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Cloverfield (2008)
2/10
A pile of steaming horse manure
9 February 2008
Warning: Spoilers
*MAJOR SPOILERS* I can't believe the high ratings that this film has received! The first thing that has to be mentioned is that the whole film is shot from a hand-held camera, which is buried under piles of rocks, involved in an helicopter crash and undergoes a chewing from the monster itself and yet miraculously manages to stay in complete working order. Unlikely, but OK I can go with that. The fact that the cameraman cannot hold it straight for one moment in the whole film and when he's running away he is constantly spinning around is just nauseating. And it is glued to his face? At some point all normal people would have dropped the camera because it would be hindering your speed and ability to run and dodge things, even when the guy was being eaten/chewed by the creature it still took him about 5 minutes to drop the sodding camera! And his friends basically went "Ahhh!! He's dead! Oh my god! Run! Oh, and remember the camera." Seriously.

The party at the beginning takes so long to get going that I was bored within about 5 minutes and it made me feel so ill that I spent most of the rest of the film with my eyes shut trying not to be sick. This probably induces the argument that I couldn't possibly comment on the film because I didn't actually see most of it. Well, I opened my eyes frequently during the film and knew what was going on from the numerous, and at most times hilarious, sounds. The noises the creature made in the tunnel were absolutely ridiculous! I honestly think that could have been a really good scene, I was getting quite enthusiastic when they put on the night-vision, but the sounds were so laughable that it just made it all a bit rubbish. And the whole thing with the rats- rats run away from bad stuff, if they're running then you'd better start running as well!

Then the girl who had been bitten- did she explode or did the army explode her or what? Seriously, what the hell was going on with her? And the army would never allow a civilian back onto the streets to find his (probably dead) friend who was trapped in a lopsided building.

We find the friend, who has been stabbed in the chest by a spike, they somehow manage to lift her off it with minimal screaming and blood, then tie a bit of cloth around the wound and make her run around, leaping across buildings and so forth. She had been lying with this spike in her for quite a while by the way and with the smallest chance that she wouldn't be dead, she certainly would have suffered enough blood-loss and trauma that she certainly wouldn't be able to run around and hug people.

We then encounter another mini-creature (is the mother-monster spawning these freaky mini-monsters?) which is subdued very easily and with minimal fuss.

Cue a lot of running around, a woman who has supposedly been stabbed through the chest being very agile and hugging her boyfriend VERY tightly and with very little blood. The creature getting bombed is quite impressive, but seeing as you know that they all die in the end it's not really that scary when the creature re-emerges.

We end with the last two survivors hiding under a bridge (yeh, the best place to hide when the army is bombing a massive creature which is smashing buildings up- under a pile of bricks and stones) and something very BlairWitch-like takes place, with lots of close mouth shots and snotty noses.

The monster had the potential to be excellent and failed quite spectacularly, the scene with the head of the Statue of Liberty is quite good and you don't really feel close to the characters and therefore don't really care when one dies. I think the guy behind me in the cinema actually cheered a bit when Hud was killed. Also, they milk the whole 'tell her you love her' bits. I mean, aren't there more pressing issues at hand here?

So all in all, I went with a group of six people, three of us felt ill, two of us had headaches and one was almost asleep. I want £3.50, two hours of my life and my settled stomach back please!
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300 (2006)
9/10
Amazingly brilliant
4 April 2007
If you're wanting an accurate history lesson, or a mind-boggling plot, then I would give '300' a miss, but seeing as I went along for the special effects and Gerard Butler's deep Scottish tones, I was not disappointed in the slightest. Firstly, the special effects are amazing, especially the frequent blood splatters that are flung across the screen. The soundtrack is amazing as well, really adding to the drama of the battle scenes and the tenderness of the bedroom scenes.

David Wenham does a brilliant job of narrating the film, but it was some of Gerard Butler's speeches that sent chills up and down my spine. The constant blood-lust is toned down slightly by the flicks back to Sparta, but the film never lingers too long.

In summary it is a fast-moving, special effects feast. True, the dialogue might be a bit dodgy in places, but a viewer can forgive this quite easily. And before anyone start complaining, the background to the film is meant to look like its computer-generated. That's the whole point, and it allows Zack Snyder to emphasise the contrast between the characters.
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Mock the Week (2005–2022)
10/10
Brilliant
3 February 2007
This is one of the funniest programmes on TV. It doesn't matter that some parts are scripted, the delivery of the lines is timed perfectly and anyone with a sense of humour will be laughing out loud. The guests have a brilliant banter going on, and the stand-up challenges are hilarious.

The guests aren't the same every week, adding variety and all the panelists have a different type of humour to offer the audience. Dara O'Brain is brilliant, he seems to fit the part of a host excellently, and the panelists who are there every week (Hugh Dennis, Frankie Boyle and Andy Parsons) are amazingly funny, with humour that should cater for everyone's tastes.
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7/10
Brilliantly, Amazing, Utterly...pointless
7 July 2006
Yes, 'tis true. The long-awaited sequel is pointless with a very difficult, hard-to-follow plot. Characters keep appearing, disappearing then reappearing again, randomers are flying left, right and centre and Keira Knightley is one of the most annoying women ever. She tries to act manly in a sexy way which doesn't work and is just embarrassing. Johnny Depp does keep Captain Jack Sparrow up to his usual standard but the script lacks many of the brilliant one-liners that made the first film so great. Orlando Bloom has improved though, Will Turner is a more believable character and his acting has improved. Bill Nighy is brilliant as Davy Jones but it's not actually explained who he is, why he has a squid as a head and why Jack Sparrow is in debt to him. The many sword fights are entertaining, but I still feel Jack wasn't as brilliant as he was in the first movie, there was just something lacking which i feel was more the script's fault than Johnny Depp's. Going back to the plot, it was be impossible to follow if it wasn't for Gibbs giving a running commentary throughout which helps a lot and is a touch of genius form the writers. I don't think Davy Jones is as good a baddie as Barbossa, who just seemed that slightly more ruthless. And the guy who plays Cutler Beckett is so annoying (but then again, you're not meant to like him) Go and see the film just to say you've seen it, but don't expect the humorous one-liners from Jack, the riding of the seven seas or anything that will explain what the heck is going on.
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Alien Autopsy (2006)
6/10
It's...different
19 April 2006
This film isn't bad, it's a good 6 out of 10. Ant and Dec's acting skills are, to be frank, not really up to much but the plot line is so outrageous that you end up ignoring the acting just to keep up with which country they are in and who they are talking to. It takes a while to relax into the 'flow' of the film, but when you do it becomes quite enjoyable. Characters like Voros (played by Götz Otto) will intrigue, interest and even slightly scare you. The actually autopsy scene is cleverly put together and 'snortingly-funny' as one of my friends put it. I think the fact that the film is based on a true story is the only reason the plot is accepted in your mind as you watch it.

And when the cast list rolls across the screen, you will (as the whole of our cinema did) sigh, stretch then snigger quietly to yourself as you remember the more... interesting... parts of the film.

It has to be said however that I won't be buying it on DVD, BUT it takes up two hours and allows you to relax.
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