- Herbert T. Herbert: Henry the VIII wore night gowns. No, pajamas weren't introduced into bed - into England - until much later.
- Doris Roberts: No, all the apostles are out for the night, Mrs. Weems. Charlie Chaplin will be in at six. Cleopatra's out with Lindbergh. Oh, I can let you have Madame DuBarry. But, that will cost you three dollars extra. You know, Madame DuBarry is generally ten dollars a night.
- Doris Roberts: Yes, that's what I said. A gross of tin pie plates for those Amazon costumes. We use the pie plates for brassieres. Huh? What do we use the brassieres for? What? To bake pies in, what do you think?
- Bill Brighton: Terrific pressure around here this afternoon.
- Doris Roberts: Pressure? The Bronx chapter of the Daughters of Rachel want a gross of Joan of Arc costumes, size 54.
- Herbert T. Herbert: You know that Lady Godiva? Not the one's that's dead, but, the one that wants to be Lady Godiva? Well, I called her up and told her what you said. I told her that Lady Godiva rode naked. Her husband's coming down to see me at 5 o'clock. What shall I do?
- Doris Roberts: Go home at 4:30!
- Herbert T. Herbert: That's a good idea.
- Herbert T. Herbert: That reminds me, I called Ziegfeld once, but, he didn't answer. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.
- Paisley: I feel just like going out and committing suicide. After all, Doris, a person owes something to their artistic integrity. I can cheapen myself and prostitute my art for just so long. And, then, well, something snaps!
- Doris Roberts: What snapped this time?
- Paisley: Well, its bad enough for a sensitive person to have to work with these devastating brocades. But, when you tell me that I should use cerise and I know it should be maroon, oh, Doris, I wish I were dead.
- Doris Roberts: Will you be a good little boy and go back to work as a personal favor to me?
- Paisley: Well, if I answer - yes, can I have new drapes for my windows?
- Doris Roberts: You can decorate your whole office - three feet thick!
- Paisley: Oh, Doris! Doris! You're a perfect dear. You're just ducky!
- John Roberts: Running a business is a man's job. Running a home and taking care of a baby is a woman's job.
- Doris Roberts: But, dear, I can't be in two places at once? I'm in this office 16 hours out of the 24 and...
- John Roberts: That's just it. You have no right to be in this office. You're place is at home with the baby.
- Doris Roberts: You want me to leave the firm?
- John Roberts: I insist on it, Doris. It's unfair. Absurd for you to get up early. Haggle all day. Go home. Night after night, exhausted. I've been thinking about it for months, Honey.
- Doris Roberts: But, I love the battle! We founded this firm together. Made a big business out of nothing, in our joint effort. Its been a real partnership. Just like our marriage.
- John Roberts: You're partner enough as my wife. And I want you to have the leisure. The fun that other women have. Stay in bed as long as you want. Go to teas. Play bridge. Entertain. Be a normal, happy woman. Not a machine!
- John Roberts: You can't carry a big business on your shoulders and give a child the attention he deserves.
- John Roberts: All right, Doris. If you insist on coming here tomorrow, I'll stay away.
- Doris Roberts: What do you mean?
- John Roberts: If you don't let me do my job alone, as a man should, we separate.
- Doris Roberts: From now on, I can give all my time to Junior. It'll make the baby happy. And that's something.
- John Roberts: It'll make this baby happy, too. And that ought to be a lot!
- Paisley: Mr. Herbert, I've got a bone to pick with you.
- Herbert T. Herbert: Paisley, you're just the man I want to see.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: We should be rubbing us the wrong way! Now, it's our turn to - scratch!
- Bill Brighton: What's the matter? Weren't the pirate costumes all right?
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Pirate costumes? You should wear pirate costumes yourself and walk the plank! You low-hide jack-ass!
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: [to Bill Brighton] You nearly ruined us! Once is enough. From us, you get no more business!
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: You should live so long, till we see you again.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Even longer!
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: I'm not worrying about the money. But, our reputation! One more flop and we'll be back in the cheese business.
- Doris Roberts: Is she pretty?
- Bill Brighton: Why, Doris, I don't know what you mean? Is who pretty?
- Doris Roberts: You men all stick together, don't you?
- Doris Roberts: Herb, give me a cigar for Mr. Vassiloff.
- Vassily Vassiloff: I never smoke! It makes my ears ring.
- Doris Roberts: By the way, did you know that Vassily Vassiloff is in town?
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Who?
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: The name again, please. Vaseline?
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: [to Vassiloff] What can you lose? Just tell us an idea you got for a show.
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Any idea! It don't even have to be good.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: It don't even have to be an idea!
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: What's the total?
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Never mind the total, what's the first payment?
- Bill Brighton: 18,745 dollars and 39 cents.
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: 18 thousand dollars for costumes? In Rome they built locomotives for less!
- Bill Brighton: Well, Mr. Vassiloff is one of the best.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Well, what's the 39 cents for?
- Bill Brighton: Well, that's for the mother of pearl buttons.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: What? 39 cents for mother of pearl buttons? Wouldn't pearl be cheaper without a mother?
- Vassily Vassiloff: I'd like a check for 10 thousand dollars. Quick.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: So would I.
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: Say, who wouldn't?
- Vassily Vassiloff: I am in no mood for jokes. Please write me the check.
- Jake Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: 10 thousand dollars, for what?
- Vassily Vassiloff: The elephants are here!
- Lou Delman: of the Avon Comedy Four: The what are where?
- Doris Roberts: If it were all so innocent, why didn't you tell me about it?
- John Roberts: Men don't their wives things like that.
- Doris Roberts: In the meantime, I'm still the boss around here. And what I say - goes! And I say: Get Out!
- John Roberts: That's fine. That's just dandy.
- Charlotte Evans: That double-crossing snake swore he loved me. Promised to divorce you and marry me. That was before I went to Europe with him.
- Doris Roberts: You went with him?
- Charlotte Evans: Sure, I did! I was crazy about him! And he swore he was crazy about me. Oh, I'm a good girl. You know that, Mrs. Roberts. Why, I'm just a kid. I'm only seventeen.
- Vassily Vassiloff: Stop! I'm going to change the whole thing. Give me 300 pair of snowshoes!
- Herbert T. Herbert: Black or tan?
- Vassily Vassiloff: Get out! Turn around! The other direction! Places! One-Two! One-Two! One-Two!
- Woman in Charge of Fitting: Oh, Mrs. Roberts, these crinoline skirts shrunk so in the laundry, that we won't be able to use them. What shall I do?
- Doris Roberts: Have 'em dyed plaid, and we'll use 'em for kilts!
- Doris Roberts: You know that grizzly bear costume we had so much trouble making?
- John Roberts: Yes?
- Doris Roberts: Well, now the man doesn't want it: he's developed laryngitis and can't growl!
- Herbert T. Herbert: Good evening, sir. Is there anything I can do for you?
- Lady Godiva's Husband: [curtly] Who are you?
- Herbert T. Herbert: Well, I don't like to boast, but I'm the brains and possibly the lifeblood of this organization.
- Lady Godiva's Husband: [skeptically] Oh, I see.
- Herbert T. Herbert: Yes sir, head of the Research Department. I'm always looking things up. In fact, I look up things so much, if anyone asks me how business is, I just say, "Well, it's looking up." Ha ha ha... pretty good, eh?
- Lady Godiva's Husband: [angrily] I think it's *putrid*!
- Doris Roberts: Herb! Oh, Herb, come here. Tell the switchboard girl to call me in my husband's office, say it's Ziegfeld calling. Tell her to give me a dead line.
- Herbert T. Herbert: That reminds me: I called Ziegfeld once, but he didn't answer. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.
- Doris Roberts: Mr. Vassiloff, this is Mr. Brighton, and Mr. Paisley.
- Paisley: How do you do?
- Vassily Vassiloff: [with a supercilious expression] I don't care to meet them!
- Vassily Vassiloff: [after having been asked to make a deposit on his large order for costumes] I cannot spare the money!
- Doris Roberts: [a bit perplexed] You said you had 5 million to spend?
- Vassily Vassiloff: [grandiosely] I have everything necessary for a 5 million-dollars production!... except the 5 million dollars.
- Laffingwell - Hired Butler: The Delman brothers are still waiting to see you, sir.
- Vassily Vassiloff: Let them wait! That will be all, Laffingwell.
- Laffingwell - Hired Butler: Yes, sir.
- Vassily Vassiloff: Oh, and Laffingwell... Don't bother sending out the dirty laundry. Just throw the dirty clothes away.
- Laffingwell - Hired Butler: Yes, sir.
- Herbert T. Herbert: [on the phone] Hello? Business is terrible... What, Moe Kelsey shot himself because his show failed?... That's terrible. Well, he certainly shot the right man.
- Frank Harriman: Possibly you boys don't know what I've been up against this year. Why, do you know I've had to have the bottom of my yacht scraped - twice?