- Johnathan: Let me tell you something. This happens to be real life. Money and power. That's all that counts out there in the world.
- Ralph: No, I don't think so. I...
- Johnathan: You're the best I ever had, kid. But pending a major change in your sex life - and I mean a MAJOR change - you are... on extended leave.
- Ralph: What?
- Johnathan: That's right. No chicks, no checks.
- [long awkward pause]
- Johnathan: Get the fuck out of here.
- Ralphie's First Little Girlfriend: Women still remember their first kiss long after men have forgotten the last.
- Elizabeth: Face it, Ralph. Everything you say and do is designed to attract members of the opposite sex.
- Ralph: Why are you stroking your fallus?
- Ralph: I don't know. It... it just feels good.
- Dr. Hubbins: Are you afraid it'll dissapear? Are you afraid that it'll fall off? That a woman will castrate it and take it away? Why don't you just accept it as a natural appendage like your foot?
- [in a childhood flashback]
- Mother Gagante: Ralphie, get you hand out of your pants.
- Grandmother: What, he should be different from all the other men in the family?
- Amber: Don't you have a maid?
- Ralph: Yeah. She's in Bukit Tinggi for the week.
- Amber: What are you so embarrassed about?
- Ralph: I'm a messy guy. You don't want to look in there.
- Amber: [chuckles] Ralph, holy shit! You have my picture hanging on your wall.
- Ralph: Yeah.
- Amber: [clicks tongue] That's so flattering.
- [she licks the top of his lip]
- Amber: I just want to fuckin' rape you.