- Leprechaun: There was an old man of Madras whose balls were made of fine brass. So in stormy weather they both clang together and sparks flew out of his ass.
- Leprechaun: Ahhh... lovely golden palaces completely full of riches. I'll rip 'em off and rob 'em blind, those dirty sons of bitches.
- Loretta: Who the hell are you?
- Leprechaun: I'm a leprechaun me lass, and I'm gonna make you pay.
- Loretta: What do you want?
- Leprechaun: Your boobs are big. Your butt is small. But still you're in for quite a fall.
- Loretta: What are you talking about?
- Leprechaun: Oh, well didn't you hear? Bigger is good, but jumbo is dear. I'll give ya boobs that'll come out to here.
- Tammy: Let me go, you son of a bitch!
- Leprechaun: Now that's no way to speak about me mother, bless her green soul.
- Leprechaun: Now that was quite a load to have to explode. What a lovely lass, I had to blow up your ass but now I must hit the road!
- [Leprechaun appears on the TV as a lawyer doing a commercial]
- Leprechaun: Feeling sick? Stubbed your toe? Call this lawyer. I'll fix your woe. Agony is my business. I'll fight for you! Even you, Mitch.
- [Leprechaun appears on the TV as a psychic doing a commercial]
- Leprechaun: The signs point to a tragedy about to happen: casino owner dies in a bed of lies.
- Scott: [on the phone] Yeah, give me hotel security. Yeah, I'd like to report a leprechaun in your hotel. No, a LEPRECHAUN. Yeah, little green guy. HE TRIED TO KILL ME! Hello?
- Mitch: Will you keep your voice down? One thing I can't stand is a fat broad with a big mouth.
- Loretta: Who's callin' fat *fat*, Mr. Porker? You couldn't get a woman if your life depended on it.
- Mitch: Oh yeah? I could have any broad that I want.
- Loretta: Like that bubble-headed little bimbo Miss Tammy?
- [Leprechaun appears on the TV as a preacher doing a commercial]
- Leprechaun: Praise the Lord! And send in your money. Otherwise, you're all doomed to hellfire and damnation for fornicatin' with the Devil's harlot. Especially you, Mitch. You're a prime offender.
- Fazio: [Leprechaun has turned his white rabbit into a pile of dung] Oh, shit!
- Leprechaun: A little token of my esteem. It is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily at exactly 9:00. It comes from my shillelagh. You can keep it in a crock. Ha ha.
- Art: What do I want? I want brown hair. I want health insurance for all Americans. I want the Mets to get their shit together.
- Mitch: Ladies and gentlemen, due to a slight solicrivilance in the stem of the wheel, the situation is thus - this table is now closed.
- Loretta: Look at those tits! I wish I was a man so I could just screw myself right to the floor. And I dare you to feel that ass, Fazio. That's prime.