The Oscar (1966)

Milton Berle: Kappy Kapstetter

Quotes 

• Frankie : [referring to Steve Marks]  What happened to him? He was a good actor. He made more pictures than I have.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : This is a chancy business, Frankie. You never know you're on the way out 'til you suddenly realize it would take a ticket to get back in.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Look, I'm - I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just trying to clear away the fog between you and reality.

• Frankie Fane : Don't lecture me, you've got to save me, Kappy.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : What am I, the second coming of the messiah? I'm an *agent*. There's just so much I can do.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : So. We take off the clown's happy face and see tears underneath.

  Sophie Cantaro : Don't, Kappy.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : You leave a man's career like a bag of broken glass, and you say, "Don't, Kappy"?

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Have you ever seen a moth smashed against a window? Leaves the dust of its wing. You're like that, Frankie. You leave a powder of dirt everywhere you touch.

• Sophie Cantaro : I want him to be *my* discovery, it's very important to me.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Is it... is it possible he's *too* important?

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Is there something more to this boy than just his talent?

  Sophie Cantaro : Alfred Kapstetter, I'm 42 years old. Don't be ludicrous.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : And me? I'm almost 60 and a certain percent of my money goes to pay ladies of the evening, not to reserve me a place in the senior citizen's column. You, you're 42, there are many good minutes left for you.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Well, what brings you to the Valley to see me over squab and wild rice?

• Frankie Fane : What about that spy thing at Warner's?

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : They signed Dean Martin.

  Frankie Fane : Dean Martin? That part was right for me.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Yeah, but they wanted Dean Martin.

• Sophie Cantaro : I'm someone else now. He changed me.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : No one changes anyone else. They merely open the doors. You have to walk through those doors yourself.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Some of Frankie's pictures have been your biggest grossers.

  Kenneth Regan : Certainly! Which ones? I'll tell you which ones. This one costarring John Wayne, this one with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine, this one with Kirk Douglas.

• Frankie Fane : Tell it like it is.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Well, they talk James Garner or Rod Taylor or somebody else. They won't talk you.

  Frankie Fane : When you tell it straight, you don't do any polka, do you?

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : There's a short-scheduled picture that I've been working on for you. It means a trick deal, a cut in salary. It's a nice script, one of those horror shticks with a couple of big name older actresses.

  Frankie Fane : Kappy, you've gotta be shuckin' me. Cut in salary? Trick deal? Old bags?

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : It's like tryin' to hatch an ostrich egg.

• Frankie Fane : You've got to save me, Kappy.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : What am I, the second coming of the Messiah? I'm an agent! There's just so much I can do.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : There's a television pilot deal, an adventure series.

  Frankie Fane : A television pilot?

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : I figured you'd feel that way about it.

  Frankie Fane : Pilot films are a dollar a six-pack. If it doesn't sell, I'm really through. This town is full of ex-actors who were in unsold television pilots. They're selling used cars or real estate.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Frankie, Winter is coming. Be smart. Get in out of the cold.

• Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Have you ever seen a moth smashed against a window? Leaves the dust of its wings. You're like that, Frankie. You leave a powder of dirt everywhere you touch.

• Frankie Fane : I'm gonna win that Oscar!

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Perhaps you will. But do you want me to tell you why you won that nomination? Because you played the role of a man without morals, a man without ethics or decency. You played the part of you, yourself, Frankie Fane. What you really are.

• Frankie Fane : Stinkin' creep!

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Hey, the sun is warm today.

  Frankie Fane : Miserable flesh peddier!

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : I think I'll take a nice rock steam bath.

  Frankie Fane : Drop dead, damn youl!

• Frankie Fane : Hymie, fix Kappy a plate of Huevos Rancheros.

  Hymie Kelly : Eggs rancheros coming up in honor of our Mexican friends below the border. Eggs made with chopped green tomatoes, some chilies, and a couple of squirts of Tequila guaranteed to cement inter-American relations.

  Alfred 'Kappy' Kapstetter : Just orange juice.