Change Your Image
johnspringer-95440
Reviews
Black Christmas (2019)
A Misunderstood Masterpiece
On the surface this might seem like a very dumb movie for extremely dumb people. If one was to make a no-budget student film mocking the hypocrisy of modern academic feminism it would look exactly like this. Heck, if one was to give a sub-70-IQ flunkee twenty minutes to scrawl a script on a sanitary napkin it would look exactly like this. And therein lies this movie's subversive genius. There is simply no way anyone could have been serious about this movie's ostensible messaging and delivered a product this inept. The only logical explanation is that the filmmakers were trolling gutless professional critics to see just how much dirty brown water trash they would swallow in the name of pandering. (We're looking at you, David Fear of Rolling Stone, who gave this 4/5 stars and clearly hates his five remaining readers.) In eighty years this will be regarded as an artistic litmus test of critical corruption. But for now it's an incompetent slog of an atrocious movie.
Red Rose (2022)
An Anachronistic Oddity
English highschoolers are menaced by a malevolent cell phone app in this horror series. Despite some plot holes and overblown depictions of teen angst it does a decent job of maintaining intrigue and menace through the first half of the season. The premise is anachronistic. Although phone apps are relatively more recent, the premise feels like a throwback to the 1990s when computer technology and those adept at manipulating it were regarded with both awe and suspicion. As the series progresses deeper into the technological weeds and various malefactors are exposed it becomes more outlandish and less compelling.
Hellboy (2019)
A Waste of a Perfectly Good David Harbour
This dreary attempt at a franchise reboot leans heavily into the darker elements of the IP and the recaptures some of the visual and body horror of the Ron Pearlman/Del Toro duology. But Del Toro balanced that horror with quirky wit, which this version is sorely lacking. What little humor it attempts mostly falls flat. David Harbour has a flair for deadpan comedy but you wouldn't know it from watching this. In fact his title character spends most of the movie acting petulant and yelling recriminations at people. The story is perfectly serviceable but it's not novel, surprising or remarkable in any way.
Dead Boy Detectives (2024)
Another YA Supernatural Misfire
It has paper-thin characters, rushed character development, repetitive expositional dialogue, inconsistent world-building, and lame supernatural dangers. The "cases" the titular characters take on are simplistic and easily-resolved. It seems like the series is for a young teenage audience but it also has elements that are inappropriate for that demographic like repeated f-bombs and a simulated orgy scene. The performers are apparently trying to be whimsical and kinetic most of the time. None of them have the chops to pull it off and they just come across as cloying, obnoxious and goofy. Their general hyperactive quippiness also undercuts the show's few attempts at genuine pathos.
Dirty Harry (1971)
Now More Than Ever
On the mean streets of San Francisco no-nonsense cop Harry Callahan dispenses his particular brand of justice out of the smoking barrel of his S&W revolver. With a psycho named the Zodiac ... er, the Scorpio Killer on the loose Harry's reluctant superiors give him the dirty job of ending the maniac's reign of terror. But then they undermine his efforts with pedantic blathering about due process and the impropriety of extrajudicial torture. What a bunch of wimps!
This movie is a lot of things. It's a showcase for star Clint Eastwood, who proved his laconic hardcase persona could be bankable beyond of the dying western genre. It's a fictional revenge fantasy against the real-life Zodiac Killer, whose depredations were recent history in the Bay Area. It's an unapologetic .44 magnum in the face of the criminal-coddling hippy dippy late 1960s. (See also 2024.) Mostly, though, it's a highly entertaining crime thriller/procedural with great performances, well-realized characters and a compelling story.
Hellraiser (1987)
Horrifying Horror
It's 1980s low-budget horror, with everything that implies: stilted acting, low-tech practical effects and dated cinematography. Some of the practical effects are admittedly quite well done; but what really makes this a classic that still holds up today is the sense of grimy, bumptious nastiness that pervades it. The premise and the underlying implications of frustration, boredom, lust, betrayal, obsession and family dysfunction are more relatable and disconcerting than the standard "antagonist chopping up dumb teenagers" scary movie fare. It's one of the few movies of any era to bear the moniker "horror" that is actually horrifying in its concept and execution.
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Al Gore's Independence Day
Like Independence Day it's big, dumb, ridiculous and hammy. Like an Al Gore climate documentary it's boring, sanctimonious and cloying. For a big disaster movie the effects are pretty tame, the scale is surprisingly small and the tension is non-existent.
An exciting way for the intrepid band of heroes to defy the odds and save the day from a killer storm outbreak would be: (a) set off a controlled nuclear explosion in the eye of the storm; (b) arm the population of Texas with Princess Vespa-sized hairdryers and aim them at the clouds; or (c) lecture federal officials about how they should've done something earlier, then do glorified FA until the storm ends on its own. If you answered (c) your name is Roland Emmerich and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Repo Man (1984)
A Quirky Litmus Test of Viewer Tastes
Part of this movie is a sardonic and darkly funny satire of social alienation, consumerism, unskilled employment and urban blight in the 1980s. Emilio Estevez and Richard Dean Stanton nail their respective roles; there's something particularly honest in the depiction of a young person who insouciantly takes a lousy job but develops a sense of obligation to an older mentor who defines himself by that same job. Part of this movie is an absurdist farce featuring government conspiracies and time-traveling aliens. The characters and their motivations are wildly inconsistent; depending on your point of view this either keeps things unpredictable or simply makes no sense. In fact whether you find the whole production hilariously quirky or frustratingly inane will largely be a matter of personal taste. I tend more towards the former but acknowledge that the movie's novel and funny elements don't fully make up for its flaws.
The Synanon Fix (2024)
Interesting But Overlong And Self-Indulgent
A novel drug rehabilitation program devolves from a well-intentioned social experiment into a dangerous cult in this four-part documentary. The group's charismatic leader was able to exert increasing control until the cult members abdicated independent thought and free will. It's nothing that many other cult documentaries haven't already covered but it's disturbing nonetheless. Unfortunately the documentary's pace is plodding, the subject-matter is often repetitive, the series hammers every point ad nauseum and it takes a very long time to get anywhere. Pared down to 2 hours or so this could've been harrowing; but at a tedious and self-indulgent 4+ hours it loses a lot of its potential impact.
Rebel Moon - Part Two: The Scargiver (2024)
Not That Bad
Any criticism you want to level at this movie is probably justified. The characters are one-dimensional and underdeveloped. The plot is basic and predictable. The dialogue is trite and expository. That said, this movie is neither incompetent nor devoid of Snyder's signature visual style; especially the last 65 minutes or so. It's one giant multi-stage battle and it's pretty well done.
The movie is an enjoyable enough way to turn your brain off for a couple hours. It certainly isn't particularly memorable or novel, but it's also not the useless absolute trainwreck that smug professional critics suggest.
Wrath of Man (2021)
Surprisingly straightforward crime thriller
This movie is a tonal and structural departure for Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham. Ritchie dispenses with his typical quippy characters, flashy camerawork and comedic violence to tell a dark, relatively grounded and "serious" crime story. Statham starts out playing to type as a one-man-army hardcase with an unshakeable moral code; but his character becomes more sinister as the movie progresses. The ostensible antagonists are also developed instead of just being disposable henchmen for Statham to tear through.
Some pretty significant plot contrivances aside this an enjoyably violent, gritty revenge thriller that's reminiscent of - but not quite as dour as - the cynical crime movies of the 1970s.
The Antisocial Network (2024)
Harrowing
The internet's influence on culture, politics and media is ubiquitous. But who influences the internet? This documentary answers that question - or starts to - by focusing on the rise of 4chan, the anonymous imageboard website that served as a surrogate online community for grassroots activists and agitators on both the left and right. This documentary exposes (perhaps unintentionally) the harrowing fact that the 4chan community was full of the most wretched, hateful and inadequate people you're ever likely to encounter. If you met any of this documentary's interviewees in person you would dismiss them as pathetic crackpots or worse and you would promptly ignore them. But ensconced in the anonymity of a signal-boosting online echo chamber they were able to exercise a grossly outsized influence on the 2010s. The internet (supposedly a means of democratizing discourse by giving a globe-spanning voice to virtually anyone) has actually given the loudest and most prominent voices to cabals of unaccountable weirdos who spend all their time on the internet.
Wolves (2014)
Lackluster
I'm a sucker for a good werewolf movie and this ain't one. It's a shame, too, since Jason Mamoa's hulking, swaggering, feral wolfman is a cool villain and he makes the most of his limited screen time. It would be nice to seem him play a biker werewolf antagonist in a better film. Alas this movie is a tepid amalgamation of Twilight and Pale Rider. Effects are lackluster, scares are non-existent, there's no humor or visual wit and the werewolves look like the actors are wearing makeup kits they bought at Party City. The plot, such as it is, doesn't make at ton of sense; it's not difficult to follow but it also doesn't stand up to logical scrutiny. Take a pass unless you're an obscure werewolf movie completist or a Mamoa fanatic.
The Bricklayer (2023)
Aaron Eckhart: Fire Your Agent
From the early highs of Erin Brockovitz, Thank You For Smoking and The Dark Night it seemed like Aaron Eckhart's career nosedived with the likes of I, Frankenstein and Battle Los Angeles. But this might well be rock bottom. I don't think Eckhart's a great actor, necessarily, but he's certainly better than this. Indeed Eckhart's middling performance is the only saving grace in this tepid, low budget, paint-by-numbers spy thriller. Directed by Renny "Bankrupted Carolco Pictures" Harlan and co-starring Nina "Plank of Wood" Dobrev, the script and dialogue are as formulaic as it gets, the action is bland and uninspired and the putative twists are laughably predictable.
The Beekeeper (2024)
Silly Fun
Jason Statham plays the stock Jason Statham hardcase in this pretty good revenge-fantasy actioner. As usual it's a single absolute badarse against an army of disposable henchmen and sleazy elitist malefactors. I don't know how old Statham is but he's gotta be getting up there; he still has the chops to sell the fight scenes. If there's a major flaw to the movie it's a lack of dramatic tension. From the outset all the other characters say Statham's the ultimate unstoppable one-man wrecking crew who can tear through any security on the planet with ease. Then he does. But in the scheme of things this is a minor quibble. The movie's not trying to be deep or thought-provoking. Instead it does what it sets out to do very well. Turn your brain off and have fun with it.
John Dies at the End (2012)
Weird, Not In A Good Way
It's an absurdist sci-fi horror action comedy that skimps on the sci-fi, horror, action and comedy. One gets the sense that this was made specifically for post-ironic stoners, but even within the confines of those limited expectations this movie doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The pace and plot are all over the place. The set-up and frame story build up mysteries that never get addressed and the nature of the existential threat facing the characters is never adequately explored. The tone veers uneasily between earnest surrealism and farce. Are the protagonists just junkies on an extended bender, interdimensional explorers, psychics, exorcists or something else? The short answer is: who cares? The movie isn't engaging enough to make any of its concepts resonate or to warrant deeper analysis.
Blue Beetle (2023)
Boring and Worthless
Jaime somehow gets his hands on a knockoff Ironman suit. His family just wants to keep a low profile on account of being insulting undocumented stereotypes. But Jaime wants to use his newfound powers to fight wrongdoers or save his would-be girlfriend or something. Will he succeed with the reluctant help of his family, or will his efforts be thwarted by evil villain Karen T. Onepercenter?
Uhhh ... who cares? When it's not pandering so hard it'll give you whiplash, this exercise in lowest-common-denominator banality is about as formulaic as it gets. There's no stakes, tension, logic, humor, or narrative cohesion. It's just low-effort CGI sludge. What a waste.
Brandy Hellville & the Cult of Fast Fashion (2024)
Phony Outrageville & The Cult of Sanctimonious Documentarians
Here's a not-fun drinking game: take a shot every time an interviewee in this documentary misuses the word "like." You will, like, literally die of alcohol poisoning within, like, the first seven minutes.
This is an attempted fashion documentary hitpiece like the recent one about Abercrombie&Fitch; but the approach is so scattershot that it's difficult to discern whether the filmmakers are denigrating the particular brand, the entire fashion industry, consumerism in general or demographically-targeted marketing.
Most of the people featured are vapid dingbats. There's also a wanna-be journalist trying to resurrect her nothingburger takedown of a minor retailer. It's difficult to accept anything this production alleges when it keeps trotting out sub-80-IQ goofballs to make its points.
Night Swim (2024)
Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Theater ...
... there's Night Swim, a flaccid exercise in mainstream horror banality. The idea of an evil swimming pool sounds really dumb but the movie actually provides some reasonable context for the concept. Unfortunately it makes poor use of that concept: it's mostly derivative and predictable. The "scares" are tepid and clumsy. None of the characters have much personality. The familial issues the movie hints at don't get enough development to create any stakes or tension and there's no triumph or redemption in their apparent resolution. The movie is at least technically competent and generally well-acted; but the overall experience of watching it is flat and underwhelming.
P. S. Dumping tons of dirt to cover a natural spring is a really great way to create a massive sinkhole that will devour your house. Maybe that's the sequel.
Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021)
Good Fun
All the criticisms are true: this a soft reboot of the Ghostbusters franchise centered around as group of cloying teens that largely coasts on callbacks and nostalgia for the original. It lacks the original's understated wit, tight dialogue and supernatural stakes. But if you temper your expectations there's good fun to be had with this movie, particularly in the breezy affability of the adult cast and a sense of genuine respect for the first installment. It's a slight but probably necessary palate-cleanser to reset the franchise after the loud, dumb, bombastic distasteful disaster-piece that was 2016's Answer The Call.
Rome (2005)
Quite Good
As a family and political drama it's engaging and entertaining, with sharp dialogue and well-realized characters. As historical fiction it's a mixed bag. Clearly a great deal of time, thought and expense went into the sets and costumes to depict ancient Roman society as authentically as possible. (Although it's difficult to imagine the Romans were quite as insouciant about physical intimacy as this series depicts.) It's just too bad the same care and attention didn't go into recreating the political and military situation of the late Republic, one of the most fascinating chapters in history, which is often oversimplified or altered to serve a linear narrative. It's also pretty obvious that the show was cancelled halfway through the second season and the writers rushed through the events of 44-30 BC to wrap everything up in a truncated runtime.
The Green Knight (2021)
An Artsy Mixed Bag
It's very reminiscent of The Northman: an artsy attempt to render a familiar story that originated in the Middle Ages in a way that might have been visualized by people in the Middle Ages. And like The Northman it's a mixed bag. The setting and cinematography are compelling and there's a sense (whether genuinely historical or not) of fictional period realism. But the linguistic wit and imaginative implications of the original poem don't translate particularly well across media and the movie's literal rendering of certain of the poem's plot elements is slow and banal. Conversely the movie attempts to invert major aspects of the poem but in a similarly slow and banal fashion. Finally the movie completely omits elements of the poem necessary to contextualize the last act. For those not already familiar with the poem a lot of the second half of this movie probably won't make much sense.
Also, incongruously, for all its pretensions to historicity this movie engages in egregious modern stunt-casting: Dev Patel (playing Gawain) is not Welsh at all. He's actually an Englishman born in London. For shame!
Spenser Confidential (2020)
Average In Every Way
It's tone and subject matter are too serious to qualify as comedy. It's also too silly, low-stakes and predictable to be an action thriller or a mystery. Spenser Confidential is affable but bland, the sort of unremarkable streaming content that works best as background noise while you're focused on something else. The best thing that can be said about this movie is that there's nothing overtly bad about it. The script, direction and editing are at least competent, the story is middling, the limited action is passable, and the characters are okay. I expected better considering the quality of the cast. They do fine with the material, the material just isn't very compelling.
The Flash (2023)
Michael Keaton Saves This From Being A Complete Disaster
The Flash is a mutiverse, time-traveling, bloated, bad CGI, quippy-humor, overlong, nostalgia-baiting, written-by-committee monstrosity that embodies all the worst excesses of the rapidly-deflating Hollywood superhero genre. The title character is an effete, annoying weirdo who spends most of the movie being the voice of reason to a more effete, more annoying version of himself. A few serviceable cameos aside the only real bright spot is Michael Keaton's return as Batman. It's by far the biggest bit of nostalgia-bait but it actually works. The movie's best elements are when it's cribbing sets, dialogue and score from Keaton's 1989 classic and letting him run with his quirky but engaging take on the character. Whatever you think of Keaton's version of Batman he didn't play the lead in superhero movie as a hyperactive 30-year-old virgin. The contrast with Ezra Miller's Flash will make you yearn for better days. Alas Keaton isn't utilized enough to fully salvage what is otherwise a vapid trainwreck of a movie.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)
A Sequel To Aquaman
I don't understand how the first Aquaman made a bazillion dollars but it did, so a sequel was inevitable. And the sequel was more of the same. If you liked the first one you'll like this. It's big, bombastic, colorful and ridiculous. The script-by-committee CGI silliness of the production is salvaged to some degree by the natural charisma of Jason Mamoa. His banter with estranged half-brother Patrick Wilson is the movie's highlight. In that regard Wilson sometimes comes across as a brilliant actor saddled with an impossible assignment and at other times like a hack going through the motions; since he's acknowledged as the former this seems to be an issue of direction and/or editing. Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Nicole Kidman, and Dolph Lundgren all show up to do their diligence without much flair. Amber Heard is also in this movie.