- I'd be happy to be taken as a woman -- and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
- I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.
- I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
- My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.
- When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
- I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.
- [on the Statue of Liberty]: Funny that France gave that to the United States. What did the U.S. give them in return?
- [on Ellis Island's immigration history]: I do find history fascinating, I find people fascinating, and I'm quite good at standing somewhere and taking out all the new stuff and imagining people coming in and I would have been with them.
- [on running marathons]: Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.
- [on spending time in New York City]: They only have a few days -- go see a big musical like Billy Elliot. If you have more time, see me show.
- I'm excited to play Thunder Bay (Ontario) because I assume it's an exciting place where thunder happens.
- My dad was working-class. One granddad drove a bus. The other was a cowherder who said he was a shepherd. He didn't like being a cowherd but shepherd sounded pretty groovy. Like Jesus.
- [on political extremes] About 80 to 90 percent of the world is live and let live. I want to fight for that. Right-wingers have a beguiling politics because it is simplistic. We have complex politics in the centre and you have to try to simplify it, to explain it, because sometimes you have ten choices. Right-wingers - you have one choice: Agree with me or I'll kill you. It's that one that Hitler used...The dumbest thing the right wing ever came up with, back in the day [was] We've got to kill someone because it's really rainy and the crops are failing, so we have to kill Steve.
- I said to myself that I would make all my comedy universal and I took out, fifteen years ago, all British references. I'll talk abut Greeks, Romans, cats with guns, supermarkets, hair cuts, but I won't talk about John Major or the 195 bus to Stretham
- Drama is a complete meal, vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.
- My God, what have you been smoking? You haven't been smoking in a bar in California, that's for sure! [laughter] Because you can't! Yes, no smoking in bars now, and soon no drinking and no talking!
- Some people are homophobic. But as long as they're homophobic in their own homes, behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone...
- Bad dog exists. "Bad dog!" we say "Stole a biscuit, that's a bad dog!" And the dog says "Who are you to judge me? You humans have had wars against people of different creeds, colours and religions, and I stole a biscuit? People of the World!" "Oh, when you put it that way, have another biscuit."
- I knew I was TV, a transvestite, but I kept it to myself with a brilliant strategy of Don't-tell-Kids-at-School-and-Don't-get-killed. And bullies in the playground are like "Why are we beating this one up?" "I don't know, he used a word we didn't understand. And he won at Scrabble with it."
- If a girl falls over in heels it's embarrassing, but if a guy falls over in heels, well, you have to kill yourself!
- So I liked the cadets, running, jumping, climbing trees, flags. Didn't like the bit about learning how to kill people with razor wire. Thought I'd rather learn their language and visit their countries... The British, we go around the World going "Sausage, egg and chips, please! Sausage, egg and chips!" Even in Afghanistan! "Sausage, egg and chips, please! Do you speak English? You just don't try, do you? Going around all day, speaking Afghan." That's a kind of dog, isn't it? ... "Two languages in one head? No-one can live at that speed!" "But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!" "Yes, well, but they're cheating! Everybody knows that marijuana is a drug enhancement that can help you in track and field win a race against ten men that are dead!"
- The EU is the cutting edge of politics, just in the most tremendously boring way.
- So at the age of six I went off to St John's boarding school in Porthcawl, Wales. It was run by a very pleasant man called Mr. Crump who we nicknamed 'the man from hell who we all hate'. Seeing as my Mum had just died I decided to cry relentlessly for about a year. Mr. Crump would help me along with beatings when he could fit them in.
- The Aryan Supremacists have their thing about getting chemical weapons and killing people. "Why, though? What's the plan? What does that achieve?" "Er, nothing, really..."
- [To Nigel Farage] Nigel, you told your followers to bully people to vote for you. This is not the right attitude for people to have.
- Hitler was a Mass-Murdering Fuckhead, as many important Historians have said...
- When I was about ten my Mum got sick, and when you get sick, you're supposed to get better...
- "The Crops have Failed, the Gods Hate us! Let's kill Steve!" What's all that about?
- [Henry VIII] What have you been reading, the Gospel according to Saint Bastard?
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