Jingle All the Way (1996)
Sinbad: Myron Larabee
Photos
Quotes
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Myron Larabee : They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
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Howard Langston : [as Turbo Man] Come on, Myron, you're taking this too far.
Myron Larabee : [as Dementor] Hey, I'm not going home without that doll!
Chain Smoking Booster : [as Booster] Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it!
Myron Larabee : You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.
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Myron Larabee : How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!
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DJ : [as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops] Yeah, I've got a mad man in my studio and...
[Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside]
DJ : HELP ME!
Howard Langston : Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
DJ : What?
Howard Langston : See, I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win?
[Howard hugs the DJ]
DJ : Oh no, it's not that simple!
DJ : No! Wait, wait!
[Myron comes into the radio room]
Howard Langston : You're too late! I already got the the right answer! I won! Ha ha! Yeah!
Myron Larabee : I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!
[Myron pulls out a package]
Howard Langston : Now what's that?
Myron Larabee : This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!
Howard Langston : A bomb?
Myron Larabee : Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up!
Howard Langston : You built a bomb?
Myron Larabee : No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! So give me the doll, or I'll blow up everybody in this place!
Howard Langston : Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away!
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Sparky : Maybe you shouldn't mess with that.
Officer Hummel : Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]
Officer Hummel : Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
[he rips open the package]
Myron Larabee : [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
Sparky : How many years on the bomb squad?
[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
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Myron Larabee : [pursuing Jamie and Howard during their act in the parade] Get outta my way, box!
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Myron Larabee : I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!
Howard Langston : This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee : Thank you!
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Howard Langston : I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason? Now, that makes me a bad father.
Myron : Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!
Howard Langston : I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh, well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us have Christmas dinner in it.
Myron : [surprised] No!
Howard Langston : Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.
Myron : You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.
Howard Langston : Oh, don't say that.
Myron : Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny Seven OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?
Howard Langston : No.
Myron : I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.
[imitating the whole play]
Myron : The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny Seven OMA.
Howard Langston : Sorry to hear that.
Myron : Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?
Howard Langston : Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.
Myron : Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny Seven OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.
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Myron Larabee : I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!
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Myron Larabee : You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys
[grabs an old lady]
Myron Larabee : And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur.
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DJ : Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
Howard Langston : Yes.
Myron Larabee : That's what you said on the radio.
DJ : Oh, no.
Myron Larabee : Yes it is.
DJ : No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...
[chuckles]
DJ : What we have here... is a gift certificate.
Howard Langston , Myron Larabee : A gift certificate?
DJ : Right.
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Myron Larabee : that really was a bomb? this a sick world we are living in with sick people.
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Myron Larabee : [as Dementor in the holiday parade] Ta-ta, Turtle Man!
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Myron Larabee : [Myron is telling all the police officers to put their guns down, he looks at Officer Hummell] You too, Barnaby Jones!
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Myron Larabee : [Myron is tackled] That's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
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Myron Larabee : Did you call me buddy?
Howard Langston : Yeah.
Myron Larabee : [shouting] I am not your buddy! I tried to be your team mate, I wanted to be your friend, but noooooooooo, you had other other plans for Myron Larabee!
Howard Langston : No, I had no plans.
Myron Larabee : You were no different than the rest of those civilians, those common, letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat in the summer!
[the DJ is chortling muffledly]
Myron Larabee : Are you laughing at me?
DJ : Huh? Oh, no! Lord no! Not at all!
Myron Larabee : Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you, I know your kind. You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my jeep, don't you?
DJ : No, not true! I recycle!
Howard Langston : Shut up!
Myron Larabee : That's right, shut up!
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Myron Larabee : [to Howard in the radio station] Don't hit me! I got sickle cell! Don't hit me!
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Myron Larabee : Listen, I'm sorry about that little tension that we has up on the roof there.
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Myron Larabee : [Being attacked by a few men] It's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
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Myron Larabee : [waiting outside to go inside the toy store] Hey. Give the man a break. He's a dad trying to get a toy.
[to Howard]
Myron Larabee : Go ahead. Have cuts man. Last minute shopping huh?
Howard Langston : Yeah.
Myron Larabee : Enough to drive a man insane, ain't it? Myron Larabee.
Howard Langston : [they both shake hands] Howard Langston.
Myron Larabee : See I have to shop late because it's the busiest time of the year for me all these important Christmas letters that people sed to folks they don't even talk to but once a year, not to mention relatives sending presents they're going to have to send back anyway. How many toiletry kits does a man need? And how about those little, stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole?
[In a child's voice]
Myron Larabee : "Dear Santa could you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off. And as if I didn't have enough pressure in my life, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named Turtle Man.
Howard Langston : That's Turbo Man. My son wants one too.
Myron Larabee : You know it's all a ploy, don't you?
Howard Langston : A ploy?
Myron Larabee : Man where you been? Don't you watch TV? We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels.
Howard Langston : Oh, come on.
Myron Larabee : You got these big fat cats sit there using working class just like me and you. They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement, and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! I know what I'm talking about 'cause I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there. I know what's going on. And then they sit there and make a kid feel like garbage because you the father who's working 24/7, delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me, and then when you get the toy it breaks, and you can't fix it because it's cheap plastic! Know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys and just choke him!
[grabs and suddenly chokes a woman while saying it]
Myron Larabee : Choke him until an eye pops out!
[He suddenly realizes what he's doing and lets the woman go]
Myron Larabee : You shouldn't wear fur.
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Howard Langston : [triumphantly to Myron] You're too late. I've already got the right answer; I won! Yeah!
Myron Larabee : I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!
[Pulls out a package]
Howard Langston : And what's that?
Myron Larabee : This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!
Howard Langston : [in disbelief] A bomb?
DJ : [gasps] Good lordy...
Myron Larabee : Yes, in layman terms, a bomb! So back up!
Howard Langston : You built a bomb?
Myron Larabee : No, I didn't have to build a bomb. Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day. I just kept one in case I ever needed it.
[to radio DJ]
Myron Larabee : So give me the doll, or I'm going to blow up everybody in this place!
Howard Langston : Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away! This is not worth it!
Myron Larabee : Well, maybe not to you, but to me it is. So back up! Back up!
Howard Langston : Myron! Come on, old buddy. Give me the package, all right? Come on.
Myron Larabee : Did you call me "buddy?"
Howard Langston : Yeah.
Myron Larabee : I am not your buddy! I tried to be your teammate! I wanted to be your friend! But nooooooooo! You had other plans for Myron Larabee!
Howard Langston : No, I had no plans.
Myron Larabee : You were no different than the rest of those civilians, those common letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat in the summer!
[the radio DJ is stifling his laughter at this]
Myron Larabee : Are you laughing at me?
DJ : Huh? Oh no. Lord no. No, not at all.
Myron Larabee : Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you! I know your kind! You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my Jeep, don't you?
DJ : No, not true! I recycle!
Howard Langston : Shut up!
Myron Larabee : That's right! Shut up! Why do you think the window is there? So I can just put the mail in there! But you act like everything's okay! "Hey Mr. Mailman" like I have no feelings of my own!
[He throws the package]
Howard Langston : Hit the deck!
DJ : Oh.
Myron Larabee : [the package is really a music box] look I'm sorry, I've been under pressure since this ZIP+4 thing.
Howard Langston : You twisted...
Myron Larabee : Don't hit me! I've got sickle cell! Don't hit me!
DJ : Excuse me, gentlemen, Are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
Howard Langston : Yes.
Myron Larabee : That's what you said on the radio.
DJ : Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no, no. What I actually said, was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. You see what we have here--ha! Oh! Is a gift certificate.
Howard Langston , Myron Larabee : A gift certificate?
DJ : Right. As soon as they get some dolls in the stores...
[Police sirens are heard outside]
Howard Langston : Did you call the cops?
DJ : [smiling sheepishly] Yeah, kinda.
Myron Larabee : Let's get outta here, but I'm going FIRST, buddy!
