- Clifford Calvert: Am I a suspect?
- Lt. Columbo: [Responding to the utterly bald Calvert] Oh no, sir, no. This is just routine. I have to file some kind of a report. So you'll just answer a couple of questions, I'll be outta your hair.
- [pause, as he notices angry glare from Calvert]
- Lt. Columbo: Sorry, sir.
- Lt. Columbo: Gee, I've got a dozen stops to make. You know, the first day of a homicide investigation, you wouldn't believe it. It's murder.
- Cathleen Calvert: Instead of killing Clifford and framing Howard, what if we killed Howard and framed Clifford?
- Lt. Columbo: I don't waste any part of the apple, I eat everything, even the seeds.
- Patrick Kinsley: Actually, Lieutenant, apple seeds contain cyanide.
- Lt. Columbo: [pause] I ate a bunch of seeds on the way over, does that mean...
- Patrick Kinsley: You should be safe. A lethal dose for humans is 12 ounces.
- Lt. Columbo: Well, this is not easy, Pat.
- Patrick Kinsley: No No No It is not easy. And if it was easy, we'd just ask the janitor.
- Lt. Columbo: I'm not here as a policeman, I'm here as a human being.
- Clifford Calvert: As opposed to what, a kangaroo?
- Patrick Kinsley: I don't want to see you poor either. Which do you want, red or white?
- Cathleen Calvert: White.
- Patrick Kinsley: Good, because we don't have any red.
- Cathleen Calvert: Then why did you ask, you goose?
- Clifford Calvert: Here.
- [hands Columbo a cigar cutter]
- Clifford Calvert: Put that on your key chain. At least make some little attempt to be civilized.
- Lt. Columbo: They're not Cuban cigars, are they, sir?
- Clifford Calvert: Ha ha ha ha. I plead the fifth.