Tommy Boy (1995)
David Spade: Richard
Photos
Quotes
-
Tommy : Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson, Customer : Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy : Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson, Customer : Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy : 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
Ted Nelson, Customer : [impatiently] What's your point?
Tommy : The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson, Customer : But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy : Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson, Customer : [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy : Well, that's...
Tommy , Richard Hayden : ...What?
-
Tommy : Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden : Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy : You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden : I know, they're called doctors.
-
Richard Hayden : Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car.
Tommy : Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.
Richard Hayden : All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.
Tommy : Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
Richard Hayden : You don't want none of me; think it through.
Tommy : Just gimme your best shot.
[Richard Punches him]
Tommy : That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
[Richard punches him again]
Tommy : Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
[Richard punches him twice]
Tommy : If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!
[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
Tommy : That was a good one.
Richard Hayden : [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!
-
[Richard's car is destroyed by a deer]
Richard Hayden : No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy : I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... *awesome*.
[bursts out laughing]
Tommy : ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.
-
Tommy : Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden : No, your face does.
-
Tommy : [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky's headquarters] I thought they were on my side.
Richard Hayden : They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.
Tommy : Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.
[the park bench collapses]
Tommy : Could've done without that.
-
Tommy : Richard? Is this your coat?
Richard : Don't do it.
Tommy : Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Don't
Tommy : [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard : Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
Tommy : Richard! What's happening?
[coat rips]
Tommy : Uh oh!
-
Tommy : I l-left a message.
Richard Hayden : A message? What number did you call?
Tommy : Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden : I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy : No, it was cordless.
Richard Hayden : You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
-
[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy : Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
Tommy : What kind of hotel is this?
[opens door]
Tommy : Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
Richard Hayden : Good morning, sunshine.
-
Richard Hayden : You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
Tommy : Ketchup Popsicle?
Richard Hayden : Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.
[mocking Tommy]
Richard Hayden : "Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON!"
-
Reservationist : [Richard is trying to book an immediate flight to Chicago] Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard Hayden : Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
[Reservationist looks confused]
Reservationist : I don't think so.
-
Tommy : [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming topless in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed] Richard, what were you doing?
Richard Hayden : Um, going over some documents.
Tommy : Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!
Richard Hayden : They're... in my briefcase.
Tommy : How can you be reading documents, when they're in your briefcase? Hmm... that's a mystery!
Richard Hayden : [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then, let's hit it.
Tommy : Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy... Whackett?
Richard Hayden : Ok, let's get some shut-eye.
Tommy : [Looks out the window] Say! That's a pretty girl down there!
Richard Hayden : Good for her.
Tommy : Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
Richard Hayden : Couldn't tell ya.
[Later that night]
Tommy : Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.
Richard Hayden : Yup. That'd be good.
Tommy : Richard... Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?
[Giggles]
Tommy : Sinner.
-
Richard Hayden : [Watching Tommy eat french fries and then squirting ketchup into his mouth] Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.
-
Tommy : [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer : [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy : No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard : [embarrassed] Wow.
-
[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]
Richard Hayden : I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy : It's HERBIE Hancock.
-
Richard Hayden : All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
Tommy : No shit from anyone.
Richard Hayden : No.
Tommy : Um, we don't take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden : We don't take no for answer.
Tommy : Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
'No' Manager : No.
Tommy : Okey-dokey.
'No' Manager : No.
Tommy : Gotcha. Thanks.
'No' Manager : [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
Tommy : Terrific! Thanks for your time.
-
Richard Hayden : Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
-
Paul : Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!
Michelle : Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
Ray Zalinsky : What's all this about?
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
Richard Hayden : Yes. Provocative.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
Michelle : Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
-
[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent]
Richard Hayden : Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
Tommy : I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
Richard Hayden : I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy : Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden : Are you talking?
Tommy : Shut up, Richard.
-
Richard Hayden : Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.
-
[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
Richard Hayden : Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy : Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden : True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
[Tommy winces at his mistake]
Richard Hayden : I swear to God, you're worthless!
-
Paul : That's it! I'm not gonna take this.
Richard Hayden : Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
Michelle : Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
[Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : [shouts] Get him!
Ray Zalinsky : Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III : [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
Paul : Screw you! Screw all of you!
[trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
Paul : Not good.
Ray Zalinsky : Hit the brakes!
Paul : [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
Richard Hayden : Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
-
Tommy : Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.
Richard Hayden : Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.
Tommy : My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
[points to huge bruised area on his face]
Tommy : Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.
Richard Hayden : Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
Helen : Yep. And you, what can I get
[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]
Helen : Jesus, what happened to your face?
Tommy : I knew it!
-
Gas Station Employee : I'm starting to picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden : Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
-
Richard Hayden : And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a *retard*.
-
[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
Tommy : Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden : I dunno, the vet?
Tommy : You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden : Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
Tommy : Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
Richard Hayden : Got that?
Tommy : Shut up.
-
Richard Hayden : [Tommy manages to convince a waitress to temporarily open the diner kitchen] Did that board to the head knock something loose?
Tommy : What are you talking about?
Richard Hayden : That 180 you just pulled with the waitress. Why can't you sell like that?
Tommy : I was just having fun. If we didn't get the wings, so what? We still got that meat lover's pizza in the trunk.
Richard Hayden : Hey, you got the wings 'cause you were relaxed, so you had confidence. And that's what it takes to sell; confidence. Your dad had that.
[looking at a piece of shrimp from his plate]
Richard Hayden : Ugh. Why do you always have to de-turd these things?
Tommy : My dad was smart. I'm not.
Richard Hayden : Very true, but there's two types of smarts: book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago, and there's street smart; the ability to read people. And you know how to do that, just like your dad. He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear and what people needed to hear. That's what selling is all about. In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads.
Tommy : Hey, everybody, it's Tony Robbins. Maybe you're right, Richard.
Richard Hayden : I think I am.
[showing him the shrimp]
Richard Hayden : Holy lord, look at this guy. Caught him right after Thanksgiving feast.
Tommy : [snickering] Nice, Richard.
Richard Hayden : God, I need a pooper scooper.
-
Richard Hayden : It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps.
-
Richard Hayden : [Zalinski turns on a high-powered fan that blows Richard's toupee off] You tell anyone about this and I will kill you, you understand me?
Tommy : Uh... it looks real!
-
[as Richard is adjusting Tommy's tie, it comes off]
Tommy : Heh, heh, heh, it's a clip-on.
Richard Hayden : Heh, heh, heh, are you sure?
-
Richard Hayden : What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
Tommy : Ohhhh, man...
Richard Hayden : One and a...
Tommy : ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
Richard Hayden : Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
-
Boardroom Woman : Whores running around, doing their little behind-shake for the men folk...
Richard Hayden : I kinda like her idea.
Boardroom Man : For Christ's sake. Once during the war I visited a prostitute, and my life has been a living hell ever since.
-
Tommy : [closes the hood of the car after checking the oil] She's a quart low.
Richard Hayden : Oh, yeah? Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in! That's your penance for the puppet show back there. And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay? I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.
Tommy : [mutters] You're a huge embarrassing failure.
Richard Hayden : What?
Tommy : Nothing.
-
Tommy : Hey, what's your hurry?
Richard Hayden : You know that thing in the back seat? It's not an air freshener. It's a dead, rotting deer carcass and we gotta take care of it quick. Now, this is one of our oldest customers. We should be in and out.
Tommy : Hey, this sales thing isn't so easy. You can't just go in and out. You gotta finesse 'em a little bit.
Richard Hayden : Hey, by "finesse", do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire?
Tommy : No, but it's nice to see you again, Mr. Insult. Say, have you seen Richard anywhere? 'Cause if you do, could you ask him, I mean, since he's so good, if he might want to try selling?
Richard Hayden : Oh, yeah?
Tommy : Yeah.
Richard Hayden : Watch and learn.
-
Richard Hayden : Hey, why didn't you pump any gas?
Tommy : They're all out. They only got diesel. Better go to the next station.
[after checking a possible scratch, Richard opens the car door, which falls off in his hand]
Tommy : [having bent it backwards while backing up to the pump] What'd you do?
-
[Seeing Tommy's office]
Richard Hayden : You have a window! And why shouldn't you? You've been here ten minutes.
-
Richard Hayden : [after Tommy explodes in a client's office] That guy may not call us.
Tommy : I can't believe he called me a psycho.
Richard Hayden : Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho... Good God. And comb your hair.
-
Tommy : [after watching Ray Zalinski car commercial] Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.
Richard Hayden : This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is,
[sarcastically]
Richard Hayden : "Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!"
-
Richard Hayden : What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy : It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?
-
Tommy : [trying to read a map] I don't see any McKeesport.
Richard Hayden : It's the next town, tons of fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron?
[putting his finger in Tommy's face]
Richard Hayden : Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
[unknown to them, a deer walks out into the middle of the road]
Richard Hayden : Yeah, look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here...
Tommy : DEER!
-
Ted Nelson, Customer : I like your line and I like your prices, but there's a problem. There's no guarantee on the box.
Tommy : Heck, if something breaks down, you can call me, even if I'm home watching TV.
Richard Hayden : Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.
Ted Nelson, Customer : Maybe so, but it's not on the box. It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out "I'm good. I'll never let you down. But if I do, I'm going to make things all better."
Richard Hayden : Our brake pads are made with a noncorrosive polyplating...
Ted Nelson, Customer : Son, if you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it. My customers need to see that little label looking them right in the eye.
Tommy : Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...
Richard Hayden : [stopping him] No.
Ted Nelson, Customer : What?
Richard Hayden : Remember, chicken wings.
Tommy : Chicken wings? All right, you want to talk about guarantees, then...
Ted Nelson, Customer : Fellas, you just ran out of time.
Tommy : [remembering their conversation at the diner] Chicken wings.
-
Richard Hayden : [seeing cops hurrying around] Wow, what's goin' on out here?
Tommy : [trying to be cool] Walk slow.
Richard Hayden : Okay. Why?
Tommy : Nothing.
Richard Hayden : Am I consorting with a known felon?
Tommy : Shut up, Richard.
-
Richard Hayden : My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
-
Gas Attendant : That's a map of Illinois, which we're in, on the border of Iowa, which is where Davenport is. 22 miles away. You're in the wrong state. Get yourself a new map.
Richard Hayden : Oh. Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?
-
Richard Hayden : You have de-railed...
Tommy : Shut up Richard!
-
[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]
Richard Hayden : Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.
[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]
Tommy : Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
-
Tommy : Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden : Yikes.
-
Tommy : [goofing off in front of an electric fan] La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...
Richard Hayden : [Walks in] Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Tommy : That was from Star Wars.
Richard Hayden : I know.
-
Richard Hayden : [spying on a woman at their motel pool] Oh, daddy like. You get wet, honey. You deserve a swim. Now, take off that itchy robe.
[she does and tests the water with her foot, then glances around]
Richard Hayden : Uh-uh. Nobody's around. It's naughty time. Oh, for the love of God, I've been patient. Please don't stop. We've been on the road...
[she removes her bikini top]
Richard Hayden : Oh, those are real.
-
Richard Hayden : [after accidentally hitting a deer] You saw what happened. There was nothing I could do, right?
Tommy : Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me, you would've seen it coming.
Richard Hayden : Shut up, Tommy. It's not my fault.
Tommy : Poor little furry thing.
Richard Hayden : I've never seen one close-up before.
Tommy : What are we gonna do? We can't just leave it here.
[they both start sobbing]
-
Richard Hayden : Hey, Tommy, this is not a vacation for me. I'm out here against my will, so the least you can do is pretend to work.
-
Richard Hayden : I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Whoa! I think they're pissed.
Tommy : [seeing a billboard advertisement for Zalinsky's auto stores] Yeah! That's the answer!
Richard Hayden : Ugh, doesn't look like the answer. I don't remember eating that.
-
Frank Rittenhauer : Something went haywire down in shipping and receiving. Your shipments got screwed up in the computer. The wrong parts went to the wrong cities. Now all hell has broken loose.
Richard Hayden : I don't believe this.
Tommy : Okay, so we call everyone and explain what happened.
Frank Rittenhauer : Half the orders have already been canceled.
Tommy : What?
Frank Rittenhauer : They think it's an indication of how things work around here. The real problem is we won't be able to make the payment to the bank.
Richard Hayden : This is like a bad "Twilight Zone." I think I'm growing a tumor.
Tommy : Look, we talk to the bank, maybe they'll give us a break. Hell, we've been doin' business with 'em for 23 years.
Frank Rittenhauer : Tommy, it's all over. You made a valiant effort. But we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky. I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company.
Tommy : What's gonna happen to the factory?
Frank Rittenhauer : He's gonna shut it down. Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers. He wants the Callahan name. That's all.
Richard Hayden : Did anyone see "Scanners"?
Frank Rittenhauer : Bottom line is by 6:00 p.m. tomorrow, we'll all be unemployed.
-
Tommy : What's wrong with you, Richard? You can't drink in a car. Don't you know we can get busted for that?
Richard Hayden : [imitating Johnny Carson] I'm sorry. I did not know that.
[normally]
Richard Hayden : But right now, we got a bigger problem.
Tommy : That is...?
Richard Hayden : [about to barf] Beer's coming back up.
-
Frank Rittenhauer : [Richard is videotaping Reilly and Rittenhauer at the wedding reception] I just wanna tell you, you really look dynamite today, Beverly.
[toasts the camera]
Ted Reilly : Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that.
Richard Hayden : Good lord.
Ted Reilly : Oh, God. No. Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?
Richard Hayden : [backing away] It'll cost you!
Ted Reilly : Come here. Come here, you little prick!
-
Richard Hayden : Housekeeping, you want me fluff pillow?
-
Tommy : Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?
Richard Hayden : Okay let's get some shut eye.
Tommy : Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?
-
[Richard sees a trash bag with tape wrapped around it coming out of the plane]
Richard Hayden : Oh, that has to be you. Spray that thing for bugs?
