Woman Haters (1934)
Moe Howard: Tom
Photos
Quotes
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Jim : Fellas, I tell you, you got me all wrong! I was minding my own business when that woman came along. Suddenly, she fainted, now I'm asking you: if a woman faints right in your arms, what is there to do? You don't think that I'd fool around with a sappy dame like that? Her eyes are like a cat, and her hair is like a rat.
Tom : Well, just the same, we signed a paper, and that paper reads: "No woman shall ever enter our lives, no matter what she needs."
Jack : And the next time you're with a girl, you're gonna forfeit your dough. And furthermore, you have no right...
Jim : All right! All right, I know!
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Club Chairman : I pronounce you members of the Woman Haters Club.
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Tom : Now that you've signed, please bear in mind: From now on, no women around of any kind! Right?
Jim : Right!
Jack : Now the forfeit we'll post.
Tom : Fill 'em up!
Jim : Fill 'em up!
Tom : Now I'll make a toast: To the Three Musketeers, who've stuck along for years. We've traveled together, in every kind of weather.
Jack : Right?
Jim : Right!
Jack : What have you got to say for yourself?
Jim : Me?
Jack : You.
Jim : I've got plenty to say for myself.
[hiccups]
Jim : I beg your pardon, mates; here's to the finest salesmen in the whole United States!
Tom : Say, by the way, don't we leave for the road tonight?
Jack : What day is this?
Tom : The twenty-first.
Jack : By golly, you're right!
Tom : Let's hurry back. We've got to pack our samples for the trip.
Jim : Okay, before we go, let's take another sip.
Jack : Here's to our trip.
Tom : You'd better see your girl and offer her your sympathy.
Jack : Tell her that the bride to be is not the bride to be. Right?
Jim : Right.
[hiccups]
Jim : Rain or shine or rain, I'll meet youse at the train, and now I'll tell the lady that I'll never see her again.
[They toast, breaking their mugs]
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Mary : [sings] Oh, I'm in trouble, a lot of trouble, I really don't know what to do. Can I get some help from you?
Tom : Tell me, is it really serious?
Mary : You'll never know how serious.
Jack : Let me help her, she's delirious! Look!
Jim : She's gonna faint...
Tom : Oh no, she ain't!
Mary : Oh, I can't bear it, I can't go on, Won't someone help me to my room? Or I'll go right to my doom...
Tom : Well little girl, if that's the case, I'll go with you almost anyplace.
Mary : Oh, thank you!
Tom : Okay, toots.
Mary : Thank you!
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Jim : Fellas, I'll have to quit that club I joined last week.
Jim : That's what I said.
Tom : Why, you big fathead! What do you mean?
Jim : It's this way: I met a beautiful girl, and fell head over heels in love.
Tom : Why, you must be out of your mind!
Jack : You're crazy!
Tom : What are you thinking of?
Jim : But I promised to marry her tonight.
Tom : Why, don't you know, if you violate the rules of the club, you're just as good as dead?
Jack : If you get married, you'll be carried out and bonked right on the head!
Tom : Down with the traitors of the Woman Haters Club!
Jim : Fellas, you've convinced me. I guess that you're right. I'll have to call the wedding off, I'll tell her tonight.
Jack : That's fine, but how can we be certain you won't give us the double-cross?
Jim : I'll put up my bankroll. If I miss, I'll take the loss.
Tom : I got a better idea than that, I'll tell you what let's do: Jackie, me and you, put up our bankrolls too. We'll sign an agreement that we three will stick together for life, and never even look at a girl, and never take a wife!
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Train Conductor : [punches the train ticket] There. Say, what's that button that you wear? 'W.H.', what can that be?
Jack : Woman Haters.
Train Conductor : Oh, I see.
Tom : That's our organization.
Jack : Why?
Train Conductor : It appeals to me somehow.
Jack : Would you like to join?
Train Conductor : Yes, sir!
Tom : Okay, we'll initiate you now!
[Poses the conductor's right arm to his side, takes his hat off, closes the conductor's eyes by waving his palm over them, and gives him a pretend "eye poke" on the forehead]
Tom : I now pronounce you a member of the Woman Haters' Club!
[puts a badge on the conductor's coat]
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Mary : [Jim moves her to another chair as Tom and Jack enter the room] What does this mean! Are you crazy, or what?
Jim : You fainted, did you forgot?
Jack : What do you think, Tommy?
Tom : It's tommyrot! Come here. Come here!
[Tom drags Jim and Jack out of the room]
Mary : Is there something I can do, dear?
Mary : [by herself] Well, I wonder what that's all about. Is it possible he's a thief? Something tells me this marriage of mine is going to end in grief.
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Tom : [sings] For you, for you my love, my life, my all,
Mary : [sings] We'll see the evening twilight falling,
Tom : I'll come home to you,
Mary : Calling...
Tom : You-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo
Mary : You'll croon,
Tom : Buh-buh-buh-booo...
Mary : A little song beneath the moon,
[Tom whistles silently]
Mary : And when you're finished with your crooning,
Tom , Mary : On my knees I'll fall, My life, my love, my all!
[song ends]
Jim : Come on, explain yourself, and you better do it quick!
Mary : Breaking into my room this way is the lowest kind of a trick!
Jim : But darling...
Jim : Aw, forget it, I thought I was talkimg to you.
Tom : 'Me'? Where do you get that stuff? What are you trying to do?
Jack : What are you doing here with this gal? That's what I want to know!
Tom : Come on outside, and I'll tell you.
Jim : All right, come on, let's go.
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Jim : Where's Jackie?
Mary : [sings] Oh come to me, come to me, tell me I'm your heart's desire, Oh come to me, come to me, Let me feel the bliss of your maddening kiss...
Tom : Open that door, or I'll break it down!
[Tom and Jim knock loudly on the door]
Mary : Oh!
Tom : Remember, you're a Woman Hater!
Mary : [Mary tries to find a hiding place for Jack] Oh! Okay, under there. Under here!
Tom : You can't get away with it!
[Tom and Jim engage in a brief face-slapping fight]
Mary : Oh! Play dead, play dead!
[Jack lies down on the couch; Tom and Jim finally break the door down]
Mary : Shh, the poor boy is ill. Be quiet till he awakes.
[Mary slaps Jack and he falls asleep]
Mary : Fever, he's hot.
Tom : Don't worry.
Tom : [sings] I got what it takes to cure him.
Mary : Don't you dare strike him!
Jim : What's the matter? Do you like him?
Mary : If you dare to lay a hand on him, I'll scream!
[Tom pushes Mary aside, then starts pounding Jack's chest and poking his eyes]
Jim : [Tom pinches and slaps Jim's nose] Ow!
Jack : Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
[Tom slaps Jack on the forehead]
Tom : Come on now, scram you mugs! Did you hear what I said?
[Jim and Jack leave]
Tom : [to Mary] And don't disturb us again, we're going to bed!
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Tom : [slaps Jack] Who asked you to come out of your room? What are you doing? Who are you looking for?
Jim : Let me out! Let me at him!
Mary : Oh, a couple of acrobats!
[Jim, Tom and Jack get into their beds]
Mary : Now you pay attention and you might get a big surprise! I'll relieve your tension by telling you that I'm wise! This man's my husband, we got married a couple of hours ago, and the agreement that you fellas signed is false and it don't go, 'cause every one of you cheated! I can prove it and I know! Move over!
Jim : Move over?
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Club Chairman : The thirtieth meeting of the Woman Haters' club is called.
Club Doorman : Mr. Chairman, there's a man outside.
Club Chairman : Tell him to come inside!
[an elderly Jim enters]
Club Chairman : Well, what do you want?
Jim : I want to join the Woman Haters' Club!
Jim : [sings] For you, for you, my life, my love, my all, Each evening when the twilight's falling, I'll come home to you, calling...
Tom , Jack : Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo,
Jim : I'll croon...
Jack : [sings] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo
Jim : A little song about the moon,
[Jim whistles, holding his cane, imitating a flute player]
Tom , Jack , Jim : And when I'm finished crooning, on my knees I'll fall,
Jack : My life,
Jim : My love,
Tom : My all!
