Porky's (1981)

Eric Christmas: Mr. Carter

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Quotes 

• Balbricker : [1:07:15]  Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...

  Mr. Carter : [abrupt]  Miss Balbricker!

  Balbricker : Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again

  [a murmur of mirth rises from several occupants] 

  Balbricker : . Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

  [pause] 

  Balbricker : [irritably]  Well, what are you gonna do about it?

  [Carter hums and hars] 

  Mr. Carter : Err

  [finally speaks] 

  Mr. Carter : Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker.

  [sighs] 

  Mr. Carter : Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.

  Balbricker : We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment

  [Carter repeats "Hoods" in disbelief] 

  Balbricker : . Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That

  [pause] 

  Balbricker : tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

  Mr. Carter : Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... aaa... their... yaha...

  [composes himself] 

  Mr. Carter : their private parts

  [now firmly] 

  Mr. Carter : for an incriminating mole?

  Balbricker : But Mr. Carter.

  Coach Brakett : [stops stifling his giggling and speaks up]  Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists.

  [Carter rolls his eyes] 

  Coach Brakett : And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick?

  [Carter struggles not to grin] 

  Coach Brakett : Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous.

  [falls off his chair] 

  Coach Brakett : It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

  [everyone including Carter falls about laughing in hysterics as an enraged Balbricker storms out in a fury]