John Carpenter Films Ranked/Rated/Reviewed
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- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsDan O'BannonDre PahichBrian NarelleIn the far reaches of space, a small crew, 20 years into their solitary mission, find things beginning to go hilariously wrong.10/10
Carpenter's debut film, made on a very low budget (but stretching it valiantly and efficiently), is one of the most unique films ever made, and in my very humble opinion his best movie. A sci-fi spoof about four hippie-looking astronauts who are all bored out of their crazed minds. Many very funny moments here, a quirky 70s-ish space(d out) atmosphere, and an excellent music score; especially the country song, "Benson Arizona".
DS is a bit uneven, which is basically its only flaw, but there are many highlights. However, rather than list the best moments, I would underline how spot-on and clever the characterization is. Sgt. Pinback, played amateurishly yet brilliantly by "Alien" writer O'Bannon, deserves to be a cult figure in movies, much like Don Corleone, Rambo, or Yoda are. I will not give away his big secret i.e. how he got to be on this spaceship...
While "2001" focuses on the majestic, awe-inspiring power and mystery of Space, DS goes in the opposite direction and reveals the possible day-to-day banalities and realities of an existence in such an environment. However, DS isn't overtly goofy and too silly like a mainstream misfire such as "Space Balls"; it's much cleverer than that.
Ignore the relatively low IMDb average for this one. After all, we all know that clueless kids, film-buffy students, hipsters, hype-slaves, and wannabe "artists" vote here primarily. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsSam NeillJürgen ProchnowJulie CarmenAn insurance investigator begins discovering that the impact a horror writer's books have on his fans is more than inspirational.9/10
John Carpenter comes up with a winner every now and again, and this is one of them. Could this really be? A horror film that is unusual and unpredictable, with the sort of ingenious, fun plot that quite clearly could never stem from a crap writer like Stephen King. Which is ironic since the plot revolves around a fictional version of him, a famous horror writer.
SPOILERS
Would King destroy the world the way this writer does, if he had a chance?
Of course he would. Reds are nearly all vicious, violent thugs masked as peaceniks who fantasize about the apocalypse. In their minds, any kind of "revolution" (preferably a very violent and cataclysmic event) will quickly lead to Utopia. They actually believe in these fairy-tales - these alleged atheists. Liberal Logic 101: "atheists" who believe in "Heaven on Earth". Anyone smell a mega-oxymoron here?
One of the film's major strengths is that it moves at a very brisk pace, from the first scene onwards. There are no time-wasting scenes like in so many other horror movies, no needlessly boring 20-minute intros with their very thin plots. Unpredictability rules the roost, fun twists abound, and the increasing confusion that arises from the to-and-fro between reality and fantasy is never annoying or incomprehensible.
The special effects are okay. They may have been much better had the film been made just a year or two later. The soundtrack is quite solid, and the dialogue and acting aren't moronic.
Pretty much Carpenter's last hoorah. What followed was junk like "Escape From L.A." and "Ghosts Of Mars", not to mention the abysmal "Ward".
Certainly one of the best horror film of the 90s.
There is a brief appearance by the future Darth Vader, Hayden C. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsKurt RussellLee Van CleefErnest BorgnineIn 1997, when the U.S. president crashes into Manhattan, now a giant maximum security prison, a convicted bank robber is sent in to rescue him.9/10
- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsKurt RussellWilford BrimleyKeith DavidA research team in Antarctica is hunted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the appearance of its victims.8/10
I didn't like it that much the 1st time around, when I was quite young, but later came to appreciate its photography and suspense. I suppose it was too much of an "Alien" clone to me initially (basically that film plus "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" combined), but it's so well made that the generic premise isn't an issue. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsAdrienne BarbeauJamie Lee CurtisJanet LeighAn unearthly fog rolls into a small coastal town exactly 100 years after a ship mysteriously sank in its waters.7/10
I am glad that we finally have ghosts that aren't totally aimless and random in their killing sprees. Usually they are portrayed as rather goofy, confused aggressors who just slash and slice anything that comes their way.
However, there is just one little catch: why didn't these ghosts resurrect much earlier, so they could butcher the actual perpetrators of the 100 year-old crime, rather than taking it out on some meaningless 3rd-generation offspring who haven't a clue about what the hell is going on? And why this obsession with round numbers? Why not rise up out of the fog after 83 years 4 months and 35 days, why after exactly 100 years? How I love horror film "logic".
They could have risen at the 10th anniversary of the massacre, for example. That way they could have found nearly all of the guilty ones, AND it's a nice round anniversary-worthy number. Everyone wins. The ghosts get their revenge, the offspring don't get butchered (well, they don't get born in the first place, actually, ehem) and justice is done.
I'd like to also know what exactly it is that ex-lepers-but-now-sea/fog-ghosts do for an entire 100 years while they wait for revenge. Do they pester their leader to move the Revenge Date a few decades earlier? Do they play chess, or do they just stare into dolphins and squid all day? TF is done with a certain degree of style, typical of the late 70s and early 80s, which is why it isn't boring in spite of the rather slow pace.
Why does everyone open the door when they hear ominous-sounding loud knocking after midnight? Why does Carpenter cast two uglies such as Janet Leigh (looking more dried-up and corpsy than the ghosts even), and her awful amateur daughter Jamie Lee? Watching Jamie Lee kiss gave me a big shudder, much more eerie than the most brutal murder committed by the ex-lepers. Carpenter hates beauty, that must be it. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsJeff BridgesKaren AllenCharles Martin SmithAn alien takes the form of a young Wisconsin widow's husband and makes her drive him to his departure point in Arizona. Distrustful government agents, along with a more ambivalent scientist, give pursuit in hopes of intercepting them.Both this review and the rating (8/10: I had it reduced just to be on the safe(r) side), are from the early 90s: very old, hence unreliable.
7/10
Bridges takes on a very tricky role, and it takes a bit to get used to him. But ultimately he handles it well. Allen is convincing and charismatic as usual. The film profits from good acting, but also from a very good last third, and a particularly strong ending. There are some flaws, however.
As usual, the government is portrayed in a one-dimensional and overly paranoid way; as an institution that can hardly wait to cut up an alien, as though it's logical to expect them to prefer a dead specimen to a live one.
There are some other clichés, like the noble, helpful Indian woman, the aggressive and witless cops, and the primitive, savage deer-hunters. The music is good. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsRoddy PiperKeith DavidMeg FosterThey influence our decisions without us knowing it. They numb our senses without us feeling it. They control our lives without us realizing it. They live.Entertaining but utterly cretinous.
6/10
I've seen this several times over the years, since it came out, because it's a dumb but fun movie. Has a cheap look, and has that incredibly long, idiotic punch-up between the two main protagonists. Not to mention the utterly mindless anti-capitalism analogy which most (brainwashed) audiences fail to recognize.
Carpenter is so confused, he even stated in an interview at the time that "Ted Turner is like a monster from outer space". Well, duh, he was married to Red Jane Fonda and he gave the world America's first global Communist News Network. Carpenter seems a little confused. Lumping Ted with Reaganomics which Carpenter hated is fairly strange. But reds tend to be that way: confused and always contradicting themselves.
If there's anyone controlling the world, we all know who it really is... We who aren't allowed to say it. I.e. we are actually living out this dumb action movie, just decades after it was filmed. Irony, because Carpenter intended to fault the Right. He actually believed they'd enslave America. Not very clairvoyant or politically savvy, is he? Why are so many great film-makers so intellectually inept?
The "revolution" is hilarious. The two protagonists single-handedly raid a TV station. While they shoot around and throw grenades - in some adjacent rooms nobody is reacting to all of this mayhem! A movie that has to be enjoyed as a very dumb 50s sci-fi stinker, and nothing else. Carpenter must have been a true Tim Leary apprentice in order to inject such a silly film with "meaningful political commentary". What a clown. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsDonald PleasenceJamie Lee CurtisTony MoranFifteen years after murdering his sister on Halloween night 1963, Michael Myers escapes from a mental hospital and returns to the small town of Haddonfield, Illinois to kill again.6/10
By all logic I should hate the film that essentially started the slasher genre, or at least gave it a huge commercial boost. While I am far from a fan of this dumb franchise, the first two films were done well. The content is idiotic, but the mood and direction compensate for it somewhat. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsJames WoodsDaniel BaldwinSheryl LeeRecovering from an ambush that killed his entire team, a vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to walk in sunlight.Old review, old rating, from the 90s, hence who knows how accurate this is...
6/10
Standard modern vampire film. Visually better than expected, with Woods once again being cast as an ultra tough guy; he does it well because he's a good actor, but couldn't they get someone who looks like he can lift more than five kilos?
The fat Baldwin isn't particularly good; it's time they limit the Baldwin clan's access to movies to those who can act better than mediocre.
Woods's defiance is a bit much occasionally; at one point, he tells Schell (bad guy) that he is a "pile of shit". Sticks and stones... - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsDonald PleasenceLisa BlountJameson ParkerA group of graduate students and scientists uncover an ancient canister in an abandoned church, but when they open the container, they inadvertently unleash a strange liquid and an evil force on all humanity.4/10
I watched this badly made religious horror twice, about 20 years apart, but neither time had the interest to review it, for some reason. Hence I can't tell you much in detail, except that the casting is abysmal, the acting is bad, the photography is poor, the direction is lazy, and the mood is almost zero. Carpenter on auto-pilot, seemingly disinterested.
The high IMDb average once again unequivocally proves that the masses who vote here don't understand movies, life, reality, logic, taste, or anything else... These averages serve no purpose. I'd get rid of them. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsKurt RussellSteve BuscemiStacy KeachSnake Plissken is once again called in by the United States government to recover a potential doomsday device from Los Angeles, now an autonomous island where undesirables are deported.4/10
An incredibly dumb film. Or, perhaps, it was meant to be an over-the-top self-parody, i.e. parody of the first film. Either way, an uninspired "effort" by Carpenter.
Watched it almost 30 years ago, so it might actually be even worse than this rating suggests. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsKeith GordonJohn StockwellAlexandra PaulA nerdish boy buys a strange car with an evil mind of its own and his nature starts to change to reflect it.3/10
Watched this Stephen-o-Kingsian Dreck over 30 years ago, so I have no way of rating it properly, but because King wrote it, and that boring nepotist dweeb stars in it, and because the premise is so stupid, I presume it's a typical dumb, bad 80s horror film. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsNatasha HenstridgeIce CubePam GrierIn 2176, a Martian police unit is sent to pick up a highly dangerous criminal at a remote mining post. Upon arrival, the cops find that the post has become a charnel house.Amazingly idiotic sci-fi film that seems to be saying "Carpenter, retire!"
3/10
An unintentionally funny idiotic sci-fi action film with as many clichés as there are scenes and dialogues. Carpenter not only has nothing new to offer and directs with the inspiration of a sleepy panda-bear, but he has gone PC, too; this moronic 22nd century that he so pointlessly offers is a world of Amazon women who dominate humankind. The idea (though irrelevant to the plot itself) is that most men have gone sterile, so the women now call the shots! Gee, I never realized that the underlying cause of man's domination over women all through the ages has been solely because the penis ejects fertile sperm.
Pam Grier, who plays a lesbian(!), is the commandant(!) of the movie's security outfit. Her second-in-command is another woman, Henstridge. And below them are three more people, one of which is a teen girl, DuVall, who looks like she'd rather be at a Smashing Pumpkins concert. The I.P. who interrogates Henstridge is a woman. The head of the scientist research group is a woman, Cassidy. And even the face on the bills of 22nd century currency is that of a woman. Perhaps the first true feminist sci-fi, and I think women can be proud that it happens to be such a movie classic, as well. Maybe I am reading too much into the movie, but I had the impression that Carpenter even sent a "just say no, except to weak drugs" message: on one occasion a prisoner gets high on a crack-like drug and he gets punished for it by cutting off his own thumb (in a dumb scene), while the giving of a weak marijuana-type drug to Henstridge saves her from the aliens. What would we do without the fine morals of a Hollywood movie...
The casting is a classic case of kidnapping. DuVall got kidnapped from the set of a teen comedy; Henstridge got snatched from a fashion-show; Ice Chubbs got yanked from the set of the latest intelligent rap video; Cassidy got kidnapped from a TV drama-of-the-week weeper; and Pam Grier... I have no idea where they got her from. What a series of brilliant casting decisions! Watching Ice Chubbs and Henstridge go into a verbal tête-à-tête is a rare cinematic Offenbarung, and a new big-screen highlight. But I'm being unfair; no one can help appearing stupid with such dull dialog and such a trite plot. And Henstridge is at least nice to look at, even if they did try to make her into a Weaver-type alien-killing man on an occasion or two.
The premise is just too boring for words, but here it is: aliens take over human bodies. YAWN. The premise of a super-tough serial-killing prisoner cooperating with the good guys against the forces of evil is nicked right out of the equally trite "Pitch Black" (which probably itself stole it from some other movies). The always-screaming leader of the alien zombie squad is almost identical to the main vampire in Carpenter's previous movie. What confuses me is why Carpenter saw fit to (co-)write a disjointed story, much like the broken-form type in Tarantino's or Ricthie's movies; it's completely ridiculous and pointless for this kind of linear, dull plot. I was also surprised that Carpenter, a tired, old man by now, decided to write an industrial-metal score.
There are plenty of idiotic and sub-par moments. One of the most hilarious ones is undoubtedly when Henstridge finishes her long story to the (mostly female) commission, and the main I.P. says to that: "is that all you have to tell us?"! Oh, sorry for not giving you enough gory details and for not telling you that 10 million people got their heads cut off, but I'll try next time, your Highness! What's worse, they don't believe a word she says! Well, at least that shows that women would be just as dumb if not more so than men if they were in power. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsAustin StokerDarwin JostonLaurie ZimmerA Highway Patrol Officer, two criminals and a station secretary defend a defunct Los Angeles precinct office against a siege by a bloodthirsty street gang.A very old review, I can't be bothered to read it hence correct it...
2/10
An all-out assault on logic. When I read the plot outline of this movie I had already smelled a rat.
From the first minutes onwards I realized that I could wave goodbye to any chance of hearing good dialog here; but, okay, fine, this is an action picture. And then boredom set in; for some reason Carpenter decided to take his sweet time with getting to the point - namely, the assault on Precinct 13 - and this takes about half-an-hour.
But before the assault takes place, Carpenter gives us a major taste of the absurdity to come: the scene with the little girl going back for a different ice-cream (but of course...) and then getting shot - just like that - by the gang; they shoot her for no reason and jeopardize their revenge "mission" that way. Dumb. The father of the girl then chases after the killers, only to reach and kill - of all of the numerous gang members - the one gang member who killed his girl (after getting shot, our vicious yet illogical gang member then falls sideways, like a tree). The father of the girl then gets chased by some other gang members and reaches Precinct 13 where he suddenly loses his ability to speak at the moment when he is trying to inform the Precinct's occupants of the danger they are in! Is this a dumb plot device, or what. Shortly afterwards, the Precinct gets shot at from all sides, the bullets shattering windows and thus making noise, yet Carpenter would have us believe that no-one could hear all that (and come to the rescue) because the gang was using noiseless guns. Dumb. The guns may have been noiseless, but I don't think there are any bullets in this world that will quietly shatter windows.
From then on, it's strictly zombie material. Carpenter
obviously saw "The Night of the Living Dead" one too many times and decided to do something similar. Except for one problem: gang members - and may they be as fanatical as teenie-boppers - do not act, attack, behave and brake through windows like zombies. They don't. And I don't care if they're high on heroine or belong to a cult-like organization: they can't behave like this. I mean, this gang is supposed to be totally kamikaze-like and irrational on one hand, but clever and organized in its planning of the attack, on the other hand. Carpenter wants to have his cake and eat it too.
The dialog, as mentioned, is mediocre and gets even worse when the key characters start philosophizing in moments when no sane or insane person would even talk. The actors don't have it easy with this kind of dumb script - but the female lead acts so badly that she appears at times more zombie-like than the numerous invaders.
Numerous; this brings me to the absurd numbers in which our zombie fanatics turn up. Are there millions of them? - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsKurt RussellKim CattrallDennis DunA rough-and-tumble trucker and his side kick face off with an ancient sorcerer in a supernatural battle beneath Chinatown.2/10
A big yawn of a film. Hard to sit through this dull blend of Indiana Jones and boring action films. Russell's funny-guy shtick is entirely tiresome here. - DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsAmber HeardMamie GummerDanielle PanabakerAn institutionalized young woman becomes terrorized by a ghost.With Carpenter it's usually very hit-and-miss. But this may be his worst film yet.
1/10
Horror fans are familiar with Carpenter's split personality: the great film-maker and the lousy/lazy film-maker. So who better to do a movie about schizophrenia? The snag is that the lousy Carpenter was in charge when this was made. Perhaps electro-shocks might have helped? Great film-makers can use huge plot-twists without lying to the viewer, whereas lousy film-makers can't.
Meryl Streep's daughter is pretty much the least appealing, worst actress I've seen in ages. When Carpenter screws up, he screws up real proper, and casting his movies with nepotists and bland wallpaper is an integral part of the inept Carpenter.
The film looks plastic and uninspired, with a dumb plot-twist reminiscent of "Identity". All the insane-asylum cliches are covered too. Carpenter doesn't even have the decency to show us any of the women's breasts in the shower scene, that's how far gone he is in his laziness and cluelessness. (I don't include Meryl's demonic offspring, she can stay covered as far as I'm concerned.)