaves his lover and shacks up with a mannequin. Yes, a mannequin; apparently this chemical makes him that desperate. Well, now, of course, the rock starts manifesting itself left and right. It begins to glow and emit smoke, which intices the apartment complex's maid to immediately make love with the scientist, after first becoming aroused by her vacuum cleaner. (I told you it was awful, people...)

Over time, the stone starts to affect this one woman the scientist knows and she is drawn in by the stone for a s**g. When her friend founds out what she's done, she goes to confront the scientist, since she is apparently friends with the scientist's wife, and wants to have words with him over his infidelity. On the way there, the aforementioned wife, after watering the house plants in the nude, calls her hubby. He seems too wrapped up in the stone or having sex, whichever. This arouses her curiousity, and she goes off to see her husband.

Meanwhile, the man who received the test injection earlier is also off to see the scientist who drugged him. He's having all sort of physical side effects and hallucinations, and wants the scientist to undo it all. And, who should he run into in a hallucinogenic haze but the scientist's wife! His new found heterosexuality emerges again, and he chases her down and rapes her in the apartment complex's laundry room. Strangely enough, no one hears what's going on. Coming out of his haze, the man, realizing what he's done, picks up his victim off of the floor, opens a washing machine, conveniently places her buttocks on the agitator, inserts coins, and, in the movie's second silliest moment, leaves her to slosh back and forth on the agitator, now in motion...

While the man heads for the scientist's apartment, we discover the wife's angry friend has already arrived to confront the randy man. The stone beckons again, and, in a sexual fit, rapes her to death. Somehow, he's able to apparently split her open down the middle through the sheer act of sexual intercourse. With her blood on his... hands, the experiment arrives to have his say over the doctor's bad practices. After he jaws on his own problems, he discovers the doctor's when he finds the bloody corpse. Fed up with it all, he goes to end the experiments by confronting the stone, which he somehow now knows to be the source of all the evil.

Immediately realizing the apparent danger, if it was ever there, the scientist tries to stop him, just in time for his raped wife, who has recovered and extricated herself from the washing machine's agitator, to come by and discover the rape victim. Both husband and wife are witness now to the power of the stone as it possesses the experiment man. The stone is apparently the essence of Alpha, as he speaks in a disembodied voice, "I am Alpha. Men man judge me good or evil, but, I am beyond good and evil. I can take on any form!" And, to demonstrate this, he sends a jet fire of the doctor's way. The man is consumed, in so far as the special effects allow, consisting of a wall of fire ignited just in front of the doorway where he's standing, and it TRIES to cover the actor as he jumps aside to fake his disintegration.

And, in a signature silly ending, Alpha reiterates how it can take on any form, as it had said earlier. Cut to more silly voice overs from Alpha as we walking down the street, the only other woman to survive other than the maid, the friend who had had sex earlier with the doctor, prompting his wife's friend to confront him and be raped to death. Ah, the irony, as we have to INFER Alpha has now taken over her form...

In case you can't tell, this film goes absolutely nowhere except when it wants to display full frontal female nudity.

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Prey (1977)

Strangely plausible for a B- movie.

16 October 2000

Don't expect a top notch production here, by any means. But, if you allow yourself to vegetate, it's entertaining. Even better, the story, to an extent, is believable and possible.

An alien sent on an at first unknown mission lands on Earth and assumes the form of some man he comes across and kills. He's taken in by a lesbian couple, one of whom believes him to be injured. As time passes, however, she starts to want to be his lover and be taken away from her possessive lesbian lover. Said lesbian lover arrives just in time to see, after they have consummated, the alien eating her! She tries to flee, but is immediately hunted down... which leads in to the finale which reveals the alien mission: a child runs about playing as our alien reports in he has found perfect cattle stock to start raising food with!

This is a nice play on the old cliche of Mars Needs Women type of film story. And, though stories have been done where aliens come down to conquer Earth for food (Read "V.") this is, so far, the only film I've seen where they've combined the two cliches: capture Earthlings to use as cattle to reproduce to raise food. Beyond this theme, though, is where the film doesn't do as well. The direction is a bit plodding, but at least, some positive character development is given between the jealously obsessive lesbian lover losing her opposite other. The lighting is practically non-existent, so, turn up the brightness.

All in all, if you can stomach it, it's a good movie. It's not as disgusting as some flicks, of course, but, be warned there is one graphic murder (The eating scene. Who here remembers the great Continental Video release of this, where the front cover box features the alien looming over its victim, chewing on a piece of her body, and blood coating the ENTIRE cover? "THEIR HUNGER MAKES US ALL... ALIEN PREY!") and 2 strong sex scenes.

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Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1990–1991)

A series that died way too soon.

2 September 2000

Warning: Spoilers

Maybe, someday, this series can get some more exposure and it will be recognized for so many of the things that it did.

The premise is simple, even if silly: building off the movie of the same name, man versus vegetable once again as Dr. Gangreen tries to take over the world with genetically altered love apples. (I guess hate apples in this case.)

Technically, the series is more closely related to "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes" and the following 2 sequels. (In fact, some of the cartoon's supporting characters weren't even introduced in the movies yet until several years later.) It pulls most of its characters the sequel. The series itself even had a dual life: the first season was a collection of movie, TV, and novel parodies, with very little continuity between them. The second, and superior, season was episodic, telling a correlated story, up to a point. SPOILER

The second season is where the show really shines because the writers had the guts to not only make the show a more cohesive and better series from the first season, but, they actually had evil win! The killer tomatoes took over the world, and, the rest of the season was a battle to restore a stalemate situation when man tried to drive the tomatoes back again.

"Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes" also has a very unique distinction. While it was more evident in the second season, this series was the very first computer generated weekly cartoon series, even before "Reboot." While the results were mostly traditional cel animation in looks, it was computer generated. Sadly, this also killed the show. Despite solidly good ratings, the show had to be cancelled after season 2 due to the expense of such a revolutionary idea for the time.

The last time this series surfaced was in 1998 on Fox Family, so you may have a difficult time finding it. But, if it ever does air, or you can find someone with the tapes, by all means, give this series a try, especially the second season.

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Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

Yeah, it has its problems, but, it also has potential

15 August 2000

First, don't confuse this movie with another zombie flick also called "Night Of The Zombies," about Nazi soldiers. That's "Night Of The Wermacht Zombies," and, IMO, that one IS bad. However, this "Night Of The Zombies" had a lot of potential.

I recommend this film and enjoy it tremendously, but, you must be prepared for several problems that cannot be overlooked. First, a lot is ripped off from "Dawn Of The Dead." The SWAT characters, the Goblin music, even some of the dialogue, verbatim. In several key areas, the lighting is too poor. Way too much wild life and native tribe stock footage is used. And, I believe the major flaw lies in its execution.

For that, we can cover the basic plot and follow. Research scientists are conducting an experiment, which results in flesh eating zombies being unleashed in, we think, New Guinea. Cut to, a SWAT team, apparently on vacation in this same area AND undergoing a new mission; we're never really told for sure until the end, but, at first, it seems they're on holiday. They meet up with a group of people, a married family and what turns out, later, to be a news reporting husband and wife apparently together on vacation. Again, we're never told why, but, it's just in time for them to meet up with the ever increasing horde of zombies.

During their fight to stay alive, we learn that the SWAT team was sent to investigate the aforementioned research center. And, so were the reporters, only, out of the clear blue, we learn they were investing Hope, a research center to create artificial food. (So, why were they with the vacationing family mentioned earlier? We don't know...) But, that was apparently a cover story for the real mission: create zombies out of the third world countries, cause them all to eat each other, thus eliminating the problem of overpopulation for the industrialized countries of the world. (Didn't anyone BOTHER to question about what to do with the resulting ZOMBIE HORDES this would cause?)

See what I mean? The big flaw lies in the sequence of these executed events. The logic makes very little sense, as it's slapped together as it goes along, which is a shame. The idea of this rational reasoning behind the creation of the zombies, but they get out of control, for once, at least, supplies a plausable reason for the dead returning to life to eat the living. The script just needed some retooling to reorder the revelation of events so it flows more smoothly.

Of course, this is an exploitation film, so, what can you expect? On the gore front, most of it is passable effects. (The finger biting scene is terribly made, though!) The eyeballs being pushed out of the skull near the end are the best treat. I found the vast majority to be believable and quite disturbing. There's even a topless native motif, but, only one, and even that one is so blatant that you can't forgive it, even for exploitation.

All in all, this is one of my favorite zombie movies. It delivers the goods, although not necessarily in the best form of packages possible. Worth renting, or buying cheaply.

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Adventures of Superman (1952–1958)

Equally successful combination of action and cheese

21 April 2000

This was a very weird series in execution. One part of its life was serious, generally well executed action. The other part was uproarously funny, probably unintentionally so.

Running a span of both black and white and color, the shade factor of the episode determines what you'll get. Black and white generally guarantees serious action scripts, usually well executed for the time. Good episodes include "The Unknown People," (The Mole People movie.) "The Runaway Robot," and "Panic In The Sky." (Superman looses his memory trying to divert an asteroid heading for Earth.) Color usually means in you're in for something outrageously improbable, almost along the lines of the Adam West "Batman" series nearly 10 years later. Episodes so bad they're good include "Flight To The North," (Chuck Connors thinks he's Superman, and a crook wants a lemon meringue pie.) "Great Ceaser's Ghost," (A crook dresses up as Ceaser's ghost to drive Perry White insane.) and some silly episode with a mind reading burro. (Bank robbers steal a peasant boy's burro because it can read minds. They want it to read a vault combination from a guard, and clop it out for them...)

A decidedly unusual series whose only faults would be the special effects of the time, the on the surface unsettling mix of action and stupidity, and there were no licensed character or recurring villains. But, all in all, in the end, a series definitely worth watching.

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Monster Rancher (1999–2001)

Surprisingly good for a property based cartoon.

14 March 2000

Most property based animated series basically just serve as half hour commercials for toys. "Monster Rancher," while it does serve that purpose, rises above what you'd expect given that. Unlike "Pokemon," which is insipid, and "Digimon," which is derivative of the latter, "Monster Rancher" rests its strengths in strong, character development scripts.

Except for a few stereotypes like "Star Wars" familial elements and the brooding, loner type with attitude, the majority of episodes have, thus far, been fine essays reaching into the minds of characters we would normally not care about. Whereas one would expect a character to be chosen from the video game to use as a plot device, the plot device is instead the motivation for the character, rather than motivation being revealed as an afterthought to spur on the plot.

So far, there's only one season of episodes. But, if there are more, and if the same attention to character detail is maintained, this series should prove to be quite enjoyable, despite a few minor stereotypes.

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