Steven Seagal: From A-list Action Star to Obese punchline.

We sprint right out the gate. Seagal is fit, ferocious and sporting an rapidly residing hairline. Non of that matters though, as our boy breaks bones and saves the day. A glorious fun movie.

Again, a lot to enjoy about this film but it’s unfortunately dragged down by an incapacity Seagal, given he spends most of the second act in a coma and such. He is topless for the first and only time, so there’s that. And Kelly Le Brock seduces him with a flower.

Seagal never had a better onscreen partner than Keith David. Together they massacre every Jamaican on the planet and Steven even gets to mouth off about all the homos that occupies their local tavern. Screwface was also in “Showgirls” he was a dancer, I believe. The more you know.

Seagal’ best film by a country mile. William Forsythe steals the show (of course) but Steven gives it his all armed with an Italian accent so over the top, that the entire cast of Jersey Shore seems entirely preferable as an alternative to keeping his company. The film is great though. OTT violence, great set pieces and Seagal’ character is named Gino Falino (what the fuck is that?) Treasure it, as this is the last great/greatest Seagal flick.

We come to a shift in Steven’ career. No more flatfooted cop on the streets. I’m now a super soldier machine gunned to the max mode and while the film is entertaining it basically all due to the antics of Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey. Sorry Seagal. You’re shooting blanks.

Armed with cigarillos and a nifty fridge jacket, Seagal is positively the most retarded man to ever tackle the subject of climate change (besides Trump, obviously) This is Steven’ directorial debut and boy is it mouthful. Our boy instigates bar fights, only to shoot the whole thing down with banal zen like mambo jumbo. He is attack by various animals, befriends the local tribe and then destroys an oil rig. All in a days work. Also Michael Caine plays the baddy… with his hair dyed jet black.

Steven takes a train ride, because of course he does. He has medals so secret he can’t show them to anyone (and yet can’t stop blabbering about them) he kills Mike from Breaking Bad and Big Ed from Twin Peaks. Oh how I wish it was the other way around and David Lynch directed it.

In one corner we have… Kurt Russell. His claim to pop culture fame is…

Rudy Russo. Snake Plissken. R.J. MacReady. Jack Burton. Gabriel Cash. Wyatt Earp. John Ruth. … and Captain Ron. And so many others.

In the other corner… snacking on something I can only hope wasn’t previously human… Steven Seagal (Crickets) “hey. I fucked Kelly Le Brock” (Crickets still)

Kurt Wins.

Steven apparently saw “Se7en” and thought let’s do that but make it a convoluted mess involving the CIA and my massive ego. Also Seagal thinks he’s black now and he gets to share the screen with the great Brian Cox (enjoy it while it lasts)

Seagal goes Appalachia, as an EPA agent… his current political stance is in alliance with Trump and the puppet master Putin, and the environment sure as shit didn’t benefit from the former being in power. But I digress, Steven gets to play guitar, wear colourful jackets and be a condescending hypocritical pick to the locals. What’s not to like.