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Reviews
Terrifier 2 (2022)
A waste of time. Don't bother.
Almost two and a half hours of just mindless death and absurd over the top gore. That's it. No real story line. No plot. No likeable characters. Just like the original Terrifier, this is just one sadistic and brutal kill scene after another. No real scares. Just shock, splatter, and vicious kill scenes for over two hours. Nothing to see here unless you're sadistic and into this type of "entertainment". Otherwise, skip it and watch a good horror film. The third act of the story literally makes zero sense and the after credits scene is just as confusing. Just overrated splatter trash that's not worth watching.
Leatherface (2017)
If you're a fan of these characters, stay away. Far away.
Leatherface (2017) Review. Will contain spoilers so read at your discretion. I really don't know where to start with this movie. I honest to God really tried to give it a chance. I tried to give Leatherface the benefit of the doubt. Sadly I was disappointed due to a number of factors. I'll start with what I liked because there isn't that much to cover. I enjoyed how they recreated the farmhouse. I think it's cool anytime we get to revisit the Sawyer farm. I'm happy that they were able to tie elements of 3D into this movie with the inclusion of Verna Sawyer Carson, her lawyer Farnsworth, and Leatherface keeping the name Jedidiah. It was neat to see the original Sawyer Clan again and I thought we'd see more of them. That being said, the few positive factors did not save this movie for me. Leatherface turned out to be the skinny kid that was talking as a teenager. I could possibly see Leatherface being skinny in his teenage years but he absolutely does not talk. Maybe he talked a little as a child but at the age he was at during the majority of the movie he shouldn't have been able to talk. Leatherface is not a cliché buff slasher, he is a large heavy set guy. If you want to make Leatherface skinny that's one thing but don't put him right next to someone with the exact same looks, and mannerisms that Leatherface should have. It's not a neat twist, it's a "fuck you" to the fans. Possibly the worst thing they did is say he wears the mask due to a facial disfigurement. Saying that a killer wears a mask because of a disfigurement is the laziest backstory ever! I have given credit where credit is due. It was neat seeing Leatherface come out of the basement with his chainsaw brutally killing Hartman. The classic chase through the woods with the chainsaw was lazy and played out and was not satisfying at all. Despite the cool nods to the original I don't think it's worth the watch. It is absolutely the worst film in the franchise (I don't count the remakes) This movie was unnecessary and absolutely lacking in character development. It's a desperate attempt to make a profit doing what they want with only some nods to the original to keep it somewhat afloat. I'm very disappointed because I don't see the franchise bouncing back from this atrocity unless they do a sequel to 3D. I wanted to enjoy any Leatherface movie but I just couldn't enjoy this one. 3 out of 10. Not worth the watch. Spare yourselves the disappointment.
Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)
One of the absolute worst sequels EVER!!!
This is the greatest example I can think of to prove the theory that when Hollywood runs out of good ideas, they make an awful sequel and ruin the first one. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the first Beastmaster; I even liked the third one pretty good, but this movie is atrocious. I am a huge fantasy/sword & sorcery movie fan and I hated to see such a terrible sequel made to such a classic as the first Beastmaster. So why do I hate this movie so much? Well, where do I begin? First of all, the whole idea of the movie is ridiculous. Dar and his evil older brother Arklon(who was nowhere mentioned in the first movie..Huh?) cross over into our world via a handy dimensional time-portal gate. Ya see, Earth just happens to be on the same parallel interdimentional plane as Dar's world. Whereas with the first movie, you're led to think the movie just takes place in the past, but with this one you're shown it's a completely whole other world altogether...that's just one of the many things I hated about this sequel. It didn't work with "Masters of the Universe", and it sure doesn't work here either! Movies like this should take place and stay in their own time-line and their usual surroundings. For Christ's sake, what's next? Hercules in New York...er, uh..bad example! Moving on...
Arklon's after a device called a neutron detonator to use as a threat against his enemies to rule his own kingdom. So, it's up to Dar, his ferrets,his eagle,and his tiger(not a spray-painted one this time) to go off and save the world...but along the way they have the help of a young, cool, and hip Senator's daughter who gets caught up in this whole mess and she show's Dar around L.A., takes him for a joyride in her BMW, and helps get him out of tight situations here and there. How convenient right? And speaking of convenient, I found it awfully convenient and easy for Arklon to sneak into a highly guarded military base and get away with a stolen, highly destructive nuclear weapon...even with half the U.S. Army and L.A.P.D. after him....waaaaay to easy, even for an evil barbarian sorcerer from another world. There are sooo many plot holes in this I don't know where to begin; like why did Arklon go to the L.A. zoo for at the end of the movie?!? He absolutely has no reason whatsoever to go there; and wouldn't that be like the last place you'd lure your greatest enemy who just so happens to have the handy ability TO CONTROL ANIMALS?
And don't you just love these kinds of movies where the police are portrayed as total idiots and even with half a dozen cops firing at one guy, they still don't manage to hit him? The police in this movie belong in the "Police Academy" series! They are about as useful in this movie as reading glasses are for the blind! Even the title of the movie makes no sense: "Beastmaster 2 : Through the Portal of Time"...they never actually went through a "time" portal because the movie isn't set in the future of Dar's world, it's set in a parallel world along ours in the astral plane, so they NEVER actually go through time, only a dimensional world along theirs; so NO actual time-travel is involved at all! This movie tries to come off as funny and it does...not because of the humor, but because it's just so bad...and that's putting it mildly. The acting, dialogue, plot, characters, and ending are all so cheesy it's hilarious. What more can I expect from the guy that brought us "Return of the Swampthing"(another bad sequel)? Sorely missed here is Don Coscarelli's wonderful directing and serious feel of the first one!! Avoid this stinking piece of garbage like the bubonic plague and stick which the first one and maybe the third one if there's nothing better on T.V.
Blade: Trinity (2004)
Very Disappointing!!!
I just got back from seeing this movie and I was very disappointed...with everything! Now don't get me wrong, the first two were awesome! The first one was cool, sleek, dark, and serious! The second one was still dark, serious, and took the storyline and plot into a new cool direction with a neat twist but still retained a sense of horror to it. But, the third one...UGH! Everything about it was horrible...the script, the plot, the acting, the bad jokes, the villains, all bad! The dialogue sounds like it was written by a seventeen year old high school student and the computer generated Dracula looked terrible. Oh, and I can't forget about the vampire pooches running around...how stupid is that? The guy they got to play Dracula couldn't be more misplaced! He was undoubtedly the worst Dracula I have ever seen...and I have seen a whole hell of a lot of "Dracula" movies! What genius decided to put Parker Posey in this movie as the lead female vampire. She's so bad it's funny! And the guy from "King of Queens"?? What the hell is he doing in this movie?!? And one of the female Nightstalkers IS BLIND!! Yeah, that's what I'd be doing too if I couldn't see what I was doing...chasing and killing vampires!!! Not to mention she has a young daughter running around she doesn't seem to be too worried about, considering what she does for a living...and what would any vampire movie be without a wrestler...? Triple H did not belong in this movie...period! The only thing I can't complain about is that Jessica Biel, as always, was HOT! She kind of takes your mind off the movie and just how bad it is. Being a big fan of the "Tomb of Dracula" comic from the seventies(which Blade first debuted) and the more recent comic series called "Nightstalkers" (which also stars Blade), it was just too out of whack with both comic series for me. It was too comical, the plot was ridiculous, the acting and dialogue was awful, and the ending sucked too. I just hope this was the last one in this series before they take the "Batman" route and get soooo bad they're laughed off the screen!
Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004)
So bad, it's painful to watch!
Oh how I miss the good ol' days! Do you remember those days? The days when the Puppet Master series was good? The days when Full Moon owned the rights and made half-way decent movies? The days when Corey Feldman had a career and made good movies? Yeah, I remember those days too. Gone but not forgotten. I have just watched the world premiere of "Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys" on Sci-Fi and boy-o-boy, what a horrific piece of crap it is. And to think, I couldn't wait to see it when I heard it was finally coming out. Being a huge horror/Puppet Master fan, I have all the Puppet Master movies, and after watching them all, I'm sad to say this entry is an embarrassment to the series. Where do I begin telling you about this movie...Well, let's start with Corey Feldman. Poor Corey, the eighties were so good to him and now look at him. He plays a role in this movie that should've been played by an older actor. He's so laughable to watch in his funny gray wig while talking in his scruffled "older" voice. Am I supposed to believe he's a middle-aged toy making dad with a teenage daughter in this movie??? And the acting...oh lord, don't get me started about the awful acting; and awful is putting it mildly. Secondly, let's talk about the puppets...only half the puppets are here and they leave out two of my favorite puppets of all time...Tunneler and Torch! They also leave out Ms.Leech and Decapitron. We don't even get to hear Six-shooter's infamous laugh!! "Heh Heh Heh!" Not once! We don't even get to see the puppets in action until the end of the movie in about a two minute battle. The acting is awful, the plot ridiculous, the "special" effects are a joke, and the demonic toys are just annoying and cheesy!! Especially Baby Oppsie-daisy! Ugh!! Could this character get anymore on my nerves? Charles Band where are you? I thought Full Moon was putting out some crap there towards the end, but after watching this, I would welcome Full Moon back with open arms. I thought since Sci-Fi picked up the rights, the series might be pointed in the right direction...Boy, was I wrong! Please Mr. Band, come back!!! Don't let the beloved Puppet Master series end this way! Make us devoted Puppet Master fans proud once again!!!
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
My All-Time Favorite Movie
WOW! What can I say about "Conan the Barbarian" that I haven't said about it in the past 22 years? In my opinion IT'S THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER PUT ON THE SILVER SCREEN and definitely Arnold's best movie. Ya see, I was seven (I think) when I went with my parents and saw it at the movies for the first time. From that point on, it has been my favorite movie of all time.Now, not only am I a big Conan and Arnold fan, but a big Sword/Sorcery/Fantasy movie fan as well. I have seen it probably thirty times and will never get tired of seeing it. Arnold was born to play the role of Conan. Everyone in the movie truly delivers 110 percent. The story and plot are solid, the fight scenes are well done (and bloody), the characters are interesting and likable, the props and scenery are great looking, the score by Basil Poledouris is AWESOME, and the movie just has a feel to it that I feel most movies lack today. A feeling that the movie is really authentic and the actors in the movie are the real thing and not just actors. You can really lose yourself in these characters. James Earl Jones plays a truly despicable villain called Thulsa Doom and Max Von Sydow plays the aging and tired King Osric brilliantly. Another thing I liked about it was that it was rated 'R'! This was one thing I did not like about the sequel among others reasons. It's not a light hearted depiction of the character and it doesn't have that "family" feel to it like the sequel has. Conan is not a character that should be portrayed and taken lightly. The director lives up to the character and the world he lives in he shows that it's not a pretty and friendly place. It truly has that Robert E. Howard feel to it. If Mr. Howard were alive today, I think he's be truly proud to see his greatest character done so brilliantly and beautifully portrayed. Very true to the original character of the old pulp stories and novels. Anyway, if you like sword,sorcery, and fantasy type movies and haven't seen Conan the Barbarian,GO RENT AND SEE IT!!! Better yet, go buy it! You will love this movie! Just be cautious about the sequel but that is another review!!!
The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)
A Great Fantasy Film
This film is very special to me. It was the first movie I ever saw at the movies. I don't remember too much but I do remember going and covering my eyes at the part in the end where the demon Xusia reveals himself. Hey, when your seven years old, that stuff's pretty scary. Anyway, I guess you could say this movie sort of got me hooked because after I saw this movie, the next movie I say was "Conan the Barbarian" and then "The Beastmaster". I have been hooked on these kinds of movies ever since. I really loved this movie as a kid and still love this movie today. I think the story is great and the acting and characters are great. It has everything a great action/fantasy movie should have. Great characters, great story, great hero, great villain(s), awesome special effects, and a happy ending. Not to mention an awesome sword. Richard Lynch just plays an awesome villain and Richard Moll is spectacular as the sorcerer/demon Xusia. I would highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes a great fantasy/sword/sorcery type movie.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
quite possibly the greatest horror movie ever made!!!
Quite possibly the greatest horror movie ever made!!! I was in horror movie heaven by the time the credits rolled...WOW!!! It had everything that a great horror movie needs...horror, blood, suspense, a little comedy (but not too much), a good plot, and classic 80's ending, and a few nudie shots thrown in too along with the standard horror movie procedure of being chased through the woods in the dark alone half naked. It took 23 years and 15 sequels but the wait was definately worth it. I have been a life long fan of both series and I was totally blown away. There hasn't been a horror movie match up like this one since Godzilla stomped King Kong back in the sixties. If you are a fan of the two series you will definately love this movie. It's nothing short of a classic and will be remembered as such by horror fans all over in the years to come...