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Uncharted (2022)
90 Seconds of idiocy
That's all it took. 90 seconds of idiotic dialogue that didn't resonate with a scene depicting human beings bouncing around on cargo nets in mid air while trying to kill eachother.
Forget how fast aerofoils are required to move through the air for vacuum lift to take effect because the clown who directed the movie ensured Holland had super sexy gel in his hair, unruffled by 500kph winds.
I've spent more time writing this review than I spent watching the movie so I guess that means I react too hard, but whatever.
90 seconds of whatever, whatever.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Huh?
It started well, but way too many "dafork is this"? Moments, Those moments piled up on top of eachother like a dafork zombie orgy. Sheesh.
The script should've invested some time in what the boss zombie was and its agenda, but no.
The opening scene alluded to aliens as a possible underlying plot device, but instead of boring us with that tired old trope, we got nothing. Pure genuis.
The best part was the end bit where the nuclear bomb figured out how to unlock the safe. DAFORK?
Heatstroke (2013)
An Affront to the Science of Acting
Wow.
The producers should be sued for illegal logging, as this movie contained the largest display of wooden acting I've ever seen.
Never mind the predictable outcome regarding step-kid hates step-mum, clichéd baddies and plod along plot, this cringe worthy excuse for a movie had my toes curled with embarrassment as planes fly overhead just as people jump into bushes - yet they somehow cannot be seen. Multiple times.
Peter Stormare, who generally plays a terrific baddie in my opinion (Berlin in The Blacklist comes to mind), was director bashed into appearing as a high-school stage actor during the campsite scene when he stands between his partners in crime berating them with a little bit of finger waggle action.
The script was bad, the direction was appalling, acting was nonexistent, even the scenic camera-work I can get on Youtube for free..
The only reason I watched this movie in full was due to sadomasochistic fascination at how bad it was.