Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Clive Anderson: Self, Self - Guest Captain, Self - Guest Presenter

Quotes 

• Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"]  Jam.

  [audience laughs] 

  Ian Hislop : You see, Piers?

  Piers Morgan : See, that's comedy.

  Angus Deayton : The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

  Clive Anderson : [to Piers Morgan]  Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

  Piers Morgan : What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

  Clive Anderson : About as much as you do!

• Clive Anderson : Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?

  Boris Johnson : Partly, yes.

  Paul Merton : I don't think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!

  Boris Johnson : I think we should get off my, um, my property.

• Clive Anderson : Which Cheese is made backwards?

  Paul Merton : Edam! Don't boo ME!

• Clive Anderson : A good week for Body Language experts! Whose assessments miraculously reflected the political leanings of the papers they worked for...

• Clive Anderson : What did Tony Blair keep quiet so people wouldn't think he was a nutter?

  Paul Merton : WMDs? Faith!

  Clive Anderson : Yes, Tony Blair revealed he kept his Faith quiet and that God often spoke to him at difficult moments. To say "Don't drag me into it, you nutter!"

  Paul Merton : I just had a religious experience.

• Clive Anderson : Who brushes moths?

  Paul Merton : What do you mean "Who brushes moths?"

  Clive Anderson : Well, I'm sure people do brush moths, but I defy you to prove it!

  Paul Merton : I AM A BRUSHMOTH-ER! I don't even know how to say it...

• Clive Anderson : What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and the Middle East?

  Paul Merton : Oh! This is the teddy bear.

  Clive Anderson : The teddy bear, you're straight to it. Yes.

  Paul Merton : Yes, I don't know who Pudsey is, because the Children in Need bear is called "Pudsey", so I hope that's not...

  Will Self : That is a Deity! Actually, that is a deity of the Aturi pygmies who are sworn to kill everybody who works for the BBC.

  Clive Anderson : So Pudsey may well be offending someone, but this...

  Paul Merton : Yes, it's the teacher, who, the bear was named "Mohamed" after one of the kids in the class, and she's just been found guilty and 15 days in prison, then she'll be deported.

  Chris Addison : British Rail never made this fuss when that bloke named that bear Paddington

  Paul Merton : Yes, the mind boggles, never made a fuss then.

  Clive Anderson : No.

  Chris Addison : Just stuck him by some suitcases and gave him a marmalade sandwich.

  Will Self : Well, you say that, but he'd been hanging round the station for ages with a label round his neck saying "Please introduce this bear to a life of Prostitution and Drug-addiction".

  Clive Anderson : Unfortunately, he never bumped into you! So, you know. Do you think her mistake was allowing the pupils in the class to take a vote?

  Ian Hislop : She didn't make any mistakes!

  Will Self : Yeah.

  Clive Anderson : No.

  Ian Hislop : She asked the children "What would you like to call the bear?", and they all said "Muhammed", and the boy said "Because my name's Muhammed."And she was surrounded by lunatics. Who then said "Death to the Primary School Teacher! Behead middle-aged women who'd like to do children a favour now!" And then taken to Court "This is a serious offence!", senior Muslim clerics in Sudan saying "Oh yes, this is on a par with Salman Rushdie!" "Oh yes, of course it is! Let's lash her!"

  Chris Addison : Senior Sudanese clerics were saying that this is part of a Western Plot against Islam, which is a rubbish plot.

  Paul Merton : To be fair, it has been uncovered in the early stages!

  Chris Addison : "We start with the bears, we move on to the giraffes, and from there Chaos, my friends!"

  Paul Merton : "The Animal Kingdom is ours!"

  Ian Hislop : Anyway, they're moderate in the Sudan, at least she wasn't in Saudi!

  Chris Addison : In Saudi Arabia, they'd chop the bear's paw off! The stuffing comes out, and it's a nightmare.

  Will Self : Then it could be the mascot for the Saudi Children in Need Appeal!

  Clive Anderson : British Teacher Gillian Gibbons was in Prison for 15 days after her class named a teddy bear Muhammed. Sudan's top clerics are demanding that the full force of the law be used over this stuffed bear incident. Of course, the diplomatic situation is at a delicate stage, so we have to be careful what we say about these vindictive, ranting nutters. One moderate Cleric suggested that the bear be renamed Winnie the Pooh, but when it emerged that Winnie the Pooh has a friend called Piglet, he was promptly stoned to death. Many people in Sudan are saying that the authorities over-reacted and the Sudanese Embassy in London called it "A storm in a teacup". WELL HOW DARE THEY INSULT THE VESSEL OF OUR NATIONAL BEVERAGE! MAY A THOUSAND SCONES RAIN DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!

• Chris Addison : [Missing words]  Is it "Charles to cement, come in cement"?

  Clive Anderson : I think I misheard that!

  Chris Addison : It's a walkie-talkie joke!

• Clive Anderson : I don't know if you realise this, Piers, but Ian and Paul are the Stars of this show! We're nobodys! They don't care who we are!

• Boris Johnson : Do what pose a health risk to your rabbit?

  Paul Merton : Ovens!

  Clive Anderson : Mixamatosis-flavoured cigarettes?

• Clive Anderson : We're locked into a recording that can never end!

• Ian Hislop : I don't mean to be old-fashioned, but when the light goes on...!

  Clive Anderson : You're right, this wouldn't happen under Anne Widdecombe!

  Paul Merton : A lot of things wouldn't happen under Anne Widdecombe!

• Clive Anderson : Square dance ruined by a nasty incident with what?

  Paul Merton : A Sperm Whale and a Tin of Biscuits!

  Clive Anderson : Not quite, but considerably funnier than the real answer, a heckler!