User Reviews

The Roller Blade Seven is a bizarre creature, it's a truly terrible film with awful production values yet features a host of famous names.

Set in a post apocalyptic world much alike the Mad Max (1979) universe, except there are ninjas, religion and everyone wears roller blades for some reason.

With audio that often sounds like it was recorded through a sponge, the same segments repeated, fight scenes that make Jerry Springers look like it's well choreographed and a story that makes no sense at all.

It's one of those films that has to be seen to be believed yet you don't want to put anyone through a film quite this terrible.

I award it 2 not 1 purely on the basis of novelty value but make no mistake it's the absolute pits.

The Good:

Nope!

The Bad:

Laughable soundtrack that doesn't even remotely fit the content

Awful audio quality

Embarrassing fight scenes

Cringe inducing camera work

Scenes repeated several times

We really don't need to know each actors name as they appear on screen

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

It is a reverends job to distribute samurai swords and see that people skate the path of righteousness

Even in a post apocalyptic world religious garments look ridiculous

Our hero is so anti-mainstream expectations that in a Jacuzzi with your standard bikini glad girls he keeps his clothes on and kisses them like you'd kiss your mother

Wearing shades during the night STILL makes you look like a douche

Joe Estevez is the lesser known brother for a reason

Frank Stallone is the lesser brother for a reason as well

So roller skate ninjas are a thing

Being hacked to pieces with axes will result in no wounds and no blood

It was (foolishly) with some degree of relish that I sat down to watch what a friend had promised would be the worst/best movie experience of my life, the mighty 'Roller blade 7'. 2 years on and I'm still in therapy. Oh yes my dear friends it REALLY IS THAT BAD. They obviously got about 40 minutes of footage in the can and then decided to use said footage endlessly and repeatedly to brain-numbing effect. My only fear of the kind of post-apocalyptic world featured in this turkey is that somehow, some way, a print of this abomination would survive. Truly the living would envy the dead.

This has to be the greatest practical joke ever. I'm amazed that all the other actors kept a straight face. I might be wrong but the impression I get from this movie was that they duped Frank Stallone and Joe Estevez into acting in this movie that has a budget of just under $40, depending on how much those nerf bats and spray painted catcher's equipment cost, create the most incoherent movie ever created, and sit back and laugh at the fact that Joe Estevez and Frank Stallone weren't in on the joke.

If by some chance they weren't kidding and they legitimately tried to make a real movie then I feel sorry for everyone involved in the creation. I've had quite a love affair with cheesy movies, but this movie is so bad I can hardly watch it. They repeat pointless "special effects" so many times that it's obvious they were just trying to cover up the fact that they only shot 30 minutes of footage. If I were forced to watch this movie on repeat I would bludgeon myself unconscious with my own hands after about one and a half times through. No offense to the great Frank Stallone, but I would rather watch Sylvester teach a fingerpainting class for 10 hours than watch that movie ever again.

okay, let's cut to the chase - there's no way i can give this anything other then 1 out of 10; and yet you have to see it! The acting is bad, but is nothing like as bad as the script, which itself pales before the production values. Cardboard axes? yup, we've got then. Car floor mats painted silver and used as armour? here it is!

The film itself pretends to be artistic, but is just cheap; the same shots are used repeatedly - especially in the drawn out fight scenes; there is (thankfully!) very little dialogue, and there is much 'artistic' music to ram home the horror!

And yet all this awfulness is compelling - you have to watch it through just so that you can say you've seen it. I've not even got onto the barren sets, the 'plot', or the risible special effects; this really is the 'how not to do it' school of filmmaking. This must be viewed - spread the word, and let the world all join together in puzzling over what on earth is happening at the end

The best thing, though, is that they made a sequel.

Much to the annoyance of past housemates, I enjoy watching B-grade films as well as the more commercial ones. So when a friend said he'd lend me his copy of "The Roller Blade Seven" and said how bad it was, I assumed he just didn't understand how good and bad B-grade film could be. To add to this, he bet me I couldn't watch the movie from start to finish, and that no one had been able to do it. Challenge accepted!

Challenge failed! This movie is simply unwatchable. Having read a few of the other reviews of this movie, I know how they're trying to get the message across of just how abysmal this movie is. I don't think it can be done. One reviewer compared it to "Razor Blade Smile". This is also a bad movie, but an Oscar winner in comparison to the Roller Blade 7. No amount of panning or explanations can possibly get the message across of what this movie is actually like.

This movie isn't just bad, it makes you angry. The copy that I watched is lucky to still be in one piece as an angry viewer was stopped mid stomp as he attempted to destroy the video so that no one else would ever have to be subjected to it again.

If the chance comes around to see this movie, you should take it. It will make you appreciate every other movie you've ever watched so much more.

To the people who made this movie, this simple question needs to be asked. Why? If you have some spare time and money, please don't use it to make films like this. It's paramount to mental abuse.

Truly a great leap forward in the perfection of painful cinema.

Everything about this film is bad. Acting (if it can be called that), lighting, sound, script (if there was one), editing, direction, camera work, it is all atrocious. There is not a single element that is done well. If I thought that this was intentional then I might give the film some credit but I can not believe people would set out to make such a horendous film.

This film is worth buying and screening to your worst enemies.

I knew that I was not about to see a quality film when this title was included in a 'B-grade video night' at a friends place. Despite the warnings, I was still surprised at just how bad this film was. It was fortunate that there were a lot of us there to share the pain with each other... The film attempts to tell the story of a dark future, one in which Hawk (a Mad Max type of character) heads off to rescue a damsel in distress. In reality, the plot is a thinly disguised excuse for the producers to promote their own philosophies on life (watch the end credits and the 'these people are not real' disclaimer at the end for a real laugh). The movie is frequently lacking direction, and fails to develop its characters to any degree whatsoever. What's even worse though is the editing of this film. The film repeats scenes (often 10 to 20 seconds long) up to 4 or 5 times in a row. I think that this was an attempt to emulate things like Jean Claude Van-Damme fight sequences, but if it is it fails utterly. The film would probably be about 1/3 of its length if we weren't forced to watch the main character move his head in front of the setting sun half a dozen times (yes, that's all that happens in that repeated scene). I give this movie my 'worst film I've ever seen' award. I doubt that it will be topped any time soon.

This film is, far and wide and beyond any shadow of a doubt, the single worst and most contemptible film in the history of the universe.

It really *is* that bad.

Personally I have always enjoyed the guilty pleasure of a terrible film, and rented this one thinking it would be one of those. To my immense disappointment, it was not.

The script is delivered in a way that sounds as if they're reading the lines directly off placards, the story makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and the actual film looks like it was shot on a home video camera. I couldn't even finish watching it. It is even worse than "Witch Academy", and that's quite a feat in itself.

I cannot even begin to fathom how a director could shoot this film, and then still have the sense to believe it was decent enough to release.

Painful, awful, horrendous.

I bought this movie from a market stall three years ago.. I gotta hand it to you when I sat down and watched it.. I thought 'OK! This is gonna be another big action B-movie..' Obviously I was wrong.. While watching this film.. I began to realise that this movie was taking me to another planet.. full of cr*p!

I began to get really bored and fed up with this film.. Although I wanted to see was gonna happen in the end.. I really felt like it was really getting on my nerves..

The people behind the film may've brought some well known name actors into this project.. But what were they thinking..? Even these actors couldn't save this film..

At the end of the film.. I felt like this was a waste of money.. just buying this low life sucker of film for a small amount of money. A few months later, I sent the tape off to charity.. I didn't want to see it again..

Sorry! But if you're thinking of watching a movie and then nodding off to sleep.. I can highly recommend it you.. Me? I'll rather go on Pro-Plus and watch something decent..!

Disappointing 1 out of 10!

A post-apocalyptic warrior goes off to save some kind of Nun and on the way meets some cyber-punks on skates who want to kick his ass. This is one of the hardest to watch films ever, There are scenes with silence that seems to last hours before somebody comes out with the next badly written, badly acted line. There are action sequences that keep repeating - and we're not talking the quickfire 1-2-3 action repeat on a particularly good kick that was made popular by eastern directors, we're talking many, many repeats of long, bad fight sequences. This is incredibly confusing at first but then quickly becomes annoying as you're watching a 30 second sequence for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time. Any kind of plot or vision is lost within the confusing continuity, the only thing thats keeps this film in the videoplayer (apart from the bet from a friend that i couldn't watch it all the way through without begging for it to be turned off and disposed off safely so it may harm no-one else) is the fact that although painful, this film is unintentionally hilarious, i'm not at all a fan of those "so bad that it's funny" type of films but at parts i was in tears. Other points to note are the quality of the sound and picture but this is forgiveable as it's obvious money was a major problem in the making of this film. Final verdict - King of the "so bad they're funny" genre, anybody having that kind of genre video night should get themselves a copy. Also lets not forget that it is actually the worst film i've ever seen.

For many years Ed Wood's Classic 'Plan 9' has been considered the worst film ever made. Forget it The Roller Blade Seven is infinitely worse. The cast is made up of famous peoples brothers and almost famous or has been actors and actresses. The plot along with the budget and script are non-existent. The running time is made up not in the classic Ed Wood style of using stock footage. Instead there is endless slow motion and repeated action. And as for The Roller Blade Seven aren't even seven of them!

You must see this film just to know how bad film making can really be. Giving independent film makers everywhere hope.

I bought this film with a friend because we thought the cover looked entertaining. Little was I to know that it was to fundamentally change my life.

I have lost count of the number of times I have sat entranced through the dream/drug taking sequences, got overexcited at the tightly choreographed fight sequences or marvelled at the script and direction, which allow the hugely talented and diverse cast the opportunity to show their range and skill.

My personal favourite character must be 'Utility Ninja' - a part which makes up for in emotional depth what it lacks in screen time.

A must see.

This movie has done the unthinkable.. it has matched up in almost every way, and likely surpassed in quality of dialogue, the steaming pile of cinematic vomit that is Things (1989). Don't take this as a discouraging statement, however. As a fan of the best/worst sort of B-movies like The Room and Troll 2, I know why some people would refuse to watch movies that belong in the crawlspace underneath the bottom of the barrel of cinema. For me, however, there's nothing quite like 90 minutes of absolute torture that I can spend years hating on afterwards. That's what motivates me to watch movies like Pocket Ninjas or the Star Wars Holiday Special. AND THEN there's movies like Things (1989) and Roller Blade Seven. It's hard to distinguish which is worse.. In Things (1989) you have dialogue spoken directly into a microphone to overdub the unlistenable quality of the camcorder's mic they bought from the local Ma & Pa Canadian electronics shop, making distance from the camera meaningless. All the voices sounded a foot away... And in Roller Blade Seven, you have scenes like getting into a car and driving off repeated a dozen times from different angles for absolutely no reason. In Things (1989) you have the most unappealing, impossible to identify with Canadian hick douchebags attempting to convey a storyline you can only pray leads to all of their deaths. And in Roller Blade Seven, you have characters that hardly speak with dialogue that (at least on my copy) was nearly impossible to understand acting out various events that seem potentially related, but not nearly close enough to string together a real sense of plot. I think Roller Blade seven ultimately takes the prize as worst movie I've ever watched. At least in Things (1989) there's enough dialogue and continuous flow of events (....sorta? not really, no.. but the plot sorta organizes itself eventually). Even after watching The Roller Blade Seven several times, I still don't know what was going on or why. I know there was a rescue mission, but that almost seemed to become unnecessary half way through the movie... and then a few times later in the movie where they suddenly started replaying that same footage again.. I don't know.. my brain hurts thinking about it. ^ See both of those movies, they will bring you years of therapy bills.. but they're two of my top 5 'I'm glad I watched that' movies..

About 15 minutes into 'The Roller Blade Seven' I nearly gave up, but decided (masochist that I am!) to go all the way, baby! Because this is one movie you just gotta see ONCE, if only as a yardstick of sheer crapness.

This is without doubt one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. Now maybe you're thinking "goodie! I'm in for some 1990s version of 'Plan Nine From Outer Space', or 'The Incredibly Strange Creatures...' hilarious laugh-a-minute good times". NO!! When I say BAD I mean beyond entertainment. This movie is so awful in every way imaginable, and absolutely torturous to sit through, that you won't be able to think of ANY reason to continue watching it until the end.

The only movies off the top of my head that even come close to it are the unspeakably bad British vampire movie 'Razor Blade Smile', and the Godawful noir parody(??) 'Art Deco Detective'. At least the former had some unintentional laughs, and the latter featured a handful of funny lines from b-grade legend Brion James. 'The Roller Blade Seven' has no redeeming features whatsoever. What all three movies also share is that they were shot straight on video, making them all aesthetically unpleasant experiences. As well as cheaper than a pub crawl.

The guy responsible for this gem is Donald G. Jackson who is also the brains behind the moderately amusing 'Frogtown' movies, which I have seen, and works such as 'Mimes: Silent But Deadly' and 'Lingerie Kickboxer', which I haven't. He produces/directs and also co-writes with the movie's star Scott Shaw. Yeah I don't know him either but apparently he's some kinda martial arts expert and has appeared in movies with titles like 'Samurai Vampire Bikers From Hell' and 'Samurai Johnny Frankenstein', so you know he's class all the way. The Supporting cast includes Frank Stallone (Sly's brother) and Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother and star of 'Motorcycle Cheerleading Mommas') (read that title again!!) , and somehow, cos I can't believe it myself, bona fide cult legends William Smith, Don Stroud and Karen Black. If you are a fan of any of those three all I can say is best stay away...

The "plot" concerns a Hawk (Shaw), a futuristic Ninja dude, who has to rescue his sister from evil baddies led by the crippled Pharoah (Smith), who is some kinda cult leader who invented a popular skateboard or something. Hawk meets up with all kinda weirdos, both good and bad, most of whom dress funny and use roller blades, and one of which continually plays the banjo. I say good and bad, because I honestly couldn't tell most of the time who was who, or what side they were on. Especially that banjo fella. And I suppose there was seven of them, but I wasn't counting, and who really cares? One of the roller bladers was Don Stroud but I never worked out which one, and eventually forgot he was even supposed to be in it. By the credits I didn't even care any more, and that says a lot because I LOVE Don Stroud and he was the main reason I watched this crap in the first place!

The plot, or lack of it, is only the half of it. Jackson directs like he has both eyes shut, and the editing was done (I believe) by someone with one hand tied behind their back, who insists on showing us every "action" sequence three or four times consecutively, for no apparent reason. There's about twenty minutes of (bad) dialogue spread throughout the ninety minutes of the movie, and the soundtrack, which includes everything from "moody" electronics to "smokin'" rawk to the banjo fellas limited repertoire of licks, is probably even worse.

The only thing that will amaze you after sitting through this offal is the fact that there was not only a sequel, but TWO!! Whether they are better than this or could even conceivably be WORSE I'll leave up to you because frankly, I value my sanity, and one 'Roller Blade Seven' flick is my absolute limit!

The Roller Blade Seven follows Hawk Goodman(Scott Shaw),who is sent on a mission by Reverend Donald(Donald G. Jackson) to rescue Sister Sparrow from the clutches of the evil overlord Pharaoh(William Smith) in the apocalyptic world of the future.The non-script takes place in a region known as the Wheelzone,whose populace travels solely by the means of roller skates or skateboards.Armed with samurai sword Hank is ready to fight with roller blading ninjas and various gang-members.Highly imaginative and extremely ridiculous movie was praised by Oliver Stone as one of the most inspirational films he had ever seen.The acting is horrible,the fight scenes are amateurish and there is no blood.Still if you are ready for surreal spectacle of roller blading madness give this one a try.4 punks out of 10.

I watched this film with a group of Nazis, a French Archaeologist and my ex-girlfriend on a small island in the Mediterranian.

When the tape was started, myself and my girlfriend were tied to a wooden stake at the far end of this cave like area. I told her to close her eyes and no matter what happened not to open them. The Nazi's and the archaeologist didn't close their eyes and after a few seconds started screaming. The Nazi's faces melted and the archaeologist's head exploded.

After a few seconds the video tape popped out of the VCR and landed back in it's box and the top snapped shut. Myself and my girlfriend were left unharmed.

Consequent to this experience, the video cassette was put in a wooden crate and stored in a huge warehouse of identical wooden crates, never to be see again.

Looking for a movie for your Turkey Film Festival? THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN is on my list of the ten worst films of all-time. The plot, the story of a post-Apocalyptic roller blading samurai warrior, is a convoluted hodge-podge of film references of everything from STAR WARS to THE SEVEN SAMAURI. The acting fluctuates from bland to abysmal. The scene where the villain tempts the old master is embarrassing to the point of jeering laughter. Frank Stalone's Black Knight reminds one too much of John Cleese's Black Knight in MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. (Word of Advice, Frank: When you stoop to doing a movie like this one, your career is over.) I chanced upon this little stink-bomb on a low-end cable channel and I could not stop watching. It is like watching a train wreck, you just can't look away.

My house mate and I foolishly purchased the video of 'The Roller Blade Seven' from our local second hand video shop in the hope of finding a bad film to laugh at. This film isn't even laughable, it's pathetically poor, worse even than Jack Frost 2-and that's saying something. The script, acting, production, stunts, sound, sets, everything is absolutely terrible. In some parts the actors haven't even learned their lines and are blatantly ad-libbing or in one case actually having the lines read to them off set and simply repeating them. Set in the post apocalyptic 'Wheel Zone',The film obviously consists of about 45 minutes of film, many parts of which are edited badly or repeated ad nauseum from various different camera angles to make the film longer. This gets tedious very quickly. The plot makes no sense whatsoever (It is apparently an amalgam of two books written by Scott Shaw), there aren't even seven of them, most of them aren't on blades, they're wearing roller boots, and it seems to me that mostly the film has been completely sold on the fact that there's about 3 minutes of female semi-nudity in it. The writer and star Scott Shaw obviously fancies himself somewhat of a Samurai and throughout the film performs some very poor stunts and made up sword fighting moves that look massively amateurish. Despite all this, his website states that the film should never be compared to a traditional film because it really pushes the boundaries of modern film making. My house mate and I were left speechless by the whole ordeal, and despite my frequent attempts to burn the videotape, she has decided it may be some kind of Ring-esquire video curse that needs to be passed on. If you see the video in stores, take it from me! Leave well alone!

The Roller Blade Seven (1991) is the most "nothing" movie i've ever seen. I mean, the popcorn i was eating had more substance.

First off the plot is well, there really isn't a plot. You go from one scene to another without any sort of idea where the characters are, sometimes who they are and their motivations. For the most part, the main character has a motivation but even that gets rather sketchy in this fever dream of a movie. Characters show up for "reasons" and then go away for "reasons". It feels more like a LARP than anything else. Things just happen.

The editing in this movie is horrible. Absolutely awful. Shots hang on way too long, some of them only confuse the scenes further. The action scenes are like those home movies where you'd film your two kids fighting with cardboard tubes except they have rollerblades on and are dressed up for Halloween.

There isn't even a script, the excuse for that is that it's a "new" kind of film-making, Zen Film-making. I dunno about you, but having a script is the very basis for creating a movie without making it a incoherent mess.

For that reason, it barely even qualifies as a movie. It is just hardly anything.

Great for watching with LSD though, i bet.

For once I'm almost lost for words. This "film" is an incomprehensible mess even for a battle-hardened b-fan like myself. Any adjective I can think to describe this piece is unavoidably followed by an addendum "of the worst kind". Amateurish. Trippy. Inexcusable. I really hope the makers of Roller Blade Seven had fun, because I certainly did not.

Reading through the other reviews I feel like preaching to the choir here. Even though some have taken it upon themselves to call this garbage artistic or non-traditional, even revolutionary (judging by their profiles they are true DGJ devotees), there does still exist a line between having your own unique voice in art and falling extremely flat while trying to be "artsy". For the benefit of film as a form of art and entertainment and as a warning to those aspiring to partake in the process of creating films we should call spade a spade here and give the nauseating misuse of stock called Roller Blade Seven the loathing it deserves.

Trying to dissect this film is borderline impossible, as everything on both sides of the camera seems to be so irredeemably off. It has no place in a theatre, home collection, and even for a low-budget museum of post-modern art it would be like a bird dropping in a cappuccino. How this hideous miscreant has escaped to be viewable by the public oblivious to the horrors they're about to witness I do not know.

Heed the warnings and avoid this mess that unashamedly calls itself a movie at all costs.

This is really a Rock n' Roll Great Film! It is like Fellini on Acid and I love Fellini!

I mean, there are so many twists and turns in this film, that it really keeps you guessing. This film is really different than any other action-adventure film I have ever seen, if you can call it an action-adventure. Yeah, it has martial arts and swordplay but this film is really not about that. This film is like somebody went out there, did what ever they wanted to do, and put it on film.

As an Art School Geek, this is the kind of film I would like to make if I had the money.

This film really has created a new and better genera of film-making and "It Rocks!"

Okay, okay. What in the world is this. After seeing others talk about it on the internet, I knew I had to see this atrocity. Now here is the caveat to the "1" on my rating. It's a good "1." It's the kind of rating where it deserves it due to its atrocity to film making. However, it's also kinda of interesting to experience. Who would have thought such randomness would be so eye opening in its conception. Is this film misguided? Yes. Is it incomprehensible? Yes. Drink some brews and prepare to curse a lot!

One of things I liked most about this film is all of the very cool locations the filmmakers used. They used the dam that was seen in Escape From New York, The Plantarium used in Terminator, the Dry Lake Bed I have seen in so many Music Videos, The Spice Girls, Shanya Twain, etc, this incredible massive rock wall, and a very very cool town that was made up of all these art pieces. This movie is full of great locations and great camera work. Recommended!!!!!

So uh, I'll preface this by admitting we illegally downloaded this movie, but I don't imagine there's any legitimate means to watch it, so we're gonna let that slide.

We thought the file was corrupted because scenes repeatedly loop 3-4 times, directly back to back.

Turns out the movie is just like that??

I've only not finished maybe three movies in my life intentionally and this is one of them. I think I could have done it if it wasn't for the repeating, but it was honestly kind of making me anxious.

I'm guessing it was some effort to hit a minimum film length but there were certainly better ways to do that.