- Jessica Fletcher: [to Preston Giles] You know, back in Cabot Cove, the only thing we have with claws are lobsters, and we eat 'em.
- [Police Chief Gunderson questions Preston Giles and his house guests]
- Chief Roy Gunderson: Suppose you tell me what happened here last night, Mr. Giles. Folks don't go around gettin' half their heads blown off for no reason. I'm lookin' for motive.
- Peter Brill: For killing Caleb McCallum? Surely you jest. Half the country had reason to kill him. The other half didn't know him.
- Chief Roy Gunderson: Not funny, friend.
- Ashley Vickers: But accurate. The Captain wasn't particularly well loved. Though I doubt that any of us despised him enough to kill him.
- Louise McCallum: Except for me... That's what you're all thinking, isn't it?
- [pause]
- Louise McCallum: I didn't kill my husband. At least... I don't think I did.
- Kitty Donovan: Grady's told me so much about you.
- Jessica Fletcher: Isn't that a coincidence? Grady's told me absolutely nothing about you.
- Preston Giles: I'm so sorry. I should have told you. The party tonight, we're coming as our favorite fictional character. I know, I know. you haven't got a thing to wear.
- Jessica Fletcher: Well, I could always come as Lady Godiva.
- Jessica Fletcher: You know, George, rudeness does not become you.
- George: I know, but it's a job requirement.
- Jessica Fletcher: Excuse me, do you have four quarters for a dollar?
- Bag Lady: Nope. I've got three quarters for a dollar.
- Jessica Fletcher: Oh, yes... .three quarters. You must do quite well.
- Bag Lady: Beats hell out of welfare, sweetie.
- Jessica Fletcher: [During a TV interview] Well, uh, actually, I never suspected that my book would be published. I really wrote it... well, for my own enjoyment, I guess. You know, like, like some people needlepoint or paint and...
- TV Book Critic: [Sarcastically] Then you have no pretensions to having created "literature." How refreshing in an era dedicated to the beatification of the trivial and the canonization of the mundane.
- Jessica Fletcher: Well, on the other hand, people do seem to enjoy it.
- TV Book Critic: [With a contemptuous grin] The people. Yes. Well, of course, we both know, dear Lady, that it takes very little to please the folks from Dubuque. How else do you explain television?
- Jessica Fletcher: [With a false innocent tone] Oh, I couldn't. Television is your business... not mine.
- [Silly music playing, close-up on TV Book Critic giving a forced smile]
- Jessica Fletcher: [Signing copies of her books and seeing a man approaching with a very large pile of books] Oh, my goodness. Eight copies. You must be a real book lover. To whom shall I inscribe them?
- Heavy Set Crude Man: Just sign your name and the date, honey. This is just an investment. If you ever become somebody, they might be worth something.
- [Silly music playing, close-up on Jessica looking stunned]
- Jessica Fletcher: [During a radio interview] The fact is that I never intended to have the book published. Uh, it was all my nephew's idea.
- Talk Show Host: [Smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee] Hey, isn't that something. She got the idea to write the book from her nephew.
- Jessica Fletcher: Oh, no, no, no. That isn't what I meant at all.
- Talk Show Host: Let's see. It's 23 past the hour and we're sitting here with that famous writer, Mrs. Jennifer Fletcher. And, uh, back with more of your calls right after this word from Henry's Fur Storage.
- [Cutting the mic and opening the room's door]
- Talk Show Host: I'm sorry, honey, but we're just dying in here.
- Jessica Fletcher: [Sweating and coughing because of the host's cigarette smoke] Oh yes!
- Talk Show Host: [Quite upset, turning to Jessica] See? Look... Maybe you're living with somebody. How about a prison record?
- [Silly music playing, with Jessica looking stunned]
- Talk Show Host: Anything?