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- Hazel Kirke, daughter of Dunstan Kirke, a miller, is sent off to be educated by Squire Rooney, who has promised to marry her upon her return. All this in repayment for a small sum which Rodney advanced to save the old mill from the auction block. Five years later, near the end of her school years, she meets Arthur Carringford. At home again, she renews her promise to Rodney. Some days later, Arthur on a hunting trip, meets with an accident near the mill, and is confined there for some weeks, during which time a new friendship springs up between the two. Some time later, when Rodney and Dunstan see Hazel and Arthur embracing, Dunstan denounces them and sends them away. Arthur's mother, to save the family fortune, wishes Arthur to marry Maude, her ward, who is loved by Pittacus Greene, and whose fortune was squandered by the elder Carringford before his death. She sends Pittacus and Arthur's valet to dissuade Arthur from marrying Hazel, and they arrive as the two are coming away. At a nearby village, the valet, thinking the ceremony is to be a fake, goes to a saloon for a "minister." He then notifies Mrs. Carringford by letter. A few weeks later that lady arrives during Arthur's absence and tells Hazel that she has been duped. The girl, distracted, runs away and upon Arthur's return the panic-stricken mother tells of the plot and passes away from a heart attack. After a day or two's search for Hazel, Arthur rides toward home, stopping at a small church. The parson proves to be the one who married them and he tells of his good work in the slums of nearby towns disguised as a "tough." The two ride off to the mill hoping to meet Hazel. Unknown to the young people, Dunstan's terrible denunciation of them has left him sightless and it is before Hazel's blinded father that the two are reunited with parental blessing, only after Arthur has rescued Hazel from the icy millpond waters into which she had thrown herself.
- Cecilia is a spunky Irish girl from a struggling family, faced with the imminent death of her mother.
- Kathleen, the daughter of a poor tenant farmer, dreams of her wedding with her beloved Terrence. The dream is interrupted when the Squire of the estate takes an interest in Kathleen and forces her father to allow him to marry her to forgive the father's debt. Unfortunately the Squire loses interest in Kathleen once a potential gravy train arrives in the person of the exceedingly wealthy Lady Clancarthy. To be rid of Kathleen the Squire abandons her in the forest where she is beset upon by ruffians, but is rescued by Terrence, who is framed for murder for his troubles.
- Characters from various nursery rhymes sing together.
- The genial confidence men assume the roles of "business doctors, sick and dying enterprises cured while you wait." The eggbeater concern of one Pushman is the patient, but the reason for their interest is a selfish one. Pushman is heavily indebted to G.W. Slookum, who threatens to close the place, and Slookum was a member of the criminal clique, who ruined the father of the Warden girls. The enterprise suddenly becomes Pushman, Inc., Kitchen Utensils, and old Slookum, who becomes intensely interested, receives his money. Lots of loud talk of big money and the open books of the concern, left where Slookum gets a chance to see them, causes him to free himself from the tidy sum of $45,000, just the amount he extracted from old man Warden. Meanwhile, Toad Jessup has a little trouble with Slookum over some apples which the latter thought he has stolen, but when he proves his innocence before the town constable, Slookum's cup of woe is filled. The last he sees of Wallingford and Co. and his roll is when they take the first train out of town.
- Dana T. Morley was a member of the clique of unscrupulous financiers who ruined old man Warden, and J. Rufus and Blackie have promised the Warden girls that they will help in getting the money back. One Edward Bang, inventor of a sun engine, is deep in debt to Morley, and it is through him that the confidence men get at their quarry and lead him to slaughter. Everything is worked in unison and harmony and friend Morley falls hard. He is led to believe that the confidence men contemplate building a large factory to produce these sun engines and that there is no limit to the money that is to be made. Wallingford and his henchmen have a "row" and the Warden girls say they will sell their option on the whole "shooting-match" for several hundred thousand dollars. Morley snaps it up, figuring on selling it to Wallingford, knowing that J. Rufus wants it. They give him the options, all right, but when he goes after the genial Wallingford, that worthy offers exactly thirty cents for the whole thing. "Stung," says Morley.
- Kraus' little jewelry shop on the east side of New York is typical of that locality thirty years ago, and while his competitors advance with the times, he stands still in the simplicity of his kindly old soul, and devotes more time to his domestic affairs than to his business. In the rear of his small shop are the few immaculate rooms presided over by Katie, his motherly old housekeeper for many years, who also fills the vacancy of mother for Marie, the daughter of Kraus. Kraus' most intimate friend and neighbor is Spiegel, a kindred soul, and the father of Fred. Both parents have planned for years the ultimate union of their children. Marie, however, has other ideas on the subject, and has given her heart to Frank MacPherson, a worthless young "sport" and the son of her father's keenest competitor. From time to time a pinochle game at the home of one or the other is arranged by the two old Germans, as a pretext to throw Marie and Fred in each other's company. Fred's attentions to Marie on these occasions mislead the old folks, who do not see that Fred's sincerity is not returned. Marie's eighteenth birthday arrives, and in honor of the event, Kraus closes up shop, and with Marie, Katie and the Spiegels, journeys to the Jersey shore for a picnic in the woods. Frank follows them, and in the midst of their gaiety calls Marie to him. She slips away unseen, and tells him of the predicament that her blind love for him has placed her in. Unsympathetic, he speaks of her delicate condition as his "rotten luck." His craven mind plans further deception, and she becomes the victim of a mock marriage. Before leaving with Frank she sends a boy back to the picnic with a note to her father, telling of her intention. Old Kraus' grief upon its receipt is pitiful, and the holiday's joy is turned to sorrow. No word comes from Marie and Kraus broods over his loss until poverty and want confront him. He is at last compelled to accept a position in the store of his former salesman and a home with the Spiegels. Meanwhile, Marie and Frank have traveled down a parallel scale until he leaves her with her baby and goes away. Without support she is eventually dispossessed from her squalid room, and going she knows not where, encounters Fred, her father's choice. He persuades her to come home with him, where his sister Alice makes her comfortable. The Spiegels now plan a reconciliation, and by shrewd means bring father and daughter back to each other's arms. MacPherson has turned against his son Frank, and is the means of bringing him to an accounting. With his grandchild in his arms, Kraus' anger melts, and the glances he detects between Fred and Marie make him believe that his fondest hopes may yet be realized.
- When Monsieur Laporte died, he provided in his will that an annual dinner should be given to six of his dearest friends for so long a period as any of them should remain alive. Among these friends was a certain obscure lieutenant of artillery named Napoleon Bonaparte. In his dingy regimentals, Bonaparte made a striking contrast with the other recipients of Monsieur Laporte's bounty. The other five were aristocrats, powered, frivolous elegants of the day, careless and blind to the storm gradually rising in their land. From the heights of their disdainful superiority, they looked askance at the shabby Corsican lieutenant with whom they were forced to dine once a year. Matters grew worse when the shabby lieutenant dared to raise his eyes to the lovely Cecilie de Cloche Forêt. They grew still worse when M. Bonaparte, in a duel with Cecilie's lover, the Count de Passy, negligently disarmed that young man and made him a present of his life as though it had been an old hat. But before the aristocratic guests of M. Laporte had recovered from the presumptuous conduct of their plebeian comrade, the storm broke. The peasants of France rose and cast their masters down from their lofty heights to ruin and death. When the smoke and blood of the French Revolution had passed away, all but two of Monsieur Laporte's former guests had perished. Of these two, one, the Count de Passy, was a crossing sweeper, the other, Napoleon Bonaparte, was Emperor of France and master of Europe. François, who of old had waited on the guests, was now one of Napoleon's most trusted generals. On the anniversary of M. Laporte's dinner, Napoleon, believing himself to be the sole survivor, decided to visit the inn and dream over bygone days. In a low dive in the slums of Paris, the ruined Count de Passy overheard a Bourbon plot to assassinate the Emperor after he arrived at the inn. The Count hastened to the inn, arriving in time to frustrate the plot, by forcing one of the spies to take the Emperor's place and meet the death prepared for Napoleon. After the other conspirator had been led off by the guards, de Passy made himself known to his old enemy. The grateful Emperor, overcome with the memories of the past, bade General François resume his old duties of waiter. Then the Count and Napoleon seated themselves in their old places and drank to the health of Monsieur Laporte.
- Tommy McGuire, leading man of "Red Barlow, the Terror of the Gulch," is quite sure that he is destined to make a decided hit in his part as Reginald Fortescue, the noble-minded cowboy. Accordingly, he invites his parents to the opening performance of the play at the Centretown Opera House. Mr. and Mrs. McGuire, overjoyed at the prospect of seeing their son act, come to Centretown on the appointed day, arrayed in apparel whereat the lilies of the fields might well blush. At length, comfortably settled in their chairs, Mr. and Mrs. McGuire await with pleasurable excitement the raising of the curtain. The play of "Red Barlow" is a cruel, hard thing. Red Barlow has a grudge against the poor rancher and leaves a barrel of powder, with fuse lighted, before the door of his cabin. Reginald Fortescue, the cowboy, enters and despite the frenzied appeals of his parents in the orchestra, sits on the barrel and uses the fuse to light his cigarette. After he has put it out and gone away, and after two ushers have succeeded in partially restraining the frantic McGuires, the rancher comes out of his house and carries off the barrel of powder. His wife follows him into the house with an ostensible child in her arms and for some unaccountable reason, falls fainting to the ground. The villain and his Indian accomplice attempt to kidnap her but are foiled by Reginald. While Reginald kneels with the unconscious woman in his arms, the villain enters from the back, draws a long knife and creeps slowly towards him. Nearer and nearer he creeps, a wicked leer playing about his savage face. Apparently nothing can save Reginald. The knife is slowly lifted and held quivering above the fair-haired cowboy. Suddenly a wild Irish yell rings through the theater and Mr. McGuire dashes on the stage just in time to save his offspring. One blow lays Red Barlow stiff on the boards, another stretches the bad Indian beside him, while a third, delivered somewhat carelessly, stretches the rescued son beside his enemies.
- It is Dick's intention to present his sweetheart, Marjorie with a diamond engagement ring. On the way to the jeweler's he meets Marjorie's father, and together they enter the store where Dick selected a beautiful solitaire for which he paid three hundred dollars. In the evening Dick is joyfully preparing to call on Marjorie when suddenly he discovers that the precious ring is missing, then he remembers having left it on the jeweler's counter. As it is after business hours he is in a quandary. However, on his way to Marjorie's house he buys an inexpensive imitation diamond ring, which he presents to Marjorie that evening. The following day Marjorie meets with a mishap. The supposed genuine solitaire drops from the setting, rolls into the marble wash basin and slips down the waste pipe. Bemoaning the sad fate of her diamond, Marjorie arouses everybody's sympathy. Her father, knowing the great value of Marjorie's ring, secures the services of two plumbers who get busy at once, but the stupid servant makes the awful error of directing them to the old spinster's room directly above Marjorie's. The mistake is not discovered until the plumbers have succeeded in ripping out the waste pipes in the wrong room. After considerable excitement the plumbers are directed to Marjorie's room, where they proceed to tear out the waste pipes in their peculiar indolent plumber fashion, and it is nearly sundown when they finally locate the much-sought precious (?) stone. Dick now arrives upon the scene, having recovered the original ring he selected, only to find the house torn up by the plumbers searching for a cheap bit of paste. Meanwhile little sister creates a flood in the room above on account of disconnected waste pipes, which in turn causes the ceiling below to drop upon the heads of the plumbers who happen to be directly underneath, bringing about a most laughable climax.
- Andre Perigourd, a dress maker, is Wallingford's next victim. Violet buys a dress from Perigourd, only to find out that it is a cheap, illegal copy of a designer's original. A burglar breaks into Wallingford's house and just happens to have Perigourd's address on him. Wallingford enters the dress shop pretending to be a customer, and Blackie Daw follows him and gives him $1,000 for his $150 investment. Perigourd asks to be let in on such a profitable investment, and Wallingford lets him in for $100,000. But Perigourd quickly realizes that he has been swindled and gets the police. However, Wallingford lets Perigourd know that with their arrest the fact will come out that Perigourd has been making illegal dresses. Perigourd gives in and once again the Warden girls get their revenge.
- An overworked minister chances upon a man in a poorhouse who looks very much like him, and decides to engage the man to impersonate him and attend the stupid committee meetings and social functions that take up his time and prevent him from doing the work which he wants to put his heart into. The plan succeeds admirably at first and the double is introduced at a sociable at the minister's own house. The guests do not seem to notice that their pastor is at all different or at all unlike himself when the real man slips out to do his writing and the double takes his place among the guests. At committee meetings he has been taught always to complain of a sore throat and never to make a speech and when at the social always refer to his "wife," that is, to Mrs. Ingham, the minister's wife, and let her answer all questions for him on the same "sore throat" plea. All goes well until the double is invited to a dinner and there a city chap gets him to drink a little champagne. He points to his sore throat in extenuation, but the champagne has already begun to do its work, and before the dinner is over he makes a speech which results in his being led from the table by the deacons and taken home. Poor Mrs. Ingham, confronted by the irate deacons and their frisky charge, doesn't know what to do, but the real minister appearing on the scene, caps the climax and brings the story to a ludicrous finish, for his double promptly embraces him and turns him around so that the two men, seemingly so much alike, face the shocked and horrified deacons, making an explanation unnecessary.
- Herr Müller needs to travel across town, but he runs into difficulties because he cannot understand English.
- A young man proposes a lottery with himself as the prize in marriage. However he finds himself very much in love with a woman other than the winner.
- The church fair in the village is always a big event. All of the good housewives and also the embryo housewives have a spell of baking cakes and pies. In Josh Jordan's family the women folk were elected to bake the apple pies for the coming event, the big church fair. We see the interior of a well-to-do farmhouse kitchen; pretty girls and matrons are busy peeling, paring and baking apple pies. While the ladies have been busily engaged as above, they receive a call from an itinerant merchant selling wares from a wagon. Among his diversified stock is an article that he calls "Sleep Sugar," a harmless potion, which if put in food where thievery is suspected, will catch the culprit. The ladies try to get rid of him but his persistence is too strong for them. While they are thus engaged one of the pies on the shelf disappears. The alarm is given by one of the girls and the agent, taking advantage of the opportunity, makes a sale. The pies are doctored and soon the good women have four disreputable soiled members of society, better known as tramps, secure in the meshes of a clothes line. The constable arrives with his deputy, the restoring battery is put to work and the wriggling, writhing mass of "gentlemen of the road" is in the clutch of the two limbs of the law. The ladies and children bid the tramps a parting farewell with many laughs and jeers.
- Colorblind Mrs. Newcomb buys her husband a very "loud" necktie, which creates much laughter in the office. He tries many times to get rid of it, but some good-natured person returns it to him each time. At last he tears the tie into bits and bribes a corner loafer to have a fight with him outside of his home. Just as Mrs. Newcomb appears, the loafer disappears. She notices that her husband is unhurt, but that his "beautiful" necktie is torn to shreds. She is heartbroken and he professes great sorrow. But Mrs. Newcomb's grief is short-lived; the janitor's daughter presents him with a duplicate of the "beautiful" necktie.
- Boardinghouse servant Adele Clark is unexpectedly awarded the ownership of a certain piece of New York City property known as Clark's Field. The trustees send her to a finishing school, whose headmistress, Signorina Vitale, persuades Adele and her sweetheart, Tim Sullivan, that she should travel in Europe. Adele's new riches cause her to lose her sense of proportion, and she soon is involved with a fast set indulging in the jazz life. Even Tim cannot curb Adele's extravagance, and he returns to America while Adele marries Italian fortune-hunter Prince Arnolfo Da Pescia. When a will is discovered naming Tim as the rightful heir to Clark's Field, Adele and Arnolfo hurry to New York, and Arnolfo tries to steal the will, then dies in a hotel fire. All dispute over the land is ended when Tim and Adele are united.
- It was a curious fact that Mr. Jessup and Mr. Vincent, buying overcoats on the same day, should each have the rather bad taste to buy coats of exactly the same flamboyant pattern. After they had bought the coats, each man went on an errand for his wife. Mr. Jessup took a pink slipper, his wife wished to have repaired, and Mr. Vincent burdened himself with a baby's nursing-bottle, which had to be changed. As it happened, the two men took lunch in the same restaurant. They checked their coats at the door. While Jessup and Vincent were in the restaurant a person lighted a cigarette and threw the still burning match on the floor. A lively little blaze ensued, and a robust little panic among the guests followed. Jessup and Vincent fought their way to the door, and grabbed coats each fondly imagined was his own. In the street they came upon the joker who threw the match. A very fair general mix-up resulted immediately. As a result, Jessup and Vincent were both hauled off to jail and confined in separate cells. The next morning both men were released and allowed to return to their weeping wives. Each wife, naturally enough, wanted to know where her husband had been. Each husband, naturally enough did not care to say he had spent the night in jail. When Mrs. Vincent discovered a woman's pink slipper in her husband's pocket her worst fears were realized. Even more terrible suspicions were aroused in Mrs. Jessup when she found the nursing bottle. The men were rescued from their awkward fix by the sudden discovery that the coats did not fit. A chance meeting led to a general explanation and the husbands were led home by their rejoicing wives with no ill effects from their adventure apart from two class A colds.
- Cud McGiven applies for employment in a Bowery restaurant. The restaurant is conducted by a German, who engages Cud. Whenever Cud finds himself alone in the pantry he exercises his mania for juggling plates with disastrous results to the crockery. Every time the proprietor bears a crash he is Johnny-on-the-spot and takes out his little book to jot down the damage and charge it to Cud. At last the proprietor loses all patience and decides to discharge Cud. Accordingly he summons him to his private office and demands a settlement of the broken dishes and spoiled food. Cud is unable to see the situation this way at all. The disagreement waxes hot and furious and Cud in revenge breaks all the dishes in the pantry. The riot brings the frightened guests to their feet, where they stand spellbound at seeing a half of the waiters flee before the burly Cud, who is flinging plates after them with the accuracy of a baseball pitcher. He then makes a grandstand exit through the front door and everybody heaves a sigh of relief.
- The newly-rich and simpering Mr. Charles Algernon Swivel is fussful and flirty and a conspirator. He is a member of a clique of criminal financiers who have caused the ruin and death of the father of Violet and Fanny Warden, who, in turn, are being aided by J. Rufus Wallingford and Blackie Daw in their endeavor to regain a part of the stolen fortune. Again Wallingford invests five thousand dollars, value received, the "Pine Lake Hotel." Aged, dilapidated, God-forsaken Pine Lake, with its oily swamp and an over-abundance of the infernal pest, mosquitoes. This was the luscious lemon into which Wallingford wanted Algernon to bite. Bite he did, Forty thousand dollars' worth. How the Prancing Pink Pretties, a stranded theatrical troupe, with Miss Tottie Vorhies, later Mrs. Charles Algernon Swivel, as star, gave the "Pine Lake" an air of something it wasn't, and how "Onion" Jones developed smallpox, cholera and leprosy at the one time in order that Pine Lake might be rid of its undesirable guests, is a very laughable bit of comedy.
- Is that a tango instructor trying to teach Mrs. McGinty and her sweet little daughter, Mary Ann, the tango? No. no, it's the fearless, faking, little Count Bunkie bowing to them. Mary Ann is attracted to him on account of the wonderful perfume that he carries with him. It is an essence of sulfur flowers from a three-cent store in Italy. The Count, picking an argument, tries to lead a labor uprising against McGinty himself, but McGinty puts the Irish kibosh on it, and the Count and his allies get theirs. The Count challenges McGinty to a duel with swords and Dinny sends word to his wife to bring reinforcements. The "dool," as McGinty calls it, takes place and McGinty, or, we should say, one of his wife's biscuits, is impaled on the Count's sword. His wife arrives, and the Italian army, led by the Count, beats retreat, followed by some presents, such as bricks, otherwise known as Irish confetti, and what's worse, Biddy's biscuits.
- "A good position to the man who can make good" was the luring want ad that prompted Michael Flannigan, a needy individual, to make an application. He is informed by the President of the Royal Insurance Company that the job is his provided he can land Weiser Bud, the Pink Ribbon brewer, for a ten thousand dollar policy. With the utmost confidence he presents himself at the brewer's private office and is promptly kicked out for intruding. This, however, does not discourage Michael, for he waits outside until the brewer appears and follows him about like a faithful dog, imploring him to sign the policy. While Mr. Weiser Bud is crossing the street a passing automobile almost runs him down, and, quick as a dash, Michael is at his side with an earnest solicitation to sign the policy now. Weiser Bud scorns his offer and hurries away with Michael hot on his trail. Passing a building in the course of erection, the brewer walks under a ladder and is greeted by a shower of falling mortar and bricks. Again Michael is on the spot with the accident policy. The brewer in his anxiety to evade the pursuing Michael, carelessly steps into an open cellar door. "Good-bye" for a moment. Passersby have him taken home in a cab, whence the tenacious Michael follows him and with the patience of Job sits on the brewer's front stoop awaiting his reappearance. A few hours later the brewer takes a drive in his automobile with the persistent Michael clinging to the rear of the machine. On the road the auto becomes unmanageable and the clinging Michael is precipitated to the ground. Then the car tries to climb a tree but fails and poor Weiser Bud takes an aerial flight and lands in a heap in a mud puddle. The ambulance soon arrives to remove him, but the undaunted Michael is soon on his track. At the hospital Michael again presents the policy and finally gets the signature of a sadder "Bud Weiser" man and thus covers himself with the glory necessary to become a full-fledged solicitor.
- The modest one is pushed into a ditch by an Irish laborer and ruins his clothes. The Irishman loans him his best suit and Bragg tells the boys at the club a romantic story about the new suit, but the real owner spoils it all.
- Aunty sat up in bed screaming, and the terrified family started on a burglar hunt. Papa tiptoed cautiously upstairs and sonny, slightly the worse for wear, knocked him downstairs with an Indian club, thinking he was the burglar. When the policeman arrived he found, a mouse.