***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** This 45-minute documentary details the death of Tom McBride (10/7/52-9/24/95) from AIDS. McBride was an extremely handsome guy who modeled, did commercials, and appeared in some minor plays, some TV shows, and films. He's best known for appearing in the Winston and Marlboro cigarette commercials.
This film was produced and directed by Jay Corcoran, whom I saw in "Party," one of those off-Broadway gay nudie shows in the later '90s. Corcoran is handsome, gym-buffed, hairy, and looked better naked than anyone else in the cast. Later, I saw him in the film, "All the Rage," cast to type as the gay, hairy, buffed friend to the film's leading man. He probably considers himself an A-List gay.
The A-List spoken of here is that group of gay men in large cities who are desired because of their handsomeness, their buffed body, and their celebrity, minor though that may be, but being an actor or model is definitely a plus here. In the film, Tom says he was on the Manhattan A-List for 1984-94, but he's no longer on the list--not because he has AIDS but because he talked about having it. "I have the disease, and I talked about it. I'm damaged goods. I'm wrinkled, have spots on my face. Yes, it bothers me that I'm not still on the A-List."
The documentary begins with McBride dying of AIDS. He has a progressive brain disease which results in his having seizures now and then. He has a lung disease as well, for he must use several times a day a nebulizer to deliver medicated spray to his lungs.
At the film's beginning, Tom is still a nice looking man despite AIDS and the drugs he's taking. In fact, he gets a role in a soap opera, and then fears that he may have a seizure under the stress of having to act.
The film gains its power from Tom's physical deterioration. It was stunning to see this man waste away--a guy who went to the gym seven days a week, who had a super body--turn into nothing more than a living skeleton.
At the film's end, we see Tom's family in his small Manhattan apartment. They are waiting for Tom to die. Lying in a hospital bed that takes up most of the space in the living room, Tom is now wasted to bones and paralyzed to the point where only his right arm can move a little bit. He's not even capable of speaking more than a grunt.
Unfortunately, not much Tom said impressed me. At one point, he ponders the question, "How do I get out of the darkness (meaning, I assume, the feelings? depression? he has now that he has AIDS)? Tom sits quietly for a few moments before saying, "I don't know." At another point, Tom answers the question, "What's the point to getting AIDS?" by saying, "Growing." But nothing Tom says indicates that he has grown.
He says he still thinks of all the men out there that he hasn't had. "It's just all the boys I didn't get. They're still out there." Corcoran says that he can take satisfaction in knowing about all the men he's already had. But Tom disputes that, saying no one thinks of the guys he's had, just those he hasn't.
It was hard to know whether Tom was making answers out of bravado, just to keep up a facade, because if he didn't do this, he had nothing but the horror of death to stare into.
I was left with the impression that Tom didn't understand that his entire way of life--being on the A-List--was the problem, the error, the disaster that he and far too many gay men, especially urban gay men, fall into. Although Tom doesn't seem to fully grasp this, I should imagine anyone watching the film would. One of Tom's friends says of Tom, "He was desperately looking to be loved." I wish there had been more questions exploring why Tom pursued a place on the A-List, why he thought this was important enough to build a life around.
Unfortunately, in quality this is just an amateur video. Because of the film's length, it wasn't distributed to theatres, though it did appear at some film festivals. Likewise, to the best of my knowledge, it's not been shown on television.
Despite its lack of polish, the video has its place among the documents that chronicle AIDS. I felt it was well worth my time. Not for the faint of heart, though.
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