- Richard Nixon: Jim Bakker became a disgrace when he got caught with a woman. Jimmy Swaggert became a disgrace when he went to a hotel with a woman. Gary Hart became a disgrace when he dared the press to follow him. I remember the good old days when you had to have brains to be a disgrace.
- Geraldo Rivera: This is bigger than I thought! Ex-Presidents in the den of iniquity!
- Richard Nixon: You chump, you're in the wrong place, this is just a neighborhood bar!
- Richard Nixon: I'm so close to the solution on who did me in. You see, they planted clues to throw us off.
- Henry Kissinger: They did? Who did?
- Richard Nixon: The Beatles.
- Jimmy Swaggert: Oh! God! I have sinned against you!
- George Burns: Knock off the dinner theater, Jim. If I want to see overacting I'll watch Vincent Gardenia.
- Cher: I can't believe they gave me an Oscar for playing an older woman who has a fling with a younger man. Oh gosh, normally they give it for acting, oh gosh.
- Oliver North: Mr. President, I'm afraid the operation was not a success. They still have to do some work on your nose.
- Jessica Hahn: I'm trying to get new recruits to a new organization, called B.I.M.B.O.s. It's a loose association of women.
- Fred: I see, an association of loose women.......