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A Russian Fairytale (2013)
I saw A Russian Fairytale at the Mosaic World Film Festival at the weekend, which went on to win best documentary. It was completely gripping from the opening scene with the boy in the psychiatric hospital and leaves you hooked throughout. I was blown away by the end, as I think most of the audience were.
The film is undeniably sad, mainly because you like the characters very much, - gritty, urban, totally unconventional teenagers, living their own life way off the grid of 'normal' society. The way they talk about stealing, begging is so frank, it's sometimes just funny.
By the end of the film you realise all is not how it seems. Those you loved, you mistrust, those you thought were weak, are strong. You realise that this family they set up for themselves on the street is just as bad as the real families they ran away from as children... until the one who is holding it all together escapes and it all falls apart.
Stunning film... photography, visuals, storytelling. 9/10.
The. Absolute. Worst. Movie. Ever.
OK. the back story behind me seeing this film... I lost a bet.
This film was basically used as a form of torture on me, clockwork orange style.. and it worked. I have never witnessed something this awful before in my life. The worst part is, I'd seen it before, under a different name 'Eldorado'... The only saving grace was that they had chopped out an hour of the film before changing the title to Highway to Hell...
However, even after it had 60 minutes chopped, it still felt like 3 hours or more. People who know me and read my reviews realise that I am used to watching the occasional bad film, to try and save everyone else the heartache, but I think this is my last. I really can't take it anymore. I can only compare it to watching roadkill slowly decompose for 3 days.
the reason it gets it's one star is not because you can't give a film 0 stars (which you can't), it's because it does make you realise how precise your time on Earth is, and you're likely to make the most of the rest of your afternoon whilst you frantically try and catch up lost time you'll never ever see again.
Life Just Is (2012)
a long student film
WOW. This one is up their in my league of the awful ones.. Obviously it has no budget, so I'm not going to criticise the actors or the props.. I'm just going to criticise the fact that this made it to IMDb... I'm flabbergasted. This is basically a REALLY long drawn out STUDENT FILM. If any of you aren't familiar with the 'student film', it's basically a very boring, simple look on life (always life), relationships (always relationships) and a tiny tiny tiny pinch of conflict (not too much to put pressure on the actors!).. Here are the exact ingredients:
1 annoying looking pretty boy
1 bland looking female 1 gay person (male or female)
1 house (student house will do)
1 camera, a cheap light and shopping trolley to push the camera on.
1 awful scriptwritten on the back of a cereal packet.
Mix together with £50 budget to cover pizzas, 2 days to cover all the scenes and move the lighting around, 2 days to put it on a computer and muddle the scenes around with some free music and an old PC to burn it to disc...
That's it.. student film done. If you're still in any doubt, find this film.
Chop Kick Panda (2011)
Darrell Van Citters is a genius
This film is just awesome and so original! I was shocked nobody had come up with the idea of a 'Kung Fu Panda' before.. the ONLY thing that brought the stars from 10/10 down to 1/10 was the monkey.. he didn't say a word throughout the entire film.. What a let down! I love monkeys and hearing them talk in cartoons usually brings tears of joy to my eyes.
Saying that, everything else was perfect. A panda doing kung fu.. it's the kind of thing Pixar should be doing! It's obviously made on a tramp's shoestring, so to have made a 40 minute film that only sent me to sleep twice, it's just fantastic. Two thumbs up!! - but again, was disappointed about the mute monkey.
Casa de mi Padre (2012)
Very funny in parts! But lacks fizz
Saw this about 10 months back. It's actually not as bad as you would think. The horse scenes are surprisingly realistic, even though Will - who is excellent at riding horses and speaking Spanish didn't actually ride a real one. I think it's probably studio stuff.
It does lack some kind of fizzy spice I like to see in comedies, I think the script may have been a bit hastily written but it's often like that with old Will. You take the biscuit as it comes, crumbs an all.
Overall if you like a cheap giggle and belly aches (from the popcorn) and want to practice your Espanol - get on your horse and ride down to the local picture house for some yeeeeehaaaa ha ha ha's... (no pun intended).
The 7th Hunt (2009)
The 2nd most awful film ever made
You can read my reviews to find the MOST awful. This film was actually watchable in comparison, as long as you're heavily tranquilized.
Firstly I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to the reviewer 'collegefilmreview' (nice try). So this was your first review right? It appears that even though you had time to watch this film twice, you have never had time to write another review.
You must remember Collegefilmreview, that most people do have more than 6 braincells and can see through the audacity of a production member writing a review praising a film of this measly caliber so highly.
In fact it's obvious which person wrote it - the HACKER (Darren Hawkins) - I mean come on.. college chicks begging for a Hawkins fan club? it's just ridiculous...
Anyway, back to the film... AWFUL. no plot, bad acting, bad dubbing, bad sound, bad lighting and camera work. It's not even Funny-Awful as people like in these kind of films.. it's Tiring-Awful, which is the worst kind of Awful. If you like Tiring-Awful then this is the film for you.
An eyeopening fly on the wall documentary about what's going on around Europe at night
I rented this film online without expecting anything. I was surprised that IMDb had no information, reviews or comments regarding this film. The trailer (clip of the film) didn't give away much but I decided to go ahead anyway after reading about the director's previous film. I'm not even sure what the title means, but I think it might have something to do with nightlife, as the whole film is shot at night.
It's showing a glimpse into all walks of life working at night in Europe without any voice over or titles explaining what you're watching. It's like you're spying on the scene and the director gives you a lot of space - still camera shots, wide angle etc to comfortably observe without distracting you or forcing his own opinion on you. This is the truest form of observational documentary.
You find yourself daydreaming whilst watching parts, such as a shot of a hospital room with an incubator which then cuts to a conference room inside the UN where politicians are arguing about what language they can communicate in before discussing EU military operations in the Middle East. It's quite fascinating as you rarely get to sit and watch this kind of thing as if a fly on the wall.
The film continues to intrigue as it moves on into other nighttime activities, - following waitresses around the Oktoberfest (presumably in Munich), paramedics picking up an injured person and taking them to hospital, CCTV security operators in London watching a huge wall of monitors, the news teams in the UK, the mail sorting office, the police doing shooting practice on a blue-screen target, a helpline in the Netherlands, a pornstar doing a webcam show in Prague, a crematoriumin Germany, police evacuating hundreds of protesters stopping a train carrying what could be nuclear material, an immigration officer talking to someone who just got denied entrance and has to go back, security guards patrolling a huge boarder fence in Spain and finally a fantastic steadicam shot through a huge rave...
You're never told where these places are or given any information other than what you see through the lens so you have to make your own judgements about what's going on and where it might be. This sounds frustrating but it makes the film much more interesting.
The location access is impressive and the quality of shots/sound is very good. Although I think this will be mainly appealing to people into documentary/social films, I think it's well worth picking up and leaves you feeling a kind of mix of appreciation and unease of what goes on around Europe whilst you're probably sleeping!
The Legend of Harrow Woods (2008)
What on EARTH is this?
This is a film that should spark change. Real change in the world of film! It's one of those rare productions that cause a ripple and everyone get's together and says, YES we need change! - and that change is that we need to be able to give a film 0/10!!
You're probably wondering why I let my eyeballs suffer such awful torment for the duration but I am slightly masochistic and I wouldn't want to review a title unless it had been seen in it's (almost) entirety.
I'm not sure where to begin, but I would like to keep my review brief because I've already wasted enough time on this film. Firstly I watched the 3D version.. 3D??? it was barely 1D and the ridiculous glasses just made things look red, which gave me a headache. I must have fallen unconscious for the next hour because I don't remember anything.
The premise of the film is that a club of friends get together to try and work out strange goings on, (they're going for a cross between Scoobie Do and Most Haunted). One of the girls has a birthday and so they all argue a bit and decide to go to a spooky wood called Harrow. According to the computer hacker character, wikipedia states that a witch perished there and made the place haunted.
Then when we get there we find out that it's got a wooden hut and inside is very similar to the haunted hotel in the Shining, complete with blood tidal wave (made with lots of buckets of ketchup). The story doesn't really go anywhere at this point and instead the director starts acting and talking to Ric Mayal in tongues, which is kind of hard to understand because it's quite muffly.
Then it cuts back to the friends who are dead/dying because of the witch's curse. That's it. The End. 0/10
Storm War (2011)
Missed one vital asset...
BOOBS! That's the way bad movies are supposed to work.. We watch their implausible snooze fests and all the adverts in-between in return for some boobs.. This deal has been on since movies began. So how did we get short changed with Weather Wars?..
I sat through this entire thing with my finger on the pause button ready for that special shot and nothing came! I felt ripped off and humiliated, sat in my underpants on a cold January evening. Was anyone else feeling burnt?
At least if the film was decent I would have let it pass, but it wasn't. It had all the ingredients for a boob shot.. bad acting, cute chick, explosions and a horny scientist. So what gives? The closest thing was when the scientist got out his iPhone and I thought he was going to go on some porn sites but instead he started controlling the weather. zzZ. I'm not happy.
Christmas Is Here Again (2007)
I could have done better using MS Paint
Now people who follow my comments on IMDb will know that I can be quite harsh and very honest, but without people like me, thousands of hours of time on this planet would be wasted staring vacantly at the television screen.
I sat through this film in tears. Not because I was moved by the story or had my heart strings pulled by the music.. because 1 million dollars were scribbled on, burnt and ripped to shreds to make this animated car crash.
What was the million dollars spent on? WHO KNOWS! It's completely mysterious at first where the budget went.. The music was awful - it sounded like it was the demo song from a budget synthesizer. Even my cat was terrified by the quality of the music.
The worst part is the narration, by the grey haired guy who plagues our airways at night.. jay Leno. It was just the icing on the cake. The film was dreadful and I hope it will never find it's way back onto my TV in the next 100 years.
The only good thing was when it finished.
Uncle David (2010)
It's my pet hate on IMDb when I see the film makers reviewing their own title, and badly too. There is not one soul on the planet earth who would call this film biblical or dare to suggest that Hitchcock himself would be a fan. Only a desperate director anxiously trying to fool people into renting or buying his film would write such garbage.
I sat through the majority of this title so I could fairly comment on it. I have to say that my eyes are heavy, I feel drained and many many precious minutes of my life have disappeared without anything in return. It's an awful plot that Hitchcock would have gasped at. I think he would feel let down by the fact that modern technology has opened the steel gates into the highly respected filmmaking world and been flooded by fools looking for a quick buck.
Keep IMDb for real films and real filmmakers. Fair enough if this is your first film, but at least wait until your skills have improved before you fool people into wasting their limited time trying to understand dribble.
Good luck on new projects. Come back when it really is biblical.
Well balanced, informative and entertaining
I've watched a few protest orientated docs recently, my favourite is Taking Liberties and I've been looking for one as good as that. Just Do It is almost as good. The music is great, the narration is informative and the added graphics make it fun to watch. That's exactly what you need in a doc like this... I really hope it inspires people like it did with me to make a difference.
It looks like a laugh tying yourself up to the entrance of banks and super-gluing yourself to lamp posts but it's actually really important too. The reaction of the police makes me laugh.. they're such a joke. I loved it when one guy was being arrested and all his friends came and helped him escape! I think what stuck with me was one of the characters, Marina I think, saying how the damage caused to the coal power station fence by the protesters was a billionth of a fraction of the damage caused to the planet by the coal power plant itself... and it's the protesters being hounded by the police! It's shocking and sad. I'm grateful to everyone drawing attention to it and I'll look into doing my bit.
Overall it's a great doc, well worth watching!
A concoction of pure trash
Apparently this steaming mound of horse manure was hastily compiled together from some improvised scenes a few people put together whilst working on another rubbish film about Nazis.
So imagine the half decent film set unused for the afternoon... the director thinks it's a good idea to make use of it (all the money he's already spent), and make a quick film on the side. He grabs a few of the actors (extras), including the poor girl shamefully cast as 'Blubberella' and so it begins.
I can imagine Uwe Boll, the 'director' must of hastily scribbled down his 'script' on the back of some rolling papers. It's quite obvious that he tries to squeeze in everything that will make the uneducated film fans amongst us fall for - vampires, Nazis, zombies, sword fights, explosions etc.. without giving any thought as to how they remain relevant to the story.
So I imagine he put all these ideas in a bucket, used the bucket as a toilet and then tried to stitch the elements loosely together to make the snooze inducing script.
And so Blubberella ("Half human, half vampire, Mostly dough") is born like a giant fart.. and unfortunately for this already sick planet it shall remain lingering around poisoning the eyes of viewers for years thanks to DVD and Blu-ray and the internet.
It's much harder to erase a film from history than it is to make it but I may just spend my life trying to destroy every copy of Blubberella. One day you'll thank me.
In a nutshell, this movie stinks.
Jordon Saffron: Taste This! (2009)
This film is completely unwatchable rubbish.
Imagine someone with too much money and too much time (but not spending much of their time or money), making a film with friends on a wobbly camera. Nobody has any idea what's going on or what to say.. the acting is wooden at best.
Who told Sergio Myers that he was funny and clever enough to make a film and star in it? With amateurs like this it's a recipe for disaster when the director is also in front of the camera. Who is telling him that his acting stinks? Everyone was probably too bored to care.
The worst part is knowing I will never get back the 88 minutes I spent half comatose watching this nonsense. I only hope nobody else wastes a chunk of their precious life on this too. 0/10.
The Great White Silence (1924)
It's very cold outside...
This film is a true inspiration. The level of patience and care that has gone into capturing these stunning images in the frozen wastes of the Antarctic, way back in the early days of cinematography - 1912, is amazing.
It's beautifully shot and edited, (recently cleaned up for the BFI), with a suitable score which gives the film a playful tone- especially as Ponting spends time following the penguins, which was comical.
Towards the end the film becomes much more emotional and by this point you truly realise the scale of the expedition, the sacrifices made and how brave Captain Scott, the explorers and Ponting with his camera were to undertake such a daring journey.
Long and tiring
Unless you're a die hard boxing fan who must watch any film that includes a boxing glove and a ring, then you can certainly afford to miss this. I was drawn to this film by a Welsh friend who told me that he'd heard it was supposed to be better than Raging Bull - my all time favorite film... I looked on IMDb and apparently this had a 3 million pound budget... after watching it I was left feeling hugely disappointed.
What did they spend £3m on? Shane Richie? The budget sounds made up. The poster with the review from 'New Jersey Film Festival' about it being better than Raging Bull sounds made up.. the cover art of a boxer stood in front of a packed stadium is made up, even 4 of the 5 reviews of this film sounds made up by someone who worked on this film. So much praise for this film is hugely suspicious.
If I hadn't just seen it, I'd think the film was made up.
If I was the director I would not focus on trying to make out that this is the greatest boxing film ever - see it's flaws, learn from it and make something better next time- please.