Every Movie I've Ever Watched #3
Summer 2020 - Spring 2021
List started 6-16-2020.
List started 6-16-2020.
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- DirectorMel StuartStarsGene WilderJack AlbertsonPeter OstrumA poor but hopeful boy seeks one of the five coveted golden tickets that will send him on a tour of Willy Wonka's mysterious chocolate factory.I think it may have a bit messed up of a moral compass, but I can't deny a masterpiece.
- DirectorTim BurtonStarsJohnny DeppFreddie HighmoreDavid KellyCharlie, a young boy from an impoverished family, and four other kids win a tour of an amazing chocolate factory run by an imaginative chocolatier, Willy Wonka, and his staff of Oompa-Loompas.Embarrassing, disgusting, self-indulgent, disturbing, vain, pointless, and awful.
- DirectorEdgar WrightStarsSimon PeggNick FrostKate AshfieldThe uneventful, aimless lives of a London electronics salesman and his layabout roommate are disrupted by the zombie apocalypse.Already on EMIEW #1.
- DirectorPeter CattaneoStarsRobert CarlyleTom WilkinsonMark AddySix unemployed steel workers form a male striptease act. The women cheer them on to go for "the full monty" - total nudity.A full movie.
- DirectorChristopher NolanStarsLeonardo DiCaprioJoseph Gordon-LevittElliot PageA thief who steals corporate secrets through the use of dream-sharing technology is given the inverse task of planting an idea into the mind of a C.E.O., but his tragic past may doom the project and his team to disaster.Awesome effects, awesome storytelling, great ending.
- DirectorChris AddisonStarsAnne HathawayRebel WilsonAlex SharpTwo con women - one low rent and the other high class - team up to take down the men who have wronged them.Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson's vacation in Spain. The most puzzling things about this is the way jokes are delivered, as nothing else abut the film tries to sell you on the joke. Oh, and twice it feels like the movie is about to end and it doesn't, for whatever reason. The premise is enjoyable, but I have the feeling that Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Bedtime Story are where I'd want to look for it first.
- DirectorThomas KailStarsLin-Manuel MirandaPhillipa SooLeslie Odom Jr.The real life of one of America's foremost founding fathers and first Secretary of the Treasury, Alexander Hamilton. Captured live on Broadway from the Richard Rodgers Theater with the original Broadway cast.I have too many 10's on this list so far. Oh well!
- DirectorSergio LeoneStarsClint EastwoodLee Van CleefGian Maria VolontèTwo bounty hunters with the same intentions team up to track down a gang of outlaws led by a psychotic Mexican bandit, who is plotting an audacious bank robbery.Definitely stronger than A Fistful of Dollars. It introduces the characters and plot of the film much faster, and the three leads are much more engaging to watch "bounce" off one another. I still can't completely embrace the appeal of these Westerns, even though I have enjoyed them.
- DirectorSteven SoderberghStarsGeorge ClooneyBrad PittJulia RobertsDanny Ocean and his ten accomplices plan to rob three Las Vegas casinos simultaneously.Fairly funny, felt well-paced and interesting, but Ocean's ex-wife getting back with was absolutely laughable.
- DirectorJeff FowlerStarsBen SchwartzJames MarsdenJim CarreyAfter discovering a small, blue, fast hedgehog, a small-town police officer must help him defeat an evil genius who wants to do experiments on him.Fairly unmemorable, but goofy and competent. Not much more worth discussing, honestly.
- DirectorGore VerbinskiStarsJohnny DeppGeoffrey RushOrlando BloomBlacksmith Will Turner teams up with eccentric pirate "Captain" Jack Sparrow to save his love, the governor's daughter, from Jack's former pirate allies, who are now undead.Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
- DirectorMichael MannStarsDaniel Day-LewisMadeleine StoweRussell MeansThree trappers protect the daughters of a British Colonel in the midst of the French and Indian War.Director's Definitive Cut
Remarkable visual storytelling and sound design, I just wish that the story it was telling had just a little bit of 300% more substance to it. - DirectorAaron HorvathPeter Rida MichailStarsGreg CipesScott MenvilleKhary PaytonA villain's maniacal plan for world domination sidetracks five teenage superheroes who dream of Hollywood stardom.Lazy concept, lot of lazy jokes, but with some nice animation and some music that's good (and some's not). In conclusion, it's Teen Titans Go, but if it were good, which isn't actually too good.
- DirectorJeff MednikowStarsGreg CipesRhys DarbyGrey GriffinThe comedic Teen Titans of Teen Titans Go. Take on their serious counterparts when villains from each of their worlds team up to pit the two Titan teams against each other.It's literally just Turtles Forever, verbatim. Still better than the normal show, by the inclusion of a narrative.
- DirectorBob BowenStarsVincent MartellaDee Bradley BakerAshley TisdaleThe famed stepbrother inventors know what they're gonna do today. They're gonna rescue their sister from an alien abduction.Good music, other Phineas and Ferb movies were better.
- DirectorPhillip J. RothStarsKen OlandtKristen DaltonAdam BaldwinAn out-of-control robot is inadvertently set loose in a small community, and a crack squad of soldiers are sent to hunt it down. Gradually, the members of the squad begin to suspect that some of them are robots.Very man.
- DirectorKinka UsherStarsBen StillerJaneane GarofaloWilliam H. MacyA group of inept amateur superheroes must try to save the day when a supervillain threatens to destroy a major superhero and the city.Ooh, quite funny. Also, uh, the Bowler is straight-up just Lindsay Ellis, for some reason.
- DirectorTetsuro TakeuchiStarsGuitar WolfDrum WolfBass WolfOnly legendary Japanese garage rock band Guitar Wolf can stand between a race of aliens from destroying earth with an army of zombies.Absolute nonsense baloney. The funniest part of the movie is how absurdly long shots last for. Truly a ride that never ends.
- DirectorJon M. ChuStarsConstance WuHenry GoldingMichelle YeohThis contemporary romantic comedy based on a global bestseller follows native New Yorker Rachel Chu to Singapore to meet her boyfriend's family.It was fine. I was admittedly on my phone the whole time, but the whole thing never felt like it built up to enough to wow me.
- DirectorJack RegasStarsKenneth MarsLoretta SwitLesley Ann WarrenTV adaptation of the campy 1960s Broadway musical concerning a mad scientist who enlists a rival reporter and a group of gangsters to push the Man of Steel into a mental breakdown.Laughably wacky, it left me in awe an with a great big smile on my face.
- DirectorHarry BradbeerStarsMillie Bobby BrownHenry CavillSam ClaflinWhen Enola Holmes (Sherlock's teen sister) discovers her mother is missing, she endeavours to find her, becoming a super-sleuth in her own right as she outwits her famous brother and unravels a dangerous conspiracy.Perfectly pleasant the whole way through, but has quite the reliance on coincidences and characters being able to find each other in the city of London.
- DirectorJohn R. Cherry IIIStarsJim VarneyEartha KittAustin NaglerErnest accidentally unleashes an ugly troll that plots to transform children into wooden dolls in the town of Briarville, Missouri.Every scene and gag dragged on way too long, and Ernest was never that funny. I really liked the set design, though, and Rimshot the dog was of course cute.
- DirectorJames SignorelliStarsCassandra PetersonPhil RubensteinLarry Flash Jenkins"Elvira: Mistress of the Dark" is a 1988 comedy, horror movie - upon arriving in a small town where Elvira has inherited a rundown mansion, the famous horror host must battle an evil uncle, and townspeople who want her burned at the stake.Man, I honestly really liked Elvira as a character in this film. It was certainly less boring than a lot of other bad movies I've seen.
- DirectorJim StenstrumStarsScott InnesMary Kay BergmanFrank WelkerScooby-Doo and the Mystery Gang visit Oakhaven, Massachusetts to seek strange goings on involving a famous horror novelist and his ancestor who is rumored be a witch.This feels like two movies spliced together, a boring episode of Scooby-Doo followed by a witch fight. I mean, it's at least competent, and of course we stan Hex Girls, but it's not the most impressive film, really.
- DirectorAlfred HitchcockStarsJames StewartGrace KellyWendell CoreyA wheelchair-bound photographer spies on his neighbors from his Greenwich Village courtyard apartment window and, despite the skepticism of his fashion-model girlfriend, becomes convinced one of them has committed murder.My first Hitchcock! Man, lots of cool stuff with this one, from the ultra small setting, to the way the characters bond, to how the mystery as a whole is presented, all the way to the finale dripping with suspense. Good stuff, good stuff.
- DirectorBill MelendezStarsPeter RobbinsChristopher SheaSally DryerThe Peanuts gang celebrates Halloween while Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin.A classic.
- DirectorHenry SelickStarsDanny ElfmanChris SarandonCatherine O'HaraJack Skellington, king of Halloween Town, discovers Christmas Town, but his attempts to bring Christmas to his home causes confusion.Already on EMIEW #2.
- DirectorAdam RifkinStarsCharlie SheenKristy SwansonHenry RollinsEscaped convict Jack Hammond takes a woman hostage and sets off for the Mexican border with the police hot on his tail.A fun satire about news media and police violence. Uh, the film is unironically good, except for that terrible make out scene at 80 mph.
- DirectorLarry CharlesStarsSacha Baron CohenKen DavitianLuenellKazakh TV talking head Borat is dispatched to the United States to report on the greatest country in the world.Horribly offensive, but more importantly, offensively boring. I didn't laugh a single time. Maybe it was innovative back in 2006, but the Eric Andre show and, like, Internet culture in general have completely replaced the novelty of this film.
- DirectorJames WongStarsJustin ChatwinJames MarstersChow Yun-FatThe young warrior Son Goku sets out on a quest, racing against time and the vengeful King Piccolo, to collect a set of seven magical orbs that will grant their wielder unlimited power.Laughably generic, and a lousy adaptation, but in a fun, goofy way that never takes itself too seriously.
- DirectorBrett RatnerStarsJackie ChanChris TuckerKen LeungA loyal and dedicated Hong Kong Inspector teams up with a reckless and loudmouthed L.A.P.D. detective to rescue the Chinese Consul's kidnapped daughter, while trying to arrest a dangerous crime lord along the way.It do be the funny cop comedy with cool Jackie Chan stunts.
- DirectorLisa GottliebStarsJoyce HyserClayton RohnerBilly JayneTerry feels discriminated against when the summer jobs at the Sun Tribune go to two guys. She decides to do something about it. She dresses like a guy and gets a haircut. Will students at the other high school notice? Girls notice "him".Nothing too incredible, but highly quotable.
- DirectorBill MelendezPhil RomanStarsTodd BarbeeRobin KohnStephen SheaPeppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving, and with Linus, Snoopy, and Woodstock, he attempts to throw together a Thanksgiving dinner.Mostly Snoopy antics.
- DirectorDavid E. TalbertStarsForest WhitakerKeegan-Michael KeyHugh BonnevilleAn imaginary world comes to life in a holiday tale of an eccentric toymaker, his adventurous granddaughter, and a magical invention that has the power to change their lives forever.Did not hold my attention at all. The songs felt as unmemorable as The Greatest Showman's, over half the characters were largely pointless, and there is no reason for it being 2 hours. The visuals and costumes were all magnificent, though.
- DirectorSteve BinderDavid AcombaStarsMickey MortonPatty MaloneyPaul GaleChewbacca and Han Solo try to get to the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, but are impeded by an Imperial blockade. Chewie's family passes the time with various forms of entertainment.Unwatchably pointless. Hilariously devoid of meaning.
- DirectorKen CunninghamStarsA.J. LoCascioAnthony DanielsBen PrendergastRey leaves her friends to prepare for Life Day as she sets off on an adventure to gain a deeper knowledge of the Force. At a mysterious temple, she is hurled into a cross-timeline adventure. Will she make it back in time for Life Day?I applied for a job instead of paying attention to the movie. Uh, anyways, Rey's VA did not care at all, but at least there was Robot Chicken Palpatine.
- DirectorDwayne Carey-HillStarsBilly WestKatey SagalJohn DiMaggioPlanet Express sees a hostile takeover and Bender falls into the hands of criminals where he is used to fulfill their schemes.A Futurama love letter, following your usual unpredictable Futurama plot structure. Tons of fun, even though I'd say the beginning slightly drags.
- DirectorPeter AvanzinoStarsBilly WestKatey SagalJohn DiMaggioThe Planet Express crew discovers a tentacle-covered, planet-sized alien that wishes to copulate with it all the inhabitants of Earth.Futurama continues to prove it can work with 90-minute episode.
- DirectorRyan MurphyStarsMeryl StreepJames CordenNicole KidmanA troupe of hilariously self-obsessed theater stars swarm into a small conservative Indiana town in support of a high-school girl who wants to take her girlfriend to the prom.Dee Dee is the main character, not Emma. Also, Alyssa Greene is just Little Miss Perfect.
Uh, there were enough songs that had me slightly rolling my eyes that it was unsatisfying. Also, Emma and Alyssa's relationship was, like, hardly a part of the film.
Also, it has James Corden in it. - DirectorDwayne Carey-HillStarsBilly WestKatey SagalJohn DiMaggioThe Planet Express crew get trapped in a fantasy world.Weeeaaak. The fact that the entire plot changes halfway through should speak for itself. The other two films have felt like great big Futurama celebrations, while this one was just a lengthy lame episode that I just kept waiting to finish.
- DirectorSergio PablosCarlos Martínez LópezStarsJason SchwartzmanJ.K. SimmonsRashida JonesA simple act of kindness always sparks another, even in a frozen, faraway place. When Smeerensburg's new postman, Jesper, befriends toymaker Klaus, their gifts melt an age-old feud and deliver a sleigh full of holiday traditions.If I had a nickel for every Santa origin story movie with a schoolteacher as a main character, I would have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but's weird that it happened twice.
- DirectorPatty JenkinsStarsGal GadotChris PineKristen WiigDiana must contend with a work colleague, and with a businessman whose desire for extreme wealth sends the world down a path of destruction, after an ancient artifact that grants wishes goes missing.The movie is at its best when it's at its most ludicrous, but it's also at these points that the entire movie is at its flimsiest.
Also, the introduction was unbearably slow. - DirectorMartin ScorseseStarsRobert De NiroRay LiottaJoe PesciThe story of Henry Hill and his life in the mafia, covering his relationship with his wife Karen and his mob partners Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito.True crime be freaky.
- DirectorPete DocterKemp PowersStarsJamie FoxxTina FeyGraham NortonJoe is a middle-school band teacher whose life hasn't quite gone the way he expected. His true passion is jazz. But when he travels to another realm to help someone find their passion, he soon discovers what it means to have soul.I can't really verbalize where Joe is at the beginning of the movie versus at the end, but I think it was expertly communicated on an emotional level.
- DirectorStephen HerekStarsGlenn CloseJeff DanielsJoely RichardsonAn evil high-fashion designer plots to steal dalmatian puppies in order to make an extravagant fur coat but creates an extravagant mess instead.This entire movie is just the audience waiting for the next scene with Cruella, House, or Arthur Weasley.
- DirectorCamillo TetiStarsLisa RussoMark Thompson-AshworthGisella MathewsA Cinderella meets her Prince Charming on the ill-fated Titanic. Along for the ride are a rapping dog, other talking animals, and an assortment of wacky humans.Continues it does.
- DirectorKim Jun OkStarsJane AlexanderManfredi AliquoRodolfo BianchiA group of friends find themselves inside a bathysphere and awake in Atlantis. With the help of the King of Atlantis, they do their best to recover the Titanic.Tentacoolino
Nothing happens in this movie. - DirectorJoss WhedonStarsRobert Downey Jr.Chris EvansMark RuffaloWhen Tony Stark and Bruce Banner try to jump-start a dormant peacekeeping program called Ultron, things go horribly wrong and it's up to Earth's mightiest heroes to stop the villainous Ultron from enacting his terrible plan.Sticks out like a sore thumb amongst all the other Marvel movies. Weird. At least it's competent, but there's really not much of a reason to watch this one beyond what it contributes to the rest of the series.
- DirectorMotonori SakakibaraTetsuo YajimaKunihiko YuyamaStarsSarah NatochennyDan GreenBill RogersAfter a scientific experiment leads to the creation of a clone of Mewtwo, he sets out to destroy the world. Ash and his friends then decide to thwart Mewtwo's evil plans.Mewtwo Strikes Back already only holds up due to nostalgia alone; remaking it leaves you with a faulty imitation of a not stellar story.
Uh, but Shellshocker was in it, so that's cool. - DirectorEdgar WrightStarsMichael CeraMary Elizabeth WinsteadKieran CulkinIn a magically realistic version of Toronto, a young man must defeat his new girlfriend's seven evil exes one by one in order to win her heart.On previous list.
- DirectorJames BobinStarsIsabela MercedEugenio DerbezMichael PeñaTeenage explorer Dora leads her friends on an adventure to save her parents and solve the mystery behind a lost city of gold.On previous list.
- DirectorEdgar WrightStarsSimon PeggNick FrostMartin FreemanFive friends who reunite in an attempt to top their epic pub crawl from twenty years earlier unwittingly become humanity's only hope for survival.On previous list.
- DirectorColin HigginsStarsJane FondaLily TomlinDolly PartonThree female employees of a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot find a way to turn the tables on him.Great comedy, loved the characters.
Man, I do not have the passion to go and summarize what I like about movies in quick little snippets. Uh, I'd describe it as the reverse Heathers? - DirectorTom HooperStarsJames CordenJudi DenchJason DeruloA tribe of cats called the Jellicles must decide yearly which one will ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back to a new Jellicle life.Jellicle songs for jellicle cats.
- DirectorZack SnyderStarsHenry CavillBen AffleckGal GadotDetermined to ensure that Superman's ultimate sacrifice wasn't in vain, Bruce Wayne recruits a team of metahumans to protect the world from an approaching threat of catastrophic proportions.With the sole exception of possibly Cyborg, a movie entirely devoid of heart or humanity, stretched out in slow motion to 4 entire hours.
Uh, Parts 5 and 6 were better than the rest? - DirectorDon HallCarlos López EstradaPaul BriggsStarsKelly Marie TranAwkwafinaGemma ChanIn a realm known as Kumandra, a re-imagined Earth inhabited by an ancient civilization, a warrior named Raya is determined to find the last dragon.Opened a bit generic, and wasn't too fond of Sisu's introduction. From there on, it picks up, especially as their motley crew grows. It probably needed more time dedicated to each location and trial that is faced there. It could work episodically, but then it would really just be Avatar: The Last Airbender.
- DirectorDon Roy KingStarsJames Monroe IglehartTodrick HallChad KimballMemphis is set in the places where rock and roll was born in the 1950s: the seedy nightclubs, radio stations and recording studios of the musically-rich Tennessee city. With an original score, it tells the fictional story of DJ Huey Calhoun, a good ole' local boy with a passion for R&B music and Felicia Farrell, an up-and-coming black singer that he meets one fateful night on Beale Street. Despite the objections of their loved ones (Huey's close-minded mama and Felicia's cautious brother, a club owner), they embark on a dangerous affair. As their careers rise, the relationship is challenged by personal ambition and the pressures of an outside world unable to accept their love.It's that one musical about some city in Tennessee.
- DirectorIain SoftleyStarsJonny Lee MillerAngelina JolieJesse BradfordTeenage hackers discover a criminal conspiracy with plans to use a computer virus that will capsize five oil tankers.HACK THE PLANET!
- DirectorArthur PennStarsPenn JilletteTellerCaitlin ClarkeThe "bad boys of magic" go over the edge in this mind-blowing, role-switching comedy murder mystery set in the dizzying world of Atlantic City casinos.Penn and Teller routines interspliced with the murder stuff. Feels distinctly intertwined with the performances of Penn and Teller, rather than a standalone movie.
- StarsGeorgiy ShtilViktor KostetskiyValeriy DyachenkoTeleplay based on the of J.R.R. Tolkien's novel 'The Fellowship of the Ring'.Even with autotranslate, it was still somehow more comprehensible than the Star Wars Holiday Special.
- DirectorLouis J. GasnierStarsDorothy ShortKenneth CraigLillian MilesCautionary tale that features a fictionalized take on marijuana use. A trio of drug dealers lead innocent teenagers to become addicted to "reefer" cigarettes by holding wild parties with jazz music.Feels weird to rate literal propaganda.
- DirectorAnthony RussoJoe RussoStarsChris EvansSamuel L. JacksonScarlett JohanssonAs Steve Rogers struggles to embrace his role in the modern world, he teams up with a fellow Avenger and S.H.I.E.L.D agent, Black Widow, to battle a new threat from history: an assassin known as the Winter Soldier.Oh man, this movie's on another list!
- DirectorAnthony RussoJoe RussoStarsChris EvansRobert Downey Jr.Scarlett JohanssonPolitical involvement in the Avengers' affairs causes a rift between Captain America and Iron Man.
- 19961h 29mR6.5 (62K)53MetascoreDirectorParis BarclayStarsShawn WayansMarlon WayansKeenen Ivory WayansA parody of several U.S. films about being in the 'Hood', for instance Boyz n the Hood (1991), South Central (1992), Menace II Society (1993), Higher Learning (1995) and Juice (1992).Absolutely nothing of any substance.
- DirectorMel BrooksStarsMel BrooksJohn CandyRick MoranisA star-pilot for hire and his trusty sidekick must come to the rescue of a princess and save Planet Druidia from the clutches of the evil Spaceballs.Absolutely nothing of substance!
- DirectorPeter BergStarsAlexander SkarsgårdBrooklyn DeckerLiam NeesonA fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.Definitely military propaganda, but it had successful story elements.
- DirectorBenny SafdieJosh SafdieStarsAdam SandlerJulia FoxIdina MenzelWith his debts mounting and angry collectors closing in, a fast-talking New York City jeweler risks everything in hope of staying afloat and alive.I felt fully enraptured in the tense and stressful struggle of this absolute bozo.
- DirectorDean DeBloisChris SandersStarsDaveigh ChaseChris SandersTia CarrereA young and parentless girl adopts a 'dog' from the local pound, completely unaware that it's supposedly a dangerous scientific experiment that's taken refuge on Earth and is now hiding from its creator and those who see it as a menace.Yaaaaaaas!
- DirectorDavid R. EllisStarsSamuel L. JacksonJulianna MarguliesNathan PhillipsAn FBI agent takes on a plane full of deadly venomous snakes, deliberately released to kill a witness being flown from Honolulu to Los Angeles to testify against a mob boss.It was a snakes.
- DirectorMichael RiandaJeff RoweStarsAbbi JacobsonDanny McBrideMaya RudolphA quirky, dysfunctional family's road trip is upended when they find themselves in the middle of the robot apocalypse and suddenly become humanity's unlikeliest last hope.Extremely Mabel-core.
- DirectorDanny BoyleStarsCillian MurphyNaomie HarrisChristopher EcclestonFour weeks after a mysterious, incurable virus spreads throughout the UK, a handful of survivors try to find sanctuary.Zombies are dangerous, but not as dangerous as military rape culture.
- DirectorTaika WaititiStarsRoman Griffin DavisThomasin McKenzieScarlett JohanssonA young German boy in the Hitler Youth whose hero and imaginary friend is the country's dictator is shocked to discover that his mother is hiding a Jewish girl in their home.I really don't cry that often.
- DirectorKevin LimaStarsBill FarmerJason MarsdenJim CummingsWhen Max makes a preposterous promise to a girl he has a crush on, his chances to fulfilling it seem hopeless when he is dragged onto a cross-country trip with his embarrassing father, Goofy.I can't believe The Mitchells vs the Machines would rip off this movie.
- DirectorJon M. ChuStarsAnthony RamosCorey HawkinsLeslie GraceIn Washington Heights, a sympathetic New York bodega owner saves every penny every day as he imagines and sings about a better life.An excellent musical that feels like a love letter to the titular location during just a few (influential) days in these characters' lives.