- Petulia: I'd have turned those beautiful hands into fists.
- David Danner: Stop it, Petulia.
- Petulia: David, you were the gentlest man I ever knew.
- Petulia: When I lie dying - wondering what my life's all been about, you won't even cross my mind.
- [Archie starts to leave]
- Petulia: No, wait. I lied.
- Archie Bollen: About what?
- Petulia: I'll never forget you Arnold.
- Petulia: Careful! Can't you tell I'm not wearing a bra?
- Archie Bollen: No.
- Petulia: Don't think about it. It'll only excite you...
- Petulia: That's my husband over there. I've been married six months. I've never had an affair.
- Archie Bollen: It can happen.
- Petulia: Don't take it so bloody well. I've just turned you down.
- Petulia: Damn it, how can I have an affair with an unmarried man. There must be some equality of guilt.
- Archie Bollen: My divorce doesn't become final until next month.
- Petulia: I'll get my purse.
- Archie Bollen: Are we?
- Petulia: Are we what?
- Archie Bollen: About to become lovers?
- Petulia: No.
- Archie Bollen: Ah, you swinging young marrieds.
- Barney: You and Polo were a marvellous looking couple. Is there anything wrong with being a great looking couple? People turning around to stare? What was it, Archie? The sex bit? Huh? The ole sex bit?
- Archie Bollen: Barney, what would you say if I told you that one day I just got very tired of being married?
- Barney: It's still better than being out there in the dark, all by your god damn lonesome. Nobody has a life anymore. What do you want, Archie?
- Archie Bollen: I don't know what I want. To feel something.
- Petulia: I thought you were the most perfect thing I'd ever seen. "He can't be real. He must be - one of those plastic gadgets the Americans make so well. Ah, but, I want one."
- Janis Joplin, Herself: [singing] Road block! Road block! Road block! Ahhhhh! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block! Ahhhhhh! Road block! Road block! Road block! Road block!
- Petulia: Archie, why do you play this dumb game? This crappy pretense at resisting the beautiful lady? You should be jolly lucky I'm even talking to you. How many kids do you have besides fat Mike?
- Archie Bollen: Six.
- Petulia: Good night.
- Archie Bollen: Actually, there's only one besides Mike.
- Petulia: I'll meet you here.
- Petulia: No, no. You don't understand. It shouldn't be charming. You're missing the whole point. It should be - menacing! Gray! Terribly distraught! And I plunge madly into your arms!
- Petulia: Stop being so damn casual. We're about to become lovers. Did you bring an instrument?
- Archie Bollen: Huh?
- Petulia: Ring room service and ask the robot to send up something splendid and musical.
- Archie Bollen: Saxophone? Electric Organ? Tuba?
- Petulia: Tuba! Absolutely. Bless you, Archie. A tuba: something large and whirly. This is an event, Archie. We're about to become lovers.
- Petulia: Where are you rushing to? If we were - if we were making love you'd be exploring my navel or something like that. Time would be the last thing on your mind.
- Petulia: You look like a gargoyle. Poor, dumb Archie. You see, I'm all mixed up sexually. My Mum was a prostitute. The oldest professional lady in Bristol. My sister, too. Mavis. Only, she's not a landmark yet.
- Petulia: Go and call a proper doctor.
- Archie Bollen: What do you think I am?
- Petulia: Just a hairy legged old lecher running around in shorts.
- Topless Restaurant Announcer: Now we have our lovely Tina modeling rainwear. Beauty, grace, and a little sex. The seasons latests rain, I mean rage. All set for action. Indecent as a raindrop.
- Archie Bollen: Tell me about - eh - Bobby Kennedy. Picasso? Pickles? Talk about anything. Any damn thing. Take, ice cubes! Take either side. Talk for thirty seconds against ice cubes.
- Petulia: My great-grandmother's ninety-one and still has a granite chin.
- [Archie lies down on a vibrating bed]
- Petulia: My God, what a lecherous lot!
- Archie Bollen: Ninety-ones eh?
- Petulia: Yep. But not much fun.
- Archie Bollen: Well, ninety-one, hell.
- Petulia: Oh, she stopped having fun at twenty-eight when her husband was killed in the first war - in the trenches - looking just like Cary Grant with a waxed moustache. She can't remember him; but, she can remember Cary Grant; because, he come from Bristol, too, and he's always in the news. So, whenever Cary Grant's picture is in the paper, he gets a waxed moustache whether he likes it or not.
- Archie Bollen: [walks towards Petulia lying naked in his bed] Well, knocked off another one. One more notch in the old stethoscope.
- Petulia: You're a wonderful doctor.
- Barney: Isn't that the greatest lens you ever saw, Archie? Hey, you gotta admit those Japs really know how to grind a lens. What am I supposed to do? Spend the money on belly dancers?
- Wilma: You must - feel something?
- Archie Bollen: Yeah, I guess I do. Pity.
- Wilma: Go to the dog pound. You'll find two hundred dogs waiting to be gassed.
- Mr. Danner: It's been a terrible shock - to Mother and me. Our sailor boy and his pretty bride. As I said to Mother, "the values we lived by just don't seem to mean anything at all anymore. Our kids can chuck out two thousand years of Western civilization - of Christianity - just as though it wasn't worth a red cent." Mother's reply surprised and, well, really sort of tickled me: "It's easy to be an angel when you're old and worn out and nobody wants you anymore,"
- Jerry Garcia, Himself: [singing] The judge decreed it, the clerk he wrote it, Clerk he wrote it down indeed-e, Judge decreed it, clerk he wrote it - down...
- David Danner: Girls - are beautiful.
- Petulia: So are unicorns, centaurs, Calvary officers.
- David Danner: Short order cooks.
- Petulia: Poets. Men of science.