The Witches (1990)

Mai Zetterling: Helga

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the Grand High Witch is transforming into a mouse] 

  Grand High Witch : I'm not finished with you yet, old woman... Next time...

  Helga : No. Not next time. This time, it's *your* turn!

• Helga : Real witches are very cruel, and they have a highly developed sense of smell. A real witch could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night.

  Luke : She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.

  Helga : Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are, the more a witch can smell you.

  Luke : That doesn't make sense.

  Helga : Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.

  Luke : Wow. I'll never have a shower again, and I'll have you for an excuse.

  Helga : Well, just not often. Only once a month is probably safe.

  Luke : So a witch could smell me right now?

  Helga : To me you smell of raspberries and cream. But to a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.

  Luke : What kind of disgusting?

  Helga : Like... dog's droppings.

  Luke : I don't believe it.

  Helga : You don't believe it? What's more, to a witch you would smell of FRESH dog's droppings.

• Luke : So if no one's seen the Grand High Witch, how are you sure she exists?

  Helga : [she looks at him]  Nobody's ever seen the Devil, but we know He exists, don't we?

  Luke : Yes.

  Helga : For all you know, a witch might be living next door to you.

• [first lines] 

  Helga : When your father was a boy like you, and living with me here in Norway, I told him about witches too, so that he would always be aware. Now, the most important thing you should know about real witches is this - now listen very carefully! Real witches dress in ordinary clothes, and look very much like ordinary women. They live in ordinary houses, and they work in ordinary jobs.

• Helga : Oh, how I love English hotel teas! Cream cakes, and shortbread, and...

  Luke : No grandma.

  Helga , Luke : No cream cakes.

  Helga : And no shortbread either; it's full of sugar. Soon I will be eating the same diet as your mice.

• Helga : Witches spend their time plotting to kill children, stalking the wretched child like a hunter stalks a bird in the forest.

  Luke : Did they hunt you?

  [she shows him her right hand with a missing finger] 

  Luke : You said it was an accident...

  Helga : A very unpleasant accident.

• Mr. Stringer : I'm sorry, madam, but I cannot permit mice in my hotel.

  Helga : How dare you say that when your rotten hotel is full of rats anyway?

  Mr. Stringer : Rats? There are no rats in this hotel!

  Helga : I saw one this morning running along the corridor, into the kitchens.

  Mr. Stringer : Madam, you only arrived in the hotel this afternoon.

  Helga : [scoffs]  Morning, afternoon, I saw a rat in your hotel, and if matters do not improve, I shall have to report you to the public health authorities.

  Mr. Stringer : Look, madam, I'm not prepared...

  Luke : The cakes in the lounge are nibbled around the edges, too. I can show you.

  Helga : If you are not careful, the health people will order the whole hotel closed before everyone gets typhoid fever.

  Mr. Stringer : You can't be serious, madam!

  Helga : I have never been more serious in my life. Now - will you or will you not let my grandchild keep his hygienic and perfectly harmless pet mice?

• [Helga stops Mr. Jenkins for eating the soup] 

  Helga : Don't touch it!

  Mr. Jenkins : I told you she was a loony. She's an absolute nutter!

  [She tooks the plate the spills the soup] 

  Mr. Jenkins : Look at my bloody soup! All that stuff about Bruno!

  Helga : Bruno has been turned into...

  Mr. Jenkins : He has NOT been turned into a...

  [notices that Bruno is a mouse] 

  Bruno Jenkins : Yes, I have! Hello, dad!

  [Mrs. Jenkins notices that her son is a mouse, screaming and faints]