- Travis: Oh, I ate mud once. Tasted okay. But they had to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach and I met a guy with a monkey heart!
- Franklin: We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?
- Mr. Hammerman: Not lately.
- [location: in their van which is inside a refrigeration truck]
- Andrew: It's freezing.
- Franklin: Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.
- Daniel: That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.
- Franklin: In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?
- Daniel: For God's sake, no I did not.
- Franklin: How about you, Kayla?
- Kayla: Girls don't fart.
- Franklin: Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.
- Franklin: [noticing a woman getting her lips waxed] That's amazing. I'd never have to shave Mom's hump again. Um, that is, she's got a hump on the back of her neck.
- Daniel: Can't one of the neighbors drive the carpool? What about Mr. Kopek?
- Mrs. Miller: He's 88.
- Daniel: So he'll drive real slow.
- Mrs. Miller: He's had three strokes.
- Daniel: But never while driving.
- Voice of Franklin's Mom: Listen, cutie pie when they reposess the truck, you won't have to leave them any gas.
- Franklin: Right, you're the expert on gas, Mom.
- Franklin: Listen, Dan, I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!
- Detective Erdman: I'd say you picked the wrong store to rob this time, pal.
- Franklin: Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.
- Detective Erdman: Yeah right, I suppose that's a bag of donuts you got there right?
- Franklin: They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.
- Circus Performer: We've come to give you back our pay checks.
- Franklin: Aw you didn't have to do that.
- Circus Performer: Sure we did. They bounced. Listen, Franklin, you've been very good to us, but we've gotten an offer from Wingling Brothers.
- Franklin: *THE* Ringling Brothers?
- Circus Performer: No, *WINGLING* Brothers!
- Franklin: [on his way to the bank, contemplating his robbery plan] This will go smooth. Unless they shoot me, which they won't because I'm gonna draw first. Of course they could push that button under the counter, but I know it's gonna be fine.
- [Parks and approaches bank. The doors are locked and standing inside is a guard]
- Franklin: Oh hey, buddy, I need you to open a safe for me. I mean an account, a safe account. But I see you're not open right now so I'll go grab a cup of coffee and come back later.
- [Daniel races for the phone. Franklin stops him]
- Franklin: No calls! That is, no obscene calls. He's trying to quit.
- Daniel: I am not.
- Franklin: Well you should! What's your phone number?
- Daniel: 9-1-1.
- Franklin: Very funny. Do realize if I get arrested you won't make your meeting because you'll be filling out police reports until next October.
- Andrew: I want to be the hostage!
- Kayla: How come I never get to be the hostage?
- Travis: That's because you're a girl.
- Bucky: Hey, girls can be hostages, too. I mean, we're moving toward the twenty-first century and girls can be whatever they want.
- Kayla: Right on, sister.
- Daniel: Ok, quiet down or nobody gets to be the hostage!
- Bucky: Well, that made sense, dad.
- Andrew: Look, Mr. Kopek's working in his yard.
- Daniel: Yeah. Let this be a lesson to you kids, the world says that he's too old to drive a car but look at him, he's a vibrant, healthy old man who can do anything he put's his mind to.
- Andrew: Dad, Mr. Kopek's not wearing his pants.
- Daniel: Yeah so from now on you kids stay away from him okay?