movie diary 2019
movies on the tee-vee. My viewing of 2018 is lost, unrecorded. “Like tears in rain...” oh no wait there it is.
God, I've watched a lot of trash this year.
God, I've watched a lot of trash this year.
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37 titles
- DirectorWes AndersonStarsBryan CranstonKoyu RankinEdward NortonSet in Japan, Isle of Dogs follows a boy's odyssey in search of his lost dog.
- DirectorJohn 'Bud' CardosStarsJim DavisChristopher MitchumDorothy MaloneAliens visit the solar-powered house of a middle-class family, and the house is suddenly sucked into a time warp that transports it back to prehistoric times.mst3k
This incoherent Charles Band stinker drops an achingly ordinary American family in the middle of interstellar war, or something like that.
"Jenny! Jenny!" "WHO CAN I TURN TO?"
"Leslie Nielsen IN... Death Wish"
"Leif Garrett IS Jimmy Stewart IN... Rear Window '75" - DirectorRyan CooglerStarsChadwick BosemanMichael B. JordanLupita Nyong'oT'Challa, heir to the hidden but advanced kingdom of Wakanda, must step forward to lead his people into a new future and must confront a challenger from his country's past.I haven't changed my all-important IMDb rating, but I enjoyed this movie with fewer reservations on rewatch. I guess a lot of the visual effects of superhero flicks look a bit dodgy on the big screen; the small screen is a bit more forgiving. Also easier to appreciate now that all the hype has died down.
- DirectorAntonio MargheritiStarsLee MajorsKaren BlackMargaux HemingwayJewel thieves attempt to recover treasure from piranha infested waters. Mistrust and betrayals happen amongst the gang in the quest for gold.mst3k
- DirectorJoe D'AmatoStarsMiles O'KeeffeSabrina SianiRitza BrownThe son of Torren learns of his heritage, goes to avenge the deaths of his fellow villagers, and rescue his sister from the evil Dakkar and his spider cult.mst3k
"Forest Whittaker IS Mr. T AS... Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars."
"Who would have thought getting married to your sister would cause such a commotion?" - DirectorEugène LouriéStarsBill TraversWilliam SylvesterVincent WinterGreedy sailors capture a giant lizard off the coast of Ireland and sell it to a London circus, inciting the wrath of the creature's mother.mst3k
In the style of “Danny Boy”: “Oh gory gore, the gore, the gore is goring, from gore to gore...”
"Quiet, I'm trying to write 'Krapp's Last Tape'."
“Ooh, he’s got Betty Davis eyes.” - DirectorDavid WintersNeal SundstromStarsReb BrownJohn Phillip LawJames RyanA pilot is the only hope to stop the mutiny of a spacecraft by its security crew, who plot to sell the crew of the ship into slavery.mst3k
Cheap wannabe space epic mostly filmed in a dank industrial basement. "Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it."
"Crunch Hardpec!"
"Roll Fizzlebeef!"
"Splint Chesthair!"
"Big McLargehuge!"
"Blast Hardcheese!"
"Bob Johnson!"
"Let me introduce you to my daughter, we're approximately the same age."
"She's presenting like a mandrill!" - DirectorHarold P. WarrenStarsTom NeymanJohn ReynoldsDiane AdelsonA family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo.mst3k
- DirectorJoseph GreenStarsJason EversVirginia LeithAnthony La PennaA doctor experimenting with transplant techniques keeps his girlfriend's head alive when she is decapitated in a car crash, then goes hunting for a new body.mst3k
- DirectorAndrew V. McLaglenStarsJoe Don BakerMartin BalsamJohn SaxonA tough, slobby, honest cop tries to simultaneously take down heroin dealers and a corrupt businessman who murdered a burglar, even if it costs him his life.mst3k
"Even his name says 'Is that a beer?' " - DirectorRick SloaneStarsTom BartlettPaige SullivanSteven BoggsA young security guard must track down diminutive aliens who kill people even as they make their fantasies come true.mst3k
“It’s the eighties/
Do cocaine/
And vote for Ronald Reagan.” - DirectorQuentin LawrenceStarsForrest TuckerLaurence PayneJennifer JayneA series of decapitations on a Swiss mountainside appear to be connected to a mysterious radioactive cloud.mst3k
Hope to find the KTMA episodes somewhere.
“She can eat corn on the cob through a picket fence!”
“It was the most bizarre dream. And you were all there! Fannie Flagg, Groucho, Carl Sagan...” - DirectorJake KasdanStarsDwayne JohnsonKaren GillanKevin HartFour teenagers are sucked into a magical video game, and the only way they can escape is to work together to finish the game.I hated it.
Jumanji opens on a beach at sunset. A jogger stumbles upon the titular board game buried in the sand and brings it home to his teenage son. "Who plays board games anymore?" sneers the son, speaking for the audience, promptly shelving it.
But this is a magical board game which can adapt to consumer input, so it transforms into a video game. Dumbfounded, the boy opens the box back up and helplessly plugs the cartridge into his console, then vanishes into a green haze. Yes, kiddies, this ain't your momma's Jumanji. It has been adapted to pander to you, imbued with the logic of your beloved Playstation. And if the story once had some sort of worthwhile point or moral or what have you, then that's been safely disposed of in the making of a franchise.
The new Jumanji is immersive, true, but the world it creates is not truly brought to life. The people there are largely Non Player Characters, capable only of reciting scripted dialog like your parents and teachers and people you encounter online. The animals are in the thrall of a demonic villain. To get out, you must complete a generic video game quest. And truly, the movie has all the fun of watching someone else play a video game. - DirectorGenndy TartakovskyRobert AlvarezRandy MyersStarsJeff BennettGrey GriffinPhil LaMarrIn ancient Japan, a samurai warrior embarks on a mission to defeat the evil wizard Aku. Before completing his task, he is jettisoned thousands of years into the future. Suddenly, he discovers he is in a world where Aku now enjoys complete power over every living thing. Taking on the name Jack, he sets out on a quest to free the future from Aku's grasp and to find a way back to his own time so he can destroy the evil for good.
- DirectorAsger LethStarsSam WorthingtonElizabeth BanksJamie BellAs a police psychologist works to talk down an ex-con who is threatening to jump from a Manhattan hotel rooftop, the biggest diamond heist ever committed is in motion.A wrongfully imprisoned cop played by the bland Sam Worthington escapes while on furlough and goes out on the ledge of NYC's Rooseveldt Hotel to protest. Somehow he was framed for embezzlement by villainous diamond seller Ed Harris; the movie is uninterested in the hows and whys of this set up. Ultimately the movie's high concept leaves it nowhere to go. Characters other than the leads are treated with lazy cynicism. There's a newswoman played by Kyra Sedgwick on hand to play the part of the media parasite; she is given little else to do. Meanwhile the crowds on the street initially encourage the man to jump, then decide halfway through that they're on his side, cheering and applauding when he makes a big speech, and going utterly nuts when he starts throwing cash at them. It emerges that Worthington's flirtaton with suicide is just cover for a heist, as his brother and the brother's lingerie model girlfriend bust into Harris' vault to steal the diamond, thus somehow proving that it had not been stolen in the first place. Real logical, huh?
- DirectorAlexander PayneStarsPaul GiamattiThomas Haden ChurchVirginia MadsenTwo men reaching middle age with not much to show but disappointment embark on a week-long road trip through California's wine country, just as one is about to take a trip down the aisle.in flight movie.
Paul Giamatti had been appearing in movies in small but memorable roles for over 10 years when in 2003 his acclaimed turn as alt-comics crank Harvey Pekar in American Splendor raised his profile. A year later, Sideways made the character actor into an unlikely star. His buttoned-up, neurotic Miles makes a great odd couple with his womanizing college buddy Jack, as the two road trip through California wine country to celebrate Jack's impending wedding day. Like a lot of Alexander Payne's rambling little road movies, it's a bit pat and conventional; if he has another sharp satire like Election in him, I'll be surprised and delighted. Strong supporting work from Sandra Oh and Virginia Madsen. - DirectorJim WynorskiStarsKelli MaroneyTony O'DellRussell ToddA group of young shopping mall employees stay behind for a late night party in one of the stores. When the mall goes on lock-down before they can get out, the robot security system malfunctions, and goes on a killing spree.great title. not so great movie.
Young horny mall employees decide to have a party at the mall after closing. But the mall has just bought some fancy new security robots, which of course malfunction and start killing people their first night on the job. At least they're efficient!
Hey, why would you equip a mall security robot with ray guns and plastic explosives anyway? Well, who's going to stop a bad robot with ray guns and plastic explosives, except a good robot armed with ray guns and plastic explosives? Congress, we demand that you properly recognize the second amendment and legalize killbots now!
The Blands from "Eating Raoul" make a pointless, rib-poking cameo. And Barbara Crampton's in this! - DirectorJem GarrardStarsKacey RohlHumberly GonzálezAsha Ashanti BromfieldA high school reunion turns deadly when the school's cursed mascot comes back to life.syfy dreck. Lousy effects, unappealing characters whose deaths we are supposed to delight in but which aren’t funny or well-staged. Devoid of entertainment value
- DirectorS. Craig ZahlerStarsVince VaughnJennifer CarpenterDon JohnsonA former boxer-turned-drug runner lands in a prison battleground after a deal gets deadly."Brawl in Cell Block 99" shares the lackadaisical pace of Craig Zahler's debut "Bone Tomahawk". But where that picture had Kurt Russell and Richard Jenkins to make the time worthwhile, "Brawl" has Vince Vaughn, who capably conveys a calculating toughness when required but overall makes for poorer company. Part of that's their delivery of Zahler's oft overwritten dialog; it takes a certain caliber of actor to make this stuff sound natural, and Vaughn's not in that caliber. I may be in the minority here; Vaughn has been much praised for this performance, and certainly Bradley Thomas (he does not abide being called Brad) is like no character he has portrayed before.
Strong supporting turns by Don Johnson as a sadistic warden and Fred Melamed, who has only one scene but is nonetheless a delght. - DirectorAaron NorrisStarsChuck NorrisMichele Lamar RichardsErik von DettenWith his cop companion shot and killed by terrorists, Reno The Dog pairs up with tough cop Jake in thwarting the criminal organization.Poor Chuck Norris plays second fiddle to a dog in this silly action "comedy". At one point he fends off a deadly home invasion from a trio of gun-toting clowns, which at least was fun for the foley artist, apparently. The dog is a good boy, at least for the most part, though he is the one chastised for ignoring direct orders and playing by his own rules; say it with me now, "But he gets results, you stupid chief!" Norris just gets suspended.
- DirectorJames Roday RodriguezStarsMichael WestonJimmi SimpsonSutton FosterIt's All Hallow's Eve. A trio of costumed misfits with very special dietary requirements seizes a Mexican cantina and force the staff to engage in a late night of gaming, food and libations. The only caveat is what's on the menu.Ghoulish low budget cannibal comedy from the star of "Psych".
- DirectorBen WheatleyStarsJulian BarrattPeter FerdinandoRichard GloverAmid the Civil War in 17th-century England, a group of deserters flee from battle through an overgrown field. Captured by an alchemist, the men are forced to help him search to find a hidden treasure that he believes is buried in the field.black and white gothic horror. during the English civil war a band of deserters eat hallucinogenic mushrooms and are captured by an alchemist who forces them to seek bured treasure.
- DirectorJonathan LynnStarsEileen BrennanTim CurryMadeline KahnSix guests are anonymously invited to a strange mansion for dinner, but after their host is killed, they must cooperate with the staff to identify the murderer as the bodies pile up.on streaming. in this presentation the three alternate endings were shown sequentially, which undermined things but how else are you going to do that?
- DirectorBrad BirdJan PinkavaStarsBrad GarrettLou RomanoPatton OswaltA rat who can cook makes an unusual alliance with a young kitchen worker at a famous Paris restaurant.Freeform, a basic cable arm of Walt Disney’s evil empire, is playing a variety of movies from the vault this month, whilst periodically reminding the proles that all these fine films that will soon be exclusively available only on their wondrous streaming service. It’s a bit like Monty Burns proudly trotting out his new sun-obscuring dome: “Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational streaming platform!”
This might be Pixar’s best. Back in the day, I didn’t think Oswalt had the dramatic chops for this role. Not sure what I was thinking; sure, he’s proven himself time and again in the years since, but he’s great here, too. Brad Bird’s a bit of Rand-ie, maybe, with the film’s ideas about talent and exceptionalism. Hey, at least it’s an ethos. - DirectorJay ChapmanStarsKeith LucasKenneth LucasDeadpan twin comics Keith and Kenny Lucas take the stage in Brooklyn with a set that touches on drugs, race, Deion Sanders, teachers and O.J. Simpson.These guys are hilarious. Deadpan stream of altered consciousness, alternately winningly absurd and achingly profound. Nobody can drop an apologetic but hilarious onslaught of OJ Simpson jokes like the Lucas bros.
Not a fan of the animated epilogue. To each his own. - DirectorHae Young JungYoung Kyun ParkJhonen VasquezStarsRichard Steven HorvitzRikki SimonsAndy BermanZIM discovers his almighty leaders never had any intention of coming to Earth and he loses confidence in himself for the first time in his life, which is the big break his human nemesis, Dib has been waiting for.I wish this story had been told over the course of a season, even a short one. Lots of big events and character changes don’t get the time they need to breathe. Dib bounces back from a debilitating bout of screen addiction too easily. Zim finally countenances the insignificance of his mission to the Allmighty Tallest and falls into a despondency we don’t get to explore as fully as we should. Like one of the Futurama movies, it rushes through gags and and plot beats and nothing gets the time it needs to have an impact. And Gaz doesn’t really get her due here, either; she actually gives Dib a pep talk when the chips are down, and THAT’S NOT MY GAZ! Has some pretty great moments, though! It opens with a terrific anime recap, in which heroic narrator Dib squares off against a legit scary-looking Zim and his robot minions. As we enter the florpus, reality shifts and the animation flickers through an impressive series of style changes. Dib’s new dad is great, and fans of Mini-Moose shan’t be disappointed. Hopefully this will lead to some new episodes down the the line.
- DirectorJoe DanteStarsKirsten DunstGregory SmithDavid CrossWhen missile technology is used to enhance toy action figures, the toys soon begin to take their battle programming too seriously.Inferior toys-run-amuck feature from Joe Dante does itself no favors by strongly recalling his Gremlins movies. The toys, rendered intermittently by CGI, look only occasionally dodgy but are never especially scary. Lots of gratingly wacky ADR from a startlingly famous voice cast guarantees that they're never especially funny either. The live action cast is hamstrung by a flat script and by the substantial challenge of trying to look like they're threatened by these tiny adversaries.
- DirectorAnthony HickoxStarsZach GalliganDeborah ForemanJennifer BasseyA wax museum owner uses his horror exhibits to unleash evil on the world.A trip to a supernatural wax museum traps a handful of obnoxious college students in half-baked horror movie scenarios. At times it feels like it’s trying to be a spoof, with an ending that recalls that of “Blazing Saddles”. But to be a spoof it should be funny, hm?
- DirectorVince GilliganStarsAaron PaulJonathan BanksMatt JonesFugitive Jesse Pinkman runs from his captors, the law, and his past.
- DirectorSteve RashStarsPauly ShoreCarla GuginoLane SmithHaving gotten a taste of college life, a drastically changed farm girl returns home for Thanksgiving break with her best friend, a flamboyant party animal who is clearly a fish out of water in a small farm town.Caught a bit of this on tv. Not my bag
- DirectorAngus MacLaneStarsTom HanksTim AllenJoan CusackWoody and the gang are held up at a roadside motel and members of the group start to disappear. Woody sets about getting to the bottom of the mystery.Middling short. Has its moments. Carl Weathers as Combat Carls junior and senior is funny. Some dumb genre commentary from Mr Pricklepants grates.
- DirectorDick RichardsStarsRobert MitchumCharlotte RamplingJohn IrelandLos Angeles private eye Philip Marlowe is hired by paroled convict Moose Malloy to find his girlfriend Velma, former seedy nightclub dancer.Bogged down with excess narration and gumshoe dialog that just sounds tired. Also, some unsubtle lines to establish the period, as when a newsy asks Marlowe "Whaddaya think about this Hitler character?" or something.
- DirectorJonas ÅkerlundStarsJason SchwartzmanJohn LeguizamoPatrick FugitA drug dealer introduces one of his customers, a 'speed freak', to the man who runs the meth lab. A crazy three-day adventure ensues.Not sure why I watched this again. It’s too misanthropic and glib to invest in the characters, and too frenetic to enjoy on any level.
If you were to want to see this, whatever the reason, avoid watching it on Amazon Prime, where it is haphazardly censored. - DirectorBrian Volk-WeissStarsJoel McHaleThe host of The Soup & star of the show, Community, brings you his first stand-up special. He discusses everything from feeding alligators in the south to wanting to change the San Francisco 49er's name to something a little more relevant.
- DirectorColm McCarthyStarsSennia NanuaFisayo AkinadeDominique TipperA scientist and a teacher living in a dystopian future embark on a journey of survival with a special young girl named Melanie.Not bad for a YA zombie flick. Nothing amazing though
- DirectorChris ColumbusStarsLogan LermanKevin McKiddSteve CooganA teenager discovers he's the descendant of a Greek god and sets out on an adventure to settle an on-going battle between the gods.
- DirectorBlake EdwardsStarsPeter SellersElke SommerGeorge SandersInspector Clouseau falls in love with a murder suspect and tries to clear her name.