Number One with a Bullet (1987)
Robert Carradine: Berzak
Photos
Quotes
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Det. Barzak : [Chasing a gunman through the streets] Freeze! Police! FREEZE! I don't know why I tell 'em to freeze - they never freeze.
[Gunman gets hit by cab; goes thru windshield]
Det. Hazeltine : He shoulda froze.
Det. Barzak : Well, it's not like we didn't tell him, man.
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Bobby Sweet : [the 2 cops are leading him to an abandoned construction site] Hey, what is this, man?
Det. Barzak : Riding around with you all night kinda stunk up our car, pal.
Det. Hazeltine : We need a little fresh air. Someplace quiet.
Det. Barzak : Yeah, someplace you can scream.
Bobby Sweet : Oh, that's funny!
Det. Barzak : [All 3 are climbing the stairs of an empty building under construction] Some people told us you like to talk when you get high. Are we high enough yet, Bobby?
Bobby Sweet : I don't know. I swear, I don't know.
Det. Hazeltine : Ah, he'll never make a good lawyer, Nick. He can't lie for shit. Come on - MOVE IT! You can go back down. All you have to do is tell us who killed Charles Boudreaux.
Det. Barzak : All that shit you been mainlining fucked up your leg muscles, didn't it? COME ON!
[They reach the highest accessible floor & approach the edge]
Det. Barzak : Aw, man, Bobby. You can see EVERYTHING from up here, man. You can even see the ground from up here. Check this out: come here, man.
[Shoves Bobby towards the edge of the floor]
Bobby Sweet : Wait... Wait... Don't push. Okay! OKAY, OKAY!
Det. Barzak : Whaddaya think of that shit, huh?
Bobby Sweet : [Looking down through the open structure] Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! Oh, God!
Det. Barzak : I wouldn't have figured you to be the religious type, Bobby.
Det. Hazeltine : It must be because we're so close to God up here.
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Det. Barzak : [Nick & Frank have hung Bobby upside-down from a tall building to scare him into telling them who killed a witness] See, it increases blood flow to the brain, Bobby. How's your memory?
Bobby Sweet : Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up.
Det. Hazeltine : Technically, you'll be throwing DOWN, Bobby.
Bobby Sweet : Oh, God, please. Oh, God.
Det. Barzak : God's got an alibi, chief. Try somebody else.
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Mrs. Barzak : Now, I get to see that sweet face! I'm gonna give you a 'niner'.
Mrs. Barzak : [She kisses him on the cheek nine times in quick succession] Ooh, that was fun.
Det. Barzak : Yeah.
[Wipes face]
Det. Barzak : Frank sends his love.
Mrs. Barzak : He's a sweetheart. I bet he saves your life.
Det. Barzak : Not that often.
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Det. Hazeltine : You are a very sick man. You know that?
Det. Barzak : Yea-a-a-h!
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Det. Hazeltine : [looking at stacks of identical VCR boxes] All this yours, brother?
Casey : Uh, yeah brother. Well, see; I'm 'bout to get married. You know how everybody gives you the same present?
Det. Hazeltine : Oh, ye- yeah!
Det. Barzak : Oh, yeah - that's right. That's right. What - you get this $8,000 Rolex for, uh, Christmas, right?
Casey : Yeah, I got that from my lady.
Det. Barzak : [removes Casey's watch, examines the back, & shows it to him] So: how come it's engraved "With Love, to Dr. Ira Kettlebaum"? Check it out.
Casey : [thinking briefly] That's what the bitch calls me, man. Yeah.
Det. Barzak : Oh, it's like a pet name, right? Yeah.
[imitating a woman's shrill voice]
Det. Barzak : "Stick it to me Doctor Kettlebaum!" Oooh-oooh! She's a real squealer & shit?
Casey : Yeah, she's a freak.
Det. Barzak : Squealer, right? Yeah.
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Det. Barzak : You're new around here. What's your name?
Malcolm : Malcolm.
Det. Barzak : Malcolm?
Malcolm : Yeah. What are you - welcome wagon?
Det. Barzak : Yeah. I've seen you oozing around the street. What is your scam?
Malcolm : Who me? Uh, I sell Amway products. Ha ha...
Det. Barzak : Yeah, ha ha. I catch you dealing any soap flakes in this neighborhood, I will cripple you.
Malcolm : I ain't afraid of no jive-ass cop, man. I KNOW my rights.
[turns to leave]
Det. Barzak : [puts him in a painful wrist lock] Malcolm: I am NOT your normal jive-ass cop, all right? And around here, you GOT no rights!
Malcolm : Oww! You must be 'Berzerk'!
Det. Barzak : You don't know the half of it, baby.
[throws him into a garbage pile]
Malcolm : [grunting in pain & cluthching his wrist] Aah...
Det. Barzak : Hey! Malcolm: have a nice day.
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Det. Hazeltine : [approaching a seedy mud-wrestling bar] I gotta be honest with ya, Nick. I got an aversion to MUD!
Det. Barzak : That's probly because it resembles that health-food crap you been scarfin'. Didn't ya ever make mud pies when you were a kid?
Det. Hazeltine : [entering the bar & pausing in the doorway to take in the atmosphere] Nice ambiance. Of course, once the yuppies discover this place, it's gonna be SWAMPED!
Det. Barzak : [noticing 2 bikini-clad women wrestling in a mud pit] Wouldn't you like to get in there with 'em?
Det. Hazeltine : You've got no respect for the human body.
Det. Barzak : Sure I do!
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Det. Barzak : What the fuck is that shit?
Det. Hazeltine : Yogurt, yeast paste, lecithin; all the things you ought to be eating. Want some?
Det. Barzak : No way, man. I'm on a low-mucous diet - you know that.
Det. Hazeltine : Yeah.
Det. Barzak : I been thinking, Frank.
Det. Hazeltine : It's DeCosta again, isnt' it?
Det. Barzak : No, Frank. It's not about DeCosta again. I think we ought to go after the guys that hit Boudreaux. I figure they're local.
Det. Hazeltine : Yeah, how do you figure that?
Det. Barzak : 'Cause they're workin' for DeCosta.
Det. Hazeltine : There's that name again...
Det. Barzak : Look, Frank: they made us look REAL bad. The entire squad thinks we're screw-ups.
Det. Hazeltine : So now, you wanna screw up real big and remove all doubt. Right?
Det. Barzak : No, I don't wanna do that. I'm just an agile guy, Frank. I can get my foot it my mouth; I can even work with my nose to the grindstone. But my ass doesn't fit under a desk - neither does yours.
Det. Hazeltine : No! No! No!
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Casey : [Three loud knocks are heard on an apartment door. The apartment walls are stacked with electronics boxes] Who is it?
Det. Barzak : [Muffled voice heard through locked door] What's happening, man? Some brothers downtown said you got VCRs for sale.
Casey : Get outta here, man! You got the wrong house! I'm a lawyer!
Det. Barzak : I got cash, motherfucker! I need twenty of 'em!
Casey : Whoooooo!
[Casey begins to unlock the door, realizes who it is, tries to re-lock it, and Nick breaks it down]
Casey : Hey. I was just on the toilet thinking 'bout yall, man. Ain't life a bitch?
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Det. Barzak : [singing Gimme Some Lovin by the Spencer Davis Group, badly, while playing a guitar in the zoo] We're so glad you made it - we're so glad you made it. Gimme some lovin'; GIMME SOME A-LOVIN'!
[an elephant trumpets]
Casey : You could make animals sick with that shit. You should cool out.
[Climbs onto a bike to leave]
Det. Hazeltine : Hey, how about that, man. You got any more room on that bicycle?
Det. Barzak : Hey, hey, hey! I been working on this a LONG time, man.
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Coroner : [Coroner is leading a group of cops through the morgue to a drawer] Visitors, Mendez. Rise & shine!
Det. Hazeltine : [Obviously nauseated] I hate morgues.
Lt. Kaminski : Yeah, that's him. Joseph Mendez, professional hit-man, worked free-lance.
Det. Barzak : Didn't like women or kids, either. This guy was a bad-ass.
Coroner : Really, because, I mean; he hasn't given me a bit of trouble.
[Slaps the corpse gently on the cheek as if to antagonize him]
Det. Hazeltine : Yeah, well... I guess we'd better be going.
Coroner : [Noticing Frank's nausea] Really, I was in the middle of ordering lunch before you guys came up here, uuh...
[Grabs up a phone & pretends to be ordering]
Coroner : Hi, yeah, uuh... Make it a pastrami & a small Sprite. You sure I can't interest you guys in anything?
Det. Barzak : No, thanks anyway, man.
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Det. Barzak : [Nick has talked his way into his old house, where his ex-wife still lives] Where's my walleye?
Teresa Barzak : What?
Det. Barzak : [Pointing to an empty shelf] My walleye?
Teresa Barzak : I... threw it back.
Det. Barzak : You threw out my walleye? That was the biggest walleye caught in Bay Lake, Minnesota. That was a record!
Teresa Barzak : Then why didn't you take it to YOUR place.
Det. Barzak : 'Cause I'm not settled in yet.
Teresa Barzak : Oh, geez, Nick. It's only been TWO YEARS!
Det. Barzak : Yeah, well: I'm slow to adjust to psychological upheaval.
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Det. Barzak : [Malcolm is walking through a cemetery stealing flowers, then places them in front of an urn & begins to pray as he opens the urn] Ashes to ashes; dust to dust, huh man?
Malcolm : Aww, man... You guys ain't got no respect for the dead.
Det. Hazeltine : All right, come on out of there, Malcolm.
Det. Barzak : [Nick begins pulling bags of white powder from the urn, and tasting them] What do we got here? A little blow? A LOTTA blow. Hey, this is that black tar, isn't it?
Malcolm : Yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about getting into the roofing business.
Det. Barzak : [Nick opens a larger bag of yellowish powder & tastes it] What's this? This shit - what is it?
Malcolm : Actually, that's my mother.
Det. Barzak : [Spits the ashes back into the bag]
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Det. Barzak : You know, I cannot figure out why it is every time I talk to that woman I say the wrong thing. Why is that?
Det. Hazeltine : You always shoot your mouth off before your brain is loaded. That's why.
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Det. Hazeltine : So DeCosta represents your father, and you scarf all of this junk food to fulfill an oral longing for your mother's breasts, which incidentally are 70% fat.
Det. Barzak : Oh, that's great, Frank. First, you ruin food for me; now you gotta ruin tits.
