- Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck. So you either set it in a zombie apocalypse, a wasteland or a spaceship. I think which one you choose decides the adult you become.
- (2012, on A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas) I was in New York doing something. Or maybe it was Chicago. But I got a call asking if I wanted to go to Detroit and film one really fun scene where I was a Santa Claus selling weed. I knew the writers. So I just said yeah. I blew the second 3-D puff of pot smoke in film history. Someone needs to add that to my Wikipedia.
- (2012, on Young Adult) I went in because I'd become friends with Jason [Reitman], and we bonded over the fact that we're such movie buffs and we both own French bulldogs. So he said, "Can you come in and just read this script that we're trying to figure out, as a favor?" He did say there'd be some cold readings with three different actresses who were being considered for the lead, and I was there for each. And he kept asking me to come back, and then they had Charlize [Theron] come in, and she really wanted to do it at that point. He said, "Why don't you come back and read for this role again," and we just clicked. There was something about it, we just started making fun of each other in between the read and just got along, and he's like, "Yeah, that's it. You guys are doing it." I saw how amazing Charlize was just sitting at the table read that that's the first time that I ever hired an acting coach and really started doing the fucking work. That was a huge evolution for me because that was about the time that I was going back to see more Broadway shows, and was really getting into Breaking Bad and watching Bryan Cranston. And I realized all these actors that I really liked are the types where they're like, "Let's just get the highlighter pen and do the fucking work and make this great." That's so much what Charlize was about. "Let's do the work and make it great." So I thought, "I'm going to show up with the work fucking done and ready to go." I have some projects coming up where it's like, "Here's your script; you better go sit down with your coach and be ready." And I'm so glad that Young Adult gave me that experience.
- (2012, on The King Of Queens) I lucked out getting that role. That's where I learned how to act. Hanging out with Kevin James; he's just an amazing comedic actor. Especially in terms of TV acting, which is really hard to pull off in a sitcom format. Also Jerry Stiller, who is such an old pro. He would go over the lines a million times like he thought he wouldn't get it, but then he would nail it every fucking time. That's where I first met Bryan Cranston, who was a regular for a while. And Jere Burns was there. For some reason, they didn't fire me after the second season, when they were thinking about writing my character out because I was just such a shit actor. I just got to go down and watch Kevin doing his scenes and learn that way, and luckily I didn't lose the job.
- (2012, on Zig Zag) I had become friends with David Goyer and he had written all these movies-man, that guy came up through the fucking ranks. You should talk to him sometime. He has the funniest "meeting Steven Segal" story I've ever fucking heard in my life. He has come up through the trenches. When he wrote Blade and finally got some cachet, he auctioned a novel that he wanted to direct called Zig Zag. It's a movie that doesn't quite work. It doesn't come together like it should. But Oliver Platt's performance is fucking awesome. It's one of those great performances in a not-great film. He plays a character called "The Toad" and holy shit, he's so good it literally hurts the movie. Because viewers are like, "Can't we just go watch him?" It's like Martin Short's character in The Big Picture. It's still a pretty good movie, but he's on such another level it makes the rest of the movie seem like a booger.
- (2012, on Down Periscope) I got that role right before I was hired on MADtv. They established me in the background very early on. I was over at Fox shooting this movie. I was just sitting in the background. I only had one line, which I think was partially said off-screen. And I finally went to the director and was like, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to lose this other job if you have me here for another month." And he goes, "We'll take you out in the next scene." If you watch the movie, they win the war game and everyone is clapping, and I just get up and walk down the passage. What, do I leave the sub? I don't know, but I just vanished from the movie.
- [on a particularly low moment in his stand-up comic career] I never really gave up on Surrey, it gave up on me - before I got there.
- I just wanted to write it down so I could see it and it wouldn't be in my head scaring me anymore.
- I would love to help, but the terminology changes so quickly! And I don't know if you've noticed this, but it's the evil people who can it pick it up the fastest so they can smuggle their own shit in there.
- Last night I saw a jackrabbit with a woman's face!
- Sometimes Science is wrong and gives us shit we don't need.
- There seems to be a connection between Really Smart Really Young and then Crazy Later On.
- I've still got ad jingles stuck in my head. I thought you got to trade it up for wisdom, like can't I remember the kid CPR perfectly instead? I'm going to end up reciting the Rutger Hauer speech from Bladerunner over my daughter as she dies! I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Yeah, I know, honey, but wasn't that inspiring to go out on?
- All my friends were saying "You live in shallow plastic LA, move to New York and get real", and now I'm here I realise they just wanted another warm body between themselves and this nightmare. Because New York is like a cage that turns your brain into a rat where the city pokes the rat every day until you think "I want someone else to be unhappy and know that I'm responsible!"
- Even though it's a White Christian Rock group, the lead singer is still very concerned with getting laid...
- Can you build a spaceship and point it toward a world with a brighter sun, with more hopeful air to breathe? You can't. No one escapes the Lonely Planet. So let me offer a radical solution: invade the Lonely Planet. Be a hostile alien visitor. If the planet you're trapped on is sustained by despair and silence, then infect it with your unique, unkillable strain of joy and sound. I am not telling you to fake happiness, or rivet a death-grin to your face. I'm giving you permission to drill your heels deeper into the swamp of sadness you're in and, from that position, to invade. To infect. To conquer.
- If you were born in a small town you have been given a gift: the gift of the test of the small town. You pass the test when you get out of the town by thirty instead of killing everyone in the small town.
- Battered Chapped Pussy. Write it on the sky in gossamer teardrops. "Have you heard the latest bon mot from Patton Oswalt? I hear it's all the rage in the salons! Bring me a cucumber sandwich, crusts removed!"
- Carbs and Sugar don't have a William S Burroughs...
- The only reason to go to Florida is to identify your daughter's dead body.
- How does it feel seeing reality piss all over satire every day?
- My geekiness is getting in the way of my nerdiness.
- So I was standing there looking at all the Lean Cuisines, and suddenly Toto's Africa came on the radio. And in that moment I'd never before felt so peacefully, joyfully, suicidal. Like if I'd had a gun, I'd have brought it up in one smooth motion: "Dun dun-dun dun-dun-dun BOOM!" And I thought what would it be like for the cops who found that? "What happened?" "I don't know, he was standing there, Toto came on the radio.." "Oh, sure, we get it, he killed himself! Put him in the loading bay. He's happy now." "Shouldn't we look for a note?" "No, no. ALL THIS is the note. The Lean Cuisines, the Toto, he's fine, don't worry.".
- And then the Clown sits down and says "Facepainting!" Just like that, not "Ok-ay kids, it's time for Fa-ce-pain-ting!" And all he does is paint a blue heart on every kids' face so it looks like a little Cult Meeting. And [a Mother] whispers to me: "I'm so pissed off but I want to see where this goes."
- Oh, F*cksquatch! What secrets do you hide?
- Yes, refill the Flagon of Chuckles!
- So this traffic warden really turned on me. You know how when a moth scares you, you think "A MOTH Scared me? I'm going to kill that Moth!"?
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