Kiss Me, Stupid (1964)

Dean Martin: Dino

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dino : [on a cabaret stage, pretending to be drunk]  I have an amazing mother, you know. She is 85 years old and she don't need no glasses.

  [pauses] 

  Dino : She drinks right out of the bottle.

• Dino : Did you hear a story about the girl and the lobster?

  Orville J. Spooner : No, how's it go?

  Dino : Well, this girl was sittin' in a movie house and this guy sat down next to her, and they were sittin' in the dark, and they were watchin' the picture, see? And suddenly she felt somethin' crawling up her leg and

  [pinches Polly] 

  Dino : pinched her!

  Polly the Pistol : [jumping]  Ouch!

  Orville J. Spooner : Go on!

  Dino : Then she felt something crawling again and

  [pinches Polly] 

  Dino : pinched her again! She said, "What is the idea, you pinching me?" And he said, "Well, it wasn't me...

  [laughing] 

  Dino : it was my lobster!"

  Orville J. Spooner : [laughing]  His lobster?

  Dino : He explained it. He said, "A friend of mine gave me a live lobster and I said, 'Gee, that's wonderful, I think I'll take it home for dinner!' He said, 'No, it already had dinner...

  [laughing] 

  Dino : why don't you take it to a movie?'"

• Dino : There was the one about this doctor, you see? He was examining a girl's knee and he says, "What's a joint like this doing on a pretty girl like you?"

• Dino : [responding to an offer to buy the rights for a song]  I need another Italian song like a giraffe needs a strep throat.

• Zelda Spooner : ...Bobby Darin or Elvis.

  Dino : Elvis who?

  Zelda Spooner : I suppose you have never heard of the Beatles either.

  Dino : Oh sure. And I can sing better than all three of them.

  Zelda Spooner : There are four of them!

  Dino : Oh, haven't you heard? One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted.

  Zelda Spooner : You can make jokes about them but they're young and they're popular, while you...

  Dino : What about me?

  Zelda Spooner : Let's face it, you are over the hill.

  Dino : You sure do know how to hurt a fellow.

• Dino : [on a cabaret stage, pointing to a show girl]  Is this a bit of terrific? Heh? Last night she was banging on my door for 45 minutes!

  [pauses] 

  Dino : But I wouldn't let her out.

• Dino : Now look lady, you may have heard a lot of singers but you ain't heard nothin' sung till you've heard me sung it.

• Dino : [cringing as the hired help passes by]  Hey pal. Those gorgeous cocktail waitresses I heard so much about. Where are they?

  Bartender : This is it!

  Dino : You must be kidding. I've seen better navels on oranges.

  Bartender : Take that redhead over there. She was runner-up in Miss Nevada!

  Dino : What year?

• Mack Gray : [congratulating Dino for his act]  Great, Dino, you were great. They were rolling in the aisles.

  Dino : Why didn't somebody take the dice away?

• Dino : [stops at a road block]  What's the matter? That Sinatra kid missing again?

  Nevada State Trooper : We had a bad pile up down the highway. You'll have to take the detour.

  Dino : Where's that lead to?

  Nevada State Trooper : Come out at Barstow, by way of Warm Springs, Paradise Valley, and Climax.

  Dino : Its the only way to go.

• Dino : [on stage]  My doctor saids, "Stop drinking." So, I'm not going to drink any more. I'm going to freeze it now and eat it like a popsicle.

• Dino : [points at Ovrille's piano]  Is that the only action in this town?

  Orville J. Spooner : Oh, no. There's a bowling alley. Or, you can stand outside Pringle's hardware store and watch color television in the window.

  Dino : Hey, you're not reading me right, pal. What's with the broads around here?

  Orville J. Spooner : Broads? Oh, you mean action action.

  Dino : Yeah. It's a habit with me, like breathing.

  Orville J. Spooner : I should have known from the gossip columns.

  Dino : Well, it's not that I like to. You see, I have to because if I skip one night, I wake up the next morning with such a headache.

• Barney : I've been here for five years but this is the first time that anybody - oh, sure, back in '61, Liberace pulled in here with a flat tire, but we never had anybody that's somebody like you.

  Dino : Where's the Men's Room?

• Dino : I think I'll catch a little shut-eye myself, so I can be nice and fresh.

  Orville J. Spooner : Fresh?

  Dino : I have a hunch this may turn out to be a big night.

• Dino : [abruptly wakes up from a nap]  Where am I?

  Orville J. Spooner : In Climax!

• Polly the Pistol : How'd you happen to get stranded here?

  Dino : Oh, just lucky, I guess.

• Orville J. Spooner : Cocktail time. What would you like? Martini? Old fashioned? Vodka on the rocks?

  Dino : No, thanks.

  Orville J. Spooner : Nothing to drink?

  Dino : Just a bowl of bourbon and some crackers.

• Dino : You didn't have to go to all this trouble.

  Orville J. Spooner : What trouble? I'm very grateful. You see, this is our fifth wedding anniversary and I forgot to buy my wife a present; so, instead, she's getting you.

• Dino : What is this, Candid Camera?

• Polly the Pistol : I suppose I've put on a few pounds.

  Dino : Well, don't you worry about it. As far as I'm concerned, there couldn't be enough of you, baby.

• Dino : How come he calls you Lamb Chop?

  Polly the Pistol : Maybe it's because I wear paper panties.

  Dino : Paper panties?

• Orville J. Spooner : Skol.

  Dino : What?

  Orville J. Spooner : Skol!

  Dino : Sure, it's cold. It's got ice in it.

  Orville J. Spooner : Funny! Funny!

  Dino : Well, drink up and be somebody.

• Dino : Something tells me we're gonna have a ball. Won't we, Lamb Chop?

• Orville J. Spooner : All right, Lamb Chop, refill the shoes and let's have a little more music. What would you like to hear now?

  Dino : "Taps."

  Orville J. Spooner : Would you be interested in a nice little waltz? "When it's Pussy Willow Time in Picardy."

  Dino : I don't think I could do it justice.

• Dino : Not a bad-looking dame, if you like home cooking. But, me, I like to eat out, you know, Chinese one night, a little French cuisine another, and a little delicatessen in between.

• Orville J. Spooner : You heard me. O-U-T. Out!

  Dino : Take it easy. E-A-Z-Y.

• Bartender : The most popular one around here is Polly the Pistol.

  Dino : Polly the Pistol?

  Bartender : You can't go wrong with her. Fastest draw in the West.

  Dino : Now you're talking. Where is she?

  Bartender : Must be her night off.

  Dino : Oh, that's too bad, because I'd sure like to shoot it out with her.

• Dino : [singing]  If I'm all agitato, Every heartstring vibrato, Every kiss passionato...

• Dino : If you've got what it takes, sooner or later, somebody will take what you've got, baby.

• Dino : Look. You don't understand. This is my night off.

  Zelda Spooner : Well, it's my night on.

• Mack Gray : It isn't just Sylvia and Mitzi, there's all those other Indians. You got Janet in the dressing room, Juicy Lucy up in your suite, and those German twins waiting for you in the steam room.

  Dino : That's the whole idea. Now that I got everybody stashed away, I can beat it. So, you pack my stuff and put it in the car.

  Mack Gray : You're gonna leave just like that? Without saying goodbye?

  Dino : You're damn right. 'Cause if I started saying goodbye to all these dames, you'll have to carry me out of here - what's left of me - in a cigar box - baby.

• Dino : [on stage]  I guess you all know this is my last night here. Tomorrow morning I'm going to Hollywood to make a new picture - me, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr., and Joey Bishop - it's called "Little Women".

• Orville J. Spooner : About your problem, you know, that headache you were talking about, maybe you ought to try the Belly Button.

  Dino : The what?

  Orville J. Spooner : There's this roadhouse just outside town called the Belly Button. They've got these cocktail waitresses. They're very friendly. At least, that's what I hear. I've never been there myself.