Porky's (1981)

Boyd Gaines: Coach Brackett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Balbricker : [1:07:15]  Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...

  Mr. Carter : [abrupt]  Miss Balbricker!

  Balbricker : Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again

  [a murmur of mirth rises from several occupants] 

  Balbricker : . Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

  [pause] 

  Balbricker : [irritably]  Well, what are you gonna do about it?

  [Carter hums and hars] 

  Mr. Carter : Err

  [finally speaks] 

  Mr. Carter : Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker.

  [sighs] 

  Mr. Carter : Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.

  Balbricker : We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment

  [Carter repeats "Hoods" in disbelief] 

  Balbricker : . Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That

  [pause] 

  Balbricker : tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

  Mr. Carter : Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... aaa... their... yaha...

  [composes himself] 

  Mr. Carter : their private parts

  [now firmly] 

  Mr. Carter : for an incriminating mole?

  Balbricker : But Mr. Carter.

  Coach Brakett : [stops stifling his giggling and speaks up]  Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists.

  [Carter rolls his eyes] 

  Coach Brakett : And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick?

  [Carter struggles not to grin] 

  Coach Brakett : Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous.

  [falls off his chair] 

  Coach Brakett : It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

  [everyone including Carter falls about laughing in hysterics as an enraged Balbricker storms out in a fury] 

• Coach Brakett : [Walks up on the gang while Ted and Brian are away from the gang talking about his plan for revenge against Porky]  Count me in.

  Tommy Turner : [Sees him]  You could get fired, Coach.

  Coach Brakett : Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived.

  [They all laugh] 

  Coach Brakett : I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake.

  Tommy Turner : You look much older.

  Coach Brakett : Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner.

  [Tommy laughs; Roy shows the kids a scar on his head] 

  Coach Brakett : You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch.

• Coach Brakett : She's a virgin.

  Coach Goodenough : Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish.

• Coach Brakett : That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for fucking food.

• Coach Brakett : [regarding Miss Honeywell]  Oh boy, would I like to get next to that.

  Coach Warren : Ah yes, Lassie.

  Coach Brakett : Lassie?

  Coach Warren : Patience my boy, patience.

  Coach Brakett : Why do they call her Lassie?

  Coach Warren : Why do you think?

  Coach Brakett : I dunno.

  Coach Warren : Awooooooo.

  Coach Brakett : You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake.

  Coach Warren : Well, what can I tell ya?

  Coach Brakett : You can tell me why they call her Lassie.

  Coach Warren : Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.

• Balbricker : [Sees Miss Honeywell and Coach Brackett in the stairwell as she is about to come down]  Miss Honeywell, do you mind?

  Honeywell : [Quietly but sarcastically]  Do I mind what?

  Balbricker : [as she starts down the stairs past them]  It's disgusting! The two of you... squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. You're a disgrace.

  Honeywell : [Getting in her face]  Yeah? Well, it's certainly better than stomping and waddling around like a frigid hippopotamus, Beulah!

  Balbricker : [Hissing]  What did you call me?

  Honeywell : [drawing each word out]  Beulah. Beulah Ball-breaker.

  Balbricker : [Yelling]  Who do you think you're talking to?

  Honeywell : [Voice slowly increasing in volume]  Well, if I heard a hurdy-gurdy playing, I'd think I was talking to the fat lady in the circus, but as it stands I guess I'm talking to a bunch of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!

  Coach Brakett : [Gets up]  Look, ladies...

  Honeywell : [Both she and Balbricker push him back down; without even looking at him]  You butt out!

  Balbricker : [pause, then]  Moral turpitude.

  Honeywell : What?

  Balbricker : [Louder]  Moral turpitude! Read your contract, Miss Honeywell! I'll have you fired for moral turpitude!

  [she walks off smirking] 

  Honeywell : [as Balbricker continues down the stairs]  You can take your moral turpitude and shove it up the old yazoo, Beulah!

  Coach Brakett : [Stands up, concerned]  Gee, Lynn, I don't know... moral turpitude...

  Honeywell : Oh, come on.

  [Runs upstairs pulling him by the hand, making him stumble up with her]