- Frederick Carver: Ahh this is the new kidney case.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: Yes Mr Bean.
- Frederick Carver: Ahh, Kidney Bean.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: ...there have been several incidents with nurses.
- Frederick Carver: Oh, come, come, Stoppidge, you know as well as I that all young Doctors indulge in a bit of jiggery pokery.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: Sir, I do not object to jiggery but I take exception to pokery!
- Miss Fosdick: Excuse me, sir!
- Frederick Carver: Miss Fosdick, don't keep plucking at me I'm not a chicken.
- Miss Fosdick: I'm sorry sir but you have an appointment at the Berkley Nursing home at eleven.
- Frederick Carver: It can wait.
- Miss Fosdick: It's to see Mrs Moore sir.
- Frederick Carver: and she... Oh that's different, rather wealthy private patient of mine, I took her appendix out the other day.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: Well I hope you both had a nice time.
- Frederick Carver: I'll make the jokes thank you, Stoppidge.
- Ellen Moore: I feel wonderful Mr Carver, I had no idea having one's appendix out could be so exhilarating. I feel ten years younger.
- Frederick Carver: Splendid! Splendid!
- Ellen Moore: Be honest now. Do I really look like a woman of forty?
- Frederick Carver: You really feel as young as that?
- Ellen Moore: No, that's what I am!
- Ellen Moore: ...they told me you were a wonderful surgeon.
- Frederick Carver: Well I suppose I am a cut above the rest.
- Frederick Carver: [waiter serves the wine for Ellen and Mr. Carver] This is the happiest moment of my life!
- Waiter: I would taste it first, mate, if I was you.
- Nurse: She thinks every man is after her.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: [to the nurse] Well, we can't have her disturbing the rest of the patients like this.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: [to Miss. Armitage] Now come, come, Miss Armitage. We mustn't be a silly girl, must we?
- Miss Armitage: [shouting] Keep back! Keep back!
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: You know me. I'm Doctor Stoppidge.
- Miss Armitage: Hmph. You're all the same. You're only after one thing.
- Dr. Ernest Stoppidge: No, no - that'd be quite untrue, Miss. Armitage. I only want to get you into bed.
- Miss Armitage: [screaming] Get out of here, you sex maniacs!
- Native Porter: All right, Dr. Cookie.
- Dr. Jimmy Nookey: Nookey, mate, Nookey.
- Native Porter: Yes, yes - Cookie.
- Native Porter: [introducing Nookey] This is Doctor Kinky.
- Dr. Jimmy Nookey: Cookie. No, no, no... I mean Nookey.
- Dr. Jimmy Nookey: Hmm. That's a good skeleton. Did the last doctor leave it here?
- Gladstone Screwer: That is the last doctor.
- Matron: I'm sorry doctor but I cannot stay with that man any longer.
- Dr. Jimmy Nookey: Why, what happened?
- Matron: I'd rather not say. All they think about is whisky and sex.
- Dr. Jimmy Nookey: Well where he comes from they can't get soda.
- Gladstone Screwer: You don't have to move out, you know. It's a big bed.
- Matron: Well as I told you earlier today, I'm not your sort of woman.
- Gladstone Screwer: I don't mean anything nasty. I'll marry you first.
- Matron: Marry me? Are you mad? Marry me in the middle of the night?
- Gladstone Screwer: Where I come from it's a very simple ceremony.
- [He produced a knife. Matron screams]
- Gladstone Screwer: It's all right, nothing to worry about. We just make a quick cut in each other's left hand, put them together, say "We are one" and it's all legal.
- Matron: Oh... I see... sort of instant wedlock?
- Gladstone Screwer: That's it. Only out there they call it a bleedin' ceremony.
- Matron: Yes, they often call it that here too.
- Gladstone Screwer: Right, are you ready then?
- Matron: No! I have no urge to marry you.
- Gladstone Screwer: Oh, don't worry about that. The urge comes later!
- Lord Paragon: I can't love you nurse. I just want to suck dick all day. I'm a submissive breedable femboy