Schlock Talk Episodes
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- DirectorKazuo 'Gaira' KomizuStarsMegumi OzawaAyako IshiiSeira KitagawaA tortured and raped young girl mutates into a penis-headed demon and mutilates her captors.'Oh, Japan! This mishmash of Yakuza thriller and horror flick (English title: 'Entrails of a Beautiful Woman') has a little bit of everything- rape, tentacles, strange designer drugs (Angeluh Rainu!) and a hermaphroditic monster. Not for the faint of heart, but well worth watching, if you have the 'guts'.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeY_IZFy4XI - DirectorBruce D. ClarkStarsEdward AlbertErin MoranRay WalstonA ragtag spaceship crew sent on a rescue mission encounter a formidable enemy, their worst fears projected by their own imaginations.A collection of once famous and never were famous stars, in a $20 "Alien" ripoff? Count us in! Probably most infamous for its "maggot" scene, this 'Galaxy of Terror is a lot of things, but boring (as well tasteful, thoughtful, intelligent, or well made) is not one of them...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lykIb6e4C70 - DirectorBryan JohnsonStarsBrian O'HalloranBryan JohnsonJerry LewkowitzA man who performs as a children's birthday party clown tries to piece his life back together after being gang-raped.Truly a love letter to the awfulness of Brian O'Halloran, and even more so, to the New Jersey crapfests Kevin Smith has been foisting on the world for a couple of decades now. Is it wrong to be happy that terrible things are happening to this movie's hero? Watch it and decide for yourself. Better yet, instead, go get a tooth pulled, sans painkillers, and count yourself lucky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iv8O3Lr5X2w - DirectorGil BettmanStarsJohn StamosVanityGene SimmonsAfter a top-secret agent is murdered, his estranged son, a high-school gymnast, teams up with his dad's attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him and now plans a major terrorist attack.Amazingly, 'Never too Young to Die' has not been released on video since 1986. In Japan. On laser disk. Someday, people will re-discover this awesome 80's flick, about a teenage secret agent who is fighting against a hermaphrodite played by Gene Simmons(!), to prevent him from contaminating L.A.'s water supply with radioactive waste! Don't be fooled by my description sounding somewhat sane, 'Never too Young to Die' is anything but!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yi1nX4JXk4Y - DirectorUmberto LenziStarsGiovanni Lombardo RadiceLorraine De SelleDanilo MatteiThree friends set out to disprove cannibalism on a trip to the Amazonian jungle, where they meet two men trying to escape a vicious cannibal tribe.While not as "good" as the ultimate Italian cannibal flick, 'Cannibal Holocaust', 'Ferox' is at least a little less grim and a little more fun than that "classic" of the genre. And by "a little", I mean 'Cannibal Ferox' gives you an 11% chance of keeping your lunch down, and 'Holocaust' gives you none!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsXpcP8K6NM - DirectorChih-Hung KueiStarsPhillip KoShao-Yen LinKar-Man WaiWhile in Thailand to avenge his brother who was crippled in a fight with a corrupt Thai boxer, a man gets caught up in a web of fate, Buddhism and black magic.On a scale of one to ten, on a meter that measures insanity, 'Boxer's Omen' is all the way to the right, well into the red. What starts as a kickboxing movie quickly becomes... something else. I would try and describe the magic battles, strange "Buddhist" ceremonies, and over all *beep* but I wouldn't do it justice, and I would hate to ruin the fun for everyone else.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiwTNXLJmU - DirectorDon EdmondsStarsDyanne ThorneMax ThayerJerry DelonyIn the vast deserts of the Middle East, lascivious harem keeper Ilsa joins the sex-trafficking ring of a maniacal sheikh who imports helpless female slaves for his perverse amusement.While this is considered to be the best of the Ilsa movies, it is also considered to be terrible. With all apologies to 'Kids in the Hall, this movie improbably takes place after Ilsa was She-Wolfing it up for the S.S. Dyanne Thorne is back in all her buxom, ball busting beauty, but nearly every bit as evil as she was before!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i11rjt5eQb0 - DirectorHéctor OliveraStarsLana ClarksonKatt SheaFrank ZagarinoA sword-wielding warrior, Amethea, and a few companions embark on a life-or-death mission to liberate her people from the clutches of a brutal monarch who destroyed her village and enslaved her people.Probably the most straight forward and normal movie that has been covered by Schlock Talk yet, and there's a rape 20 seconds in, and PRIOR to the credits! Filled wall to wall with bodacious babes, sword fights, and epic awesomeness, it almost makes you forget that Phil Spector would later murder star and legitimate superbabe, Lana Clarkson.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LypghfUEK1E - DirectorEddie NicartStarsWeng WengYehlen CatralCarmi MartinThe diminutive Agent 00 must rescue a kidnapped scientist and stop a mysterious warlord from taking over the world.Has there ever been anyone more cool than Weng Weng, like, EVER ever? He's 3 feet tall, has a slightly modified Ramones haircut, and kicks evil henchmen in the balls. All. The. Time. A true mini masterpiece if there ever was one, 'For Y'ur Height Only' is like a James Bond movie, only more plausible!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roVD7RSnHPs - DirectorDavid A. PriorStarsCameron MitchellTroy DonahueTed PriorA group of sadistic mercenaries kidnap people off the streets and set them loose on the grounds of their secret camp, so the "students" at the camp can learn how to track down and kill their prey.The toughest dude of all timez homicides his way through a Rambo Academy, one stealth kill or grenade down the pants at a time. Once the world's roughest group of mercenary interns capture his wife, it's *really* on, cuz even if she doesn't necessarily brain so well, she knows how to fill out a pair of high waisted coolots! With a little help from his father in law, the reliably awful Cameron Mitchell, and the guy he fought with in 'Nam when they were both pre-teens, can Mike avenge the fallen by murdering the murderers? Daaaaaannnnntoooonnnn!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54kcDeRLK7E - DirectorAmir ShervanStarsRobert Z'DarMathew KaredasJanis FarleyJoe Marshall and Frank Washington are two tenacious police detectives who seek at all costs to stop the Katana, a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers who want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles.Samurai Cop Joe Morgan comes from San Diego to LA to help take down the Katana Gang. While doing so, we learn that he likes to make love with his underwear ON, that he speaks fluent Japanese, just not during any parts of the production when the camera was running, and that Fred Armisen likely was a drug runner in southern California in the late 80's. And also about ten years older than he is today.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPcJrcIQBZw - DirectorGreydon ClarkStarsGeorge KennedyAlex CordClu GulagerA cat infected with a genetically engineered virus escapes from a lab and goes on a killing spree, finding its way onboard a shady businessman's yacht loaded with young guests.It's the horror version of a turducken! When horny spring break teens con their way onto a yacht excursion from Fort Lauderdale to the caribbean, and accidentally bring the world's 73rd deadliest lab experiment mutant along with them, consequences will never be the same! What about that turducken you ask? Dude. We put a squirrel. A RABID squirrel. In a CAT!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJRoPc_N5tc - DirectorHerman YauStarsAnthony Chau-Sang WongYeung-Ming WanFui-On ShingA Chinese restaurant worker wanted for murder in Hong Kong contracts Ebola in South Africa, becomes immune to it, and unknowingly spreads the virus there, then comes back to Hong Kong and continues to infect people with it.Surely a multicultural movie if there ever was one. While 'Ebola Syndrome' is highly offensive, it sprays its horribleness across multiple continents, splashing Africans, Asians, and Caucasians with equal portions of its hot, steamy ghastliness. Cannibalism, rape, and uh... "cultural insensitivity" are all on the menu at a restaurant where you definitely do NOT want to sample the delicacies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxIf7T5Tkvw - DirectorRicou BrowningStarsRichard JaeckelRon SlinkerLloyd BochnerHeads roll as two cops, Chuck and Andy, go against Mr. D'Angelo, the biggest drug dealer in Florida, and his ruthless enforcer Fred, who has no legs but does have two mean double barrel shotguns built into his wheelchair.So there's a guy in this movie, and he's got no legs. And he's a dude, so "Mr." is accurate. The problem is, if you name a movie after a relatively minor character who is in about 10% of your film, and he's the selling point of what is an otherwise cruddy, low budget crime movie, maybe you should start calling yourself 'Director Giant Balls', because you had to know how bad you were gonna piss people off...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfR8nhanqcE - DirectorAndy SidarisStarsRonn MossDona SpeirHope Marie CarltonIn Hawaii, an undercover DEA agent and her civilian friend stumble upon a drug trafficking operation, and have to enlist the help of all their colleagues/friends to go after the vicious drug kingpin.Whatever you do, if you have to transport snakes around Hawaii, make sure you don't also accidentally recover illicit diamonds from a remote control helicopter unless you are in an all-girl anti-narcotics squad and also know at least two buff dudes who can back you up in the karate, bazooka, and budoir departments. If you take any lesson from 'Hard Ticket to Hawaii' I think that's the most important one. Also, razor frisbies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6dMc7P7bjo - DirectorCullen BlaineStarsMargaret TriggRichard GessweinJayne SmithRobotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. A prototype robot intended for crime combat escapes from the development lab and goes on a killing rampage.Considered one of the worst movies ever made, 'R.O.T.O.R.' isn't so much 'so bad it's good', but so terrible, it mostly borders on being fully unwatchable, and we at Schlock Talk have seen 'Vulgar' and 'Mr. No Legs'- and taken notes! 'R.O.T.O.R.' is wacky, sure, but mostly it's just a series of phone calls, some of which are also ABOUT phone calls. If Schlock Talk never has to type that unwieldy title again, it'll be too soon!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyRktK3sUog - DirectorLuigi CozziStarsMarjoe GortnerCaroline MunroChristopher PlummerAn outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.If 'Star Wars' was made by Giorgioni Lucasino, it might have looked something like 'Starcrash', an Italian ripoff of the cultural phenomenon. 'Starcrash' was produced for about half the budget of 'Star Wars', but you have to wonder where all that money went. Somehow, Christopher Plummer is the Emperor of the First Ring of the Universe, and the only possible explanation is that either A) He got all of the money in the budget, or B) Someone had a copy of a snuff movie he produced, and used it to blackmail him into appearing in 'Starcrash'.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwUSgJWPa8k - DirectorBrian Trenchard-SmithStarsWarwick DavisBrent JasmerJessica CollinsOur deadly leprechaun is in space to woo a beautiful princess who is impressed with his gold and desires to separate him from it.On 'Life's too Short', Warwick Davis' life is made out to look kinda terrible. Thing is, if you take 'Leprechaun 4: In Space' into account, it seems SO MUCH WORSE! In all honesty, 'L4:IS', as we in the Schlock biz like to call it, is insanely entertaining. Another Brian Trenchard-Smith masterpiece, of crazy visual non-sequiturs, rip offs of ostensibly better films (I'm looking at you, 'Aliens') and one homicidal munchkin's quest for his pot 'o' gold... in space. Because THAT makes sense.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zT7gOFhyFRw - DirectorPeter MedakStarsNatasha HenstridgeMichael MadsenMarg HelgenbergerAn astronaut gets infected with alien DNA during the first mission on Mars and runs amok on earth. Preston and Laura team up with a peaceful, genetically re-engineered Sil to track the monster down.The not-at-all true story of one man's goal to have the biggest child support payment of all time, or at least to be an interstellar Shawn Kemp. Despite the entire first film being about killing the evil space slut, Sil, part two finds all the lesser known actors from part one having cloned her for "scientific" study and putting in the cyclotron. Yes, that happens in 'Species 2' along with Bubba from 'Forrest Gump' going Kunta Kinte on someone's ass, and Mr. Blonde spending most of the movie putting on and taking off his 'deal with it' shades.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ngde3_sk2UY - DirectorAndrea MarforiStarsCoralina Cataldi-TassoniDiego RibonLuciano CrovatoThe story of a hideous monster who takes the form of a beautiful, seductive woman who in a torrent of special effects, beauty and monster transform into a climax of pure evil. For years this monster woman has cursed a small village, and to this day her deadly grasps holds the peaceful residents in fear. This ferocious, feminine fury possesses a shocking sensual appetite and she can only satisfy her lust when passion consumes her, by striking where a man is most vulnerable.... and the results are deadly!Also known as 'Evil Clutch', this is alegedly an 'Evil Dead' ripoff, with a Euro flare, but is even more likely the most poorly filmed movie ever made about hiking in the woods. There are vampires (I guess), zombies (sort of), and a wagon wheel that is in half the scenes that don't involve people walking aimlessly, so, like, eleven. There are viewers for whom the chainsaw scene and cuckoo clock with a human face that spits blood make this a must-watch. Of course, those are the sort of people we can blame for ethnic cleansing, hangnails, and Aerosmith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5U9JMy-igk - DirectorPeter ManoogianStarsPaul SatterfieldHamilton CampClaudia ChristianA human becomes an unlikely rising star in the biggest fighting tournament in the galaxy that's dominated by alien species.Not totally sure how this one made it onto Schlock Talk. Well, okay- it's about a blonde Christopher Reeve who is neither crippled, or, more importantly dead, fighting big rubber monsters in boxing matches. SPACE boxing matches. But those monsters look pretty sweet, the acting is passable, and bad girl 'Jade' nearly approaches Dawn Dunlap hotness territory. Either way, we at Schlock Talk all agreed we'd take her over the gal our hero Steve ends up with. So what if she poisoned him to make him miss a match against intergalactic champion, Horn?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7A9eNL7TzTE - DirectorDanny SteinmannTom DeSimoneStarsLinda BlairJohn VernonRobert DryerA teenage vigilante seeks revenge on a group of violent thugs who raped her handicapped sister and killed her best friend.If there had been girls who looked like Linda Blair when Schlock Talk was in high school, we'd never have left. Of course, most everyone in 'Savage Streets' looks like a 9th year senior, except Linda's sister, played by scream queen legend Linnea Quigley, who is mute in this movie, and is presented as though she is 11 years old. Which makes things extra oogie when she gets, well, gang raped.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY-B7h5DHHQ - DirectorRoger ChristianStarsJohn TravoltaForest WhitakerBarry PepperIt's the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their 'man-animals' are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.It's pretty safe to say the giant, outer space codpiece budget of 'Battlefield Earth' was bigger than the total cost of all the other movies Schlock Talk has done, or ever will do. Of course, this may just be the thetans talking, but Vinnie Barbarino's ode to the philosophy of one L. Ron Hubbard is also WORSE than all the other podcast subjects combined as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukE4kBIovBc - DirectorMichael FischaStarsWilliam BumillerBrenda BakkeMerritt ButrickGruesome deaths begin to occur at a hip Los Angeles health club.Apparently, super mediocre dudes were in high demand in 1989, because the hero of 'Death Spa', Mike, inspires no less than seven straight-up murders, a woman in a wheelchair to push herself to the top of a mountain and set herself on fire, and a computer to run amok in a health spa. Along with this flick, Shari Shattuck becomes the introductory member of the Schlock Talk Hall of Fame, as she also appeared in 'Uninvited' and 'Arena'.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8pJLdWeRuE - DirectorCesare CanevariStarsAdriano MicantoniDaniela PoggiMaristella GrecoA Jewish woman who survived the horrors of a concentration camp revisits the ruins of the camp, along with a former SS officer, and recollects the humiliation, the torture, and the constant abuse she went through.If you are like a lot of people, and still on the fence about this Nazi business, Schlock Talk would like to direct you to 'The Gestapo's Last Orgy'. Despite all the depravity on display in this movie, Schlock Talk was well ahead of the curve, with a healthy disdain for the 3rd Reich, waaaayyy before it was fashionable. And as for this Hitler clown- you sir were a real GOOFBALL!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh2eXt58LWM