The year is 1641. We open in France, where confusingly, everyone is speaking English. A Scottish man has been caught selling weapons to enemies of Louis Xiii, and as punishment is forced to wear a red-hot iron mask forever. Cut to “the not too distant future”, where the man’s descendant, Christopher Eccleston, is presenting a lecture about newly weaponised flying metal bugs to some Nato employees. “Originally developed to isolate and kill cancer cells, at Mars industries we discovered how to program nanomites to do almost anything. For example … eat metal”. It turns out “nanomites” can also be injected into rocket warheads, and thus the back story and premise of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is explained in less than a minute.
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