Reviews

'Rumble' - obviously named after the classic Link Wray track - supposedly tells the story of the American Natives in rock, and then shows some artists who never saw themselves as anything but musicians, and possibly Americans. And say what you will - but WHEN did Buffy Sainte-Marie ever rock?

Also the movie left out the first, true rocking Native American Band; Granicus. Although with mainly Italian family names (so what - Hendrix/Hendricks is a Dutch name...), these Cleveland guys rocked when Grand Funk sucked, and their eponymous 1973 album has become a cult classic among heavy rock fans the world over. There were even talks of a reunion in 2016.

This movie is nothing but the poor man's version of what Quentin Tarantino has done for the past 15 years (and I'm not his biggest fan...); Strained, rather than cool, dialogue. Mediocre, standard grainy, cinematography straight from the world of commercials. Idiot rednecks who have stupid discussions about childish topics - and the ever present, odd "intellectual" discussion about trivia children like to discuss. Something we learned to tire of already after the Silver Surfer discussion in 'Crimson Tide' (1995), involving Denzel Washington and Danny Nucci (who?).

Andre Braugher and Billy Bob Thornton have never been worse - and I really like these actors, even when they make standard fodder. But this movie is below that. 'The Baytown Outlaws' is pure grade C, a straight-to-video crapfest for horny adolescents - and so is their acting. It's embarrassing to watch - just as all the fake reviews are here on IMDb from the movie productions' publicity team. Some of them were even written a month prior to its release...avoid! Rent or buy 'Bellflower' (2011) instead and watch an inventive film instead of a Tarantino wannabe crap-o-rama!

Bread and circus was a fun surprise. It reminded me of when I saw Bad taste (1987) for the first time some 15-16 years ago. It doesn't really have all the qualities of Peter Jackson's masterpiece, but it sure has qualities enough to make it worthwhile looking up a copy.

The story is about how to avoid becoming a grey salary-man that fits in perfectly in the system from birth. In the future, everybody who is opposing, ugly, violent or just "strange" will be executed. Our hero runs away from his death squad, gets caught but leaves a message on a rune stone which is read two years later by a couple that immediately continues his struggle for liberty.

Sort of.

In between we get to enjoy an Ilsa-like female officer who rapes a lazy security post (the director, Martin Løke, himself) before she cuts his throat (the very same guy who had a bottle of beer stuck up his anus). We also get to see a man get his head smashed in with a hammer, another one gets his head sliced in two with a machete and so on. The gore'n'guts are all quite well down, very Pythonesque, just like in Peter Jackson's early movies. (6/10)

This movie is in the same vein as Khouris' last, Grace under pressure, where she, literally, said: Stand by your man. Even if he porks your best friend.

Here, she says: forgive Mama everything, her alcoholism, her mistreating of her own family, her lovelessness during Siddalee's childhood. Because of that "dark secret" (pathetic, really), that only lasted a few months.

But we saw it coming, already at the end of Thelma & Louise, didn't we? Girls/women should either put up, shut up - or die!

Disgusting movie.

This pathetic piece of crap is nothing other than Saturday Night Fever in new clothing (and John Travolta sure looked better way back in 1977...). The American Dream (which is a lie, didn't you know...?!?) the way we've seen it so many times before, sometimes better (Rocky), sometimes not.

Eminem is playing himself, which he does OK, but the only actor worth remembering here is Mekhi Phifer, of whom I expect to hear more from in the future.

And as for Curtis Hanson, I sure hope he'll write his own script again, next time around.

Of all the infamous Italian cannibal movies of the seventies and early eighties, this is the most tedious. They all include pointless depicting of animals killing animals - and people killing animals.

Of course, they also include people killing people, but whereas this, of course, is fake, the animal killings are for real. Not that nature's not cruel, but what's the point in including suffering monkeys, iguanas, snakes and turtles in the movies?

Most of the time, these scenes seem staged, and in this movie, it's very clear a monkey was thrown before a hungry boa, and there was probably even a rope tied to it, while throwing! At 23:31 into the uncut DVD, you can see that a very clear and sharp, green branch is added onto the film in the left of the frame afterwards, in order to cover something up.

If it isn't a rope, it's probably the arm of the one throwing the poor monkey to its certain death. The following scene, where the producers show close-ups of the monkey's face, in all its anguish, is almost unbearable, and adds, of course, nothing to the story, except a bitter aftertaste.

The music (by de Angelis & de Angelis) is beautiful, and watching the then 41-year-old Ursula Andress in the nude, all tied up, are this movie's highlights.

Pathetic story, lousy script, awful acting on all parts, and even worse directing. One of the worst big-budget movies ever!!!

Lars Trier and his fake "dogma" theory (which he admittedly breaks when needed) is one of the biggest phoneys in modern-day cinema. Avoid at all costs!

This is so sexist, violent, stupid "girl power", it makes you frown. Close-ups of the girls' titties and asses - what's the point?

Well, I know what the point is, and I heard the teenage guys in the local cinema moaning and groaning. But there's gotta be more to life than Cameron Diaz' ass and Drew Barrymore's tits...or?!?

This tear-teaser, written by Steve Martin himself, is so unbelievably bad, it makes you sick to your stomach!

The plot is pathetic, the acting awful, and the dialogue is even more predictable than the ending.

Avoid at all costs!

This is nothing but "Braveheart 2", they just changed clothes. I bet this'll get a dozen Oscars or so.

Loved the flag-waving scenes and the pathetic portrayal of blacks and Brits (where were the native Americans?).

A stupid movie, but OK for some braindead Sunday afternoon entertainment. A 5/10.

This movie shines, it's brilliant, it's...beautiful!