Steve Guttenberg: Carey Mahoney
Photos
Quotes
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Lt. Mauser : Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
Carey Mahoney : You wanted to see me, sir?
Lt. Mauser : Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
Carey Mahoney : It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.
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Carey Mahoney : [after Tim's truck crashes into the ocean] Never fool with a fuzz ball!
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[Sargent Vinnie picks up a chocolate bar out of a rubbish bin]
Vinnie Schtulman : Hey, Carey, look at this, huh? Geez. A Nestle Crunch bar. It's hardly been touched.
[Notices the state of the candy]
Vinnie Schtulman : Ah, no wonder. It's got ants all over it.
[Brushes and blows the ants off]
Carey Mahoney : Vinnie, you're not gonna eat that are you?
Vinnie Schtulman : Well, you wanna split it?
Carey Mahoney : [horrified] No!
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[Mahoney wears a microphone while infiltrating Zed's gang]
Carey Mahoney : So what is this place? It smells like animals.
Vinnie Schtulman : They took him to my place?
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Carey Mahoney : You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to a court appointed attorney. You have the right to sing the blues. You have the right to cable TV... that's very important. You have the right to sublet. You have the right to paint the walls... no loud colors.
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Lt. Mauser : [in the squad room where Mauser is seen wearing a horrible-looking wig] Well, it seems that yours truly was the object of a malicious prank. Now, can anybody in here tell me...
[exposes his hands covered in black glue residue]
Lt. Mauser : How this happened?
Carey Mahoney : I can, sir, and if you don't stop that, you could go blind.
[the other officers start chuckling as Mauser and Proctor react in fury]
Lt. Mauser : You think you're funny, don't you, Mahoney? Well, you're on report.
[to Proctor]
Lt. Mauser : Put him on report.
[Proctor immediately gets out his notepad as an angry Captain Lassard enters the room covered in spray-paint graffiti]
Lt. Mauser : We are not going to leave this room until we find out what happened!
[Lassard angrily slams his coat on the table as he looks at Lassard]
Lt. Mauser : What happened?
Pete Lassard : [annoyed] What's going on here?
Lt. Mauser : Oh, nothing, sir. I was just reprimanding your men.
Pete Lassard : Oh, the hell with your goddamn reprimands.
Lt. Mauser : No, sir, you don't understand.
Pete Lassard : Shut up, Lieutenant, I have something to say!
Lt. Mauser : [shows Lassard his hands] Sir, would you take a look at my hands?
Pete Lassard : I think it's a matter of personal hygiene. I am talking about public safety!
Lt. Mauser : [under his breath] Yes, sir.
Pete Lassard : [to the officers] Now, listen up, everybody. This is serious. We've got to do something. This is war! Now, we didn't start it, but we are going to finish it. I don't care if we have to work time in a half, I don't care if we have to work double-time, but mark my words, we are going to nail these punks, starting now!
[everybody jumps from their chairs waving their batons in glory]
Sistrunk : Let's kick ass!
[fires gun in the air, alarming everybody in the room]
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Vinnie Schtulman : [after seeing his cat pooped in the cereal] You sure you don't want any?
Carey Mahoney : [uneasy] I'm on a diet.
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Pete Lassard : [he, Mahoney, and Schultman are sitting having dinner at a bar after all of them lose their jobs] We don't know where they come from, where they hide out. We don't even know who their leader is. Oh, I would just love to nail that bunch.
Carey Mahoney : I'd love to get my job back.
Vinnie Schtulman : I say we do what Baretta would do.
Carey Mahoney : Baretta?
Pete Lassard , Vinnie Schtulman : Yeah. Disguise yourself, go undercover, infiltrate that gang.
Carey Mahoney : Schultman...
Pete Lassard : You think YOU could do that?
Vinnie Schtulman : No.
[points to Mahoney]
Vinnie Schtulman : But he could.
Pete Lassard : [to Mahoney] He's right.
Carey Mahoney : No.
Pete Lassard : You're young enough. Hell, you look like one of the little creeps!
Carey Mahoney : Sir, he's talking about a television show!
Pete Lassard : All right, Mahoney, here's the deal. I can't pay you your salary, can't even give you expenses, and if you get yourself in a jam, I might not be able to bail you out. It could be dangerous.
Vinnie Schtulman : You could get killed.
Pete Lassard : He's right.
Carey Mahoney : [after a pause] Sounds awfully tempting.
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Lt. Mauser : [now the commanding officer of the precinct and is grilling the rookies in the squad room] From this moment on, I am the commanding de facto of this precinct. My name is Lieutenant Mauser. Mauser. On Thursday last, yours truly was the object of a disgusting, personal attack and I would like to hear some names. Just some names.
[everybody sits silently]
Lt. Mauser : Okay. Have it your way...
[walks over to Sistrunk]
Lt. Mauser : ... but I will suspend EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
Carey Mahoney : [stands up] Sir... I did it.
[Sistrunk points to Mahoney for Mauser and he walks over to him]
Lt. Mauser : Mahoney, what--what kind of clown do you think I am?
Carey Mahoney : A juggling clown?
[everybody starts stifling their laughter as Mauser's left eye begins to twitch in anger]
Lt. Mauser : You're suspended... INDEFINITELY! SIT DOWN!
Pete Lassard : [stands up, much to Mahoney's shock] You can't do that!
Lt. Mauser : What?
Pete Lassard : You suspend him, you suspend me!
Lt. Mauser : My pleasure! Sit down, smelly!
