Roundup the Funny Suspects
Choose the film with the funniest crooks.
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- DirectorJoseph L. MankiewiczStarsMarlon BrandoJean SimmonsFrank SinatraIn New York, a gambler is challenged to take a cold female missionary to Havana, but they fall for each other, and the bet has a hidden motive to finance a crap game.Big Jule: If it gets around in Chicago that I went to a prayer meeting, no decent person will talk to me!
- DirectorAnders Thomas JensenStarsSøren PilmarkUlrich ThomsenMads MikkelsenA gang of 4 Danish criminals are ordered by Færingen to steal a bag from a safe. When they see DKK4,000,000 in the bag, they keep it for themselves and head for Spain. They end up in a ruin of an old restaurant on Jutland and renovate it.Stefan: Whose blood is it?
Peter: Oh, just some customers'. - DirectorAlexander HallStarsAdolphe MenjouDorothy DellCharles BickfordBookie Sorrowful Jones receives a little girl as an IOU.Sorrowful 'Sir Sorry' Jones: All right, take his marker. A little doll like this is worth twenty bucks any way you look at it.
Regret: Yeah, she ought to melt down for that much. - DirectorGuy RitchieStarsJason StathamBrad PittStephen GrahamUnscrupulous boxing promoters, violent bookmakers, a Russian gangster, incompetent amateur robbers and supposedly Jewish jewelers fight to track down a priceless stolen diamond.Customs official: Anything to declare?
Avi: Yeah. Don't go to England. - DirectorLloyd BaconStarsEdward G. RobinsonJane BryanAllen JenkinsFormer bootlegger Remy Marco has a slight problem with forclosing bankers, a prospective son-in-law, and four hard-to-explain corpses.Remy Marco: Sure, I'm legit. I'm in favor of law and order. But you don't have to have it right in your own house, do you?
- DirectorJohn HustonStarsJack NicholsonKathleen TurnerRobert LoggiaTwo professional assassins fall in love.Irene Walker: Charley, I've been doin' three to four hits a year for the past couple of years, most at full pay.
Charley Partanna: That many?
Irene Walker: Well, it's not many when you consider the size of the population. - DirectorGeorge SidneyStarsKathryn GraysonHoward KeelAnn MillerAn ex-husband and wife team star in a musical version of 'The Taming of the Shrew'; off-stage, the production is troublesome with ex-lovers' quarrels and two gangsters looking for some money owed to them.Bianca: [after Fred Graham kisses her to shut her up] I was just saying "Thank you"!
Slug: How do you suppose she says "You're welcome"? - DirectorHoward HawksStarsGary CooperBarbara StanwyckOscar HomolkaA group of professors working on a new encyclopedia while living in a Manhattan mansion take in a mouthy nightclub singer who is wanted by the police to help bring down her mob boss lover.Joe Lilac: [as the professors draw guns on Joe and his men] What is this?
Prof. Oddly: I believe... I think it is known as an "up-stick". - DirectorFrank CapraStarsGlenn FordBette DavisHope LangeA New York gangster and his girlfriend attempt to turn street beggar Apple Annie into a society lady when the peddler learns her daughter is marrying royalty.Joy Boy: What's with her?
Dave the Dude: Aah, she just wants a bunch of kids.
Joy Boy: Kids? Aw, they're mean when they get on that kick. - DirectorGuy RitchieStarsJason FlemyngDexter FletcherNick MoranEddy persuades his three pals to pool money for a vital poker game against a powerful local mobster, Hatchet Harry. Eddy loses, after which Harry gives him a week to pay back 500,000 pounds.Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit! - DirectorBarry SonnenfeldStarsGene HackmanRene RussoDanny DeVitoA mobster travels to Hollywood to collect a debt, and discovers that the movie business is much the same as his current job.Chili Palmer: That was "Rio Bravo." Robert Mitchum played the drunk in "El Dorado." Dean Martin played the drunk in "Rio Bravo." Basically, it was the same part. Now John Wayne, he did the same in both. He played John Wayne.
Bo Catlett: Man, I can't wait for you to be dead. - DirectorWoody AllenStarsWoody AllenMia FarrowNick Apollo ForteIn his attempts to reconcile a lounge singer with his mistress, a hapless talent agent is mistaken as her lover by a jealous gangster.Tina Vitale: [lost in New Jersey] Hey, wait a minute! I know where we are. These are the flatlands. My husband's friends used to dump bodies here.
Danny Rose: Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest. - DirectorWoody AllenStarsJohn CusackDianne WiestJennifer TillyIn New York in 1928, a struggling playwright is forced to cast a mobster's talentless girlfriend in his latest drama in order to get it produced.Nick: Let's avoid confusion. She'll get some lines, or I'll nail your knee caps to the floor.
- DirectorFrank CapraStarsWarren WilliamMay RobsonGuy KibbeeA gangster tries to make Apple Annie, the Times Square apple seller, a lady for a day.Happy McGuire: That should be a cinch.
Butler: I beg your pardon, Sir.
Happy McGuire: I said that should be a leadpipe cinch!
Butler: If I had choice of weapons with you, Sir, I'd choose grammar! - DirectorAlexander MackendrickStarsAlec GuinnessPeter SellersCecil ParkerFive oddball criminals planning a bank robbery rent rooms on a cul-de-sac from an octogenarian widow under the pretext that they are classical musicians.Professor Marcus: One-Round, there is a wheelbarrow outside, could you fetch it? The Major has a train to catch.
- DirectorJohn FordStarsEdward G. RobinsonJean ArthurArthur HohlA meek milquetoast clerk is mistaken for public enemy N° 1, and the notorious killer takes advantage of the situation.Arthur Ferguson Jones: You know something, a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
- DirectorGordon DouglasStarsFrank SinatraDean MartinSammy Davis Jr.In Prohibition-era Chicago, two rival gangs compete for control of the city's rackets.Robbo: You look like the day they fixed the electricity at the death house.
- DirectorH. Bruce HumberstoneStarsDanny KayeVirginia MayoVera-EllenAfter being murdered by gangsters, an exuberant nightclub entertainer returns as a ghost to persuade his meek twin brother to help bring his killers to justice.Edwin: I don't want to go to Brooklyn. You can't make me. I don't *want* to go to Brooklyn.
Bus Driver: None of us want to, bud, but we all gotta go sooner or later. - DirectorBilly WilderStarsMarilyn MonroeTony CurtisJack LemmonAfter two male musicians witness a mob hit, they flee the state in an all-female band disguised as women, but further complications set in.Joe: We didn't see anything!
Jerry: We didn't hear anything either! - DirectorLloyd BaconStarsEdward G. RobinsonHumphrey BogartAnn SothernWhen retired racket boss John Sarto tries to reclaim his place and former friends try to kill him, he finds solace in a monastery and reinvents himself as a pious monk.Flo Addams: That's Clarence makin' birdcalls. He's awful good.
Clarence P. Fletcher: [makes a hooting sound]
Flo Addams: Want him to impersonate a robin?
Little Johnny Sarto: What'll he do? Eat a worm? - DirectorVincent ShermanStarsHumphrey BogartConrad VeidtKaren VerneRunyonesque Broadway gamblers turn patriotic when they stumble onto a cell of Nazi saboteurs.Sunshine: Shut up, the guy's dead.
Barney: Well, I'm reasonably sorry. - DirectorJack HillStarsPam GrierAntonio FargasPeter BrownA voluptuous vigilante takes a job as a high-class prostitute to get revenge on the mobsters who murdered her boyfriend.Bobbie: Listen skinny, before you start talking tough, I'd better warn you I've got a black belt in karate. So why don't you get out of here quietly, while you still got some teeth left in that ugly face?
[Foxy knocks her down with a barstool]
Foxy Brown: And I've got MY black belt in barstools! - DirectorErle C. KentonStarsBud AbbottLou CostelloPatric KnowlesTwo dumb soda jerks dream of writing radio mysteries. When they try to pitch an idea at a radio station, they end up in the middle of a real murder after the station owner is killed during a broadcast.Chick Larkin: [talking about Juliet Collins] She's only got a couple of buck teeth.
Mervin Q. Milgrim: Why do I care what she paid for them? - DirectorErle C. KentonStarsBud AbbottLou CostelloGrace McDonaldThe horse of a street vendor is replaced by a racehorse.Umbrella Sam: [when asked why he always carries his umbrella, rain or shine] How should I know... I'm a Damon Runyon character!
- DirectorSidney LanfieldFrank TashlinStarsBob HopeMarilyn MaxwellLloyd NolanA New York City swindler has until Christmas to come up with the $10,000 he owes a gangster, prompting him to go into scamming overdrive.Sidney Melbourne: Santy Claus don't drink.
Gloomy Willie: Oh, no? Well, how come he's always falling down chimleys? - DirectorJackie ChanStarsJackie ChanAnita MuiAh-Lei GuaA country boy becomes the head of a gang through the purchase of some lucky roses from an old lady. He and a singer at the gang's nightclub try to do a good deed for the old lady when her daughter comes to visit.Jackie becomes the head of a gang through the purchase of some lucky roses from an old lady.
- DirectorGeorge MarshallStarsDean MartinJerry LewisMarjie MillarWhen Herman promises the mob to fix a racing horse in order to pay off his debts, he selects his veterinarian cousin as a patsy to help him but things go awry.Virgil: Me and my big mouth. I'd get rid of it, except it's such a handy place to keep my teeth.
- DirectorPeter CollinsonStarsMichael CaineNoël CowardBenny HillA comic caper movie about a plan to steal a gold shipment from the streets of Turin by creating a traffic jam.Keats: They say he's going to do a job in Italy.
Mr. Bridger: Well, I hope he likes spaghetti. They serve it four times a day in the Italian prisons. - DirectorWoody AllenStarsSean PennSamantha MortonWoody AllenIn the 1930s, jazz guitarist Emmet Ray idolizes Django Reinhardt, faces gangsters and falls in love with a mute woman.Blanche: Do you get a bigger kick doing this, or stealing small objects?
- DirectorJohn HustonStarsHumphrey BogartJennifer JonesGina LollobrigidaOn their way to Africa are a group of rogues who hope to get rich there, and a seemingly innocent British couple. They meet and things happen...Ahmed: Your demands are very great, under the circumstances.
Billy Dannreuther: Why shouldn't they be? Fat Gut's my best friend, and I will not betray him cheaply. - DirectorShane BlackStarsRobert Downey Jr.Val KilmerMichelle MonaghanAfter being mistaken for an actor, a New York thief is sent to Hollywood to train under a private eye for a potential movie role, but the duo are thrown together with a struggling actress into a murder mystery.Perry: You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.
- DirectorFisher StevensStarsAl PacinoChristopher WalkenAlan ArkinA pair of aging stickup men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah before one of the guys takes his last assignment - to kill his comrade.Doc: [stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.
Val: Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas. - DirectorCharles CrichtonJohn CleeseStarsJohn CleeseJamie Lee CurtisKevin KlineIn London, four very different people team up on a jewel heist, then try to double-cross one another for the loot, complicated by their efforts to fool a very proper barrister.Wendy: Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.
Otto: If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..." - DirectorEthan CoenJoel CoenStarsBrad PittFrances McDormandGeorge ClooneyA disk containing mysterious information from a CIA agent ends up in the hands of two unscrupulous and daft gym employees who attempt to sell it.Osbourne Cox: If you ever carried out your proposed threat you would experience such a *beep* of consequences my friend your empty little head would be spinning faster than the wheels of your Schwinn bicycle back there.
Chad Feldheimer: Y-you think that's a Schwinn? - DirectorJoel CoenEthan CoenStarsJeff BridgesJohn GoodmanJulianne MooreJeff "The Dude" Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire of the same name, seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling buddies to help get it.The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.