Tommy Boy (1995)
Chris Farley: Tommy
Photos
Quotes
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[saying it correctly]
Tommy : I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it.
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Tommy : Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer : Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy : Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer : Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy : 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
Ted Nelson, Customer : [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy : The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer : But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy : Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer : [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy : Well, that's...
Tommy , Richard Hayden : ...What?
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Tommy : Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden : Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy : You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden : I know, they're called doctors.
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Tommy : Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
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Richard Hayden : Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car.
Tommy : Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.
Richard Hayden : All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy : Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
Richard Hayden : You don't want none of me; think it through.
Tommy : Just gimme your best shot.
[Richard Punches him]
Tommy : That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy : Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy : If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy : That was a good one.
Richard Hayden : [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
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Tommy : Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
[Picks up model car]
Tommy : You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!
[Slams model car into lighter]
Tommy : There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,
[sets car on fire]
Tommy : "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
[Imitates siren]
Tommy : And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
[Imitates retching]
Tommy : All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
Executive with Toy Cars : Get out. Now!
Tommy : [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?
Executive with Toy Cars : No!
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[Richard's car is destroyed by a deer]
Richard Hayden : No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy : I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... *awesome*.
[bursts out laughing]
Tommy : ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.
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Tommy : Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden : No, your face does.
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Tommy : [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky's headquarters] I thought they were on my side.
Richard Hayden : They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.
Tommy : Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.
[the park bench collapses]
Tommy : Could've done without that.
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[last lines]
Tommy : Oh, that's gonna leave a mark!
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Tommy : Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard : Don't do it.
Tommy : Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Don't
Tommy : [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy : Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy : Uh oh!
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Tommy : I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden : A message? What number did you call?
Tommy : Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden : I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy : No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden : You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
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[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy : Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
Tommy : What kind of hotel is this?
[opens door]
Tommy : Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
Richard Hayden : Good morning, sunshine.
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Richard Hayden : You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
Tommy : Ketchup Popsicle?
Richard Hayden : Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.
[mocking Tommy]
Richard Hayden : "Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON!"
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Tommy : Hey, what's your name?
Helen : Helen.
Tommy : That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.
[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]
Tommy : Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.
[Pokes the roll playfully]
Tommy : You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...
[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
Tommy : [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen : God, you're sick.
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Tommy : [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming topless in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed] Richard, what were you doing?
Richard Hayden : Um, going over some documents.
Tommy : Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!
Richard Hayden : They're... in my briefcase.
Tommy : How can you be reading documents, when they're in your briefcase? Hmm... that's a mystery!
Richard Hayden : [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then, let's hit it.
Tommy : Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy... Whackett?
Richard Hayden : Ok, let's get some shut-eye.
Tommy : [Looks out the window] Say! That's a pretty girl down there!
Richard Hayden : Good for her.
Tommy : Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
Richard Hayden : Couldn't tell ya.
[Later that night]
Tommy : Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.
Richard Hayden : Yup. That'd be good.
Tommy : Richard... Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?
[Giggles]
Tommy : Sinner.
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Tommy : [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer : [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy : No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard : [embarrassed] Wow.
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[after Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself]
Ray Zalinsky : Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?
Tommy : Sir, it's an taxicab air freshener.
Ray Zalinsky : Good, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.
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Tommy : Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!
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Tommy : [Tommy is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind. Some kids are mocking him from the shore] You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.
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[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]
Richard Hayden : I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy : It's HERBIE Hancock.
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Tommy : R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two.
R.T., Shipping Foreman : That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.
[he shows Tommy the shipping address]
R.T., Shipping Foreman : You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
Tommy : Uh... that's pretty much it for now.
R.T., Shipping Foreman : Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.
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Richard Hayden : All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy : No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden : No.
Tommy : Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden : We don't take no for answer.
Tommy : Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
'No' Manager : No.
Tommy : Okey-dokey.
'No' Manager : No.
Tommy : Gotcha. Thanks.
'No' Manager : [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
Tommy : Terrific! Thanks for your time.
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Paul : Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!
Michelle : Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
Ray Zalinsky : What's all this about?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
Richard Hayden : Yes. Provocative.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
Michelle : Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
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[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent]
Richard Hayden : Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
Tommy : I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden : I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy : Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden : Are you talking?
Tommy : Shut up, Richard.
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[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
Richard Hayden : Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy : Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden : True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
[Tommy winces at his mistake]
Richard Hayden : I swear to God, you're worthless!
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Paul : That's it! I'm not gonna take this.
Richard Hayden : Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
Michelle : Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
[Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : [shouts] Get him!
Ray Zalinsky : Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
Paul : Screw you! Screw all of you!
[trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
Paul : Not good.
Ray Zalinsky : Hit the brakes!
Paul : [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
Richard Hayden : Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
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Tommy : Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.
Richard Hayden : Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.
Tommy : My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
[points to huge bruised area on his face]
Tommy : Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.
Richard Hayden : Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
Helen : Yep. And you, what can I get
[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]
Helen : Jesus, what happened to your face?
Tommy : I knew it!
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Kid in Bank : Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank.
Tommy : I didn't rob any bank.
Kid in Bank : Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.
Tommy : I got a tiny head?
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[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
Tommy : Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden : I dunno, the vet?
Tommy : You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden : Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy : Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden : Got that?
Tommy : Shut up.
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Tommy : Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
Michelle : He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
Tommy : Wow!
[awkward silence]
Michelle : [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
Tommy : I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
[motioning at his stomach]
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Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Holy Schnike!
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Richard Hayden : [Tommy manages to convince a waitress to temporarily open the diner kitchen] Did that board to the head knock something loose?
Tommy : What are you talking about?
Richard Hayden : That 180 you just pulled with the waitress. Why can't you sell like that?
Tommy : I was just having fun. If we didn't get the wings, so what? We still got that meat lover's pizza in the trunk.
Richard Hayden : Hey, you got the wings 'cause you were relaxed, so you had confidence. And that's what it takes to sell; confidence. Your dad had that.
[looking at a piece of shrimp from his plate]
Richard Hayden : Ugh. Why do you always have to de-turd these things?
Tommy : My dad was smart. I'm not.
Richard Hayden : Very true, but there's two types of smarts: book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago, and there's street smart; the ability to read people. And you know how to do that, just like your dad. He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear and what people needed to hear. That's what selling is all about. In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads.
Tommy : Hey, everybody, it's Tony Robbins. Maybe you're right, Richard.
Richard Hayden : I think I am.
[showing him the shrimp]
Richard Hayden : Holy lord, look at this guy. Caught him right after Thanksgiving feast.
Tommy : [snickering] Nice, Richard.
Richard Hayden : God, I need a pooper scooper.
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Richard Hayden : [Zalinski turns on a high-powered fan that blows Richard's toupee off] You tell anyone about this and I will kill you, you understand me?
Tommy : Uh... it looks real!
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[as Richard is adjusting Tommy's tie, it comes off]
Tommy : Heh, heh, heh, it's a clip-on.
Richard Hayden : Heh, heh, heh, are you sure?
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Richard Hayden : What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy : Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden : One and a...
Tommy : ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden : Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
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Tommy : [closes the hood of the car after checking the oil] She's a quart low.
Richard Hayden : Oh, yeah? Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in! That's your penance for the puppet show back there. And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay? I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.
Tommy : [mutters] You're a huge embarrassing failure.
Richard Hayden : What?
Tommy : Nothing.
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Tommy : Hey, what's your hurry?
Richard Hayden : You know that thing in the back seat? It's not an air freshener. It's a dead, rotting deer carcass and we gotta take care of it quick. Now, this is one of our oldest customers. We should be in and out.
Tommy : Hey, this sales thing isn't so easy. You can't just go in and out. You gotta finesse 'em a little bit.
Richard Hayden : Hey, by "finesse", do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?
Tommy : No, but it's nice to see you again, Mr. Insult. Say, have you seen Richard anywhere? 'Cause if you do, could you ask him, I mean, since he's so good, if he might want to try selling?
Richard Hayden : Oh, yeah?
Tommy : Yeah.
Richard Hayden : Watch and learn.
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Richard Hayden : Hey, why didn't you pump any gas?
Tommy : They're all out. They only got diesel. Better go to the next station.
[after checking a possible scratch, Richard opens the car door, which falls off in his hand]
Tommy : [having bent it backwards while backing up to the pump] What'd you do?
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Tommy : I'll have chicken wings.
Helen : Kitchen's closed until dinner. We just got cold stuff and desserts.
Tommy : Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot. You sure it's closed?
Helen : Let me check.
[she doesn't move, deadpan]
Helen : Yup, it's closed.
Tommy : Okay. I'll just have a sugar packet or two.
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Tommy : How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets?
Michelle : I don't like file cabinets.
Tommy : Why not?
Michelle : You have to open them. I've got my own system; hasn't failed me yet. All the shipping orders go through me, which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here. So if I couldn't do things my own way, I'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town.
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Richard Hayden : [after Tommy explodes in a client's office] That guy may not call us.
Tommy : I can't believe he called me a psycho.
Richard Hayden : Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho... Good God. And comb your hair.
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[repeated line]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Shut Up Richard.
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Tommy : [after watching Ray Zalinski car commercial] Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.
Richard Hayden : This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is,
[sarcastically]
Richard Hayden : "Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!"
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Richard Hayden : What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy : It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?
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[Tommy has a fake bomb strapped to himself]
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News : Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares.
Ray Zalinsky : Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Ha ha ha, why?
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Big Tom : Don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out. Any business that tries to wait it out will be just that: out. In auto parts, you're either growing or you're dying. There ain't no third direction.
Ron Gilmore : Tom, you're talking about a huge loan. Maybe instead of borrowing, you should take on a partner.
Big Tom : No, this always has been, always will be a family firm. My grandfather founded it in '21. My father kept it running during the Depression. My Aunt Eileen ran it when he went away to war, and someday, my son will run it.
Tommy : Hi, Dad.
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Tommy : [trying to read a map] I don't see any McKeesport.
Richard Hayden : It's the next town, tons of fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron?
[putting his finger in Tommy's face]
Richard Hayden : Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
[unknown to them, a deer walks out into the middle of the road]
Richard Hayden : Yeah, look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here...
Tommy : DEER!
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Ted Nelson, Customer : I like your line and I like your prices, but there's a problem. There's no guarantee on the box.
Tommy : Heck, if something breaks down, you can call me, even if I'm home watching TV.
Richard Hayden : Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.
Ted Nelson, Customer : Maybe so, but it's not on the box. It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out "I'm good. I'll never let you down. But if I do, I'm going to make things all better."
Richard Hayden : Our brake pads are made with a noncorrosive polyplating...
Ted Nelson, Customer : Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it. My customers need to see that little label looking them right in the eye.
Tommy : Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...
Richard Hayden : [stopping him] No.
Ted Nelson, Customer : What?
Richard Hayden : Remember, chicken wings.
Tommy : Chicken wings? All right, you want to talk about guarantees, then...
Ted Nelson, Customer : Fellas, you just ran out of time.
Tommy : [remembering their conversation at the diner] Chicken wings.
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Tommy : It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday. So, where'd you guys meet?
Big Tom : [giving Beverly a glass of champagne] Ah, here you go, sweetheart. Uh, we met at the fat farm, spa, resort thing. Beverly was one of the trainers. In fact, she was the only one of the trainers I didn't wanna plant six feet under a lettuce patch.
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Richard Hayden : [seeing cops hurrying around] Wow, what's goin' on out here?
Tommy : [trying to be cool] Walk slow.
Richard Hayden : Okay. Why?
Tommy : Nothing.
Richard Hayden : Am I consorting with a known felon?
Tommy : Shut up, Richard.
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Tommy : Ray, we're not looking for a handout here. I'm offering you a great deal. This is an order for half a million Callahan brake pads to be sold in your stores; made by the American working man for the American working man.
Ray Zalinsky : Well... absolutely! It would be my great pleasure. I mean, what have I got to lose? A great American product, right?
R.T., Shipping Foreman : [watching on TV] I don't believe it. Tommy just sold half a million brake pads.
Louis, Factory Worker : Tommy just sold a half a million brake pads!
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Tommy : Hey, what is this thing?
Louis, Factory Worker : It's a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give'em a zap.
Tommy : Cool, can I try?
Louis, Factory Worker : Sure, give'er!
[Tommy grinds a part with the buffer, it slips out of his hands and the wheel sends it flying across the factory]
Louis, Factory Worker : Nice distance!
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[Tommy is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind. He looks up to the sky to talk to his Dad]
Tommy : Dad, we got a little problem here. I've been stuck out here for an hour with no wind again. I'm supposed to be at Michelle's for dinner.
[laughs]
Tommy : So, if you could give me a little help, I would appreciate it. If not, don't worry about it. I'm trying to do everything I think you would be doing. And so far it's going pretty good. I just want to tell you that I still love you and I sure miss you a lot.
[the wind appears]
Tommy : Hey, thanks Dad!
[Tommy gets hit in the head with the mainsail]
Tommy : Oh! Son-of-a! That's gonna leave a mark!
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Richard Hayden : You have de-railed...
Tommy : Shut up Richard!
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Tommy : Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul : Does it make a difference?
Tommy : Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul : Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy : God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul : And?
Tommy : They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul : And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy : We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.
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[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden : Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy : Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
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Tommy : Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden : Yikes.
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Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month".
Paul : I'm honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?
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Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!
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Ray Zalinsky : Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I'm a hell of a salesman and he doesn't know any better. Well, son, since you're no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you. Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago, and you and bald-headed friend, you did what you could and that's commendable. Marty, have Security see these boys out.
Marty, Zalinsky's Aide : Yes, sir.
Ray Zalinsky : Mrs. Callahan.
[greets Beverly and Paul; Paul waves "goodbye"]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : [in shock] What's my family doing in there?
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Tommy : [goofing off in front of an electric fan] La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...
Richard Hayden : [Walks in] Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Tommy : That was from Star Wars.
Richard Hayden : I know.
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[Tommy is celebrating his graduation with friends]
Tommy : Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show...
[he passes out and falls on a table and smashes it]
-
Tommy : But the Callahan factory has been in my family for seventy years. You can't just shut it down.
Ray Zalinsky : Son, you got to look at it from my point of view. Callahan's a premium name. That's what I'm buying. I can make the parts in one of my factories, put them in a Callahan box, and sell them in my stores at a premium price. Why keep your factory going when all I want's the god damn box?
-
Richard Hayden : [after accidentally hitting a deer] You saw what happened. There was nothing I could do, right?
Tommy : Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me, you would've seen it coming.
Richard Hayden : Shut up, Tommy. It's not my fault.
Tommy : Poor little furry thing.
Richard Hayden : I've never seen one close-up before.
Tommy : What are we gonna do? We can't just leave it here.
[they both start sobbing]
-
Paul : So, is there anything to do in this town besides eat?
Tommy : Tons of stuff! Late-night Pitch 'n' Putt. We could go to the livestock auction and cruise the 4-H babes. Throw stuff off the bridge. What do you feel like doing?
Paul : I don't know, something a little more dangerous.
Tommy : Sure. All you can handle, bro.
-
Tommy : [after a failed sales pitch] I wouldn't say you did much better. Thought you were so cool. "Watch and learn," he says. Well, I was watching. Know what I saw?
[hearing something in the back seat, he and Richard realize the deer they hit is still alive]
Tommy : AHH! IT'S ALIVE!
[getting out of the car]
Tommy : I think it tried to bite me!
-
Richard Hayden : I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Whoa! I think they're pissed.
Tommy : [seeing a billboard advertisement for Zalinsky's auto stores] Yeah! That's the answer!
Richard Hayden : Ugh, doesn't look like the answer. I don't remember eating that.
-
Frank Rittenhauer : Something went haywire down in shipping and receiving. Your shipments got screwed up in the computer. The wrong parts went to the wrong cities. Now all hell has broken loose.
Richard Hayden : I don't believe this.
Tommy : Okay, so we call everyone and explain what happened.
Frank Rittenhauer : Half the orders have already been canceled.
Tommy : What?
Frank Rittenhauer : They think it's an indication of how things work around here. The real problem is we won't be able to make the payment to the bank.
Richard Hayden : This is like a bad "Twilight Zone." I think I'm growing a tumor.
Tommy : Look, we talk to the bank, maybe they'll give us a break. Hell, we've been doin' business with 'em for 23 years.
Frank Rittenhauer : Tommy, it's all over. You made a valiant effort. But we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky. I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company.
Tommy : What's gonna happen to the factory?
Frank Rittenhauer : He's gonna shut it down. Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers. He wants the Callahan name. That's all.
Richard Hayden : Did anyone see "Scanners"?
Frank Rittenhauer : Bottom line is by 6:00 p.m. tomorrow, we'll all be unemployed.
-
Tommy : What's wrong with you, Richard? You can't drink in a car. Don't you know we can get busted for that?
Richard Hayden : [imitating Johnny Carson] I'm sorry. I did not know that.
[normally]
Richard Hayden : But right now, we got a bigger problem.
Tommy : That is...?
Richard Hayden : [about to barf] Beer's coming back up.
-
Tommy : Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden : Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy : Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
