Porky's (1981)

Chuck Mitchell: Porky

Photos 

Quotes 

• Porky : [Coming down to the bar]  Who's asking to see me?

  Mickey : Mr. Porky, I am.

  Porky : What do you want?

  Mickey : Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen.

  Porky : You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?

  Mickey : [Thinks a second]  An hour.

  Porky : A whole hour. What do you got to spend? Bottle caps?

  Mickey : Hundred bucks!

  Porky : Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies.

  [pause] 

  Porky : Go home, snot nose.

  [Turns away] 

  Mickey : Porky, wait a minute.

  Porky : [Turns back around]  *Mister* Porky.

  Mickey : Well, how many girls can we get for a hundred?

  Porky : There's five of you, right?

  [They all nod] 

  Porky : That's a lot of horny dicks. I'll let you have two girls for an hour, or three or a half-hour.

  Mickey : That's all?

  Porky : Hey, no one's forcing you, but it's a long ride back home and it's even longer with a hard on.

  Mickey : Okay, okay, we'll take three for thirty minutes.

• [the Angel Beach gang cheers after sinking Porky's into the swamp] 

  Porky : [furious]  You're dead, you sons of bitches. I'm gonna get ya.

  [the teens escape in the tow truck with Meat grabbing his crotch] 

  Porky : I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands!

  [to his minions] 

  Porky : Get that Pigmobile out here! You're gonna die! I'm coming after ya! You're all dead! I'm gonna break your fuckin' necks myself!

  [Pee Wee detonates a bridge to slow Porky down] 

• Billy : All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?

  [Porky, with a couple of bouncers, storms out the strip joint holding a bat] 

  Pee Wee Morris : Yo, Billy.

  Porky : Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I'll educate ya! I'll wrap this right around your damn neck! Come on, move it!

  Billy : [taunts Porky]  Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now.

  Porky : You better be. Go on, get your ass on home!

  Billy : I hope shit floats!

  Porky : You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little shit!

• Porky : [as the Pigmobile pulls up behind the tow truck and they all get out, to Ted]  I want those mosey little mothas arrested, and I mean like right now! Those boys just destroyed my night club.

  Ted Jarvis : How'd they do that?

  Porky : They've been coming in the last couple of weeks.

  Ted Jarvis : Which ones?

  Porky : [Points to Tim then Mickey]  This one, and that little bastard back there!

  Ted Jarvis : [Points to them himself]  You mean this 16-year-old and this 17-year-old youngster were frequenting your establishment?

  Sheriff Wallace : [Butts in]  They've been coming in before! This ain't the first time, especially that little son-of-a-bitch...

  Porky : [Stops him, now uneasy]  Look, we may have made a mistake. They're obviously youngsters.

  Sheriff Wallace : What are you talking about, Pork?

  Porky : [Quietly, emphasizing]  They're youngsters!

  Sheriff Wallace : [to Ted]  No, look! Those boys just destroyed my station house! Destroyed two of my cars! I want them booked on felony charges of destruction of private property, and assault and battery!

  Ted Jarvis : Now hold on, Sheriff.

  Sheriff Wallace : "Hold on", my ass!

  Ted Jarvis : [Brandishing his rifle]  You're in *my* county now! I wonder what I could book you for.

  [Looks over the car, then breaks one of the headlights with the butt of his rifle] 

  Mickey : [as everyone cheers and laughs]  Get him, brother!

  Ted Jarvis : [to Porky]  Broken headlight. That's a $50 fine in Seward County.

  Porky : [Pulls a $50 bill from his wad of cash]  Got that right here.

  [Ted then cocks his rifle and shoots the left front tire of the car, Porky is then seen clearing out his ear, then quietly to his brother] 

  Porky : Damn!

  Ted Jarvis : Blown tire.

  [Shrugs] 

  Ted Jarvis : That's too bad.

  [Everyone laughs, he then shoots the radiator and we hear the pig-whistle horn die] 

  Ted Jarvis : Broken radiator. This car's a mess.

  [More laughter from the crowd. He reloads and aims at the hood ornament from his hip] 

  Meat : [Leading the cheers]  Do it! Do it!

  [He does] 

  Porky : [Quietly throwing a fit]  Daw shit!

  Porky : Broken hood ornament. Any questions?

• Porky : [to Ted]  All right, how much do you want?

  Ted Jarvis : I'll let you off on the promise that you get your fat ass back across that county line, and the promise from your brother that all peccadilloes that may have occurred tonight will be forgotten.

  Sheriff Wallace : [to Ted]  Why don't you stick it up your...

  [Porky covers his mouth] 

  Porky : Promise him, for Christ sakes! Promise him!

  Sheriff Wallace : [Removes Porky's hand]  Yeah, I promise to shove my foot...

  [Porky re-covers his mouth, then gets in his face] 

  Porky : Promise him, you asshole, or you'll be back shoveling the pig shit!

  Sheriff Wallace : [Pulls his hand away again, then turns away disgusted, quietly]  I promise.

  Ted Jarvis : [Almost taunting him]  What's that? I couldn't hear ya!

  Sheriff Wallace : [Turns back, yelling]  I said I promise, you mother...

  [Porky covers his mouth once again, he removes it] 

  Sheriff Wallace : I promise.

  [Everyone cheers] 

  Ted Jarvis : [to Porky]  All right, now get this car out of Seward County.

  Porky : You blew away our engine and we have a flat tire. How?

  Ted Jarvis : [Pats him]  Just put a little weight behind it. I'm sure you boys can manage that.

  Porky : [Ted walks away, to his goons]  All right, get your shoulders behind this thing.

  [as they push the car back towards the county line, the celebration begins] 

• Sheriff Wallace : [From a network or basic cable version] 

  [Porky's brother, the Sheriff, pulls up after the boys have been thrown out of Porky's, into the water] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Hold it! Hold it!

  Sheriff Wallace : [Sees Pee Wee trying to sneak away]  Ya better freeze, mister!

  [He does] 

  Sheriff Wallace : What's going on here, Pork?

  Porky : [Referring to the boys in the water]  We was just cleaning out the septic system here, and look what came floating up to the surface!

  Pee Wee Morris : [to Porky]  Liar!

  Sheriff Wallace : [to Pee-Wee]  Shut up, boy.

  Pee Wee Morris : But he's lying!

  Sheriff Wallace : Just shut up.

• Sheriff Wallace : [Sheriff Wallace, Porky's brother, arrives with his storm troopers to catch Mickey, Tommy, Meat, Tim and Pee Wee in the act]  Hold it! Hold it!

  [the Sheriff sees Pee Wee trying to sneak away] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Ya better fuckin' freeze, mister!

  [He does] 

  Sheriff Wallace : What's goin' on here, Pork?

  Porky : I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of shit come floatin' up to the surface.

  Pee Wee Morris : [to Porky, offended]  Hey!

  Sheriff Wallace : [to Pee Wee]  Shut up, boy. Just shut up.

• [Porky's bar & strip joint has just been sunk in the swamp by the gang] 

  Porky : [horrified]  It's gone. Porky's is gone.

• Sheriff Wallace : Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.

  [Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Where's your car, boy?

  Mickey : [points to his Ford pick-up truck]  Right there.

  Sheriff Wallace : You from Seward County?

  Mickey : Yeah.

  Sheriff Wallace : Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.

  Mickey : I don't have a busted headlight.

  Sheriff Wallace : Don't have a busted headlight?

  [the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs] 

  Mickey : [shocked]  Shit!

  Sheriff Wallace : That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!

  Tommy Turner : I've got fifteen bucks.

  Pee Wee Morris : I've got-I've got five.

  Sheriff Wallace : You got five, you got fifteen, huh?

  Meat : I've got twelve.

  Tim : I think I got three.

  Porky : [to his goons]  Watch this.

  [the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight] 

  Mickey : [grows angry]  Goddamn it!

  [Porky and his goons laughing] 

  Sheriff Wallace : You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?

  Mickey : I've got ten.

  Sheriff Wallace : Give it to me! Give me all you got.

  [the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?

  Porky : Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.

  Sheriff Wallace : You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!

  [the boys pile up in Mickey's truck] 

  Sheriff Wallace : Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?

  Porky : [to his goons]  I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.