- Alan: Bums are nothing really - everyone's got a bum. Always have had - they're nothing to be ashamed of. Dicks aren't either - everyone's got a dick. It's only the human torso. Tits included - I mean they're just for feeding babies with, deep down, not for bouncing about. The same goes for getting a feel. Kissing's different. A kiss is...
- Tommy: Girls like it as well, you know.
- Alan: Like what?
- Tommy: What boys like... and some of them bloody love it.
- Alan: I'm not talking about just French girls.
- Tommy: [knowingly] Aye, I'm not either.
- [Abbo and Shaz are helping Alan learn his lines. They come to the line where Alan's character kisses Ann's character]
- Alan: [quoting line from play] "I have seen the light of truth in what's happened and the light of love in your fiancée's eyes - love for me."
- Abbo: Then you stride over to her, take her in your arms and... bleeeeugh!
- [Abbo pretends to vomit]
- Shaz: Puke and vomitudinosty!
- Abbo: Spewosity upthrow!
- Alan: [echoing Ann's comment to him earlier] That's stupid, that. Long drivel words that don't mean anything.
- [Alan walks off in disgust]
- Shaz: He's getting more like my Auntie Phyllis every day.
- Abbo: It's the strain of learning his lines.
- Shaz: Either that or he's been overdoing it.
- [Abbo looks horrified]
- Abbo: Overdoing it can't make you go like you Auntie Phyllis, can it?
- [in bed, praying as he wakes up from an erotic dream about Ann]
- Alan: Please God. Let it be today. Somehow, let it come true today. I know Thursdays are difficult for you, what with the girls having double Domestic Science while we're in double PT. But it's just somehow... I don't think I can last out another day. And in return I promise, I hereby solemnly promise that I won't even *think* about... the other things. Well, *try* not to think about the other things. I didn't all day yesterday, or last night when I got into bed. And I'm not now, honest to God, God.
- [he takes his hands out from under the bedclothes to prove that he's not been masturbating]
- Alan: Look, no hands. Please God. Today or tomorrow - or early next week at the latest, weather permitting. Just *one* kiss. One'll do. Amen. And I'll never ask for anything again. Promise.
- [as he is walking to school, Alan flamboyantly bowls an imaginary cricket ball, and pulls a muscle. As he hops around in agony he sees two workmen watching him]
- Alan: Aaaargh! It's cramp! Bloody hell-fire and scrotums.
- Road Worker: Millions of pounds on education.
- Road Worker: It'll be with him living under the shadow of the Bomb, I expect.
- [Alan has finally kissed Ann]
- John Arlott - Cricket Commentator: And Duckworth has done it. England have won the most dramatic victory in the history of cricket. The entire crowd - and I'll wager the entire nation - rises to its feet in homage to Quack-Quack Duckworth who went to the wicket a boy... and came back a man.