Friends (1994–2004)
Matthew Perry: Chandler Bing
Photos
Quotes
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Chandler : I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
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Chandler : I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
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Monica : You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler : Oh, my God.
Monica : Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best...
[crying]
Monica : There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler : Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica : Yes.
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[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
Joey : Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Joey : We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey : It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
[later]
Joey : Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler : Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey : When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica : How bout receiving?
Joey : Yes!
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Chandler : [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.
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[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica : Sex!
Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler : It's like a big hug.
Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross : Sex!
Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey : I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel : Come on, you have to answer.
Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
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Monica : [chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.
Chandler : [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.
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Chandler : I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?
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Chandler : All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.
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[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
Joey : I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.
Chandler : Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
Joey : Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
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Joey : I am telling this to Rachel.
Monica : No, Joey.
Joey : Unless...
Chandler : Unless what?
Joey : Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler : What? Why?
Joey : Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler : Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey : Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.
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Monica : Hi.
Chandler : You are not gonna believe what I did today.
Monica : Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave.
Chandler : I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler.
[pause]
Chandler : Although, I hope they don't.
Monica : Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump?
Chandler : Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five!
Monica : What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler : Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words.
Monica : Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler : Because it's awesome.
Monica : You think this is clever?
Chandler : Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge.
Monica : Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.
Chandler : Well, it is, when you put it together with that one.
Monica : Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there.
Chandler : Come on, he wont even know what they mean.
Monica : He's seven, not stupid.
Chandler : Have you talked to him lately?
Monica : All right, I'm just going to unplug it...
Chandler : No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work!
[Monica unplugs it]
Chandler : Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip!
Monica : You gotta beat your scores.
Chandler : With the claw?
Monica : Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger".
Chandler : Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!
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Ross : Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler : Du-ude!
Monica : What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross : Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler : Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
Ross : ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica : You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler : In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
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Chandler : Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.
Joey : Why?
Chandler : There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.
Joey : How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.
Chandler : I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.
Joey : I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.
Chandler : [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.
Joey : I know.
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Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe : Oh, yeah!
Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica : Absolutely.
Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
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[Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck]
Chandler : Could we BE more white trash?
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Chandler : [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre]
[thinks]
Chandler : Just reach over and pick it up...
[discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth]
Chandler : There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*!
[suddenly starts to gag]
Chandler : And now you're choking.
Jill Goodacre : [frowns] Are you okay?
[Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]
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[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony]
Chandler : Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.
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[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up]
Chandler : Great show. Good work, Joey.
Joey : You liked it?
Chandler : Liked it? I loved it.
Joey : What did you like best about it?
Chandler : I liked... everything the whole show.
Joey : What about the specifics?
Chandler : Specifics? Specifics were the best part.
Joey : What about the scene with the kangaroo?
Chandler : I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
Joey : You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.
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Chandler : You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica : Me too.
Chandler : You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours...
Monica : Yeah?
Chandler : Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering?
Monica : The wedding's off, sloppy and immature.
[they get up]
Monica : Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room.
Chandler : Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica : Shrill? The wedding's back on.
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Chandler : All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
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Chandler : ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"
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[to Ross]
Chandler : You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.
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Chandler : [Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra] Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you?
Monica : Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime!
Chandler : [acting as outraged as her] She must have been planning this for years!
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Monica : Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
Chandler : You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.
[Monicas stares at him]
Chandler : Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?
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Chandler : Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
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Chandler : Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
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[Referring to Janice]
Chandler : How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
Joey : I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
Chandler : Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.
[Janice enters Central Perk]
Janice : [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine.
Chandler : Hello, Just Janice.
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Chandler : Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.
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Ross : My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica : Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross : Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler : Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross : No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
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[When asked if he knows anything about chicks]
Chandler : Fowl? No. Women?... No.
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Chandler : Stay... stay. Good fake dog.
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Chandler : Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.
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[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]
Chandler : Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.
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Monica : I am so jealous.
Rachel : You guys are really just right there.Aren't you?
Chandler : Yes... Right where?
Monica : The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking...
Chandler : Yeah you gotta love the talking.
Monica : And the sex?
Chandler : Alright we hadn't have sex yet. Okay. What's the big deal?This is special. I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.
Rachel : Oh, chandler, that is so nice.
Ross : That is really nice... Lying! No way is that the reason.
Rachel : Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?
Chandler : He's right. I'm totally lying.
Monica : Then what is it?
Chandler : Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross : And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?
Chandler : No. I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Ross : I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler : Yes and I was saying the actual words.
Monica : Big deal. So Joey has had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's great in bed.
Chandler : We share a wall. So either is great in bed, or she just liked to agree with him a lot.
Monica : With you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great because you guys are in love.
Chandler : Yeah?
Ross : Just go for it Chandler.
Monica , Rachel : Yeah you should.
Chandler : All right. All right. I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.
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Chandler : [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
Joey : Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Richard : Well...
Joey : No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
[Chandler kicks, out of sight]
Joey : I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.
[to Chandler]
Joey : What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.
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[Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa]
Chandler : Aaaaaand... Hernia.
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Chandler : You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.
Ross : All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.
Chandler : Ross came in fourth and cried.
Ross : Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.
Chandler : That was you.
Ross : Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.
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[In response to a stupid comment]
Chandler : You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
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Rachel : So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler : It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel : Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross : Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel : You shouldn't.
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Joey : Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler : Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
Joey : God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."
Chandler : I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey : Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?
Chandler : I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
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Julie : [Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple] You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick.
Chandler : Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area?
Julie : Sorry.
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[In response to one of Joey's stupid comments]
Chandler : How do you not fall down more often?
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Chandler : Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?
Monica : Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.
Rachel : Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!
Phoebe : Ohhhhhhh!
Rachel : That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.
Phoebe : Yeah that'll kill it.
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Chandler : Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.
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Chandler : [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".
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Chandler : [talking to Monica about the new house] When did you start crapping money?
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Ross : I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Joey , Chandler : That's nice.
Ross : No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
Joey : Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross : Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
Chandler : What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey : He should take the sack?
Ross : Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler : Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey : Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
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Jack Geller : I remember when we first got engaged.
Chandler : Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story.
Monica : Oh dad, really you don't need to...
Jack Geller : [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened.
Judy Geller : [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
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Joey : Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?
Joey : Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler : [to Monica] Shouldn't we call the spitter?
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[talking to Monica]
Chandler : Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
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Chandler : You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.
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Chandler : You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?
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Chandler : Am I sexy in Tulsa?
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Chandler : I am holding up these cushions as a symbol of my remorse! Though you may haveth anger now...
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Chandler : [conflicted over Kathy] That's no good, I'm starting to yearn!
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Chandler : [making fun of TV] Oh she should not be wearing those pants! I say push her down the stairs!
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Chandler : [Name the 50 States Game] If you can't do it you can't do it. That's the great thing about this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.
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Chandler : [can't talk Phoebe's boyfriend out of moving in with her] Were your parents HAPPY or something?
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Joey : [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London] Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.
[Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey]
Joey : Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler : Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
Joey : Really? To what?
Chandler : To put the camera away!
Joey : Man, you are Westminster Crabby.
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Monica : [as the movers are moving a dresser out of the bedroom] Careful with that, it was my Grandmother's. Be careful.
[Two more movers are moving the giant white dog statue from the balcony]
Monica : If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[She hands the one mover some money]
Ross : [Looking around the now empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel : I know. Seems smaller, somehow.
Joey : Has it always been purple?
Chandler : [to the babies] Look around, you guys. This was your first home... and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter. But, more importantly, 'cause of rent control, it was a friggin' steal.
Phoebe : Hey, do you realize that at one time or another, we all lived in this apartment?
Monica : Oh yeah, that's true.
Ross : Uh, I haven't.
Monica : No, what about the Summer during college that you lived with Grandma? And you tried to make it as a dancer.
Ross : [as everyone awkwardly stares at him] Do you realize we almost made it 10 years without that coming up?
Monica : [to Chandler] Oh, Honey, I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.
Chandler : Oh, okay.
[as Monica and Chandler take their keys out of their pockets and place them on the kitchen counter, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey, also, take out their keys to Monica's apartment and place them on the kitchen counter]
Phoebe : I guess this is it.
Joey : Yeah... I guess so.
Monica : [Crying] This is harder than I thought it would be.
[Chandler kisses Monica on her head, then hugs her, as Ross does the same to Rachel, whom is also crying, with Ross also hugging Monica, while still hugging Rachel, with Phoebe crying as well]
Rachel : What, do you guys have to move to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica : [Monica and Chandler look at each other, with Chandler nodding in agreement] We got some time.
Rachel : Okay, should we get some coffee?
Chandler : Sure.
[They begin walking towards the front door to exit the apartment]
Chandler : Where?
[They group is then seen in the hallway, coming out of the apartment, walking to the stairway, as the camera pans Monica's now-empty apartment, panning from the balcony window into the kitchen, past the refrigerator, to the front door, and finally zooms in on the front door's peephole, which is still surrounded by the yellow picture frame]
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Monica : Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
Chandler : No.
Monica : Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.
Chandler : ...All right.
Joey : YEAH.
Chandler : But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
Monica : Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler : No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
Ross : Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler : Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey : [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...
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Phoebe : Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.
Chandler : Because, it... it's not his last name.
Phoebe : It isn't?
Chandler : No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe : Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe : There should *be* a gold man!
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Chandler : Do you have the revised Annual Network Usage Summary?
Colleague : We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the 70s.
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Chandler : [Everyone's hugging] Aw... oh that's right, I have no-one.
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Chandler : Go with the Egg, my friend!
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Colleague : Now, Chandler, I'm going to need this back on Tuesday.
Chandler : If you say so, Sir.
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Chandler : When I get back it's going to be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on chairs!
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Chandler : Full bag... warm bowl... something horrible must have happened here!
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Chandler : Big head, big head, big head!
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Chandler : When I get back it'll be Chair City, and I'll be the one who's sitting on Chairs!
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Chandler : Hell is full of people like you.
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Chandler : He said "Hey Todd, want a donut?" And I wanted a donut. So now it's five years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Todd.
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Chandler : If only there were something in your head to stop you saying stupid stuff!
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Chandler : It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
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Chandler : There's a time and a place! That's what deathbed confessions are for!
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Chandler : You kissed my best Ross!
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Chandler : So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?
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Chandler : [Drunk, Ross and Chandler's famous romance-author Mother kissed] I expect this from her, she's always been a Freudian nightmare.
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Chandler : Who's the Bitterest man in the living room/ the Bitterest man in the living room? Hello, Neighbour!
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Chandler : You made my girlfriend think!
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Chandler : Something funny about sneakers.
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Chandler : So, Janice, who's the lucky guy whose essence you've stolen?
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Chandler : What if Joey was President?
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Chandler : So the question is: How dumb are you?
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Chandler : Could we be more white trash?
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Chandler : You can't leave me! I've got your shoe!
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Chandler : I guess that's why they call it Psychology, Sir.
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Joey : So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And the next thing you know, you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?
Chandler : Isn't that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?
Joey : Yeah! I call that "London style."
Monica : No, that is not what happened with us.
Phoebe : Ooh, maybe you should say it is because "London style" sounds nice.
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Rachel : What's the matter with you?
Chandler : Some mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat!
Rachel : No?
Joey : You're kiddin'?
Ross : It was ridiculous. These guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel : Oh, hi.
Ross : Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler : Oh...
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler : Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
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Chandler : Does she not deserve Love? Don't look at me like that, he's the one that wants to bonk the Maniac!
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Chandler : He said, "Hi, Bob! Want a donut?" And I wanted a Donut. And now it's 5 years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Bob.
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Chandler : Oh, the Humanity!
