The Red Green Show (1991–2006)

Patrick McKenna: Harold Green

Photos 

Quotes 

• Red Green : Well, I'm not gonna be calling the U.S. Air Force, Harold. What do I say? We've got a missile? They take that as a threat, we're in real trouble.

  Harold Green : Well, then, contact the Canadian Air Force.

  Red Green : Harold, it's after six; he's gone home.

• Harold Green : [Reading from a driver's manual]  "Two drivers approach an umarked intersection at the same time. Who has the right-of-way?"

  Red Green : The guy in the big truck.

  Harold Green : No, Uncle Red. It says here, "The guy on the right always has the right-of-way."

  Red Green : Unless the other guy has the big truck.

  Harold Green : Uncle Red, check the manual.

  Red Green : Harold, check the cemetery.

• Harold Green : Where does cheese come from, anyway?

  Red Green : I'm not sure but I think butter comes from leaving milk out too long.

  Harold Green : Maybe cheese is butter that has been left out too long...

  Red Green : Yeah, could be... but I always thought cheese was a urine product. No, maybe that's cheez-whiz.

• Harold Green : Well, you know what I think...

  Red Green : It doesn't matter what you think, Harold. If you were married, you'd know that.

• Harold Green : Badgers sleep in holes in the ground. How did one get in Old Man Sedgwick's pants?

  Red Green : Old Man Sedgwick was sleeping in a hole in the ground.

• Harold Green : Welcome to "Harold's Handy Crafts" where crafty hands make handy crafts!

• Red Green : Apparently the water in Possum Lake has just been declared okay for human consumption.

  Harold Green : Really? I wouldn't drink it.

  Red Green : So what? I said *human* consumption.

• Harold Green : We have a condom machine at school. It's always broken, but it's fun to think about.

• Harold Green : Or you could pick a job without a mandatory retirement age. Like a politician.

  Red Green : Or a car thief.

• Harold Green : Boy, people who don't even like the show are watching it now, ya know. It's like we're some big American network program or somethin'. Uncle Red, that is the power of hype. Hype works. Hype is cool. You don't have to have talent, good looks, brains, nothing, if you got enough hype.

  Red Green : You know I was thinking hype could really help you, Harold. You're hyper now, so just back off one letter, and you're there.

• Red Green : How did you learn so much about money?

  Harold Green : I watch that show "Traders."

• Buzz Sherwood : How old are you, Red?

  Red Green : 47.

  Harold Green : You're 56!

  Red Green : I'm 52.

  Harold Green : Gotcha!

  [Pumps his arms in victory] 

  Harold Green : Oh, oh, oh! Yeah!

• Harold Green : [Referring to one of Red's many schemes]  I don't want any judgments or anything, but I think your plan is flawed, badly flawed, like "Rescue 911"-type flawed.

  Red Green : Well, Harold, if we're gonna have to start comparing things with flaws in them, I don't think you're going to have a very nice day.

• Harold Green : I cannot believe the government continues to pay politicians after they die.

  Red Green : Well, it's so hard for them to tell, Harold.

• [Discussing Old Man Sedgwick's radio show] 

  Harold Green : Does he speak Latin or did he just have his teeth out?

• [Red has learned that Old Man Sedgwick's son has moved back in with him] 

  Red Green : Okay, so Old Man Sedgwick's son has moved back in with him, and you can tell by the broken furniture out on the front lawn and the duct tape they got dividing the rooms exactly in half that things are really not going all that well. Now, you tell me, what is the worst thing that could happen out of that scenario?

  Harold Green : Well, they could be heating their cabin, like, with a high-sulfur coal, you know? Then meanwhile, on top of the wood stove, both men are rinsing their teeth in the same pewter jar, right? And that would create this symbiotic hydrolysis, right? And then there'd be a thermal inversion, right? And then all of a sudden, the sulfur and ions, they'd have to collide with the dental plaque, right? And that'd accelerate the electrons to the point where there'd be this massive nuclear reaction, right? But it wouldn't kill them. Oh, no, it wouldn't kill them, Uncle Red. But indeed, yes, it would render them absolutely sterile for the rest of their lives!

  [Harold laughs psychotically, then composes himself] 

  Harold Green : I'm writing an episode of "The Outer Limits".

  Red Green : Harold, you *are* an episode of "The Outer Limits".

• Red Green : Why don't you come up to the highway and help us clean that up just for a little while, eh?

  Harold Green : Well, yeah, I could do that. I got some spare time.

  Red Green : All right, Harold. And when you get up there, clean it up as fast as you can. Don't talk to the other guys, eh?

  Harold Green : How come?

  Red Green : 'Cause they'll kill you, Harold.

• Red Green : You're never too old to learn things.

  Harold Green : Are you ever too old to listen? You never listen, so I guess the answer is yes on that one.

• Red Green : We never heard of anyone getting rich during a *mold* rush.

  Harold Green : Well, mold has its values, too, because they use it to make things like bread and penicillin. Mold is not a bad thing.

  Red Green : Well, would you be willing to pay 400 bucks an ounce for it, Harold? If not, then it's a bad thing, because that's how much we spent to dig the gold mine.

• Red Green : Harold, you want the truth?

  Harold Green : Yes!

  Red Green : You want the truth?

  Harold Green : I want the truth!

  Red Green : I can't handle the truth!

• Red Green : I love the Americans. I'm really happy the Americans are watching our show. But I'm not gonna change my tune now, okay? My tune is "O Canada!"

  Harold Green : That's wonderful! That's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point and time that American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.

  Red Green : All right. Well, my new tune is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy."

• Red Green : Well, we got the old army tank towed up to the lodge. Man, that was a job and a half, I'll tell ya.

  Harold Green : Well, maybe you should've just hired a guy with a crane. He could've lifted it onto a flatbed truck and drive it up here.

  Red Green : Oh, yeah, and maybe I should've been born a millionaire. It's always money with you, isn't it, Harold? You need a tank moved, you pay someone. You need a roof reshingled, you pay someone. You need underwear, you pay someone. I just don't work that way, Harold.

• Red Green : Harold, Possum Lodge is not exactly a place of worship. If I could work miracles, would you still be here?

  Harold Green : Well, yes, *I* can work miracles, Uncle Red.

  [He plays the electronic instrument he has strapped on him; the audience laughs] 

  Harold Green : See? I just raised this show from the dead.

  Red Green : Well, it can go back.

• Red Green , Harold Green : [singing]  Bacon drippings! Bacon drippings! Bacon drippings, bacon! / If you want to call your song 'Bacon Drippings / I'm sorry; it's been taken.

  Harold Green : Excellent! That went better than I hoped!