- MacPhisto: The poem that I just recited to you was composed in a hospital in Burma as I lay close to death, having been savagely beaten by a... a horde of outraged Belgian tourists. You will find this poem in my collected verse entitled... "Forests of Flesh".
- General R.A. Smight: You can't give blood to a member of your own family.
- Jack Christian: Why can't I?
- General R.A. Smight: Why can't you? Why can't you?
- Jack Christian: That was my question, yes.
- General R.A. Smight: Well because that's, that's... That's incest.
- T.M. Christian: Now look you people! This isn't some godforsaken border town where you can just, uh, go about as you please and, and bother innocent people and do... do... do... Mexican things!
- Charlie the cop: [the Hunchback juggler has just disappeared through a painting] Just one of those old, stereo-realists tricks, Sarge.
- Dr. A.B. Krankheit: [standing directly behind Candy while holding her hips] Now bend forward slowly.
- Candy Christian: [while bending] Ah-Oooooooooo.
- Dr. A.B. Krankheit: I'll tell you when to say Oooo.
- MacPhisto: I wonder if you'd allow me to drive you home.
- Candy Christian: That would be nice.
- MacPhisto: Where do you live?
- Candy Christian: Eighty three fifty seven and a half Schweitzer Terrace.
- MacPhisto: Uhh. Zero, can you find eighty three...
- Candy Christian: Fifty seven and a half.
- MacPhisto: Fifty seven and a half Schweitzer Terrace.
- Zero: Got ya, man.
- MacPhisto: That was Zero.
- Candy Christian: Your driver?
- MacPhisto: No, my friend. Several years ago, I was on a lectured tour of the Congo. One day after having delivered some of my works to Earl, an audience of not less than seven hundred "gonorite" warriors, a uh, uh, a fierce but poet loving tribe. I stumbled out into a clearing and saw an unfortunate native being attacked by a giant bush python. The man was already half digested when I ran to him, took him by the shoulders and tore him from the jaws of the slavering beast, and destroyed the animal with one slash of my ball-point pen. After sixteen delicate operations on his feet and mind, Zero was able to walk again. We have been together ever since.
- Candy Christian: I saw that story Tuesday night on the TV movie of the week.
- MacPhisto: In that case, I saved Zero from a lynch mob three years ago in Shreveport, Louisiana. The rope was already about his neck and then I started speaking my epic, The Brotherhood of Man in English, and then, and then in Welsh. It changed their minds and their lives. There is now a fully integrated school system in Shreveport, Louisiana. And Zero and I...
- Candy Christian: Have been together ever since?
- MacPhisto: Exactly.
- T.M. Christian: I know what the kids call me behind my back.
- Candy Christian: The kids don't call you anything behind your back, daddy.
- T.M. Christian: That's exactly what I mean. All the other teachers in this school have nicknames. I'm just plain old Mr. Christian.
- MacPhisto: I... am MacPhisto.
- Candy Christian: Hello, I am Candy, Candy Christian.
- MacPhisto: Candy... beautiful name, it has the spirit and the sound of the Old Testament.
- Jack Christian: Hey, did you see this one on the first bike?
- Livia: She looks like an ad in that magazine you get.
- Jack Christian: Whips and Chains?
- Livia: No, the other one, Leatherladies.
- Jack Christian: Oh, you're right, she does!
- General R.A. Smight: [after his men have just counted off] Pretty damned impressive, right?
- Jack Christian: I'll say. All those men counting right up to 24 without a single mistake.
- Dr. A.B. Krankheit: His mental capacity will be reduced to the level comparable to that of a rather mature cucumber.
- Dr. A.B. Krankheit: Good God, Harris, watch what you're doing! You're a brain surgeon, not a gynecologist!
- Candy Christian: But I don't know anything about acting.
- Jonathan J. John: Neither does the Grand Canyon, but that doesn't keep anyone from looking at it.
- Charlie the cop: Did you see what happened to the girl in the blue dress?
- Jonathan J. John: Who directed it?
- Grindl: They say in my country that the centipede has a thousand legs but he cannot tapdance.
- Candy Christian: I don't quite see the connection.
- Grindl: Well, it loses a little something in translation.
- Grindl: [Candy lies before Grindl] There is a place where the immutable self resides. We must search. Now, could it be here?
- [places hands on Candy's head]
- Grindl: No, I do not think so. Perhaps it is here.
- [squeezes Candy's right breast]
- Candy Christian: [surprised] m-m-m-m-m-mmm.
- Grindl: No, wrong again
- [squeezes Candy's left breast]
- Candy Christian: Mmmm-m-ah.
- Grindl: No. Or here.
- [grabs Candy's crotch]
- Candy Christian: [sharp intake of breath] No. I think, I mean it seems to me couldn't be there
- Grindl: I think it is. So soon, we found it so soon! It must be a sign!
- General R.A. Smight: Who were they, hm? I couldn't see much down there but I could see enough to tell that they were scum. Were they Albanians?
- Jack Christian: Oh, no, no, no it was just a personal thing.
- General R.A. Smight: I got a nose for Albanians. They looked like Albanians to me.
- Jack Christian: No, no, they were just some Mexicans.
- Jack Christian: Nobody loves your daddy any more than I do. I'd chop off my right arm for him.
- Livia: You're left handed.
- Jack Christian: Well, that's beside the point.
- Dr. A.B. Krankheit: You must remember that scientifically speaking the only difference between life and death is that death lasts a lot longer.
- Dr. Arnold Dunlap: I majored in abnormal psychology and I know orgies when I see them. I also know depravity and indecency and, I might ad, in flagrante delicto!
- Candy Christian: I don't know what that means.
- Dr. Arnold Dunlap: It means that you are to leave this place immediately.
- Dr. A.B. Krankheit: You're trying to out diagnose a world renowned surgeon who has attended eight institutions of higher education and who has more degrees than a thermometer.
- Grindl: Do not put your material shoes under holy water!
- Candy Christian: What shall I do with them?
- Grindl: Throw them into the material world!
- Jack Christian: You should be very proud Cand, this is quite a turnout for your old man... a lot of New York's wealthiest and most respected and, uh, thoroughly depraved citizens are here tonight.
- Jack Christian: [to his daughter] All right. All right. We'll talk about it later. We'll have a man to man talk.
- Grindl: What is your name?
- Candy Christian: Candy.
- Grindl: Candy. How do you spell that?
- Candy Christian: C-A-N-D-Y
- Grindl: Are you telling me the truth? Be careful.
- Candy Christian: Well of course I am. My name is...
- Grindl: Wait, wait! Do not say it again; it is a holy name. It is one of the unspoken.
- Candy Christian: I don't understand.
- Grindl: Listen. C-A-N-D-Y. Five letters, five the magic number. Five, the holy pentagram. The first letter of your name is C.
- [he holds his hand up in a "C" shape]
- Grindl: C, the sign of the eagle talon. The immutable symbol of masculine force. The last letter of your name, Y. The sign of the yunni, the all pervading female. And the middle is A-N-D. C and Y. Now do you understand?
- Candy Christian: This hospital is full of very sick people.
- Nurse Bullock: [enters] What did you say? Never mind, I heard what you said the first time. You said "sick".
- Candy Christian: All I meant was...
- Nurse Bullock: I don't give a damn what you meant. These people have feelings just like everyone else in the world. And they don't need to be subjected to any of your superior aires!
- Candy Christian: All I want to do is find Dr. Krankheit.
- Nurse Bullock: Oh? What for?
- Candy Christian: I want to ask him something.
- Nurse Bullock: I just bet you do. Well listen to me Miss Bright Eyes, I'm Dr. Kranheit's personal nurse. Personal!